GIANT WIND FARM FOR HELFORD

By Technology Correspondent Jon Quick

The picture shows an artist's impression of the first stage of the giant wind farm that is to be built in the shallow waters of Helford creek, adjacent to the village of Helford, on the Lizard peninsula.

Initially, there will be only two turbines (each 400 feet tall), but eventually there are expected to be some two hundred.

A spokeswoman for the new Cornwall Unitary Authority said that the site was "ideal".

In most areas, she said, locals objected strongly to the intrusive nature of the colossal structures on the landscape. However, because Helford village consisted almost entirely of second homes, it remained unoccupied for most of the year, and therefore she anticipated that there would be few objections.

"How can people object to their view being spoilt if they're not there to see it in the first place?" she asked.

Jon Quick is the Dean of St Patrick's Cathedral, Dublin.

GOODWIN TO BE SUED IN RELUBBUS COURTS

Sir ‘Right Said Fred’ Goodwin, the much-disgraced former CEO of the British banking giant, Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS), is to be sued in the Relubbus Courts by shareholders under the feared provision of ‘bleddy reckless incompetence’ under Relubbus law.

Goodwin (now universally referred to as 'Badloss') is pictured here on the left, in much happier times back in 2006, when he had just received the news that he was being paid more than any other individual in British banking.

Relubbus has been chosen for this action, because of the retention of capital punishment for certain ‘grave offences’.

It is thought likely that Goodwin will have to appear before the unforgiving presence of Chief Justice Horton “’Ang’em all!” Tresidder (111).

Tresidder, a member of the feared Methodist Fundamentalist group, ‘the Golems’, dispenses a form of justice more in keeping with Sharia law, though a good deal more extreme, than with any notions of Western justice.

Judge Tresidder insists on a minimum of corporal punishment for all who come before his court, even if they are innocent, “to teach them respect for the law”. Tresidder retains his own cat o’nine tails for this purpose.

Tresidder is famed for his frequent insistence upon ‘double beheading’. His chief executioner, ‘Mad’ Madron Maddern (59), explains this ancient practice thus: “You gotta cut the’ead off clean in one go, scoop’n up quick, sew ‘n on again and chop ‘n off again bleddy quick!”

Maddern can apparently perform this amazing act within 2 minutes, although he remains very keen to try to better his record. Maddern is also extremely adroit in the practice of scrotal resurfacing (using a strong hydrochloric acid wash), which he usually administers to suspects to make them talk and sometimes just for fun. Maddern is known to have been on to the suppliers recently to top up supplies.

The famous Relubbus Human Rights Organisation, “Wha’s goin' on ‘eera?”, led by Miss Peggy Trevanion (75) from ‘up ‘Eamoor, who herself lost a considerable sum as an RBS shareholder, said “I’m sure Goodwin ‘ll get what ee duh deserve from Mr Justice Tresidder and from young Maddern!”

Justice Tresidder had much of his pension invested in RBS shares and therefore is able to identify with the sense of loss felt by many RBS shareholders. Maddern too had the whole of his pension stored in RBS shares and is keen to be able to get to know Goodwin.

This sense of association, in both men, with the plight of other shareholders and with those who had invested parts of their pension pots in RBS shares is greatly heightened by the fact that car-mad Goodwin seems to have managed to combine his startling act of ‘crashing’ the bank in a spectacular way with his amazing feat of walking away from the crash unscathed -- and with a huge personal pension in addition to the millions he had managed to acquire from the bank over the years whilst he was building up a tremendous speed for a good crash.

Goodwin, who has taken an up-front payment of nearly £3 million from his overgenerous pension pot "to meet the odd household expense", was seemingly unfazed by all the fuss about the bank’s crash and the wrecked lives of shareholders, staff and customers.

Speaking from the Maldives – to which he had flown in his personal jet – ‘to get away from it all’, Goodwin remarked, “I am not a bitter man, although I have good cause to be.

"If I could have stayed at RBS, I would be hauling in a good £4 million per year basic and I have now had to kiss goodbye to all that! I have told the wife that there is now every chance that I will have to give up the yacht".

Goodwin's maritime run-around, named "Thank you Darling" (believed to be a reference to the Chancellor) was built for him on the Clyde at a cost of £5 million.

