Just think! Your perfect partner could be living within 5 miles of your home. How do you find them? You come to Friends or More, founded over 3 and half weeks ago by Agnes Pengelly. Then you will meet special folk like these, who would just love to meet you.
Women seeking men
Maggie Ladner (38) used to make a living by being exhibited as the fattest woman in Crowlas, weighing in at an amazing 54 stone. However, when the wall of her house had to be demolished so that she could get out to attend her mother’s funeral, she decided to take matters in hand and lose a little bit of weight.
After six weeks hard dieting, she is now down to a trim 18 and a half stone. She celebrated with her first drink of water. With just over 80% of the fat folds now surgically removed, she feels, at long last, ready to meet and take on the male world. Having shed the fat, she is now jobless and would like to find a man with his own business such as fish and chip shop, airline or shipping company so that she can share his work life as well as his bed.
Belinda Hicks (36) is a traffic warden from Carnyorth. She is single and desperate to meet a man to have children before the time clock runs out. She has freckles and flat feet, but is not yet (quite) clinically obese. Sunny disposition and loves Kettle Crisps dipped in a mixture of Bovril and Salad cream. Needs to meet a man, who won’t mind baldness. Phone Belinda on Hayle 67456.
Avril Behenna (26) is a cuddly funeral home receptionist with one eye (but guess which one is made of glass!!?!!)from Camborne, who would like to meet the man of her dreams: He is over 5 ft 6 ins tall, has a well preserved Ford Anglia, knows a bit about DIY (but will still need me, if you know what I mean!!) has only occasionally visited prostitutes and knows how to take proper care of budgies (I have thirty!). I can offer a mean ‘beans on toast’ as well as …well you come and find out. Phone Avril on Halsetown 561.
Trish Acne (67) is a retired bookkeeper from Sancreed. She has lived a quiet life at home with mother, who has just passed on at the age of 93. ‘I was always brought up to save myself for the right man – now mother’s gone, I can look for him. Are you he?’ Ideally seeking man of Congregationalist background (former Boy’s Brigade?, perhaps, but not homosexual). Keywords for me are ‘warm underwear’, ‘cocoa’, ‘slugs’ and ‘droppings’. Is this you?? Phone Trish on Sancreed 423.
Chris Myfanwy Fanny (45) is a teacher of Religious Knowledge and Halsetown’s champion knitter (1982). She seeks an understanding male who will not be put off by her unusual bladder difficulties. ‘I am happy to meet a man who is seriously overweight, as I am myself a size 32’. Up for all sexual adventures not involving difficult positions, unless you have ‘one o’ they special cranes’. Phone Chris on Crowlas 510.
Men seeking women
Barry Penrose (19) is a trainee telegraphist for the recently opened Morvah Telephony Company, which provides virtually instantaneous communications between Morvah and other communications hubs, such as Relubbus, Penzance, Mevagissey, Windsor (CA), Elmshorn (Germany) and Ulan Bator. Barry is the 2006 tiddlywinks champion at the Gulval branch of the YMCA (Young Maladjusted and Criminally Antisocial).
A fervent advocate of Kernewek Kemmyn, Barry believes that if we all use ‘K’s instead of ‘C’s, we can’t go wrong in life. He has no interest in girls yet, but, following an embarrassing string of ‘accidents’ in his bed at night (which he doesn’t understand), his Mum has ordered him to ‘get a girlfriend’. Interested young ladies (hopefully also members of High Street Methodist Church choir) are invited to ‘phone Mrs Penrose between 7.30 pm and 8.00pm on 01736 364901 (No scrubbers!)
Denzil Trevains, (26) a body washer (4th class, but hoping for promotion), constructs wooden Ipods in his spare time and is also a trombonist in the Pendeen Silver band. He seeks an understanding matron to help him with his flagellant condition. Denzil needs to be beaten every day and if you will wear sandals and paint your toenails pink, he will not mind what you look like or what sex you are. ‘Phone Denzil at the Botallack Mortuary, extension 3.
