PENDEEN MAN WINS CARN GLOOSE LOTTERY

The surprise winner of this year's internationally-famed annual Carn Gloose Lottery can now be revealed to be none other than Pendeen man, Simon Jacka (37).

Mr Jacka, pictured here with his huge cheque following the presentation at the Newlyn Deep Sea Fishermen's Mission, accompanied by some rapidly-appearing and ever hopeful female admirers (all of whom work in the Newlyn Kwop), said that he had bought his £5 ticket some three months ago and then promptly forgot all about it.

"When I 'eard they numbers comin' up on Radio Kernow, it sounded a bit familiar. I 'ad plum fergot I 'ad that ticket, but when I 'eard they numbers, I pulled un out and couldn' bleeve I'd won the bleddy thing!"

Literally tens of tickets are sold throughout the year to hopefuls, who all have their eye on the big prize. This year the winning ticket brings Mr Jacka the princely sum of £341.95. Mr Jacka (42) is single and works over St Erth Creamery as a cleaner. He has, over the years, acquired a reputation as something of a gambling playboy on the West Cornwall scene and can often be seen down the Mecca Bingo, but a win on this scale was beyond his wildest dreams

Mr Jacka (39) plays trombone in Pendeen band and came 5th in the sack race in his penultimate year at primary school. His mother, Lizzie (96), who lives nearby in an old folks' home, was over the moon.

"Now ee've won 'is fortune, all ee duh want now is to settle down with sum nice li'l maid", she said.

The nice little maids in the picture are from the left Rowena Pascoe (18, cheese counter), Olive Pengelly (21, bacon counter), Avril Pearce (23, fruit and vegetables) and Lavinia Andrewartha (19, till). Unfortunately, when the girls realised that the winnings were £341.95 and not £341,950, they disappeared as quickly as they came.
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RELUBBUS AIRWAYS ARE PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THE RE-INTRODUCTION OF THEIR POPULAR "SELECTOR" FLIGHTS
Relubbus Airways, "the people's choice" airline, with scheduled daily return flights from Relubbus International airport to St Just airport, Newquay, and Wellington in New Zealand, has succumbed to enormous public pressure and is re-introducing its hugely popular, but controversial, "Selector" flights.

Pictured on the left is the Merlin turbo-prop nine-seater, manufactured by the Cornish Aircraft Corporation (CAC) at Rosudgeon, that will be used for the flights, which are regarded as the ultimate thrill in air travel.

The Selector is a variant of musical chairs with one crucial difference. Passengers are secured into their seats with hand and ankle cuffs. When safely airborne, the Selector is switched on. Stirring music is heard -- vigorously hummed or whistled by the pilot. A light on top of the headrest of each seat is illuminated -- one after the other. When the music stops, the occupant of the illuminated seat is "selected" and receives a 150,000 volts electric shock.

In an atmosphere of ever growing suspense, up to three selections can be made per flight.

One of the survivors from the last flight in June last year commented, "You just don't know suspense till you've been on a Selector -- it could be curtains for you! You feel so relieved when you are one of the last six, who will touch down, but then you can't wait to get up there again for that special buzz!"

Selector flights will start next week from Relubbus International and will cost £8500 per person. Special rates for "Get the Groom" stag parties!! Tel. Relubbus 456830