Issue 8, 30th July 2007

SPARGO SAYS PAKISTAN EMBASSY "TOO BIG"
by our Diplomatic Correspondent Rendall Janner

Outspoken Councillor Billy Spargo has caused ripples within the Relubbus diplomatic community by stating that the Pakistani Embassy in Relubbus is too large and calling for the number of diplomats (believed to number around 1,000) to be greatly reduced.

The picture on the left shows the gates of the Pakistani Embassy compound in Boswedden Lane. Apparently a "garden party" is in progress, and many hundreds of people (if not over a thousand) can be seen having a good time.

Mrs Edith Tregarthen (67), who lives next door at No.8, said "They are nice people, but before it was an embassy there was only Mr and Mrs Liddicoat living there with their dog, and it was cramped then. Now I don’t know how many they got crammed in there but it can’t be right!"

Spargo, the "voice of the people", agrees and has asked for the number of staff at the Embassy to be cut down to 10 at most. Controversially, he has also asked for the three mosques that have been built in the compound to be removed. Extremist Methodist groups have been threatening to "take out" the mosques and Spargo’s requests for staff reductions and the removal of the mosques is seen as an attempt to lower the temperature amongst the more dangerously militant Methodist groupings.

Firebrand Reverend Ezekiel Polkinghorne from Tremethick Cross, known to be a leader of one of the more recklessly dangerous Methodist groupings -- the "Bible Bashers" -- has greeted Spargo’s words with grudging tight-lipped approval, stating merely "It’s a proper job", when asked for his opinion by one of our Reporters.
EXCLUSIVE: identity of royal conman revealed!
by Society Correspondent Rendall Janner

As previously revealed by the the Roundup, "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall" is actually Lily Nichols, an ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, who has succeeded in convincing large sections of the English media that she is an aristocrat.

What has not been known, up to now, is the identity of her con-man partner, who claims to be the "Duke of Cornwall". The pair are shown left, at a charity ball in aid of homeless inebriates. We are assured that tickets for this function cost upwards of £700, and that (in tribute to the supposed beneficiaries of the event) the wine flowed freely, as evidenced by the "Duke"'s rosy nose! We understand that the organizers were so keen to have "royalty" present that they guaranteed Lily a 20% off-the-top rake off. (It's always good to see a local girl better herself. Ed)

The Roundup can now reveal that the "Duke" is actually Bert ("Len") Harvey from Towednack. Len attended the Humphry Davy Grammar School in Penzance, where he came to notice playing upper class twits in school drama productions. After school, Len furthered his acting career by joining the Cripples Ease' Players. His Bertie Wooster in the Cripples' 1964 production of P.G. Wodehouse's Joy in the Morning is still spoken of with awe by those fortunate enough to have witnessed it. Rarely can gormless vacuity have been portrayed so convincingly! The shuffling gait, the vacant grin, the strange, strangulated accent, the awkward hands and feet -- all were perfection. It is easy to see how Len's "Charles" became the perfect foil for Lily's "Camilla".

Len has Show Biz in his blood. He is a nephew of eccentric busker Dickie "Banjo" Trevains (shown left), who entertained generations of commuters at Penzance Railway station by singing, in his falsetto voice, the one song in his repertoire, the Spice Girls’ favourite, "Two become one".

Rest assured that the Roundup will bring you more news of Len and Lily's exploits as we get it.

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Mousehole Girls do us proud!
by Arts Correspondent Rendall Janner

Appearing in the hit musical, South Pacific, being staged at Tremethick Cross, are the following 6 local beauties -- all from the Mousehole vicinity.

From the left can be seen Prudence Pengilly (19) from Tregidden, Patience Daniel (21) from Noongallas, Cordelia Uren (20) from Tredenneck, Hester Lawry (18) from Penhorven, Ethel Nicholls (22) from Tregonwell and Ursula Barnicoat (21) from Rosemorran.

Although they are pictured here fully clothed, the production calls for the girls to perform their song and dance routines in the nude. Initially reluctant to do so, they have overcome their inhibitions for the sake of their art (and for the sake of the additional £5 per head donated by the show’s sponsor, Mr Quentin Bolitho).

This unusual feature of the production has caused it to be packed out night after night, playing to a capacity audience of 5 ever since it opened two days ago.

The musical’s controversial director, ex-Reverend Job Morris, commented "Artistes must be prepared to make small sacrifices for their art and I am pleased to be able to personally confirm that each of the girls has made that sacrifice."

Tickets for the production (at £1.50 each) are available from Friggens dairy and the Alexandra Road Tuck Shop in Penzance, from the Kwop in Newlyn, and from RC Oats’ Superstore in Relubbus.
PC Trembath in trouble again
by Crime Correspondent Rendall Janner

PC "Strikey" Trembath has been in trouble yet again. Although his methods do not always conform to PACE guidelines, they are, he says, always successful.

"I get they buggers and keep bashin’ ‘em till they duh confess!", he said.

Pictured here on the left in happier times, PC Trembath has been accused of using unnecessary force to restrain a suspect.

"I seen this man with a smart car an’ I thought I’ll take ‘ee down a peg or two!"

Trembath approached the man, hit him,and, when the man tried to defend himself, screamed at him "Got you now, you bastard, for attacking a police officer!"

The suspect subjected to this unusual form of questioning was a holidaymaker, who was subsequently released after his claim to be the Chief Constable of West Yorkshire Constabulary turned out to be correct.
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UP CHAPEL
By our Religious Affairs Correspondent Ayatollah Osama Bin Trezidder

Another big turnout was registered for Archilaus Boswedden’s popular evening service at Kenidjack Lane Methodist Chapel.

Once again Archilaus (79) delivered his message in song, taking the trinity as his theme and modifying the Spice Girl’s song Two become One as the prime medium of delivery.

He was accompanied by his sister, Faith, on the banjo and bravely battled with his stammer to give an evening of unparalleled entertainment for four hours.

The battery of sound even succeeded in masking Archilaus’ unfortunate wind problem, although it could do nothing to reduce the impact of his body odour.

The evening was rounded off with a pasty supper, which was attended by the entire congregation of 14.
DOWN PENDRAWARTHA'S
By our Senior Citizen Correspondent Rendall Janner

The atmosphere at Pendrewartha’s Home for the Elderly was enlivened last week by a visit from doughty old amateur impressionist and mime artist, Jehosophat (Joe) Curnow of Praze-an-Beeble, pictured here on the left.

Joe, 85, did his famous routine "Guess ‘oo this is!", giving lively impressions of many folk now long dead -- to the clear delight of the least confused members of his audience. One inmate, Elspeth Kelynack, said "I duh nearly wet myself when ‘ee duh do they voices -- is jes like they people was ‘ere in the room! Course, they’re all passed away now..."

