Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


As we all know, Relubbus high society sets trends today which others in lesser places like London, Paris, New York and Hayle follow tomorrow.

The world of cosmetic surgery is just one more field in which bold moves taken in Relubbus will doubtless be aped elsewhere.

Leading Cosmetic Dentist, Billy “Clubfoot” Clemo (31, or so he maintains) from Rosudgeon has performed a ‘dental reconstruction’ on the ever-beautiful husky-voiced jazz singer from Tremethick Cross, Morwenna Zenna (36, 24, 36).

Clemo is a controversial character. His liberal use of immoderate and inappropriate language is upsetting for some who are not prepared to make allowances for his greatness. Furthermore, as can sometimes be the case with those touched by brilliance, Clemo is given to emotional outbursts of sometimes frightening proportions. However in Clemo’s case, the outbursts have more to do with his exasperation at his hearing problem than with brilliance.

Now completely deaf, he refuses to employ deaf aids and is a very poor lip reader. This is a potentially disastrous combination for occupants of the dentist’s chair. However, potential patients will take comfort from the fact that, following a series of complaints of "torture", patients are now issued with a "pain-button" which, when pressed, sets the surgery lights flashing and gives Clemo a mild electric shock to attract his attention.

The world has long had an obsession with certain ideals of beauty. However, we now live in an age where we can reconstruct ourselves to conform to such ideals. Of course, this has the unfortunate and deeply regrettable consequence that we might all end up looking like clones. Billy Clemo is one of the professionals who opposes such Hollywood conformity. He is devoting his cosmetic surgery skills to making people look different from one another.

Before the surgery, Morwenna Zenna gave us an interview in which she stated that she was delighted to be first amongst the Relubbus glitterati asked to become a pioneer for new attitudes towards beauty.

Morwenna has been a thinking man’s crumpet for some years, a pin-up in solicitors’ offices and doctors’ surgeries all over Relubbus. A picture of her has even been glimpsed on display in the sumptuous offices of Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo (65).

Having set trends in jazz singing, she is now prepared to blaze a trail in new concepts of beauty. Billy Clemo is giving her teeth the new look of the 21st century, and then she moves on to Billy’s brother Zeke, a plastic surgeon operating in Prospidnick, who will complete the transformation in beauty.

We can now show below the brilliance of Clemo’s work. On the left, we have a picture of Morwenna’s teeth before the operation, clearly displaying those old outdated concepts of beauty. On the right we show a picture of Morwenna’s teeth after the operation, which fully displays the transformational nature of Clemo’s pioneering work.

Morwenna herself was unavailable for comment.

However, Billy was very chipper and talked of the operation as a great success, which will bring all the young beauties his way, clutching their £10,000 in order to have the same operation as Morwenna.

For the first five ladies who email us here at the Roundup, we will contribute a full £10 (for EACH of the five!) towards the dental cosmetic costs.


By our special Chinese Sports Correspondent, Dung Xiao Fried Lice

Boswedden Lane is full of the talk of medal prospects, since one of the strongest ever Relubbus teams has been fielded in Peking (as Billy Spargo has ordered it to be named).

The strongest gold medal hope resides in Ned ‘Pasties ‘ Nudd (14) , who will be competing in the ‘Floating’ competition. The International Olympic Committee (IOC) admitted the Floating competition following a petition from the Small Nations of the World, who backed Relubbus to the hilt.

Competion rules are that one must have eaten 500 shop pasties (Eddy’s, Rowe’s, Warren’s or Philp’s only are admissible (Ginsters are banned!)) in the previous 48 hours, before one attempts to float for four hours is a swimming pool. As Ned normally eats 300 pasties a day, he (firmly supported -- not literally, of course -- by his Mum) says that he should ‘walk it’. Just to make sure, the picture we show is of Ned in training – after 400 pasties a day.

The ever popular girls’ relay drinking team, shown here with their trainer, Tommy Tregarthen after a heavy session at the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, have stepped up their drinking to ensure victory in the Women's 18-24 Piss-Up Competition. The rules are simple – ‘down’ the most in rapid succession and stay standing – for, at least, 30 minutes. These dedicated young women – all from Tremethick Cross Young Women’s Drinking Club are, from the left, Lavinia Angove (21), Aggie Lanyon (23), Letitia ‘Scrubber’ Liddicoat (22) and Poppy Cock (19) . These young women carry Relubbus’s hopes for a second gold.

Relubbus also has great hopes on the track. Brenda Opie (84) is our big gold medal hope in the Over Eighties Incontinence 50 Mile Sprint. Brenda is shown here in the midst of her gruelling training for the race. It is not just a question of keeping going in a gruelling 50 mile sprint race. It is also a matter of keeping up a constant detectable fine spray during the whole proceedings. Brenda is the girl for this task.

Brenda’s chances in this competition have been nothing if not strengthened by her reputed association with Chinese President, Hu Jintao, (37) who is apparently ‘hopressry in rove’ with her. Hu confided to friends on the Central Committee “Wat dat girl can do wiv cigar is no one’s business!!”.

Relubbus’ medal hopes do not end there. Silver or bronze hopes are realistic prospects for Dougie Ladner in the 1950s Milk Drinking Competition. This calls for the ability to drink glasses of milk “in a style consistent with the manner, practice, dress and decorum of the 1950s”. Dougie is held to be a natural for this, as he is a freeze-dried 1950s person.

Another hot contender for a medal is the St Ives milkman, Dick Rosewarne (45), in the Llama Impersonation Competition. Dick is so good at this that even his wife and mother (absolutely NOT the same person, despite the fact that they have never been seen together) are unable to detect him in a herd of llamas when he is ‘doing his impersonation’.

Yet another Relubbus medals hope is to be found in the new ‘Unusual Foods Consumption’ competition, where Pascoe Polkinghorne (29) of Gurnards Head is believd to have a strong chance. He has been in the Far East engaged on an extended training programme, centred on eating rat (as shown in the attached photo).

The last Relubbus medals hope is to be found in the recently introduced “Name That Sex” competition. Contestants are merely required to confuse the judges as to their gender, during interview AND subsequent physical examination. The Relubbus entrant, Chris Pender (32) of Buryas Bridge, has managed to confound and confuse his/her own mother (Nigel) for the past 25 years and Nigel says that Chris should definitely get a medal, if not the gold. The excitement can hardly be contained.

Let us wait to see where Relubbus appears on the medals table!!!