Celebrated Newlyn violinist and inventor, Tamsin Oleander Pengelly-Saunders (29), who likes to be known as TOPS, is required to appear before magistrates in Relubbus on a string of charges including causing actual bodily harm.
Not content with her musical career, which has taken her right round West Penwith -- and even for a whole season to the famed Relubbus Hippodrome, which will have netted her a tidy sum adjacent to at least £594 -- she has also been spending time at her Gurnards Head “Small Man Surgery”.
She has invented – and patented – a steam powered ‘developer’, which she claims will help challenged gentlemen “to grow significantly in areas in which significant growth will be appreciated”. Having conducted extensive testing with mice - one of which survived, she came up with 'the answer'.
The evil device in question is pictured on the left.
Her first client, Rodney Clemo (42) of 18 Colinsey Road in Penzance, had grown tired of the relentless belittling he had been subjected to at school and in his job, where, as a fireman, he was required to take showers with other men. He had acquired the nickname “microscope” and had grown heartily sick of the matter. He was therefore only too keen to stump up his life savings of £32,000 to be the first to try TOPS’s patented device, the Begrubulator.
No sooner than he had inserted himself inside the device than he became trapped. The steam built up, the heat built up and in seconds Clemo was in absolute agony. It was only when his firefighter colleagues arrived (to his great and enduring embarassment!) that he could be rescued and ferried to hospital. Clemo is pictured on the left. Whilst bandaging is only required in his nether regions, he has, for shame, insisted on being bandaged from head to foot.
TOPS meanwhile is completely shocked, saying “I am completely shocked!” Police have raided the Gurnards Head premises and confiscated the device. The Roundup will report further on the development of this case.
Denzil Mevagissey (55), a milkman of Tolcarne in Newlyn, is a man whose name is rarely out of the high society pages in West Penwith.
His dress sense is legendary and, whilst he chooses to make little of his innate stylishness (“I jes’ threw it on”), what he wears today is worn throughout Cornwall by the fashionable tomorrow.
He is a patron of the Swordfish Inn, where he likes to take an evening drink between 5 pm and 11pm, at which time he is carried home by loyal retainers and hangers-on. Staff at the Inn are used to its being picketed by fashion photographers -- all eager to be the first to be able to obtain a snap of what the great man is now wearing.
Denzil is a modest man of limited ambitions. At home, he is content with the company of his two budgies, “Pinky and Perky’. No woman is required to give his home a female touch – it relaxes in a permanent and only mildly pungent easy male lassitude.
Denzil does enjoy the comfort he obtains from his roll-ups and the brown-stained fingers of his right hand provide ample testimony to the frequency with which he ‘smokes a choker’.
Now, however, the notoriety of this ‘man of style’ has been elevated yet further by the deathbed confession of his mother, Agnes (94), that Denzil is the lovechild of none other than Lamorna lothario, Uriah “Ukelele” Uren (pictured here on the left - with a banjo - to show his versatility!).
Uren, who died some fifty years ago, charmed his way into the heart of many a young Cornishwoman. Indeed, some geneticists maintain that such was his charm – and his spellbinding speed with his trouser buttons - that he fathered 10% of all the children born in West Penwith between 1948 and 1958, when he died ‘of trouser exhaustion’. Few can deny that there are many folk born in this period who have the traditional ‘Uren nose’.
If so many folk were indeed fathered by the ubiquitous Uren, some may wonder why Agnes should have felt that her experience of a Uren knee-trembler was so different. As Agnes herself claimed, “I seduced ov un, I was the first, I was!!”
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The Sancreed branch of the Methodist Fundamentalist Young Women’s League (Armed Division) has fallen below its desired number of 500 members and is now appealing for young 
women of a Methodist persuasion to apply for membership. Applicant females are required to foreswear ‘drinkon’, dancon’ and all other works of the devil'. They must be between 18 and 24, be handy with a gun, but must never ever have been within 50 yards of an unrelated male, unless he was dead.
The young ladies spend their exciting evenings listening to Radio Cornwall, assembling and disassembling their guns, making St Piran flags in crochet and knitwear, engaging in light-hearted banter and holding farting competitions. If you are a young lady who fits the bill, and likes the bill of fare, then telephone Morwenna Rosewarne on Sancreed 74562.