Joe surprised his audience with an unexpected new talent at the end of his performance, when he tried to do his "Chippendale routine". Joe’s performance was sadly interrupted when his colostomy bag ruptured and he had to be rushed to hospital.
OVER ‘ARRY’S
By Crime Correspondent Rendall Janner

‘Arry’s famous Port and Starboard fish and chip shop at Gurnard’s Head was the scene of some considerable disturbance over the past week, as the establishment has been picketed by ‘Arry’s common-law wife, Bessie Peninula (35), after a disagreement about Bessie’s steadfast refusal to wash.

Accompanied by a local vagrant, Ernie Trewerne (39), and also by her flatulent pet Rottweiler, "Scrapper", Bessie has been accosting every prospective fish and chip purchaser in an attempt to persuade them to take their custom elsewhere.

This "persuasion" has occasionally been too physically aggressive and police (PC Derek Borlase) were called to the scene on three separate occasions to rescue purchasers from the attentions of the desperate trio. One such victim, Ebenezer Clemo of Tregeagle Farm, had to be rushed to Treliske hospital after a good bashing, with Scrapper still firmly attached to his left calf. Victim and attacker were later separated in what Dr Robert Behenna (41) described "as a challenging operation".

Miss Peninula of Gweles Estate and Mr Trewerne of no fixed abode will appear before Relubbus magistrates next Monday.
IN SCHOOL
By Education Correspondent Rendall Janner

Cleared at last week’s magistrates’ court of "behaviour unbecoming a headmaster" and other related charges, James Bovenna (pictured below) led the school in a rousing performance of Cabaret, in which he took the part of Sally Bowles in a convincing role, despite the handicap of his weight (24 stone) and confinement to a wheelchair.

In the same production, precocious and surprisingly well-developed 12-year-old Zelda Pender managed to squeeze in four separate performances of her "dance of the seven veils", a routine that members of the Penzance Lodge of Freemasons will be well familiar with.

Trevor Bolitho, Chairman of Cornwall County Council’s Education Committee and a co-opted member of the Culture Committee of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) said that both Committees were not happy about the goings-on at the school and that Mr Bovenna was not "off the hook yet".

Zelda has undoubtedly brought much pleasure and many a happy smile to the Freemasons at Penzance. However, the Committee men are not happy about Mr Bovenna’s influence on some pupils at the school. Concern was greatest over his "Life skills" extra-curricular programme for senior girls, about which investigators have been able to discover very little.

Effusive Zelda (pictured left and unbelievably still only 12) is an ardent supporter of Mr Bovenna. "I aren’t very good at sums an’ writin’ an’ I was some thrilled when Sir said I ‘ad ‘idden talents, wot only needed to be brought on a bit -- so me an’ Susie Trewin stayed behind school for they special classes. I’s all done wonders fer me. I got one o’ they BWM cars now, which I can’t wait to learn to drive."

Mothers of both girls, who live next door to each other on the sprawling and infamous Carntreth Estate in Relubbus, are thrilled and totally supportive of Mr Bovenna. Said Mrs Pender, "I’m some glad that Zelda’s getting’ on at last. She duh ‘elp me out with fags now an again an you tell me ‘ow many other girls ’er age have got one o' they MBW cars?!"


ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!




SPARTACUS

starring KIRK DOUGLAS, LAURENCE OLIVIER, JEAN SIMMONS, and CHARLES LAUGHTON


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.







ROUNDUP VISITS INDIAN EMBASSY
by our Diplomatic Correspondent Rendall Janner

Continuing our journey amongst the huge diplomatic community in Relubbus, we had the pleasure of calling in at the Indian Embassy, which is in Boswedden Lane, on the opposite side of Mrs Tregarthen’s house to the Pakistani Embassy.

It is a great pleasure because, alone amongst all the 350 embassies in Relubbus, the Indian Embassy doubles up as a restaurant (curiously named "The Embassy") and takeaway, as well as a regular diplomatic establishment.

Pictured on the left is His Excellency Mr Thakurjeet Singh, his wife Preet, their two sons, Pavitar (with beard) and Lakhbir, and two daughters, Amrit (left) and Jasmindar.

The whole family is engaged in the restaurant business and it is going so well that they are thinking of opening up a Consulate (and takeaway) in Marazion.

Given the often frosty relations between Pakistan and India, Mr Singh diplomatically preferred not to comment on Councillor Spargo’s call for the Pakistani Embassy to be down-sized.

With many a side-to-side shake of the head, he stated "Ve are happy with GRUC decisions in all matters and are finding it absolutely tophole to be here in Relubbus. It is of inestimable value to India to have good relations vith Relubbus and ve are happy that Councillor Spargo is man ve can do business vith. Oh! Oh! Oh! Ve are also happy that many folk in Relubbus are people ve can do business vith. Takeaways are doing well, especially Saturdays and you can’t get in here then vithout booking!"

So, if you fancy a curry you can do no better than popping along to the Embassy!
POETRY CORNER
with Literary Correspondent Emily Bindweed

Many people have wondered from where the boy-prodigy poet, Philip Trudgeon, got his talent. The answer is quite clearly that it is his mother, Ariminta, who passed on the poetic gene to her lucky son.

Here, Ariminta, who is 28, publishes a poetic tour de force of her own, for the first time.

Ariminta is pictured on the left in a shot taken at the Helford passage, just after she has successfully landed a large fish.

Her moving piece is entitled Goin’ up Truro.




Goin' Up Truro

I dearly like to gwup Truro -- the shops there are some smart.
You got more choice than you got down ‘ere -- and they aren’t too busy neither.

I wen’ up there las’ week with Aggie Trewelah. You duh knaw she!
‘Er daughter was the one oo got pregnant at 13 by that butcher’s boy.

We ‘ad a nice cup tea in Marks, but you won’t bleeve wot appended nex’.
Aggie got her ‘eel caught in a gratin’ an’ it come off, so she ‘ad to buy emergency shoes.

Sum game that was! When we wuz goin roun’, we bumped into Kitty Polglaze, oo duh live at the end of the road.

She duh think she’s God’s gift, now er ‘usbant got a car with ‘is job. We shall never ‘ear the last ovun.

Well anyway, I never did manage to get the wool to match the cardigan I started las’ year fer Jimmy. The lady in the shop said she thought it wadden bein maneefactured no more.

So 4.30 pm, ‘ome again on the bus. Rainon all the way ‘ome. Never mind, is always nice to gwup Truro.
OO’s DEAD?
Our popular Obituaries section

Relubbus was suffused with grief last week by the wholly unexpected news that Miss Morwenna Pellow has sadly passed away.

