BYPASS FOR ST. MICHAEL'S MOUNT!

PLANNING NEWS
Shock Plans for a bypass over St. Michael's Mount unveiled today
By guest reporter Horton Tregarthen


Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) today put on show to the public the recently emergency-approved plans for the new Marazion bypass, which is, controversially, routed via St. Michael's Mount. The GRUC's Department of Transport, whose 96-storey building looms ominously over its neighbours in Ludgvan, announced that the new 8-lane highway will be known as the M2001.

Local resident Mr Lord Tommy St. Levan commented that the new road "will be proper for me to git home early from Safeway". Mr St Levan works as a trolley stacker in the Safeway car park.

However, other local residents have pointed out a potentially fatal flaw in the bypass plan, arising from the fact that the Channel will flood the new highway twice a day. Departmental spokeswoman Miss Ethel Bolitho laughingly dismissed these concerns by pointing out that the highway would be closed to traffic for several hours a day "till ee duh dry up a bit". She then amended this statement to say that the highway would have to be raised on a bridge (to bring it roughly to a level with the castle, through which it will pass).

Long Rock councillor Master Billy Bolitho reacted to this news with a considered statement to the effect that "my bleddy Enty is nuts. They want to 'ave a tunnel -- that'll keep the traffic moving".

The National Trust, owners of the treasured historic landmark that is St Michael's Mount, have insisted on certain minimal provisions to protect this glorious jewel of our Cornish heritage. They have insisted that the highway shall incorporate flowerbeds and magnolia trees along the central reservation. They have also advertised for volunteer stewards to keep a look out for non-members gaining access to the highway, which passes through the Mount's ancient chapel. "If they duh want t' cum through ‘ere, they duh ‘ave to be members!", stated an insistent Trencrom Polglaze of the Cornish National Trust.

LATE NEWS
Roundup informant Miss Tryphena Spargo-Spargo-Spargo, niece of Billy Spargo, the Chairman of GRUC, has stated that when she was last visiting her Uncle Billy she sneaked a view at the latest Council minutes, and that these stated:

"The tollgate machines for the the new bypass are situated 100 feet above ground (or sea, depending upon the tide). At high tide, all cars failing to display a Kernow sticker will be dropped below."

Further news on this to follow.