EXCLUSIVE: BLAIR SEEKS TOP JOB AT GRUC!
As many political commentators have suspected, Tony Blair, after giving up the role of Prime Minister is now making his play for the big job -- as globe-trotting Foreign Relations Councillor for Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).The lucky job-holder is not only able to travel -- free -- all over Cornwall and sometimes outside, but also has the benefit of a fully-furnished council flat on Gwavas Estate, with a sea-view only 4 minutes walk away.
Blair’s wife, Cherie, has been seen in Andrewartha’s, Penzance, eyeing up furniture for the flat (paid for by the council). She has also been reported as applying for a job as an assistant solicitor at Harvey’s in Morrab Road. Furthermore, we are reliably informed that the Blairs’ older children have applied for part-time jobs in the area (at Morrisons and the Kwop); this in order to shore up Blair’s local credentials and thus improve his chances of getting the job, for which there is the stiffest local competition.
The bookies’ hot favourite is Jan Trevanion, a granite quarryman from New Mill. A very youthful and sprightly 112 years old, Mr Trevanion has been dutifully waiting for what is commonly viewed as one of the greatest sinecures in the gift of GRUC.Pictured on the left looking quietly confident, Mr Trevanion tells the Roundup that he has nothing to fear from Blair. "Blair idn local, kent speak Cornish an 'ee abn’t got un ‘ope in ‘ell of taking my job. I was ‘ere first and I aren’t goin nowhere!"
Mr Trevanion’s cousin, Ezekiel, held the job for some twenty years before his untimely death last month at the age of 147. As many believe that you need Trevanion blood to do the job, there will be uproar locally if Blair gets it. The Roundup will be first with the news!
We’re watching you!
Lorry Botheras, "Fats" Hocking and Violet Tregonning (disguised) are expert sleuths employed by the Roundup to sniff out stories.
So whether you’re nattering on the St Just bus, having a bit of chat over the fence, or musing to yourself in the House of Office, just remember we’re on the case.
The Roundup never sleeps -- never misses!
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GAY RIGHTS -- Should we take them up?
This is a snapshot taken at the St Ives Lesbian and Gay Rights Festival. It depicts one man's, "Winker" Rosewarne’s, attempt to "come out". Winker (49), a single man who lives quietly with his mother, Agnes (93), took advantage of the Festival to reveal his true bent, much to the shock of both his mother and his employers, Andrewartha’s Dairies.
Mr Marchmount Andrewartha commented "Come Monday, that bender’s sacked. I aren’t 'avin 'ee deliver my milk no more."
This kind of outdated homophobic attitude is, of course, entirely unacceptable in the 21st century. Should the Roundup become a campaigning organ for benders’ rights? We want your views!
Local man (98) dies unexpectedly
The Roundup brings you the sad news of the unexpected death of Mr Singlong "Chinky" Hong, who passed away at the weekend. A much-loved local character, Mr Hong was always pleased to be known simply as Chinky to patrons of his restaurant "The Chopped Stick", the first Chinese restaurant to be opened in Penzance back in the 1960s.
He was often heard to say, with a chuckle, "Guiloes no pronounce my name right, betta I say I Chinky!". Chinky was married to the 1956 Miss Halsetown, Catherine Trembath. The couple had no children.
A memorial service will be held at Chapel St Methodist Church on Wednesday at 3.00pm. According to Chinky’s last wishes, no flowers should be sent, but instead donations should be made to the Penzance branch of the Chinese Opium Smokers’ society.
CELEBRITY NEWS
with Court and Social editor Elsie Rescorla
Tregavarah Operatic Society Star adopts Colinsey Road child
Priscilla Rodda, the much-loved opera diva from Tregavarah, has adopted at last!
After fruitless years of treatment at the Bojuthno Trudgen Institute for Artificial Insemination, Priscilla has adopted a child from Maureen Coke, of 31, Colinsey Road, Treneere.
The child, believed to be female, was offered up by Maureen for adoption by Priscilla in exchange for an undisclosed sum.
Planning news:
Lamorna to be used for storage of nuclear waste shock!
Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has struck again with a shock piece of news for picturesque Lamorna (left).
GRUC has signed a £40 million per year deal with the Republic of Ukraine to accept nuclear waste, which will be stored in Lamorna harbour.
Councillor Archibald Coke was unrepentant and unapologetic in giving out the news. "I dunno what they people are complaining about. I’s only a bitta waste. We’ll putten under the sand in the harbour and put a fence up round un. Tourists can hire Geiger counters at 50p a time and do their own measurin'."
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COURT REPORT
By Court Correspondent John Willie Polkinghorne, at Relubbus Magistrates' Court
Parish Council Chairman Terrorises Relubbus
Boy-racer Derek Hustle (63), the Chairman of Wellwhit Parish Council on the Isle of Wight, has been convicted of speeding.
In evidence, P.C. Obed Carne said:
"I clocked 'un 'urtlin' down Relubbus High Street at 32 mph. 'Ee was drivin' one-'anded, and wavin' a bottle of dry white wine in his other 'and. When 'ee got to the end of the street, 'ee did un 'and-brake turn and 'urtled back again. By this time, some ladies 'ad become 'istorical, an' 'Epzibah Pollock's prize sow, Gwennifyr, which 'ad been crossin' the street at the time, 'ad its litter then and there."