Miss Pellow, plucked from our midst at the tender age of 94, will be sorely missed by the whole community. She is in the middle of the childhood picture on the left, between her two elder sisters, Zenobia and Loveday.

Derek Bolitho (84) and Clarence Penhaligon (78) were both "waiting on" Miss Pellow. However, this was all to no avail as the entire estate passes on to her two elder sisters, the Misses Pellow. Miss Pellow left £184,000.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• EXCLUSIVE: SPARGO AND MADAME SARKOZY IN SECRET LOVE TRYST! Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner tells all!

• EXCLUSIVE: US TO BECOME PART OF RELUBBUS! Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner with a scoop!

• DISTRAUGHT BEVERLEY: Social Affairs Correspondent Rendell Janner tells the moving story of one single mum's plight.
  

• My PROFESSOR'S A CHIMP! Arts Correspondent Rendell Janner reports on the furore at Relubbus Conservatoire.
  

• AMERICAN - CORNISH PHRASEBOOK: Linguistics Advisor Rendell Janner provides some helpful phrases.
  

• TREVASKIS TO LAUNCH HOSTILE TAKEOVER BID FOR TESCO: Business Correspondent Rendell Janner brings you the latest from the financial markets.

• A MAGICAL EVENING WITH MAHLER AND BOTHERAS: Music Correspondent Professor D. Behenna describes a virtuoso performance by the Relubbus Triangle and Kazoo quintet.
  

• Inside the Saudi Embassy in Relubbus: Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner visits the Saudi Arabian representative in Relubbus.
  

• Another edition of our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" column.
  

• And much, much more!

Issue 7, 16th July 2007

INTERNATIONAL NEWS
SITUATION "VERY TENSE" ON HAYLE BORDER
by Foreign Correspondent Chester Minute

The long-running border dispute between Greater Relubbus and the People's Republic of Hayle has flared up again, after a bellicose speech by firebrand Relubbus Councillor Billy Spargo. Addressing the Relubbus Foreign Relations Committee, he asserted that the new border established after the 1968 "4-Day War" unfairly penalized Relubbus, by ceding to Hayle vast acres of land traditionally regarded as being part of Greater Relubbus. In particular, he said, Polglaze's dairy farm had been seized by the Haylors and shamefully turned into a "theme park", known as "Merlin's Magical Land".

The disputed area is shown in yellow in the map.

Councillor Spargo went on to claim that several Hayle businesses owned by Relubbusites had been fire-bombed. It was time, he said, to take action to protect Relubbus citizens resident in Hayle.

Last night, an armoured column of Relubbus Waste Disposal Trucks (WDTs) was seen moving towards the border. The WDTs are shown left, at their base at Relubbus's Camp Xray, prior to departure.

On the Hayle side, all army leave has been cancelled and reservists have been called up. It is rumoured that the Republic's crack troops, the 1st Hayle Alpine Brigade (shown below), are dug in close to the border.


Meanwhile, frantic diplomatic efforts are being made to avoid catastrophe. It is understood that Lower Gwavas, the current chair of the Union of Kernow States, is desperately trying to broker a last-minute deal between the opposing sides.

The next few days will tell whether it's to be peace or war. The Roundup will bring you all the news as it happens!





SCOOP OF THE DAY: GEORGE AND SPARGO IN SLANGING MATCH!
By Political Editor Loveday Olds

Shoppers in Simpsons of Penzance were treated to some unexpected entertainment when Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader, Billy Spargo (shown on the left, below), happened upon the Westminster MP for the St Ives Division, Andrew George (shown right, below), in the shop. Naturally, the Roundup was there and is able to report the spat verbatim.

Billy was in quest of a new headscarf for his Enty May’s birthday. "Nothun too speshul, something fer everyday, you duh knaw!"

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed George skulking in the shadows in a desperate attempt to escape his gaze. The two men have long been known to be bitter enemies and George has often had to suffer the venom of Spargo’s acid tongue.

Mr Spargo regards the Westminster Parliament, in which Mr George seeks to represent the interests of the West Penwith community, as a useless relic from the recent past. According to Spargo, his Relubbus supporters, and growing numbers around Cornwall, the true interests of Kernow go unaddressed by most of the political institutions of today, with the notable exception of the GRUC.

Regarded by many outsiders as just another part of England, Cornwall - or Kernow -- was once a country with its own unique and proud traditions, culture, customs, practice, and language, having more in common with Brittany than Devon. These unique badges of nationality have not entirely disappeared, but have merely dimmed, and in the hearts of many a Spargo, Clemo, or Jago the embers of nationhood await no more than the soft hush of the breath of recognition to be fanned into flames. In a man like Spargo, the flames are already burning bright and his passion is palpable to all. To his followers, the legitimacy of his position on the "Cornish question" is unquestionable and much more securely founded than that of George, a mere footsoldier in Westminster.

The following exchange took place:

Spargo: "'Ere, George, ‘sthat you over there lurkin’?"

George: "Oh hello, Mr Spargo, what a pleasant surprise -- I didn’t see you there!"

Spargo: "Call yerself Cornish? Whaddyou doin fer we up London? We wanna shut down the border and pack in all this London politickin' mullarkey. ‘Ome rule fer the whole of Cornwall, jes like we got now fer Relubbus -- th’s what we duh want."

George: "Mr Spargo, if you would just give me the chance to explain my position... I really am trying to do my best for the people of this region. I would be most grateful to have the chance of coming to Relubbus to address the council... "

Spargo: "I aren’t listening to any o’ this rubbish and I can tell ee something else too. Relubbus idden gonna pay any more subsidies to either London or Brussels. We are withdrawin’ all fundin' as of now."

George: "But Mr Spargo, the European Union will collapse and the London government cannot function without the generous subsidies Relubbus has been paying."

Spargo: "Old yer tongue, boy -- I ebben finished yet. Relubbus is removin' all its forces from NATO too!"

George: (After stoney silence) "Splutter... Cough... Cough! Please, Mr Spargo... are you joking?"

Spargo: "NO, I AREN’T!"

Whereupon, Mr Spargo turned on his heel and left without a further word -- leaving Mr George dazed and speechless.
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ROY ORBISON SPOTTED IN KWIKSAVE
As reported in the last edition of the Roundup, Roy Orbison, the famed American singer/songwriter who is seldom out of the Relubbus Top Ten, is planning a "comeback" world tour -- and he has chosen Relubbus as the venue for the UK leg of the tour. Indeed, Roy has been so impressed by the passion and loyalty of his Relubbus fans that he will play not one but two gigs in the city; and Relubbus will have the distinction of hosting the first and the last of the tour concerts.