Craig Wakfer (49) is an almost reformed chicken-botherer (he preferred to use the term ‘coop-fan’, whilst defending himself in court) from Heamoor, who thinks no one should take his ‘condition’ seriously. Arrested four years ago for his pursuit of an innocent (in the opinion of the owner) Cornish game hen called ‘Clucky’, Craig now dismisses Clucky ‘as nothing but a bleddy cocktease!’. Craig has now turned his back on the chicken coop and is looking firmly towards the world of women for his next sexual adventures.
Ask for Craig at HMP Boscathnoe. He is due for release in 6 weeks, when he expects that he will no longer require the oxygen supply he now uses to avoid breathing in the noxious fumes emanating from the weeping pustules in his groin area.
Others seeking Others
Chris (surname withheld) is a lonesome toilet repair operative (30s) without any experience beyond vigorous self-manipulation. He has always wondered what ‘it’ would be like. ‘Chris’ says only that Chris lives ‘west of Truro’ and lives alone ‘without comforts’.
Chris has never – ever – seriously harmed anyone on purpose, so you needn’t worry on that score! If you, like Chris, are seriously turned on by particular canine odours, then phone 01736 3654192 (a public ‘phone box) between 6.30 pm and 6.35 pm any weekday evening and Chris will pick up with his ‘good hand’.
FRIENDS OR MORE
BERNERS-LEE ENDORSES THE ROUNDUP
The Relubbus Roundup is proud to announce that Sir Tim Berners-Lee (left), widely acknowledged as the "father" of the World Wide Web, has praised this organ as a source of truthful, verified, unbiased, and objective news.
Sir Tim has frequently highlighted the spread of false or misleading information on the internet as a danger that could irretrievably damage the usefulness of the Web as an information tool.
He deplores the way in which the web -- which started out as a fundamentally democratic phenomenon and a medium for academic debate -- has, in recent years, come to be dominated by governments and corporate interests, each with its own political or commercial axe to grind.
As examples of the ways in which the web's credibility has been damaged, he cites the rise of promotional sites that masquerade as impartial sources of advice, search engines where the results are skewed by the marketing dollar, sites that promote Creationism as scientific fact, government "information" sites that disseminate misinformation, and search engines that block politically-inconvenient sites at the behest of governments.
"In our fallen online paradise," says Berners-Lee, "the Roundup shines out like a beacon of probity in a naughty world. When you read the Roundup, you can be confident that you are being told the Truth. Facts are checked and double-checked. Political comment is balanced, informed, and measured. I commend the Roundup to serious thinkers everywhere!"
OLYMPIC HERO IN DRUGS AND SEX SCANDAL!
Olympic gold medal hero Ned ‘Pasties ‘ Nudd (14), so recently lionised as the winner of the ‘Floating’ competition at the Beijing Olympics, is at the centre of a sensational drugs-and-sex scandal that threatens to cut short his brief but spectacular career (writes undercover investigative correspondent Dave Seedy).
Only weeks after being idolised by the vast crowds lining Boswedden Lane during the victorious Relubbus Olympic team's open-top bus tour of the city, Nudd has been caught in flagrante with an Atlantic grey seal, a bottle-nosed dolphin, a porbeagle, and a basking shark in the Olympic-sized swimming pool at the home of Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) leader Billy Spargo. It is not known whether Mr Spargo was present at the time, and he was not available for comment yesterday.
According to shocked eye-witnesses, a kind of "feeding frenzy" seemed to be taking place in the pool. Nudd, who consumes 400 pasties a day in training and cannot stand unaided, was at the centre of the frenzy, but a vast amount of fish was consumed by all the participants.
"'Zobvious t' me, they wuz all on drugs", said Mr Spargo's gardener, Bednego Tonkin.
There have also been allegations of inappropriate sexual activity involving Nudd, the seal and the dolphin, though the Roundup cannot substantiate the truth of this. Worse still for Nudd's reputation, the dolphin is apparently a male animal and the seal may be under-age! It is said to have "absconded" from the Children's Touch Pool at the Mevagissey Sea Life Centre on Sunday.
The Relubbus Olympic Committee meet on Wednesday to decide which of its rules, if any, Nudd has broken, and what action to take against him. The Roundup will keep you posted, but at the moment it looks as if Nudd's meteoric athletic career could be over.
