SPECIAL BILLY SPARGO EDITION

This week the Roundup looks at the central figure in the political, administrative, literary and social life of Relubbus.

The much celebrated Councillor Billy Spargo (129), shown here smiling for the camera as he sits at his work, is the ever youthful Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

Generations of people in Relubbus have grown up knowing no other leader in this proud independent state.   But few know the man behind the name and behind the statesman.

Accordingly, in this first part of a planned 9,675 part serialisation about the greatest man in Relubbus, we take a look at the human being behind the name.   This week we look at the Ladies' man.

Spargo is an honest man of the soil and only decided to go into politics after strong encouragement to do so from his Enty May and also from Queen Victoria and the then Pope. 

This tradition of support continues today as can be seen from this photo  of the present day Queen and Pope emerging gratefully from a recent audience they were granted with Councillor Billy Spargo. 

There were rumours about Spargo and Victoria and there have been rumours down the decades about the closeness of his relationship with royal ladies ever since.

Spargo is a man of regular and spartan habits.  He prides himself on taking a bath annually, although he abhors the use of soap as being something completely unnatural.  As he correctly points out, "There iddenuthin bout soap in the Garden of Eden, izza?!"

Despite the comparative rarity of this bathing event, there are 7 'Ladies of the bathchamber', whose job it is to ensure that the sundry deposits built up over the year are removed from the surface and various crevices of Councillor Spargo's body.

As you would only expect, there is great competition amongst the women of Relubbus for the signal honour of of being one of the chosen few.  There is an annual draw and thousands of hopefuls put their names forward, but only 7 are chosen.

The picture is of the current ladies of the bathchamber, who are, from the left, Lucy Trembath (23), Betsy Angwin (32), Agnes Trevorrow (62) with, behind her, Tamsin Chirgwin (39), Loveday Baragwaneth (21), Pammie Polkinghorne (29) and Linda Addicoat (40). 

Said spokeswoman Agnes, "'Sworth every minnut!  Ee's a real man, we ebbent nevver seen nuthin like it!  You'd nevver bleeve ee was 129 - more like 29.  Kept all o' we 'appy!"

One of the special rewards that go along with the honour is the right to bottle and sell the health-giving water in which the great man has bathed.  The claims made for the water are many.  It is reputedly a cure for the common cold, for hair loss, for problems 'down below', for flatulence and for 'feelinabit queer'.

Spargo's history with the ladies is the stuff of legend.  His reputed conquests range from Mrs Wallis Simpson (wife of King Edward VIII, not a lady of the family that owns the famous Penzance store!) to Mrs Rachele Mussolini, Ms Eva Braun, Mrs Jackie Kennedy, Madame Sarkozy, Helen Mirren and Mrs Lyudmila Putin.

Spargo has been married several times and has had many affairs, despite his punishing 18 hour day toiling for the people of Relubbus on Council business.  Members of the public may be wondering who might now be his current squeeze.

The Roundup can exclusively reveal that it is none other than intoxicatingly beautiful young Araminta Pengelly (23), a checkout operator from Long Rock.

Araminta, who attended Relubbus Comprehensive School and left with distinctions in advanced knitting, manicure and leafing through popular magazines, is trying to keep a low profile, as revealed by the picture on the left from a recent photoshoot. 

Araminta, a girl of few words, did coyly confess to looking forward to having her first Spargolet.  You read it here first!

Next week, we will be looking at Spargo, the man of letters.