Roy (shown above posing for surprised fans in Hayle Kwiksave last week), is currently paying his second visit to Relubbus in as many months, as he finalizes details of the tour.

Councillor Billy Spargo confirmed last night that, in a special deal arranged by himself, the Relubbus Methodist Hall had been booked for both gigs. To cater for the expected huge demand for tickets it was planned to bring in extra folding chairs from the WI, he said. Quizzed about ticket prices, Councillor Spargo said that they would "reflect the stellar nature of the talent on show and the huge logistical difficulties in bringing the "Big O" to Relubbus". "If people want tuh see 'un they'll 'ave tuh cough up!" he said.
Mozart -- alive and well and living in Marazion!
The international music world was set ablaze with wild excitement -- and near disbelief -- at the shock news that Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart -- formerly, but erroneously, believed to have died in 1791 -- is in fact alive and well and still at work in Marazion. Mr Mozart claims to have retired from the scorching glare of international superstar publicity and to have retired long ago for the peace, quiet and obscurity of rural life in 18th century Cornwall, since when he has continued to thrive in good health, living under the assumed name of Dickie Trembath.

The picture on the left shows Mr Mozart at the tender age of 21 and was, as Mr Trembath says, "taken" in 1777. "Photeegraphs wadden too good back in them days ", he maintains.

Mr Mozart was known as a musical child prodigy and is considered by many to have been one of the greatest ever composers of classical music -- and he displayed equal talents in performance. Mr Trembath, as he now likes to be called, comments "Es, I could knock up a good tune in them days!" Today he plays no other instrument than the spoons, but does so with astounding dexterity and with considerable accomplishment, a regular favourite being the Cornish song "Goin up Camborne ‘ill".

Mr Trembath has disappointed many of his German acolytes by his refusal to converse with them in German, leading some critics to conclude that his claim to be the musical maestro is false. Mr Trembath is quite affronted at such suggestions, maintaining with vigour that "anyone what do say that I aren’t Mozart is a bleddy liar and is goin to get ‘is face smashed in!"

Mr Trembath is pictured on the left playing a shortened version of his Symphony Number 40, which sounds curiously like "Trelawny".

Despite vicious claims that Mr Trembath is making this story up in order to improve his currently parlous financial circumstances, he maintains that all is true. The experts continue to investigate and the Roundup will continue to report!



Ponce escapes from Barncoose
It is reported that Relubbus ex-actress and male impersonator Diadora Ponce has absconded from the Barncoose Secure Home for Terminally Confused Ex-Actresses and Male Impersonators. Last month, Ponce convinced shoppers in Relubbus TESCO's that she was none other than Roy Orbison, the legendary American singer who died in 1988. (Reuters).
RELUBBUS TOP TEN July 2007

1. The Great Pretender The Platters
2. My Way Frank Sinatra
3. San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair) Scott MCKenzie
4. A Hard Day's Night Beatles
5. Brown-eyed 'Ansom Man Buddy Holly
6. Blue Bayou Roy Orbison
7. A Whiter Shade of Pale Procul Harum
8. Brand New Key Melanie
9. Dancing Queen Abba
10. In The Mood Glen Miller

HUSTLE'S REVENGE: defrocked Parish Council Chairman Returns To Terrorise Relubbus
By Court Correspondent John Willie Polkinghorne, at Relubbus Crown Court
As reported in an earlier edition of the Roundup, boy-racer Derek Hustle (63) was sacked as Chairman of Wellwhit Parish Council on the Isle of Wight, after being convicted of speeding at Relubbus Magistrates' Court.

In Relubbus Crown Court yesterday, the jury was told that Hustle was so incensed by this turn of events that he returned to Relubbus, intent on revenge. The prosecution alleged that his intention was to "spread fear and confusion among the population, by driving down the High Street at speeds in excess of 30 mph."

In evidence, P.C. Obed Carne said:

"'Ee wuz goin' down the 'igh Street even faster than las' time. I clocked 'un at 33 mph. 'Ee was wearin' one o' they 'ats with the peak at the back, drivin' one-'anded, an' makin' gestures an' shouting abuse out o' the window."

Hustle's solicitor said that this time he could offer little in the way of mitigation, adding that, in his opinion, Hustle was a "depraved character" and "a thoroughly bad man" who deserved to go down for a considerable period.

Mr Justice Bolitho-Baraganaweth evidently agreed, as he sentenced Hustle to serve a minimum of 15 years in Bodmin gaol. "The public must be protected", he said, "from renegade Parish Council Chairmen!"

Hustle was unrepentant as he was led away (disguised as a woman) to begin his sentence.

After the hearing, Hustle's wife, Lynne (28), said: "Derek has really done it this time. I stood by him last time, but I just can't bear the shame any more."

Mrs Hustle was led away in tears by Relubbus Council Chairman Billy Spargo, who had attended court to see justice done. As they left, he placed a comforting arm around her shoulder. It is understood that he is acting as Mrs Hustle's agent in negotiations with the Roundup for the rights to serialize the story of her tempestuous life with Hustle. Order the next Roundup now!

JOURNEY DOWN EMBASSY ROW
This week, the Roundup takes a peek at what is going on inside the Japanese Embassy in Relubbus.

At No.4 Pridden lane in Relubbus is the luxurious, rambling edifice that is the Japanese Embassy. Here, as the personal representative of the Emperor in Relubbus, is the Ambassador, His Excellency Xaibatsu Kotsuhiro, his charming wife, Michiko, and their little boy, Nagasaki.

Mr Kotsuhiro believes it is essential that the "Japanese" quality of the embassy and its inhabitants should be preserved, and consequently everyone must wear Japanese national dress at all times. Fish ‘n’ chips are not allowed more than once a week. However, the family does try to play a full part in local Cornish life.

Mrs Kotsuhiro has joined the Relubbus Young Farmers’ Women’s Club, in which she is known as ‘Kyoto Kate’, in order to protect Cornish palates from having to negotiate complex Japanese vowels. Little Nagasaki attends the local Cornish Nationalist Primary School, in which he is a regular playtime favourite as the Japanese soldier, and then prisoner, in the ever-popular war game "Get the Nip".

When he gets a spare moment from the permanently-taxing negotiations with the Greater Relubbus Urban Council’s Foreign Relations Committee (GRUCFRC), the Ambassador takes part in car maintenance evening classes in nearby Goldsithney. Mr Kotsuhiro, who does not speak English, comments "Gou ni itte wa, gou ni shitagae" . Zakky Rosewarne, Translator-in-Chief for the GRUCFRC, stated "it is s'posed to be something about ‘When in Rome, do as the Romans’, but I’m a bit worried by that last word, which has definitely got 'shit' in it".