PEOPLE IN THE NEWS
RELUBBUS MAIDS TRIUMPH
Relubbus girls thrash Eton boys!
A delighted crowd witnessed the thrashing on Saturday of the Eton Boys’ Under 15s football team by the Under 15s Hockey team from the Relubbus Posh Maids School (known locally as the RPM school) .
The Posh Maids (fees at the RPM school are £72,499 per term!) laid into the visitors from Eton right from the start. Since the Eton toffs couldn’t touch the girls (they are girls, after all), the girls were able to lay into the unprotected pampered flesh of the toffs with their specially sharpened steel hockey sticks.
The match was over in about 7 minutes. One toff – badly damaged - did survive, but he too perished on the way to the American Hospital at Prospidnick.
The victorious girls’ team members, as pictured here from left to right and from the top, are:
Rowena Pascoe, Morwenna Tresidder, Loveday Rosewarne, Angela Addicoat, Lamorna Andrewartha, Lowena Poldhu, Sara Curnow, Demelza Borlase, Ysella Kenidjack, Kerensa Roseudgeon and Wenna Tremaine.
The losing side of toffs from Eton are shown here pictured before the match, again from left to right from the top:
Saggy Plopp, Plengwin Quench, Benthwirt Elkplot, Flenny Bollop, Bleck Flunge, Wilp Stumpley, Ipney Nagbolt, Skelky Dackpole, Ticky Dollop, Glippy Moglit and Argrap Meefdew.
RPM team captain, Lamorna Andrewartha, who would like to become a children’s nurse, was short of breath after her exertions and, wiping her face clear of blood spilled from four of the toffs as a result of her ‘jugular’ special, enthusiastically declared “That was the best match ever – pity they didn’t last long! We all look forward to the rematch – we’re hoping to get the time down to below 6 minutes !”
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Don't Miss the Annual Long Rock Children’s Animal Circus!
The Annual Animal Circus in Long Rock is held once again in Farmer Pender’s back field. It is run for children by children, but its location is generously provided by Farmer Ben Pender for a mere 98% of the takings.
Five boys from Newlyn with ‘gladiator lobsters’, calling themselves “The Lighthouse boys”, have been banned this year, as they tried to get out of paying by threatening to parade outside the Pender farm calling out “Gender Bender Pender is a Perve”.
Farmer Pender – pictured left, a good sport who has in his own words 'suffered the investigations with, as yet, no convictions', was unwilling to yield to such crude pressure.
There are seven acts on display:
Terry Tonkin with Nigel, his talking tadpole.
Wilma Addicoat and her musical dog ‘Poop’.
Linda Polkinghorne and ‘Bash’, her bouncing tortoise.
The Colinsey gang with ‘Claws’ the cat performing with some mice.
Betty Boase and “Stiffie”, the diving budgie.
Billy Peninula and his frying ants (“Act only available in sunlight – don’t touch my magnifying glass!”)
Dickie Angwin and his “Pin the donkey’s tail back on again”. Warning - the donkey does kick!!
ENTRANCE FEE per child : 50 pence
EUROVISION 2009 QUIZ
You all know who is singing for your own country, but can you guess which countries the following artistes will be representing in Moscow in May? If you get the answers right, you could win a fabulous set of prizes**!!!
Here are the artistes, but which countries do they represent?
Silvia Burlesque-Only is 32 years old, but has only been a woman for the last 12 of those years. She breeds three-legged ferrets as a hobby and is a mistress (formerly, master) of the art of the cigarette roll-up, which is one of the factors that have given rise to her ‘throatily sexy’ voice.
She is particularly proud of her fine thatch of hair, as she went prematurely bald as a man and was obliged to wear a handkerchief to cover this up, prior to the sex-change which caused her capillary explosion.
Her interests are men and ice-cream in that order.
She has a blown-up nude picture of Tony Blair hanging on her bathroom wall. The song she will sing is “Just one cornetto!”
Alphonse Narcose Tea-Cosy is 39 and speaks only French – but which country does he represent?
