MOUNTAIN VIEW CALIFORNIA BEATS SALES TARGETS FOR THE ROUNDUP!!

The Relubbus Roundup is read by an eager public around the world.  Sales hot spots occur in places as varied as Vaduz in Liechtenstein, Punta Arenas in Tierra del Fuego, sunny Medvezhka in Russia and Warumungu in Australia.

However, nowhere achieves the astounding sales figures registered by our enthusiastic sales team in Mountain View, California.

The team, pictured left, consists of Bunty Wakfer (21), Tizzie Trembath (32), Bill Rosewarne (29), "Tubs" Blewett (28) and Daphne Angwin (27).

Together, they have managed to sell 45,000 copies of the Roundup in the last month alone, beating their target of 44,975 by an amazing 25!

The quintet of beauties has therefore won this month's sales prize of a 25%-off morning at Flambards, followed by a slap-up half-price meal at Highlane Fish and Chip shop in Hayle.
Well Done the Girls!!

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Tamsin's Lenin Chocolates

Surprise your loved one this Christmas with Communist Chocolates!!

Lovingly crafted by Tamsin Behenna (56) of Boswergy and inspired by Vladimir Ilyich himself, these Lenin Chocolates are politically pure and can be eaten without reservation by Marxists, Leninists and even Trotskyites and Maoists.

They are also good for anyone - especially women - who might be on a diet, since they are the world's first chocolates that contain no chocolate and that are entirely fat-free.

Indeed, certified as calorie-free by the prestigious Prospidnick Institute, Tamsin's Lenin chocolates are made on the family dairy farm fresh every day and are sold in mini-buckets specially sealed to keep the freshness in.

Each mini-bucket contains 20 chocolates - or blobs - and, once the bucket has been opened, they must all be polished off quickly within, at most, 20 minutes, whilst making appropriate use of the peg and plastic glove provided.

A bucket of 20 chocolates  will cost as little as £50 for an eating experience your loved one will never forget!  Available at RC Oates Superstores and at all good shops.

Olive Opie - for dental hygiene the old-fashioned way!

Build-up of plaque is one of the arch-enemies of good dental health and there is a lot that you can do yourself to keep your teeth fresh and clean by, for example, regular brushing at least once or twice a year.

However, despite this rigorous attention, plaque can stiil build up and, before you know it, you could find yourself being measured up for a full set of balsa wood choppers!

But you needn't let it get this bad.  You simply have to make an appointment with Olive now and again and every trace of plaque will be removed from your teeth quickly and - almost - painlessly, using tried and tested old-fashioned methods.

Olive (pictured) uses only a carefully adapted wire brush and especially soft sandpaper to lift off the plaque without taking too much of the enamel off your teeth.  After the healing period, which normally takes no more than a few weeks, you will be able to flash your gleaming Hollywood-style white teeth at everybody!

Olive will come to perform her dental hygiene magic in the comfort of your own home or caravan.

Treatent costs just £150 per hour, plus VAT.  Call Sennen 567543.

What does your Pasty say about You?

Professor A J Tonkin (52) visiting lecturer at the Relubbus Institute of Psychology has just published a thrilling new book, which is set to take the whole of the Cornish world by storm.

"What does your Pasty say about You?", published by Curyak Press of Tolcarne, contains insights gained by Professor Tonkin over 5 years of concentrated research into pasty-making.

His central theory is that a person's character is revealed and can be easily read  in the type of pasty they make.

Do you crimp on the left?  Then you are 'normal'.  Do you crimp on the top?  Then you are either a dangerous pervert, who ought to be locked up, or from Devon, in which case you have no business making pasties at all.  Do you crimp on the right?  Then you are probably a candidate for gender re-assignment.

These observations are the easy ones, but there are many hundreds more conclusions that can be drawn from how you make a pasty, the type of fat used, the mix of fat and flour, the proportion of turnick to tatee, the amount of onion, the cut and amount of meat and so on.

Beyond that, there is another set of conclusions that can be drawn from how you actually eat a pasty.

This 600 page tome is worth every penny of the £98 cover price and goes on sale tomorrow in the book section of all WG Trevaskis stores.  Interested?  The hurry along to get your copy.  These books are expected to sell quicker than hot pasties!