Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


If you are looking for a fun day out for the kids, then you need look no further than Relubbus Children’s Zoo (RCZ)!!

At RCZ, your little ones can actually get in with the animals, stroke them and touch them and get the sort of experience no other zoo is prepared to offer!!

All the animals on show are Cornish varieties and are perfectly safe for your little darlings.

Just hand your kiddies in to one of our keepers, like gorgeous 24-year-old Beverly (shown here on the left) or 19-year-old Madron, and you can take yourself off for a refreshing cup of tea in our parents’ hut (with Unisex toilet, with new wooden seat, and wash hand basin!).

Your kiddies can spend time with the Sancreed Lurcher and its pups. An unusual Sancreed breed, which is found nowhere else except in Southern Africa, the Lurchers are highly social. They typically emit a piercing high-pitched shriek when they are ripping the flesh from the living things hastily thrown into their compound for meals.

Nervous parents can be assured that children are never admitted to the pound BEFORE meals, only AFTER. This means that their little darlings should always be safe. They will be able to stroke the doggies and play with them without fear of being eaten*.

A particular favourite with the kiddies, is the ‘Mousehole cat’. The RCZ version is admittedly a little larger than the cat usually depicted as the Mousehole cat. Further, it does roar rather than miouw, but, if you can stand the halitosis, it IS a cutie to stroke. All kiddies are asked NOT to pull pussy's tail as he does get more than a bit impatient when the little dears do that and he has been known to scratch rather badly when tormented in this way.

Another animal, which is just a little more dangerous, is the Sennen Rat. Rats in Sennen do grow big, but this one is four times as big as those found in the wild – the pictured specimen is 12 feet tall. The rat pictured here, 34-year-old Carnegie, is the safest of all the rats. He is used to maltreatment, having been beaten about by the wardens ever since he was brought in as a baby. Darts can be obtained from the wardens for use in tormenting Carnegie, but it is very dangerous to use them on the other rats.

However, don’t worry, none of these animals misbehave when Bev is around!!

Entrance is only £15 per kiddie! Come to RCZ!!

* Usually, that is! Children under 2 years old should be accompanied by an older child (and not left alone with Madron).


Kwop Garage attendant, Denzil “Combover” Angarrack (39) of Bramangath Cottage, Heamoor has achieved notoriety by becoming the first Heamoor man to marry two women – sisters – at the same time, in the Heamoor mosque, located at his home, Bramangath cottage.

, a natty man-about-town, well known to the folk of Heamoor for his daring hairstyle, seems well able to cope with his new-found fame.

The two sisters, Pat (32) and Trish (34) Tregellis of Colinsey Road, Treneere, are both ‘relationship therapy assistants’ in Penzance, although neither of them has yet received any convictions.

The two girls are thought to have been completely unswayed in their decision to marry by Denzil’s claims to have recently had a big win on the lottery. Further, they were clearly not put off by his previous girlfriend’s nickname for him of “magnifying glass”.

The previous girlfriend, Tamsin (formerly Terry) ‘Balls’ Wakfer (38) of The Shed, Boscathnoe, was claiming yesterday to be completely indifferent to the sudden marriage of her boyfriend for twenty five years (“We wuz in the Scouts t’gether!”).

When quizzed about her feelings outside the Heamoor outlet of the RC Oates Superstore in which she is a hygiene assistant, she stated “anyone goin’ fer they two tarts d’need their bleddy ‘eads read!”

Referring to the supposed lottery win, she added, “they’ll be as lucky t’ find any money as they will be t’ find anythin’ useful in ‘is trousers.”

The two sisters, Pat and Trish, have readily embraced Islam, as has Denzil, who has converted his utility room into a mosque (‘although I ‘ad to leave the washin’ machine in there or I would’ve ‘ad ‘ell from my mawther!’).

In Denzil’s rather liberal interpretation of Islam, the primary (and, indeed, sole) religious requirement is to eat a bar of Fry’s Turkish Delight occasionally and, whilst doing so, to "do the music as well, an’ the girls gotta do the dence!”

The excited sisters have worked out a bedroom rota for Denzil, although Denzil’s mother, Agnes (91), who lives at Bramangath, says that she will decide what goes on under her roof.

The Roundup will continue to report on this unusual romantic liaison.