Some helpful clues are that he dismembers budgies for fun, has an overpowering and disturbing body odour, changes his underwear only once a month (with the aid of a blow torch) and has never owned a toothbrush .
Also, he has never been arrested for murder, but has been detained by police for many other minor transgressions. He has received therapy since 1973 and this has led to the training of his unusual voice, which has been likened to the sound of a chicken being strangled. The song he will be singing is “I picked my nose for you alone!”
“Heinzi” Arschi-Lochi is a 28 year old ‘rainbow person’, who believes that the Eurovision Song 
Contest 2009 will put him and his country on the map.
Heinzi comes from a family with a long tradition of producing Wurst AND Cuckoo clocks. Like many in his country he went to work in a bank, before the ‘profession’ acquired a reputation considerably below that of child-murderer. He then went to work in a care home, where he learnt yodelling from a 92-year-old inmate called Stefan, with whom he formed a very close, indeed intimate, bond.
Heinzi will be yodelling his entry “I’ll shove that rose up your rozzer, if you shove this tulip up mine!”
This last entry in this week’s quiz is a very tricky one indeed. Here are the clues: the singer 
(now somewhat deceased, but still in good voice) does not usually sing in a European language and likes to be called ‘the Chairman’.
The Chairman is coy about giving his age or any other personal information, although it is believed that his daytime job is in a restaurant or, possibly, in a laundry. He has been chosen to sing for a country, which is next to a mountainous land and which has a coastline with only a limited sewerage problem.
Accompanying himself on a banjo, the Chairman will be singing a song called “Little Red Book” to the tune of the old Tommy Steele favourite “Little White Bull”.
If you think you know all the answers, just send in to the Roundup your list of correct answers -- with the fee of €100 -- and you will be entered in a draw which could win you the magnificent life-changing sum of Kernewek Angels 5 billion!!!!
Not only this, but you would win the right to a lifetime’s FREE supply of vegetables and toilet rolls from the RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus – together with a FREE Trevaskis Landshark motor car handcrafted for you in Cornwall!!
Entries please – together with entry fee of €100 (in used notes) to:
Sylvanus Penhaul Esq
The Editor
Relubbus Roundup
c/o The Swordfish Inn
Newlyn
Penzance
Cornwall
FASHION KING CAUSES CONTROVERSY AND CHAOS ON CATWALK!!
Madron “Piskey” Polglaze, the quirky but hugely talented designer (34) has wrong-footed 
fashion houses around the world with his latest 'Emperor' creations, which have taken the fashion world by storm.
They have also, for various reasons, given rise to controversy on the famed catwalks of St Buryan and Boswedden Lane in Relubbus.
The diminutive design king may just be 3 ft 7 inches tall, but his career accomplishments leave him towering over aspiring competition such as that from Versace, Calvin Klein and Tommy Whitehorn.
However, the latest grand launch from this fearless fashionista has left the competition numbed and without response.
Polglaze, who prides himself on the use of natural materials in his designs, has hit upon a means of fashioning clothing from onions. The method of preparation is laborious in the extreme.
Firstly, an onion is peeled into its many (often as many as 400!) separate layers. Using an electron microscope, each layer is then sliced into extremely thin strips. The strips are then woven together to produce a thread, from which -- finally -- the clothes are fashioned.
Typically of this - in his own words - 'charismatic and caring' character, he has farmed out this intricate work to thousands of workers in far-off Bangladesh, ”so that others can benefit from this clothing boom”.
Amazingly, Polglaze can create a dress out of just three onions, although it takes just short of a million man hours to manufacture the fabric for one dress. Whilst the raw material is therefore extremely cheap (all onions are sourced from West Penwith), the labour costs are potentially enormous (in Bangladeshi terms).
However, Polglaze hit upon the brilliant idea of avoiding the huge cost of millions of man hours by offering the work instead to Bangladeshi children, who can do the work “for some useful pocket money”, when they are not in school or out playing.
He dismisses all charges of child exploitation by saying that it is just like doing a paper round in Cornwall.
