Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


The Roundup has been investigating the recent proposals for the construction of thousands of ecohomes in Cornwall, a place long plagued with a chronic shortage of housing.

One proposal foresees the building of over 5,000 homes in the St Austell area over a period from 2012 -2025. It is envisaged that some 40-50 percent will be what is described as affordable”.

The company behind the proposal, Twiddle and Snatchit, (whose plush Paris headquarters are pictured left) were reluctant to disclose what this questionable term ‘affordable’ meant.

When the Roundup, for the fortieth time and using thumbscrews for good measure, pressed their spokesman for a reportable response, he eventually confessed that it would mean that it would be affordable to a hard-working family, provided that both parents were doctors of consultant status.

The 50% to 60% of new homes not designated as “affordablewould apparently be beyond the economic reach of the above-described hard-working family, even with the two consultants working round the clock.

This frankly lunatic proposal takes no account of the immediate need such housing creates for a supportive infrastructure of health provision, education support, employment prospects and transport connections.

Fortunately this is not the only proposal. Trewern Builders Limited are targeting the local population with the offer of very affordable homes for locals in small developments near existing towns and hamlets with access to the necessary supporting infrastructure.

The homes will be available to rent, so says owner Madron Trewern for a weekly sum of onlyThirty bob a week. Houses will also be available for sale at a cost of £4,500, with 120% mortgages available from Trewern Builders Limited.

These special houses will only be available to good folk of Cornish ‘extraction or inclination’, who work in Cornwall or who are looking for work in Cornwall and who are earning at or below the LOCAL average wage.

Mr Trewern, a respected Relubbus businessman of considerable personal wealth, is believed to be making this offer to encourage other wealthy Cornish names to provide similar support to the people of the land.

The environmental credentials of these houses are impeccably high. They draw all power and heat from the soil, the sun and the wind. Their water is from the rain and is recycled. All waste can be is recycled.

It has now come to our attention that the Duke and Duchess of Cornwall, who have recently been shamed by the exposure of their huge environmental footprint, have decided to sell up all their other housing and to move to an ordinary Trewern home in Camborne. The Duke and Duchess are also said to be realising almost their entire wealth and putting the cash into the Trewern scheme to provide affordable homes for Cornish people.

With the hand-wringing so typical of the Duke, he recently confessed to our reporter ("over a mug of tea, just like working people!") that he hoped that this action would restore his standing with the good people of Cornwall, whose support he intended henceforth to earn.

It is understood that the
Duke will be taking up a job as a janitor and groundsman at a local school, whilst his wife, the Duchess will be delivering ‘Meals on Wheels’.


The sale of Upper Towans beach in Gwithian for the huge sum of £80,000 to a mystery buyer, widely believed by locals to be a complete idiot and sucker ‘extraordinaire’, has set tongues wagging.

The primary advantage of ownership seems to be the ability to point at the beach, and say I own that beach, I do!whilst holidaymakers surge past, completely ignoring you, with dismissive words such as Yeah, yeah, yeah!

There are no usual proprietorial rights. Indeed there are restrictive covenants, the most surprising of which are that 'ownership extends only to that portion of the Towans which is covered by water' and that 'ownership is only enjoyed when the water is frozen’. The sale of such paltry ownership rights for such a high price is a breathtaking triumph for the Economic Ministry of the People’s Republic of Hayle.

Tregavarah Ventongimps (42), ruler of the rogue state that is The People’s Republic of Hayle, is believed to have encouraged the sale, the proceeds of which are said to flow straight into his personal coffers.

Ventongimps is a sad and extremely reluctant exponent of the art of ‘combover’, after four failed, but very expensive, hair transplants undertaken outside the People’s Republic at the famed Norton Clinic in Relubbus. With £80,000 now at his disposal, he is rumoured to be set on ‘blowing the lot’ at the Norton.

With this frankly wholly unexpected sales success, it is expected that similar sales will be tried in respect of the whole of Hayle’s Three Miles of Golden Sands’, particularly with the gullible purchaser of Upper Towans, who, the Roundup can exclusively reveal, is none other than Madonna.

This amazing sale has given rise to a plethora of other ‘special offers’ in respect of the Cornish seaside and coast, dreamed up by hopeful locals, seeking to transform their finances.

Mounts Bay (Airspace) Extremely Limited is to sell the entire airspace above Mounts Bay from a height of 75 feet above the sea to a height of 80 feet above the sea for the astronomical sum of £48,000,000. Eager billionaires eager to get any slice of Cornwall are believed to be queuing up to be able to bid for the exclusive ownership rights of this huge airspace.

Spokesman for the vendor company, Denzil Trevains (47 and believed to be a descendant of the famed Cornish enetertainer "Banjo Trevains", pictured left), who until now has made a living as an ice cream salesman in the summer months, said, This is a one-off opportunity to own a vast tract of airspace over a beautiful part of Cornwall. The owners will be able to charge seabirds – and there are many – every time they fly across it, so the earnings potential is huge!

Other Cornish beaches rumoured to be likely to be sold – on copycat conditions of the Upper Towans sale – are Porthmeor, Gwenver, Porthtowan, Porthminster (pictured) and Sennen. Part of the deal will be a teashirt with the words I own this beach, I do! printed on the front. On the back, the Kernewek word GOKY will be printed in large letters.

The Roundup will report further on this developing story.