Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


By Social and Arts Correspondent Elsie Rescorla

Alcibiades Bicycle-Pump, although only 14 years of age, is one of the world's foremost experts on the uses to which nasal dewdrops can be put. He blundered into this field of expertise, whilst assiduously researching the similarities between nasal and rectal polyps, both of which internal excrescences have played a major and upsetting part in his short life so far.

Born to a Zennor family with long traditions in both pig-rearing and sheep-interfering, Alcibiades (who changed his name at the age of 8 years by deed poll from the original Adrian Polkinghorne-Davey) was determined not to let the fleshy outgrowths in his nose and bum interfere with the quality of his life.

A quiet boy, who liked nothing better than to play alone with his blowtorch and his collection of 104 black rats, he always seemed destined for greater and better things. He was from the start, and remains, a keen observer of nature as well as a dedicated experimenter.

At the age of only 6, he published his first book entitled Metastatic Transformation through Flatulence Inhalation, or Harnessing the power of little hot smells. This scholarly tome attracted praise from scientists and educationalists alike as it put across its message -- as the title reveals -- with a crystal clarity appealing to the scientist yet also accompanied by simple statements understandable to any small child.

Now after years of dedicated scientific research -- interrupted only occasionally by "downtime" fun with his rats and blowtorch -- Alcibiades has produced another book full of original research and enlightening findings entitled The Metaphysics of celestial nasal rain -- or the point of a dewdrop.

The book is crammed with interesting hitherto unknown facts about the dewdrop and is arranged in tantalising chapters with more-ish titles such as "The new lubricant"; "Canine nose flow varieties and their use as subtle food flavourings"; "Equine nasal flow and its use in shampoo"; "The human dewdrop and atomic power" as well as the intriguing "Porcine nasal flow -- the new Viagra".

Alcibiades is very modest about his accomplishments and is content to continue his general education at the Relubbus Renaissance Academy in Boswedden Lane. He has already turned down numerous invitations to study at Princeton and Harvard and will, in due course, progress to the prestigious Relubbus International University to become just another of its 30,000 students.

However, it is widely expected that he will quickly progress through undergraduate and post-graduate study to lead research and development in many of Relubbus's ground-breaking projects, in particular the time travel project, on which, with financial backing from mega multi-billionaire retailer RC Oates, he has already made a good start during his summer holidays. He has so far succeeded in sending back several of his rats, one milkman, and a postman to the 21st century BC. He is now working hard to try to bring them back again -- so far without success. However, one must remember that he is only 14 years of age. Another Relubbus "great" in the making.