Regardless of the formulation of words, it is clear from the nods of the head and the frequent smiles that the whole Kotsuhiro family, despite having no English, is making every effort to fit in. The only two words in English that the Kotsuhiros possess are "Proper Job", which goes down very well in Cornwall. However, alone amongst the Relubbus diplomatic community, the Kotsuhiros have made good attempts to master Cornish and can be heard chattering away in simple Cornish amongst themselves, politely enquiring after each other's health ("Fatla genes?"), and eagerly responding "Yn poynt da, meur rasta", and so on.

Loveday Jacka, of the Cornish for World Language Society (COWLS), believes that the support of the Japanese could be vital in securing the position of Cornish as the new UN-preferred global language. We shall see, but, for now, say "Sayonara" to the Kosuhiros.
LONELY HEARTS THAT YEARN FOR YOU!
Bamshad al akbar al St Erth (31) is a shy retiring man, now on the lookout for a wife. Bamshad is a member of an extreme Methodist community that has its headquarters in Tregeseal. He has a steady job at the Warrens Pasty factory in St Just, where he deploys his skills in crimping and egg-washing at the end of the production conveyor belt.

Bamshad is very fond of making souffles, at which he assures us he is a dab hand. He is a member of the Pendeen triangle quintet and is also the reigning conkers champion of West Penwith. A committed environmentalist, he has spent the last 10 years building his own house, which has been assembled entirely from beach pebbles and sheep dung.

Bamshad is looking for a woman who will appreciate his quiet, but manly, approach to life. He would especially like to meet someone who is seriously into home baking. If you think that you are Bamshad’s ideal girl, then Box 3047 is the one for you.

"Terry", as he likes to be called is not really from St Ives at all. In fact, he is from another dimension. He zapped into our world by mistake and has been trapped here ever since.

Since he arrived (in 1503) Terry has tried to fit into the local community as best he can. He claims to be 46,587 years old in Earth terms, but sadly in all that time (including 504 years on our planet) he has never had a relationship with a female (of any species).

Terry completely supports the Gordon Brown idea of an integrated Britain celebratory and inclusive of all its inhabitants (particularly him!). He has a good, regular job as a scarecrow on a farm near Nancledra and has built a hut on the top field there. To make his idyll complete, he needs -- at long last -- the love of a good Cornishwoman.

Terry plays the bazurmekkekek (an instrument from his home planet, which he was playing at the time he zapped in here). He assures us that the music is beautiful, but it is sadly inaudible to human ears.

Not able to speak, Terry is a fantastic telepath -- yes, it really works! Unfortunately, he possesses no genitalia, but hopes that this will prove no problem to a woman with a loving heart. If that is you, then Box 5629 is the one for you.

The Roundup does not discriminate against anyone on the grounds of race, religion, sexual orientation, or indeed on any basis. For this reason, we have not shrunk from accepting the following advert.

Madeleine and Tommy Roskilly of Treverven are in their late nineties and have been married since they were 18, never once straying from one another. Now growing conscious that the day when the Grim Reaper will call is stealing up on them, they have decided that they would like to "experiment".

They would like to meet a young Cornish couple who are both 18 -- like they once were- so that they can, in "swopsies", experience the physical passion and youthful vigour that was once theirs.

It would be helpful if one, or both, of the young couple were to have some medical experience.

As they have no bath or shower, Madeleine and Tommy would prefer to meet for their trysts at the other couple’s home, so that they could experience a bath or shower afterwards. Write to Box 3498 if you think that you meet the bill.

Parrasmus Pascoe (age unknown) is on the lookout for love. A night worker, he finds it difficult to meet and get to know young ladies.

Although he has taken a Cornish name, Parrasmus is not from these parts and speaks slowly and deliberately in an accent that would seem to hint at an East European origin. He enjoys the cold and abhors light. He does not talk much and seems to have no family. He does display some fondness towards the pet bats and rats that share his home.

Parrasmus is honest about his foul breath problem, but very cagey about just what it is that he does at night. He knows that he is something of a challenge, but believes that there must be many young women out there who would like a man that is different. Box 4561 is the one to go for.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!

THE SOUND OF MUSIC

starring JULIE ANDREWS, CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER, and RICHARD HAYDN


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.








YOUR STARS, with Japanese mystic Yamada Taro
We regret to have to report that, owing to unforeseen circumstances, the Swami Bhindra Conumdrum is unable to provide a horoscope this week -- or indeed ever again. In a curious and unfortunate co-incidence, while he was providing cover last week for Maurice Labalge, who had had a serious and completely unforeseen accident, he himself was accidentally injured -- fatally. Our thoughts are with the Swami’s family and friends.

However, we are pleased to announce that Mr Yamada Taro, a bric-a-brac salesman and fortune-teller from Tokyo, currently on holiday here in Newlyn and resident at the Tolcarne Inn, has very kindly stepped into the breach to provide us with forecasts, which he has produced with the aid of his Japanese/Engrish phrasebook!

Aries Banzai! How much dat cost, prease? I would rike to buy a pair of shoes. Dat bird have got no feathers. So sorry! Thank you!

Taurus Prease may I have one ice rorry? Toiret in my room do not frush properry. Also paper getting very row. I rike Cornish pasties very much -- they are dericious. Cor, take a rook at dat dorry bird!

Gemini Prease may I have new right burb. One in toiret not work proper. Banzai and so sorry!

Cancer Rittle seagurr just dropped pire of shit on shoulder -- dat mean very good ruck! You very rucky person.

Reo I know dat smoking not now good, but prease may I have one right for cigarette? Banzai! Your rady friend have nice knockers! You rucky man! Terevision not work in TV rounge -- dat not good.

Virgo Prease may I have one pint of rager? Orso rarge packet of peanuts. Thank you oh so much! Banzai! Ornamentar garden is beautiful and rook rovery with rirries! Remind me of gardens back hone in Nippon. Prease terr me where I can buy new pair of crean underpants? Banzai!

Ribra The rising sun bathe da whole worrd in rovery right! Dat wonderful! Banzai! Down at harbour, the ruggers set off for open sea to catch da fresh fish we rove so much arso in Nippon. As you might guess, I particurrary fond of nice piece of ring. Dat crock wrong! It not ereven o’ crock yet!

Scorpio Rittre ries can catch us out! Banzai! Prease may I have another srice of hogs pudding? It taste especiarry rovery! Where is pubric toiret, prease? I need to take a srash! Thank you for being so kind -- prease come see me in Nippon!
Sagittarius Prease, the erevator is broken and I get very right-headed on the stairs. May I say dat your wife got rearry nice regs! Wow! She what we call in Nippon a right rooker! Do you serve rice wine with the fish and chips?