Critics counter this with the accusation that there is a great deal of difference between a half-hour paper round and a 20-hour working day every day, dealing with almost invisible strands of onion.
Polglaze has been summoned to appear before the Greater Relubbus Urban Council’s Ethics Committee chaired by no less than the Council Chairman himself, Billy Spargo (101) to answer this accusation.
Meanwhile on the catwalk itself, there is no less controversy. So thin is the hugely expensive fabric that it appears that the models are almost naked, as shown in the picture on the left.
As top St Buryan model, Lavinia Liddicoat (23) said "I 'ad to 'ave danger money to wear they bleddy dresses - people could see my knickers an all!! So we got double money - £3.50 an hour - otherwise I would'n never 'ave done it!"
Despite their invisibility and flimsiness, these dresses do not come cheap – with the cheapest dress set to retail at £45,999!!
Aggie Andrewartha (96) the President of the Ludgvan branch of the Lesbian Dinner Ladies Association said “At they bleddy prices, e’ll be lucky to sell any round ‘ere!! Pity really, the fabric is so thin, at least it duh make you look slimmer!”
Aggie's Association, which has 35,000 members, has enormous clout in the West Cornish haute couture market.
Polglaze may well have economic ruin ahead of him -- quite apart from the ignominy of a roasting before Spargo's much-feared Committee.
The Roundup will report further.
EUROVISION 2009 - YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU!
As the winter winds lose their bite and the days grow longer, the snowdrops give way to daffodils and gradually thoughts turn to spring and to ... Eurovision.
The Roundup proudly presents a review of the main contestants for this prestigious European prize and reveals that the customary vote-rigging is well under way and is so far advanced that the eventual winner can already be announced.
But first things first – the contestants. We review the principal contenders for the title in this year’s unique contest, in which everyone has to sing their own lyrics to the same tune – “Goin' up Camborne ‘Ill" - played by the Marazion massed triangle band. Each contestant is shown with the lyrics he/she has chosen.
BELGIUM
Heartthrob Alternative Health Practitioner, Philippe Knabberknackers (24) ‘walked’ the selection process in Belgium.
Despite not even bothering to turn up for the contest, as he had had a few bevvies too many the night before, Philippe won ten of the thirteen votes cast to ‘walk away’ with the Belgian nomination.
As can be seen from the photo, he has now thrown all his energies into coming up with a winning interpretation of his song.
His fan base extends beyond Belgium, because of his appearance in ‘special interest films’ and he appears to have a solid supporter base in the Baltic States and in other former republics of the former USSR.
Lyrics: Who kicked the budgie into my soup?
LATVIA
Dace (formerly Valdis) Vanags (18) was a man for the first forty-three of her years. After 
several operations at the Riga Veterinary Hospital, she emerged as a mouth-wateringly beautiful 18 year old girl with – still – an amazing bass voice!
In her former existence as Valdis, she was an experienced and highly capable stevedore. Now she has emerged as a beauty therapist, who is able to serenade her female clients in a rich deep bass voice that seems beguilingly out of character with the lissome female creature one sees before one.
Lyrics: Old Man River, Dat old man River
FRANCE
Mademoiselle Frou-Frou Lebecque (formerly Mimi Letoucque) (23) received a vote of 83 million (out of a population of 61.5 million) to steal the French nomination, despite there being no other contestants.
Frou-frou is wildly popular with the whole of the French public – apart from Carla Bruni, the new wife of French President Nicholas Teacosy.
Bruni is aid to have been very upset to have found a full length picture of Frou Frou in President Teacosy’s shower room.
Lyrics: Camptown Races
ISRAEL AND NEW ZEALAND
Although being a fair distance by aeroplane from Europe, Israel has traditionally been allowed to take part in Eurovision for many reasons, which are, of course, obvious to anyone from Tel Aviv.
Shlomo ben David (29) has been selected from 20,000 contestants to represent the Israeli republic.
Shlomo is a New Zealander, but, as he converted to Judaism last month and received an Israeli passport last week, he is now able to represent both countries, as he announces with his customary wayward smile.
Lyrics: Don’t Dilly Dally (My Old man said "Follow the Van")
ITALY
The Cheeky Girls, Bella Ragazza and her cousin, Pasta Verde, are both 17 and delighted to represent their country.