ROMANTIC RELUBBUS
Women seeking Men
Female Traffic Warden (36), single and desperate to meet man to have children before time clock runs out. Freckles and flat feet, but not yet (quite) clinically obese. Sunny disposition and loves Kettle Crisps. Needs to meet a man who won’t mind the smell. Phone Belinda Hicks on Hayle 67456.
Cuddly Funeral Home Receptionist with one eye (the other is lovingly carved by her father from Helford Passage Oak) (26) from Camborne would like to meet man of her dreams: he is over 5 ft 6 ins tall, has a well preserved Ford Anglia, knows a bit about DIY (but will still need me, if you know what I mean!) has only occasionally visited prostitutes and knows how to take proper care of budgies (I have thirty!). I can offer a mean "beans on toast", as well as… well, you come and find out. Phone Avril Behenna on Halsetown 561.
Retired bookkeeper from Botallack (67), has lived quiet life at home with mother, who has just passed on at the age of 93. Was always brought up to save myself for the right man – "Now mother’s gone, I can look for him. Are you he?". Ideally seeking man of Congregationalist background (former Boys' Brigade?, perhaps, but not homo-so-exual). Keywords for me are "warm underwear", "cocoa", "slugs", and "droppings". Is this you? Phone Trish Acne on Sancreed 423.
Teacher of Religious Knowledge and Halsetown’s champion knitter (1982) seeks understanding male who will not be put off by bladder difficulties. I am happy to meet a man who is seriously overweight, as I am myself a size 32. Up for all sexual adventures not involving difficult positions, unless you have one o’ they special cranes. Phone Chris Myfanwy Fanny on Crowlas 510.
Men seeking women
Kolin Klemo (32), a Kernewek Kemmyn aficionado, currently works at a fish and chip shop in Hayle, but firmly believes that he is cut out for mega-earnings in Asian equity sales, when securities become big in either Hayle or Lelant. He firmly expects to be trading in his Reliant Robin (no engine or wheels) for a Maserati in the near future.
If you are a local girl (preferably a real goer like Linda Penrose) who fancies the Maserati life, then please join the queue outside Highlane Fish and Chips, Hayle, at 9.30 pm next Tuesday, when Kolin will be interviewing, weather permitting.
Denzil Trevains (26), a constructor of wooden Ipods and trombonist in the Pendeen Silver band, seeks understanding matron to help him with his flagellant condition. Denzil needs to be beaten every day and, if you will wear sandals and paint your toenails pink, he will not mind what you look like or what sex you are. Phone Denzil at the Mortuary, extension 3. 
Celebrity note: Denzil is a nephew of legendary West Penwith busker, the late (and scarcely-lamented) "Banjo" Trevains.
Craig Wakfer (29) is an almost reformed chicken-botherer (he prefers the term "coop-fan") from Heamoor, who thinks no one should take his "condition" seriously. Arrested four years ago for his pursuit of an innocent (in the opinion of the owner) Cornish game hen called Clucky, Craig now dismisses Clucky as "nothing but a bleddy cocktease!".Craig has now turned his back on the chicken coop and is looking firmly towards the world of women for his next sexual adventures. Ask for Craig at HMP Boscathnoe. He is due for release in 6 weeks.
Others seeking Others
Lonesome Toilet Repair Operative (30s) without any experience beyond self-manipulation wonders what "it" would be like. "Chris" says only that he lives "west of Truro" and alone "without comforts". Chris has never – ever – seriously harmed anyone on purpose, so you needn’t worry on that score! If you, like Chris, are seriously turned on by smells, then phone 01736 365419 (a public phone box) between 6.30 pm and 6.35 pm any weekday evening.BARGAIN CORNER
Eco-friendly wind-up fridge. Can hold half pound of butter and one pint of milk!! Requires only 36 revolutions a minute to keep contents at a constant cool 18 degrees. £545. Call Ernie Rescorla on St Just 872.
One Wellington Boot size 8 left foot, 17 years old, but NO holes! £21. Interested should write enclosing £2.50 reservation and administration fee to D. Dungey, No.4 Boswergy Caravan Park.
Nine sticks of rhubarb (last year’s crop) 47 pence (£45, if delivered). Call Roy on his mobile, 07789 654230.