Capricorn I would rike to go to the zoo to see the rions and erephants. Anteropes arso great favourite -- to eat as werr in Nippon! On Karaoke, may I sing "Ive got a rovery bunch of coconuts?" Banzai!

Aquarius Dey say dat it is better to have roved and rost dan never to have roved at all! Banzai! True dat! I rive arone in my shop. I hoping to meet rovery woman stir, who wirr rive wiv me and we rive rong rife togevver. Prease, may I have another rager with rice wine chaser prease? Dis rager broody good!

Pisces The rast is the best! Banzai! Make dat another rager with rice wine prease! It just srips down the throat. I am getting werr oired, as you say in Engrish! I fink dat Cornwarr is rovery prace. I want marry rovery Cornish girr and she come back in Tokyo wive me -- rive in shop! Banzai ! Sor sorry One more rager prease!

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• SPARGO SAYS PAKISTAN EMBASSY "TOO BIG": Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner reports.

• EXCLUSIVE: identity of royal con-man revealed! Society Correspondent Rendell Janner reports.

• Mousehole Girls Do Us Proud: Arts Correspondent Rendell Janner reviews the controversial new nude production of South Pacific.

• PC Trembath in trouble again! Crime Correspondent Rendell Janner takes a look at the unorthodox methods of Relubbus's maverick crime-buster!

• Up Chapel: our Religious Affairs Correspondent, Ayatollah Osama Bin Trezidder, reports on the latest Methodist jihad.

• Down Pendrawartha's: Senior Citizen Correspondent Rendall Janner visits Pendrawartha's Home for the Elderly.

• Over 'Arry's: Crime Correspondent Rendell Janner reports on the chipshop war!
  

• In School: Education Correspondent Rendell Janner investigates the unusual methods of controversial headmaster James Bovenna.

• Inside the Indian Embassy: Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner continues his series on the Relubbus diplomatic community.

• Poetry Corner: Literary Editor Emily Bindweed discovers the source of boy-phenomenon Philip Trudgeon's talent.
  

• 'Oos dead? Our ever-popular Obituaries section.
  

• And much, much more!

Issue 6, 2nd July 2007

BUSH AND PUTIN TO LIVE TOGETHER IN RELUBBUS!

The diplomatic world was stunned yesterday by simultaneous announcements from the Kremlin and the White House that Putin and Bush are seeking to set up home together in Relubbus.

It would seem that occasional one-to-one meetings between the two have led to the chance discovery that they have more in common with one another than they could ever have suspected. This process of mutual discovery has been assisted by the involvement of Relubbus-based diplomat and amateur conductor Horton Nance, of whom more later.

Both men are married, but neither regards this as a serious obstacle to following their hearts’ desire: to live together -- in Relubbus.

Penhaligon’s Estate Agents have been commissioned to find the unlikely couple a hideaway in the environs of Relubbus, which has long been known for its easy tolerance of unusual liaisons. Relubbus is also the home of Horton Nance, who since his 8 year fling with closet African queen, Robert Mugabe, back in the sixties, has had a string of relationships with international leaders.

Nance (93), pictured on the left rehearsing for his next performance at St Johns Hall with the Nancledra Philharmonic, would not be drawn as Roundup reporters quizzed him on his role in this affair.

Despite the fact that the only picture of the couple in Relubbus shows them wearing Nance-designed dressing gowns, the tight-lipped conductor of international affairs simply refused to comment.

The Roundup tried to contact Councillor Billy Spargo, of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council for a comment. However, according to his housekeeper he was unavailable, having "gone up Pendeen to see ‘is Enty, oo’ve bin took bad."


SUGAR "HOPPING MAD" AS RC OATS SURGES AHEAD IN TV RATINGS!

Sir Alan Sugar (left) was described as "hopping mad" after seeing the "The Apprentice" leapfrogged in the ratings by the brand-new Relubbus TV programme "Wanna get on, do ee?", which stars Relubbus entrepreneur RC Oats, who is estimated to have amassed a personal fortune of more than £1,200 over the past 35 years in his Relubbus grocery business.

Oats (known to locals simply as "RC", or "Arsey", depending on how well he is liked by the local in question) has 9 Cornish likelies, who are vying with one another to be his apprentice and thereby win a weekly two figure wage, with 5% off store goods thrown into the bargain.

Oats says of the programme "I kent believe my luck. I got these nine kids workin' 'ere fer nuthin and you can’t get cheaper than that, can ee?"

RC Oats (pictured left) is often portrayed by The Economist, the Western Morning News and the Cornishman as the perfect example of a capitalist success story.

Putting aside the recent News of the World revelations about the nature of Mr Oats’ relationship with his pet ducks, the press have had nothing but good news to report on this one-man economic phenomenon. Oats’ grocery store in Relubbus has, after only 30 years, enjoyed such a run of success that he has been able to open up another store in nearby Ludgvan -- and there is now even talk that he might be opening a third store in Crowlas.

He says, " I got they kids doin' all the jobs I can think of and till this programme is over I don’t have to pay any of ‘em. I tell ee -- it’s a proper job and no mistake!"

The contestants aren’t complaining, as their smiling faces show. From the left are Davey Vinicombe (21) from Rosudgeon, Caleb Tiddy (23) from Trevorgans, Janner "Shorty" Polkinghorne (35) from Penberth, Lydia Rodda (22) from Nantewas, Jimmy Woolcock (24) from Boskenna, Pascoe Ellis (sitting), 29, from Tregiffian, Billy Spargo (31) from Penmennor, with arm round "partner" Jimmy Carkeek (25) from Treave, and Jim Vingoe (26) from Silena.
CAMILLA LOSES IT!

As revealed in the last edition of the Roundup, "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall" (shown left), is actually Lily Nichols, an ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, who has succeeded in convincing large sections of the English media that she is an aristocrat.

Always eager to report on successful Cornish entrepreneurs, the Roundup caught up with Lily as she was taking the salute at a passing-out parade at Sandhurst. It was a sunny, breezy morning, and Lily looked every inch the part in an expensively-cut, resplendent black costume and large matching hat.

Her act was going well until, suddenly, a rogue gust of wind blew off her hat. Taken by surprise, Lily momentarily lost her cool. She was distinctly heard to say "Bleddy wind! 'Is like bein' up bleddy Trencrom in a force 9!"

