Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


The recent series of classifieds appearing in this organ contained one plea that brought a reaction from hundreds of young women, all desperate to be the source of solace to the man who advertised thus:

Old fart, 82 but not yet dead, seeks stunning blonde between 25 and 29, who will lavish love upon me. Must be solvent, as I aren’t. Tel 0905 446 4612.

It is with the greatest of regret that we bring you the news that, despite the note of plucky optimism at the beginning of his message, the “Old Fart”, one Daniel Beare of the Caravan, Badger’s Field, St Just, has now passed away.

Such was his joy at being told that his advert had attracted 257 applicants that his excitement grew and his heart gave up on him.

However, we were so touched at the reaction that we have decided to print, for free, the adverts of some of those who responded in such a kindly manner, despite the fact that some clearly do not fit into the category of blonde, solvent, stunning and between 25 and 29.

Janice Cock (27) from Rosudgeon is a mobile (with own bike) "penile implant repair operative", who counts the whole of West Penwith as her patch. Given the nature of her work, she was on the lookout for a relationship that would offer her restful companionship to counterbalance the rigours of her day. “I am shagged out at the end of the day and jes’ wanted someone to come ‘ome to. I’m sum sorry to ‘ear about Mr Beare!” Janice would like to hear from you at Box 5674.

Sharon Botterill (16) is still at school, but as she said “Mr Beare sounded like such a kindly old bloke. I was jes’ goin’ to call in on un after school every couple of days to check ee’s alright, fetch ‘is fags and that sort of thing. Course, it might ‘ave led to more….” If anyone is moved by Sharon’s touching concern, she would love to hear from them and would like younger men or even boys her own age to make contact at Box 3912.

Lydia Addicoat (27), last year’s Miss Perranporth, shown here wearing her winning crown, is a ‘junior’ in a hair styling salon, where she has been training for some years to become a beautician. As the salon has male customers now too, she has been ‘looking after their feet’. She has developed a particular affection for old men’s feet, but did not like to tell anyone about it. Mr Beare would have been a dream partner, as he had apparently had ‘very bad feet’. If anyone would like to “play footsie” with Lydia, they should write to Box 7834.

Some one calling themselves just ‘Chris’ has sent in this photo, along with a message saying “I am Chris. I look just like this. I don’t want people to be afraid any more. They can trust me now. I am sorry about Mr Beare. I thought I could manage him, because his sight was probably not any good any more.” Chris lives "up on the moors" and loves horses. If you are interested, just take up a message. Chris will be watching. Chris is always watching.

Dog poo control operative (no, she’s eating chocolate!) Linda Borlase (25) is a sweet girl, who was strongly taken by Mr Beare’s cri de coeur. Overactive glands leave Linda with an embarrassing personal odour problem that makes her think she’d be better suited to an older man, like Mr Beare. She would like to hear from other over 80s gents at Box 4567.

Bert Trelowarren is a 27-year-old ladies' outfitter from Nancledra. A gentle soul, he has difficulty in fitting into the Penzance scene. He is very interested in male bodily dysfunctions, but finds it hard to relate his wishes to others. He thought that he would have a chance with an older man, hence his interest in Daniel. If anyone else would like to while away an evening with Bert over a yarn and a gallon of Bulmers, he should contact Box 5601.

Gracie Pender is 96 and still ‘up for it’. Gracie invented lap dancing in the 1920s and made a great deal of money from Lord Falmouth, the Bolithos and the Le Grices. She has also been credited with passing on handy hints to the Duckess of Cornwall about how to enliven nights at Highgrove. Charles was so thankful, he sent down his favourite cabbage to her. When she read Daniel’s message she thought “he’s a bit of a toyboy, but I’ve got the money and the time, so why the hell not?" Gracie is still eligible and open to invitations at Box 9127.

And finally, the man who all this was about? The man himself, Daniel Beare?

Here we have a picture of Daniel, snapped at one of his last ‘Dentures for Life’ sessions, where he acted as a model.

We send Daniel every best wish for his future journeys through the worlds of being!

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