As Bella gushingly and fluently declared, “Issa wonderful, Ciao, Grazie, Prego! I luvva you!”
Both girls attend the Italia Disconti Stage school, where they spend 2 hours a day learning to speak English “Likeaa they do inna Eastenders, allrighta maita!”, said Pasta showing off.
They also focus a great deal on song, dance and theatre skills. Amazingly, the girls will be singing their song whilst performing an “Inverted Irish Dance” - i.e. on their hands!
Lyrics: There’s an Old Mill By the Stream
SWEDEN
The schoolgirl troupe selected by the Swedes (called "They Swedish maids") is tipped as a hot favourite to win the contest. 
They are believed to have secured financial backing from two well known Cornish business magnates – the fabulously rich Messrs Trevaskis and Oates – which has enabled them to buy their eye-catchingly snazzy costumes, the skirts of which they rip off midway through the song in Mexican wave style.
In return for the generous backing (believed to be in excess of £7.50 each!), the girls have, of course, signed over all profits they may ever make in their lives and have committed to appear every night for the next ten years at the Relubbus Hippodrome.
Lyrics: Hitler, 'e only 'ad one ball!!
HAYLE
The People’s Soviet Socialist Republic of Hayle is represented by three young folk, who work at the experimental Hayle Nuclear Power Station – they are from left to right Norris, Doris and Boris and sing together under the name “Endebee”.
The trio, all 19 years old, have caused some controversy by inserting words which sound like “embargo Spargo!” into their song.
This has given rise to renewed frictions in the already frayed diplomatic relations between Relubbus, led by 108-year-old Council Chairman Spargo, and the People’s Republic of Hayle, led by failed comb-over victim and mad dictator Ventongimps (49).
Lyrics: Kiss me goodnight, Sergeant-Major
RELUBBUS
The runaway absolute favourite for the contest is the 16-year-old, 16 stone singing prodigy from 
Prospidnick, known to his Mum as ‘git plum boy’ and known to his huge Relubbus fan base as ‘Gunna Singunaree’.
His off-stage name is Leonard Landshark and young Landshark has, despite his young years, already twice topped the Relubbus charts with his versions of “Do ye ken John Peel” and “My Boy Willie”, both of which sold over ten copies in only 12 weeks.
Young Landshark has huge stage presence (and a huge frame) and seems to exert a magnetic pull over his audiences, even when they number more than 14.
Landshark’s voice is breaking and it may just be the sheer unpredictability of his sound that is the secret of his success. Bookies have stopped taking bets on Landshark, because he is now commonly regarded as a sure-fire winner.
Experts feel that his highly-rated chances might be related to the fact that, alone amongst the contestants, his lyrics do fit the music.
Lyrics: Goin’ up Camborne ‘Ill
The Roundup will be following the further development of this story for the benefit of the thousands of our readers around the world who 'live for Eurovision'.
WHAT RELUBBUS MEANS TO THE WORLD
In a fragile, changing world buffeted by events, a constant and reliable bulwark such as RELUBBUS is a necessary point of reference for all.
But just what does RELUBBUS mean to the movers and shakers of the world? We asked 8 influential people what RELUBBUS means to them.
Barack Obama
When I campaigned for the office of President, I had one image fixed firmly before me and it was the picture of the one true Statesman this world has ever seen – Billy Spargo.
It is no secret that I modelled my internet campaign on the so-called Spargo political fishing net, which ‘captures more political fish’ than any other. It is a matter of great regret to me that I cannot make Relubbus the site of my first foreign visit, since Councillor Spargo has told me that he has no time to fit me in for a couple of years.
I shall wait patiently. Relubbus stands for everything I would like America to be. When I walk down Boswedden Lane for the first time, I will truly be a happy man.
Cecilie Attias (Sarkozy)
The reason I left my former husband, the 3ft 6 ins tall French President, Nicholas Sarkozy is 
that I met a real man whilst on holiday in Cornwall. He may have been 91 years old but he had a very powerful aroma, which conquered me.