"Camilla"'s aides looked at each other in astonishment: they had never heard such language, in such an accent, issue from her lips. Moments later, however, Lily, the consumate professional, had regained her composure, and all was well.
LOOK OUT, BRANSON -- HERE COMES A CORNISHMAN!
Story by Janner Batten and Picture by Hummy Williams

People from all over Relubbus gathered to see the amazing sight of Douglas Chadder’s attempted balloon flight around the world. Dougie, whose head can be seen emerging from the entrance to the balloon during the pre-flight test, announced with characteristic bravado "I aren’t gonna be beat by they up-country big mouths. Bleddy Branson do think ee’s some smart with is fancy balloon, but ee ebn seen nothin' yet. I’m gonna overtake ee, you see if I don’t."

Unfortunately, Mr Chadder’s attempt at global circumnavigation was thwarted when, failing to gain sufficient height after leaving Relubbus, his basket collided with Billy Peniluna’s amateur radio tower at Marazion. Dismissing this setback as "teething problems" and nursing his bruises, Mr Chadder, undaunted, is already planning his next trip.





Going on holiday? Then go with a Trenwith Caravan! These hand-crafted motor homes all come equipped with a window and lockable door! You can fill it with camp beds, chairs, or whatever you wish, to make that dream holiday an unforgettable experience. The cost is a mere snip at £8,750. For an extra £1,400, a water tank can be fitted and a bucket with chemicals supplied. Yes, we think of everything!! TRENWITH OF RELUBBUS.
ROY ORBISON SPOTTED IN TESCO
By Arts and Entertainment Correspondent Pimble Chicken

The Roundup has received several independent reports, from unimpeachable sources, that the legendary American singer-songwriter, Roy Orbison, was sighted in Relubbus Tesco's last Wednesday. Apparently, Roy, pictured left, is on an unpublicised visit to the UK, during which he is assessing possible venues for a future world tour. Relubbus, it seems, is high on his list.

The popular singer, who is rarely out of the Relubbus Top Ten, was happy to chat with surprised fans who were lucky enough to be in Tesco's that day.

A passing English tourist almost spoilt the party when he asserted that Roy Orbison had died in 1988. This claim produced screams of outrage and horror from the singer's loyal fans, and the unfortunate man was lucky to escape with his life. As he fled, he shouted back over his shoulder "It's a woman in a wig and dark glasses, it's obvious!"

In an unrelated incident on the same day, Relubbus ex-actress and male impersonator Diadora Ponce was forcibly committed to the Barncoose Secure Home for Terminally Confused Ex-Actresses and Male Impersonators.
RELUBBUS TOP TEN June 2007

1. Old Shep Elvis Presley
2. Brown-eyed 'Ansom Man Buddy Holly
3. Only the Lonely Roy Orbison
4. You Never Can Tell Chuck Berry
5. Waterloo Abba
6. Pretty Flamingo Manfred Mann
7. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band Beatles
8. This Is My Song Petula Clarke
9. A Whiter Shade of Pale Procul Harum
10. San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair) Scott MCKenzie
    

Inside the Tibetan Embassy in Relubbus

Continuing our journey around the different foreign embassies in Relubbus, we now take a peek behind the mysterious curtains of the Free Tibetan Embassy. In the centre of the picture on the left, we can clearly see the most illusive face of Mr Lobsang Norbu, here giving us a gracious smile. Mr Norbu hardly ever leaves the embassy compound except under cover of darkness and with a bathtowel over his head. Understandably self-conscious about his unusual looks, Mr Norbu has only once been seen in Tesco’s at Penzance and that was for a fleeting visit to the cash machine.

Saturday evenings at the Tibetan embassy are spent in appreciation of the aged practice of "throat-singing" to the accompaniment of the Piwang (Tibetan violin), here played by Techung Rabsel Takeaway. On the left of the picture -- enthusiastically joining in the throat singing for all she is worth - is Mr Norbu’s wife, the very charming Gonpo.

Gonpo has taken to life in Cornwall with great enthusiasm. She is often seen in the fields around Relubbus, armed with her bow and arrow, out hunting rabbits, whilst practising her throat-singing routines. She is also quite keen on Bingo and the ambassadorial car has often been seen dropping her off outside the Ritz in Penzance.

Free Tibet places great value on its relationship with Relubbus, seeing within it a formidable counterbalance to the growing economic and military might of China.

The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has yet to send anyone on diplomatic service abroad. Councillor Billy Spargo today stated "If we duh send anyone out to foreign parts, them lamas will be first on the list!"
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!

THE BATTLE OF THE RIVER PLATE

starring JOHN GREGSON, ANTHONY QUAYLE, and PETER FINCH


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.






Parmenus Jelbart speaks out!

Parmenus Jelbart has been following the Roundup’s occasional articles on the subject of gay rights and, as chairman of the Tregeseal "I Aren’t Queer Society" (IAQS) believes that he has a balanced contribution to make.

Parmenus (pictured left) believes in a productive debate, which takes full account of the opinion of all sides and which seeks to promote a society in which diversity can prosper.

He completely opposes rank homophobia and is a stern advocate of dialogue to advance mutual understanding. In his role of Chairman of the IAQS, he has worked tirelessly to promote better understanding of homosexuality within Tregeseal -- and indeed within St Just as a whole.

As he puts it himself so succinctly, " You kent jes ‘it someone cuz they’re queer. That id’n politically correct, as we duh call it. You gotta talk to un first so they understand jes why they’re gonna get a clout before you can let em ‘ave it."

Parmenus has been nominated for a Diversity Award to be given by the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

Parmenus is also a member of the St Just String Quartet and an enthusiastic member of the St Just New Testament Greek study group.
Swami Bhindra Conumdrum foretells all!

The Roundup’s resident astrologer, the Breton mystic Maurice Labalge, is in hospital following a recent serious and unforeseen accident. The Roundup wishes him well and welcomes the well-known Indian mystic Swami Conumdrum, who, happily but unexpectedly, has stepped in at short notice.

He is the mystic who knows our tomorrows, whose counsel will reduce all our sorrows!
Aries
This month is absolutely tophole for all people born under the sign of the Rum. You always like it things done jaldi jaldi and this month everything is dhotily jaldi. Be wary of a dark man with a curved sword and sign of snake on his arm. Avoid the St Just Kwop this week.

Taurus
Oh! oh! oh! Oh, oh,oh! I am deeply concerned on seeing what is befalling you this month. Do not despair. It is possible that a cure will be found within the next ten years. Until then try to avoid passing any naked flames. Looking on bright side, your venereal disease will completely clear up, leaving just small scars.

Gemini
What an amazing luck is it you have! In your garden in your rear, it is being found great quantities of oil. You have great jollity about this tophole outcome and are naturally desirous to share your good fortune with me as the harbinger of such gladly tidings for you and your widowed mother, who is nearly 90. I do accept cash.

