Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


Here are some special people looking for love in West Penwith!!

Geraldine Polkinghorne (23) is a veterinary nurse from Ponsanooth. She has been dealing with some serious personal gender issues, some outward signs of which might cause unwarned potential suitors to take fright. Hence her brave decision to advertise here (and in the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt) for a special man to share her life.

Geraldine's passion in life (apart from goats and other animals) is designing and modelling hats, as she is doing in this picture. With the right man, she would like to take up line dancing and yodelling. Although she doesn't claim to be a Nigella Lawson in the kitchen, she says that she is a dab hand at creating a Victoria sponge from the packet. Her ideal partner would be a "Hell's Angel type", probably in his 30s, with own home, preferably in the Tuckingmill area, "so I can be away from Mum, but not too far!". Its Box 5682, Gents!

Dickie Tregear (42) "from out Zennor way" is a charming delightful man, who somehow has not yet managed to hit it off with the ladies. Very fond of his food, he knows that he ought to eat less, but he just doesn't get on with diets. However, he is very sensitive about his looks and is sure that his personal vanity will eventually empower him to "cut down on the food".

Dickie has broken away from the centuries-old family tradition of pig farming (although he still lives with his Mum) and is a teacher of piano and harpsichord. He would like to "walk out with some cracker, who duh look like Kylie Minogue". Dickie's current interests are, apart from eating, dominoes (which he plays for several hours each day) and his Hornby train set, of which he is inordinately proud and which he is prepared to share with the right woman. Box 3496 -- get in quick, before Kylie does!

Jennifer Angove (31) from Long Rock is a girl with big aspirations. She dreams of becoming a chemical weapons inspector for the UN and her ideal man would be a pathologist, so that she can indulge her interest in corpses with expert guidance. We can all dream, but reality can be a little different. Jennifer is a shelf-stacker at Morrisons, which is handy, because she can walk to work and save on commuting costs. Realising that a pathologist might be out of her reach (or is it?!), she will be happy to take up with any young man working at the interesting end of an abattoir, who would let her have a go whenever she likes.

Jennifer's favourite musicians are Chas and Dave and her best loved music is their version of "Roll out the Barrel". Two years ago, she won the Morrisons Penzance branch 3rd most interesting person prize and she once almost took up the castanets. This is the story of Jennifer... and gents, you can become a part of that story at Box 5622.

Billy Peninula (32) from Rosudgeon, pictured here 'squeezing one out' in the Relubbus Allcomers' Nude Freestyle Farting Competition (wet section) is a fun young man looking for another fun young man. Billy works as a fireman at Truro, but does not let big City life go to his head, preferring to live in a quiet part of Ludgvan.

A renaissance man, Billy's farting is merely one aspect of his multi-faceted being -- he plays the cello, sings baritone in the Marazion Gay Male Voice Choir, collects butterflies, is an avid student of Aztec culture and language, and composes love poetry. He would like to meet a young man with completely different interests so that they can show each other one another's world. Box 9976 is the one for you, if you would like to get to know Billy better.

Loveday Behenna (22) is best known as the saucy leading female in the Botallack Operatic and Dramatic Society (BODS), in which her rich, sonorous bass voice is a constant source of both surprise and delight. By day, she runs her own mobile nose- and ear-hair trimming business, covering most of the old folks' homes west of Truro. She keeps all the trimmings and uses it to stuff cushions.

Loveday likes to relax and unwind by 'zapping' seagulls with her trusty catapult. She is now ready to meet an enterprising man (preferably an upholsterer, in view of the cushions) with whom she can build a life and family. Box 5310 takes you to Loveday.

Rudi Stümpfli (51) is our first advertiser from Liechtenstein. Having spent the past 30 years in jail for what he says was "ein Mißverständnis", he has now been returned to the community to pursue his career as a cheesemaker. Rudi speaks only German, but is keen to meet a Cornish woman, since the entire female population of Liechtenstein shuns him because of the "Mißverständnis".

Rudi is not allowed to leave the country, but, having heard of the new bus services between Relubbus and Vaduz, is keen to take up with one (or more?!) of the many women from Cornwall who are bound to make the journey, if only to see how the Marks in Vaduz differs from the one in Truro. Box 6733 is the one for Rudi and ladies should be aware that Rudi has offered to pay the £1 14s 6d day-return bus fare for any ladies interested in meeting him.


Pictured below is the Sithney Pasty-crimping team, which beat all-comers -- including 14 separate teams from Relubbus -- to win the coveted Relubbus Open Crimping contest.

The proud team, pictured here before the contest at their training camp, are, from the left: Elspeth Lutey (23), Jennifer Curnow (31), Gladys Polwhele (29), Letitia Tregonning-Polkinghorne-Clemo (34 and team captain), "Windy" Bosavern (27), Agnes Baragwaneth (31) and Loveday Peninula (28).

The four day contest saw the 500 competitors crimp some 500,000 pasties -- all of which have found their way to the burgeoning Australian and Canadian markets.

Style and sheer skill saw the Sithney team storm home to success (for the fourth year running!) following an almost acrobatic display in the underwater handcuffed crimping heat, in which team captain (Letitia TPC) showed her worth by crimping 50 pasties underwater with her bare feet, whilst holding her breath for an unbelievable 6 minutes. Posthumously, she was awarded the competition medal for outstanding individual performance.

Elspeth Polwhele and Agnes Baragwaneth swept the field in the boxing glove crimping doubles. Hampered by wearing heavyweight gloves, they managed to crimp four pasties (sufficiently strongly to hold together despite being thrown the regulation 30 feet) in just under an hour, beating their nearest rivals from the Tuckingmill team (Ariminta Trenoweth (23) and Cordelia Uren (39) - two pasties) and the Troon team (Peggy Oppy (31) and Rosezina Cock (23) - 1 pasty).

Competition judges Amelia Beglehole (65), Kitty Trewelah (64), Livinia Caddy (45), and Harriet Hicks (132) all agreed that the standards were getting higher year on year. Miss Hicks, speaking with the aid of an electronic transmogrifier, which makes the voice inside the coffin easier to hear, stated "I ent never seen s' much smart crimping. They maids are sum clever!"

Miss Caddy, as well as a judge a champion herself (having come 17th in the 1987 Nancledra Lesbian Ladies Bowling Competition), declared that new and more demanding heats will be required in order to sort out the competition's future winners. Ideas currently being considered include: 1. Crimping in a methane-filled container; 2. Crimping using only firedogs; 3. Distance crimping, using mental powers alone, at a distance of 50 yards.

Willy Ladner and Benjy Friggens of Relubbus National Television (RNT -- or "Our Entie", as it is commonly known) confirmed that the competition would continue to be shown on television in Cornwall.