ANNOUNCEMENT AND CLASSIFIEDS

ANNOUNCEMENT

Following refurbishment of the Pope’s Vatican apartments, his old toilet and seat (with Papal insignia) are available for sale to the public by auction at Polkinghorne’s in Boswedden Lane.

The sale will include 13 and a half rolls of UNUSED papal toilet paper. Reserve price of £7,500 will apply.

Classifieds

Breeder of 'elephant' giant dormice offers top quality manure from ‘his little boys’. Delivered by the ton. St Buryan 456723

14,500 remaindered copies of “Knocking on doors” by Hazel Blears. £5 for job lot. Wakfer’s of Newbridge 349123

Jacqui Smith’s husband’s entire DVD film collection bundled together for just £25 (NOT FOR SALE TO MINORS!!) –includes the Peruvian classic “And afterwards, you can even eat the guinea pig!!” Wakfer’s of Newbridge 349123

Entire hardback print run of Gordon Brown’s “Loosen up and live a little” – all 10,000 signed by the author – available for just £3.75 the lot. Wakfer’s of New Bridge 349123

Genuine Cornish ‘Landshark’ motor car to be made available for private sale.

Features include lino floor and driver’s seat in black plastique, windable driver’s window provides air conditioning; rear seat toilet bucket with handle for easy removal ; stool for front passenger with ‘hold-on’ straps for added security; ‘Lid’ cover for boot with completely new piece of string to secure your transportables. Features the classic one stroke engine permitting speeds in excess of 13 mph!!! A true collector’s item and appropriately priced at £44,535. Morvah 567 892

Complete set of left-handed paint brushes 0nly £75 – would suit ginger-haired homosexual living in Tregeseal or, possibly, Newbridge. Paul 678 432

22 year old unpleasant rude little tart with weight control problem, now working at the Morvah pet shop, but can’t wait to get away from the owner, Mr Pubes. Desperate for new career path in either old people care or prostitution. Heamoor 982 345

Vintage (1950s) pram for sale at just £700. Has been completely refurbished and updated for security. Razor blades embedded all around the edges to discourage baby-snatchers. Electrified handles, so rubber gloves (extra at £16.50) are essential. Gurnards Head 456 795

Ladies' Bodice (size 34) in pink and black leatherette. Never been washed and with bitemarks skilfully concealed by invisible mending. Casual stains are a work of unconscious art. Ludgvan 563923