Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


by our Rugby Correspondent, "Old Prop"
At a packed public meeting yesterday, Redruth RFC unveiled the design of their exciting new stadium, which is to be built on the slopes of Carn Brea hill. The picture above shows an artist's impression of what the new stadium will look like.

It will be known as the "Trevaskis Stadium", after Long Rock multi-billionaire W.G. Trevaskis, who has donated most of the funding.

However, there was strong opposition to the plans from the four members of the public present, who claimed that the new structure would be an "eyesore" and totally out of keeping with the wild beauty of the hill.

In response, Redruth's Director of Rugby, Denzil Penberthy, claimed that the move to the new stadium was "essential, if us is gonna play in the English Premiership. The Rec. [the Reds' old ground] ain't up to Premiership standards, so us don' 'ave no choice."

The rugby correspondent of the Daily Telegraph, one of many reporters present from the national press, expressed surprise at the slope of the pitch. (There will be a 20-metre drop between the south-east and north-west corners of the pitch.) Mr Penberthy explained that this was quite deliberate. The layout of the pitch, he said, sought to recreate the conditions of the famed "Hell Fire Corner" at the Rec. [The ground slopes away quite markedly towards one corner at the Rec. Ed.]

"Us duh like tuh play down the slope, towards our supporters in 'ell Fire," said Mr Penberthy. "Us jes' thought we'd make 'un a bit steeper, 'as all."

The man from the Telegraph, not to be denied, pointed out that for one half of each game the Reds would have to play uphill, and the advantage would then lie with their opponents.

"'Es, well"
, said Mr Penberthy, "us'll jes 'ave tuh dig in. 'Sides, us duh 'ave another plan. We's gonta leave some o' they bleddy git granite boulders on the pitch, jes under the grass. 'Course, only us'll knaw where the buggers are. They git Londun jessies'll be bleddy black an' blue by 'alf time!"

  1. Old Shep Elvis Presley
  2. Brown-eyed 'Ansom Man Buddy Holly
  3. Only the Lonely Roy Orbison
  4. You Never Can Tell Chuck Berry
  5. Waterloo Abba
  6. Pretty Flamingo Manfred Mann
  7. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band Beatles
  8. This Is My Song Petula Clarke
  9. A Whiter Shade of Pale Procul Harum
  10. San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair) Scott MCKenzie


English Heritage Cover blown!
By international correspondent Horton Tregarthen

Primed missile silos at Chysauster

It is rumoured that international spy networks have moved into Keneggy Country Hotel at Gulval, following foreign press reports that English Heritage have been conning the Cornish public for decades at Chysauster Ancient Village.

Speculation has been rife in Penzance for years that there are nuclear bunkers and missile silos under the hut circles at the site.

That the speculation was indeed correct was finally established by a Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) fact-finding committee, led by chairman Billy Spargo, that visited the Chysauster site. The Roundup has it on good authority that the secret aim of the committee is to increase the GRUC's nuclear armaments, as a "defensive" move in the border dispute with the People's Republic of Hayle.

Apparently Billy's niece, local reporter Tryphena Spargo-Spargo, has been courting the Chysauster admissions steward (Clarence Trezelah, 94) for 23 years and he told her that part of the admissions steward's duties, laid down by English Heritage, is to secure each warhead at night, in case of break-ins by various gangs from Badger's Cross. From these comments by Clarence during their hand-in-hand walks along the Prom on Sunday evenings, Tryphena was able to pass on information to her Uncle Billy.

Ms Spargo-Spargo suddenly found herself with a scoop on her hands, but was unable to publish it, because no English newspaper would touch it! Each mealy-mouthed organ cited "the Official Secrets Act". ('Why did she not come to the Roundup?', you may ask. Why indeed? Perhaps she will know better in future. Ed) Thus the story first appeared in the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt. It was soon taken up by other German-language newspapers, eventually resulting in the arrival of the spies in Gulval.

We believe that Mr Spargo has made contact with the spy networks, with a view to working together to obtain nuclear material "to sort out that bleddy lot down Hayle".

Chysauster site with Mounts Bay in the background

Clarence Trezela instructing Billy Spargo how to arm a warhead

English Heritage declined to comment and have closed admission to the village.

GRUC have provisionally indicated to Relubbus residents that their Council Tax will rise this year by 1,000,000%, but that they should feel a lot safer with handy-sized nuclear weapons pointing at Hayle.

Clarence Trezela has disappeared from the area.


Eliza Polkinghorne (92), the maverick part-time inventor from Tregeseal, has pulled off yet another coup with her latest invention -- the Nuclear Hoover.

This amazing machine doesn't just 'suck up' the dust, it vaporises anything, or indeed anyone, you point it at.

Pictured here on the left, cackling contentedly next to her devilish invention, Eliza manages to stun the scientific world with her recognition and then mastery of laws of physics others have yet to grasp.

The beauty of the device is that it requires no external power source. It is started by hand cranking, which gives rise to subsequent accelerative processes, which swiftly result in beam temperatures of in excess of 3 million degrees Celsius -- hence the vaporisation of all in its path. As Eliza herself says, "You gotta wear gloves when you duh work the thing or you might do yourself sum 'arm!".

Another reason for wearing a stout pair of gloves is the reliance of the device on roughly four pounds of nuclear waste "per burn", as Eliza says, adding, "You dowanna get non' o' that stuff on your 'ands, but you 'ave got to pour un in and stir un up a bit. I duh always use marigolds! First time I used ov un, I didn' wear no gloves. I made pasties afterwards and they pasties was glowin'!"

The device is also quite light to push around, Eliza herself no longer being very strong and only having the one arm free because of her stick.

Although Eliza designed this "Hoover" as a housewives' help to get rid of stubborn dirt, its effectiveness in obliterating all in its path means that she is now besieged with approaches from armed forces from around the world, eager to add this "housewives help" to their arsenal. Its effectiveness in battle has already been conclusively tested by the Relubbus riot police in their engagement with rabble at the disputed Hayle border.

Ernie Upton O'Good, Defence Correspondent