NEWS FLASH

KNEE-TREMBLAY NOT DEAD!

Capitaine Aristide Absinthe Knee-Tremblay, whose obituary we carried last week, is, in fact, not deceased. In a statement issued yesterday, M. Knee-Tremblay said, "Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I was merely resting."

The news will be greeted with rejoicing by Knee-Tremblay's many admirers on both sides of the Channel.

Arrangements for a state funeral in St Buryan, where M. Knee-Tremblay lives, have been put on hold -- at least temporarily, while it is established if a relapse is probable; and thus whether the 10,000 pasties obtained from Rowe's on a sale-or-return basis should be retained for another week, or returned immediately.