Paraffin-powered Kiddies night light only £6. Ask for Christine in Penzance Lower Kwop.
Ladies hob-nailed boots, left foot size 5 and right foot size 10 (with "LTregonning" cut into leather). Will suit lady called L Tregonning with appropriately-sized feet. £9. Enquiries to Hazel at Tregenza’s fruiterers in Penzance.
Elderly lady’s underwear (large) Complete set as she has no further need of them. Recently washed and no stains, £37. Apply at Pendrea Home for the Aged.
Gent’s toothbrush, still with some bristles left in the middle, 49 pence. Ask for Denis in the kitchens at the Queens Hotel, Penzance.
One pair of Lady’s Incontinence knickers (new elastic fitted and padding partly renewed!) only 25 pence. Speak to Sylvia Trenwith (when sober only!!) at the Dolphin Inn, Newlyn.
35 cotton buds for ear-cleaning. Only used twice and well-wiped, 25 pence. Apply to the Rev Obadiah Polkinghorne at Marazion Methodist Chapel any Sunday.
Man’s woollen bathing costume in faded purple, patched up (except for fart hole) and fitted with new piece of string. Good for, at least, four more swims. Only 72 pence. Apply to Denzil Rosewarne at Porthmeor Beach, St Ives, who sells Saffron Buns and Kernewek Kemmyn crosswords.
PERSONAL SERVICES FOR THE DISCERNING USER
Depilation the Easy Way
You've given creams a go – and they don’t work.
You've obviously tried shaving, but that is short-lived and bloody.
So now you are looking for the new fail-safe way. And now you need look no further – you will find your answers in Crows-an-wra!!
So come to Crows and Wra Body Torching for that Bunsen Burner treatment that WILL leave you hairless.
A single session with Sandra will cost you only £39.
Weight Loss – achieve it, without effort, at: Buryas Bridge Body Slicing
It is the new technique that helps you lose pounds (or stones) in seconds.
Dickie Addicoat is ready to help you by slicing off unwanted parts (and weight!!) in just seconds!!Dickie likes to think of himself as a skilled ‘body sculptor’, who can transform your looks.
A two minute (the maximum) session with Dickie will cost you just £95.
Please note that clients must supply their own sticky plasters!!
Spiritual Telegraphs!!
We pass on those last words you forgot to say!Everyone wishes that they had said some one last thing to their dearly beloved, before they departed. Once the moment has past, the opportunity has gone – forever! Or has it?
No! It hasn’t, you can speak to your loved ones who have passed on!
For a fee of only £42 per word, you can pass on messages to your dear departed with
Constipation Clearance with High Pressure Hosing!
Also effective with Ear Wax, Alzheimers and Homosexuality!!**
Dougie Blewitt is all kitted up and standing ready to help you with whatever ailment you might have.His cleansing blast will remove all traces of ear wax for good. It is also known to have beneficial effects in the treatment of Alzheimer’s - it does get their attention!
Also, when the power is turned on full, Dougie is convinced that it will ‘cure’ homosexuality, halitosis, and other ailments beginning with 'h'.
5 (Five) minutes with Dougie cost an amazingly little £445!!!!
** As recommended by Cornish Conservative County Councillor Graham Facks-Martin!!!!
Professor Parry’s Counselling for the Confused!!
As a formerly very confused person himself, Professor Parry is well placed to help those amongst us, who have – for whatever reasons – become ’confused’.
Here follows a quick confusion test:
1
. Have you ever voted ‘Tory’? (Don’t be ashamed – it happens!)2. Have you ever been caught with a part of yourself inserted into an animal of any sort?
3. Regardless of the ‘happy state’ of the animal, is there a picture?
4. Have you killed anyone yet?
5. If not, would your weapon of choice be a bomb, a knife, or a bludgeon?
If you have scored four ‘yes’ s and a bludgeon, then Professor Parry is your man!!
He is to be found at the Long Rock Station carriages between 9.10 and 9,40 on Tuesday mornings. Knock twice, as he's usually involved with his favourite Lemur, Albert.
“Recovery’ sessions with Professor Parry can cost as little as £5,000 per 10 minute session!!