He took me to Boswedden Lane and to the RC Oates Superstore, to the Relubbus Conservatoire, to the spacious halls (yes, there are two!) of the Wendron Lane Methodist Church to a meeting of the Young Farmers’ wives and I realised the poverty of Parisian life in an instant.
The sad limp structures along the Seine have nothing to compare with the brave bold buildings of Relubbus. The superior sights and smells assault the senses and leave one as helpless as I felt in the strong arms and penetrating aroma of the great Spargo.
I was just a plaything – a distraction - for this great man and I had to go elsewhere to find a poor copy of the great Spargo after I had left my pathetic Parisian dwarf, but I did retain a reverend respect for Relubbus, which reared this great man.
HU Jintao
At a G20 meeting in Relubbus, Billy Spargo took me both to the Fish and Chip Shop half way 
up Causewayhead in Penzance and also to the Wimpy Bar in Market Jew Street. Then he took me to a rehearsal of the famous Newlyn Male Voice choir, which had worked under the legendary Norrie Williams.
Dizzy with this cultural overload, I was then taken to Penlowarth, where the sheer inventiveness of the benefits claimants was breathtaking. After this, we walked down the serene majesty of Boswedden Lane completely alone, apart from the four thousand Relubbus Boy Scouts assigned to us as security.
Their constant vigilance and ‘preparedness’ made me realise that China truly had much to learn from Relubbus. My two day visit gradually stretched to one month as I realised that the thousands of years of Chinese ‘civilisation’ had brought us nothing. The sophistication of society in Greater Relubbus had won me over completely. Now we all say “Long Live Lelubbus!”
Helen Mirren
Years ago, before I was famous, I was walking down Bread street in Penzance having got really badly pissed up at a party in St James’s Street, when I bumped into a man called Sam Curnow, who ran a fish shop near the top of Causewayhead in Penzance.
I was drunk. He was drunk. But he started talking about the bombs and I was away with him. Yes, he was a little old at his 84 years to my 18, but he had Cornish charisma and I have never met a man since who could do what he did – drunk or sober.
In his memory, I am there for Relubbus, the place of his birth.
Yulia Tymoshenko
We want it civilisation innat Ukraine. It is wonderful ting you know, like? Accordingly we examine all countries round world to get good example to follow it here.
As soon as we hear of Greater Relubbus, bastion of freedom in face of totalitarian Communist Hayle led by dictator Tregavarah Ventongimps, we think of our position here in free sunny Ukraine by the sea right next door to cold Russia of Vladimir Ventongimps Putin.
I write to great Billy Spargo and ask it him for help. He reply kindly by saying he will give me one. Relubbus is model not just for Ukraine, but for all world.
Pope Benedikt XVI
One of ze main reasons that I haff poping taken up is zat – years ago – venn I vaz on holiday in Cornwall, I met ze young Wilhelm Spargo.
I vaz 11 and he vaz older. He vaz my hero and I followed him like a puppy dog. “I vish to be in your gang, Billy!” I screamed. He replied “You gotta better chence of bein pope than bein in my gang, boy!” Being a serious-minded Cherman, I took his vords to heart and applied myself to becoming pope.
Now zat I haff zis achieved, I vill ask Billy if za Vatikan can join ze Relubbus gang! I haff to hurry zis request as I haff been getting into troubles recently and might be ze first Pope to have ot resign! When I haff done poping, I will ask nicely to come to Relubbus to hide.
Lawrence of Arabia
As a child I played upon the sand dunes of Relubbus Towans. My parents often went off 
drinking leaving me to fend for myself as toddler of 1 or 2 years old.
This toughens you up. With nothing but a nappy to protect me from the blisteringly hot Cornish rain in temperatures which, in August, reached as high as 18 degrees centigrade, I roamed far and wide over the Towans and thus came to love the sand and regard it as a safe haven.
When I reached the deserts of Arabia, it was only the military requirement to ‘blend in’ that kept me from donning a nappy again and, instead, putting on the namby-pamby get-up which the surrounding Ayrabs wore. Thus I owe it to my early years training in Relubbus that I took to the desert sands so well. Hats off to Relubbus!!