In mitigation, Hustle's solicitor explained that Hustle was not used to Relubbus roads. On the Isle of Wight, he said, people thought nothing of driving at speeds up to 35 mph. Just as the Isle of Man is known as "motor bike island", so the I.O.W. has been described as "racing car island", due to its proliferation of high-speed motorways.
Hustle (shown on the left leaving court disguised as a woman) asked for 17 other offences to be taken into account and was sentenced to 60 hours community service. He was also fined £3 and ordered to pay costs of £2.15.
Appropriately enough, it is understood that the Parish Council of Wellwhit has voted to defrock its erstwhile Chairman.
Proper Job - Cornish for the Non-Cornish
Gunnabuyunaree?
No, this is not an advertisement. This is the Relubbas Roundup’s way of introducing Cornish for the Non-Cornish.
Gunnabuyunaree? = "Are you considering the purchase of…..?"
I aren’t = "No, I am not."
Plumiza? = "Is he a little slow on the uptake?"
Queeriza? = "Is he gay?"
Bumdoee? = "Are you gay?"
Poetry Corner
Kenidjack Poetical, Literary and Philosophical Club
Annual Prize for Poetry in 2007
Awarded to Nellie Boskerris of Nanjizal, for her poem
I duh...
I duh do the washin on Mondays.
I duh go cleanin Tuesdays.
I duh like to stay ome Wednesdays, there’s plenty of cleanin ome to do.
I duh clean up in the back ‘ouse, make sure there’s plenty o newspaper.
Nuthin worse n bein stuck out there at 9 o’ clock on a winter’s eve, done your business, screamin for paper, but no one can ear you for the wind.
I duh gwup town regular for shoppin - buy n fresh and cook n fresh - thas me.
Thursdays I duh go old folks ome to elp out - git a bit a money for un too.
Fridays I duh do bakin and praps gwup town for a bitta geek roun.
Saturdays I’d put on my party frock and d’ go up bingo for a bit laugh.
Enty May’s Problem Page
Readers are invited to seek Enty May’s benevolent guidance on sensitive matters of the heart, soul, body and human relations in general. In a previous issue, we stated that Enty May had a background of long term psychiatric care. We now understand that she herself received the care, rather than dispensing it. Since her words of advice are greatly valued, we do not regard past severe instability as an impediment to her role in this organ.
Course I aren’t gunna tell the pleece. 'Owever, I was wundrin 'ow much blackmail money I could ask for to keep quiet?
Dear Enty, I duh 'ate my mother-in-law. 'Ow can I get rid of 'er fer keeps.
Enty replies: Well, my 'ansome, best way I can think of is t' bake she a nice pasty, but put plenty of rat poison innun. Put enough innun and she’ll be out your way.
Question from Elvia Cock (49) of Nanquidnick:Dear Enty, My 'usbant says I am now ugly as sin and 'ee duh want to get rid o’ me. 'Ee 'ave now got a girlfrien' – some 22 year old scrubber 'ee picked up down Barn Club. What do I do?
Question from Oliver Addicoat (16) of Heamoor:
Enty replies: Well, my cock, you’re some proper little man thinking about yer family name. Yer mother should be proud of 'ee.
If you want to get your own ASBO, you gotta' get noticed and that might be difficult with so many talented people in your street.If I were you, I would concentrate on the old folks’ flats. Start off with breaking bottles o’ milk, smasha few windows and work yer way all the way up to explosives through the door. Best a luck, my ansome!
LONELY HEARTS
The Roundup recognises its social responsibilities towards the community it serves in many ways. One of these is by helping unattached folk to meet suitable partners. We hope that the following people will soon meet love’s young dream.
Josiah Tredwin, 39, ("I’m the handsome one on the right!") is a skilled grave-digger and night watchman who has devoted so much time to professional development that he -- like many another professional -- has had little time for meeting the right person.
He is looking for a similarly professional young woman (say a doctor of about 28 years of age) with whom he can share the burden of care for his father and to help him in his practical exploration of the Kama Sutra. "I would like for she to 'ave a car, 'cos I gotta gwin town on the bus at the moment". The authorities have asked us to add that Josiah is fully registered with the Criminal Records Bureau. BOX 4772.
Shazzer Tregwin (24) is a girl who likes to have fun. She lists her interests as Bingo, drinking, fish ‘n’ chips, the Lottery, "all the gossip magazines", experimental sex, shoes, handbags, chocolate, and lingerie.
Archie Woolcock (45) is a local preacher, male voice choir member, and leader of a prayer group in Trelidden.
He runs a youth football team, and is a boy scout leader and Sunday School teacher. He has a job in the dry dock. An only child, he lives at home with his Mum and Dad.
Now that he has started wearing long trousers, he believes that it is time for him to meet girls, but it must be someone of whom his mother fully approves. His ideal woman would look like his Mum -- "a bit younger, of course!". BOX 2024.IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE
- Camilla: shocking revelations!
- Henry VIII reincarnated in Penzance!
- Latest on the police search for master Crows an Wra criminal Jimmy "Boots bag" Dash .
- Millionaire Rosudgeon recluse Jasper Behenna's search for a young bride: the truth behind the rumours.
- Local doctor in sex scandal!
- Leader of chart-topping St Buryan music combo unmasked!
- Bumper edition of our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" section.
- And much, much more!