Cancer
Showers of shavings of sandalwood descend from skies upon your head, enveloping you in the heady and intense perfume from that most wondrous tree. This is most necessary as your body odour is beginning to win you unwelcome attention. You should not be so proud of your strong smell. It not manly, only unpleasant. Perhaps goats might find it interesting -- maybe this is what you want. For now, I have saved you with sandalwood.

Leo
Jitnee Lambi Chadar ho Utna hee pair failana Chahina! This mean you should stretch your legs only till the size of your counterpane. You are overspending and you need to save money. Too many chapattis, too much meat -- all this is very bad. I can look after your money for you and give you small cash when you need.

Virgo
Door ke dhol suhavane lagte hain! Put her out of your mind -- she is out of reach for poor man like you. It is not good you think of her when you married with three children. Tighten belt and not be thinking such things.

Libra
You will have strong dreams about it you become ladies hairdresser in Ludgvan. This powerful thought will not let go, although unwise to specialise in coiffures for bald ladies, who will not like the polish idea. This idea good for men, but you should open business in Newlyn for this.

Scorpio
Mrs Hollis comes to offer you some good advice and you will be doing it well to listen it from her. She has strong breath and sound liver. It might be good idea to have sexual relationship with her.

Sagittarius
Sawan ke andhe ko sab hara hi hara nazar aatar hai! Wake up, you must see reality! You have lost your shop, your wife has walked out on you. Your paid lover will not perform for nothing. Your pet monkey has died and the Pendeen bus does not stop outside your house any more! You must pull it yourself together.

Capricorn
This week will see you receive tophole news about receiving many lakhs of rupees very jaldi indeed. You will be mega rich and can now embark on the film career you have always dreamed of, despite your advanced years. So on Monday, go into work, chuck in the job, go home and wait for the money to pile in.

Aquarius
For people under this star sign, this week is unusual in that nothing much happens. Everyone must sometimes have quiet time and this will be a one such time for you. Take full advantage because next week your whole world will be thrown upside down by the sudden death of your loved one. This is a terrible blow from which you will never recover, unless you pay for my help.

Pisces
It is not being good idea to wash feet before going in field! This is sign of silly person. Man Pisces must stop doing this and stop picking nose. Vooman Pisces must stop chatting and chatting too much till I get bad head-ache. This is not tophole. Dhotily good things lie ahead in future but too distant for I see it yet. However cash money to me can help intensify image and make it easy for me to say it this future.
Lonely Hearts
The Roundup is proud to have the opportunity of bringing together those in search of true love and happiness.

From an old-established family of Waziristan exiles living in Paul for the past 150 years, Abdul al Qazir al Gwavas is a young man looking for love. A shy 32-year-old painter and decorator by trade, Abdul has regrettably found that his appearance can be off-putting to the young ladies of Paul and its environs, but he is determined to buck the family trend of sending back to Waziristan for a wife and instead is looking for a local Muslim woman of good Cornish stock.

Abdul’s interests are playing the xylophone, the Sun crossword and breeding frogs and toads. He has also been runner-up for the last 13 years in the Mousehole marbles championship. Abdul is keen that interested young women should understand that he will require them to stay covered up all the time -- even in his presence and especially in the shower or bath -- even after marriage. On the plus side, this means that he has no preference as to looks as he will never see his wife. This is clearly an opportunity for the plug-ugly, so get writing to Box 4562.

Rosezina Cock, 26, of Landrivick Road, Pendeen is a sweet retiring maiden, who seeks a man with a good heart. Pictured here with her imaginary dog, Griffles, Rosezina leads a quiet life with her widowed mother, Kitty.

Rosezina has a part-time job at a nearby dairy farm, but her income is supplemented by state benefits. A firm believer in the virtues of telepathy as opposed to actual speech, she has not spoken since the age of 7, preferring instead to growl with meaning.

At her Gunwalloe boarding school for children with profound learning difficulties, she has picked up some writing skills and is in the habit of leaving notes for those who can’t pick up the telepathy or understand the growls. She is very fond of Fry’s Turkish Delight, fried breakfasts (though she can’t cook yet), the Shipping Forecast, and Emmerdale. She enjoys Blow Football. Box 5698

Simon Retallack (17), a wooden ventriloquist’s dummy from Crows an Wra, has grown tired of spending nights alone in a suitcase. He would like to meet a female wooden artefact or vent’s dummy, if there is one in the West Penwith area, for what he describes as "funsome fwolics after a few gottles". Simon does not discriminate and would be happy to meet human females, as well as dummies, provided that they are not fat or ugly and don’t mind the suitcase. Box 3481

Ambrose Pollard is a 51 year old single man looking to connect. A teacher by profession, Ambrose is deeply conscious of his professional duties and always wears his mortar board to keep a visible reminder before others and himself of his role in society. He is in charge of the reception class at Ludgvan Primary School. His hobbies are his train set, his mouth organ, and his 23 whippet dogs, who share his home with him at present.

Ambrose has no experience with the opposite sex and also assures us that he has had no experience with the same sex. He is deeply defensive about the nature of his relationship with his dogs, but says "I do love them all, bless them!".

Believing that now is the time to deepen his social interaction with non-canines, Ambrose waits to hear from you at Box 2381.

SPORTS NEWS

VICKERY SACKED BY RELUBBUS RFC!

Former England captain Phil Vickery has been sacked by Relubbus RFC -- only weeks after joining the club from London Wasps!

As reported in this organ a few weeks back, the World Cup-winner was recruited to boost Relubbus's ambitious plans to progress from Cornwall League 2, in which they currently play, to European Cup winners within five years.

Besides recruiting Vickery, and many more star names, multi-millionaire backer Dicky Penwallet has upgraded the Relubbus stadium to Premiership standards, with a new stand that can hold upwards of 30 people, and a state-of-the-art floodlight powered by a wind turbine on Treluglas moor. Yesterday Penwallet was tight-lipped, saying only that Vickery had left the club "on amicable terms".

The incumbent of the tighthead prop position before Vickery arrived, Joe Tregeagle (48), is expected to regain his place in the team. The 4 foot 11, 7 stone veteran said: "We 'ad a pre-season friendly with Roseland. When Vickery saw that git Roseland pack 'ee went pale and wet 'isself. Five minutes later 'eed 'ad all 'ee cud 'andle."

The "Raging Bull" was unavailable for comment yesterday.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• WAR LOOMS: SITUATION TENSE ON HAYLE BORDER

• POLITICAL SCOOP: GEORGE AND SPARGO IN SLANGING MATCH!
  

• Mozart alive and well -- and living in Relubbus!

• Roy Orbison spotted in KWIKSAVE!
  

• A visit to the Japanese Embassy in Relubbus

• Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts column
  

• YOUR STARS, with Japanese mystic Yamada Taro
  

• And much, much more!