Disconsolately, he sipped his Chateau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac 1996 straight from the bottle via his diamond-encrusted golden straw and mused that he could only thank the lord that he had been able to stash away so much money in the good years, since he was now looking at a very bleak future in which he would be forced to keep going on a paltry pension of just £703,000 a year.

However, the millions he had managed to salt away over the ten years at the wheel of RBS provided consoling thoughts …….until the doughty Roundup reporter, who had rowed out from Lamorna for the interview, broke the shock news of his summons before the Relubbus courts.

PEOPLE IN THE NEWS

Celebrated Newlyn violinist and inventor, Tamsin Oleander Pengelly-Saunders (29), who likes to be known as TOPS, is required to appear before magistrates in Relubbus on a string of charges including causing actual bodily harm.

Not content with her musical career, which has taken her right round West Penwith -- and even for a whole season to the famed Relubbus Hippodrome, which will have netted her a tidy sum adjacent to at least £594 -- she has also been spending time at her Gurnards Head “Small Man Surgery”.

She has invented – and patented – a steam powered ‘developer’, which she claims will help challenged gentlemen “to grow significantly in areas in which significant growth will be appreciated”. Having conducted extensive testing with mice - one of which survived, she came up with 'the answer'.

The evil device in question is pictured on the left.

Her first client, Rodney Clemo (42) of 18 Colinsey Road in Penzance, had grown tired of the relentless belittling he had been subjected to at school and in his job, where, as a fireman, he was required to take showers with other men. He had acquired the nickname “microscope” and had grown heartily sick of the matter. He was therefore only too keen to stump up his life savings of £32,000 to be the first to try TOPS’s patented device, the Begrubulator.

No sooner than he had inserted himself inside the device than he became trapped. The steam built up, the heat built up and in seconds Clemo was in absolute agony. It was only when his firefighter colleagues arrived (to his great and enduring embarassment!) that he could be rescued and ferried to hospital. Clemo is pictured on the left. Whilst bandaging is only required in his nether regions, he has, for shame, insisted on being bandaged from head to foot.

TOPS meanwhile is completely shocked, saying “I am completely shocked!” Police have raided the Gurnards Head premises and confiscated the device. The Roundup will report further on the development of this case.


Denzil Mevagissey (55), a milkman of Tolcarne in Newlyn, is a man whose name is rarely out of the high society pages in West Penwith.

His dress sense is legendary and, whilst he chooses to make little of his innate stylishness (“I jes’ threw it on”), what he wears today is worn throughout Cornwall by the fashionable tomorrow.

He is a patron of the Swordfish Inn, where he likes to take an evening drink between 5 pm and 11pm, at which time he is carried home by loyal retainers and hangers-on. Staff at the Inn are used to its being picketed by fashion photographers -- all eager to be the first to be able to obtain a snap of what the great man is now wearing.

Denzil is a modest man of limited ambitions. At home, he is content with the company of his two budgies, “Pinky and Perky’. No woman is required to give his home a female touch – it relaxes in a permanent and only mildly pungent easy male lassitude.

Denzil does enjoy the comfort he obtains from his roll-ups and the brown-stained fingers of his right hand provide ample testimony to the frequency with which he ‘smokes a choker’.

Now, however, the notoriety of this ‘man of style’ has been elevated yet further by the deathbed confession of his mother, Agnes (94), that Denzil is the lovechild of none other than Lamorna lothario, Uriah “Ukelele” Uren (pictured here on the left - with a banjo - to show his versatility!).

Uren, who died some fifty years ago, charmed his way into the heart of many a young Cornishwoman. Indeed, some geneticists maintain that such was his charm – and his spellbinding speed with his trouser buttons - that he fathered 10% of all the children born in West Penwith between 1948 and 1958, when he died ‘of trouser exhaustion’. Few can deny that there are many folk born in this period who have the traditional ‘Uren nose’.

If so many folk were indeed fathered by the ubiquitous Uren, some may wonder why Agnes should have felt that her experience of a Uren knee-trembler was so different. As Agnes herself claimed, “I seduced ov un, I was the first, I was!!”

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The Sancreed branch of the Methodist Fundamentalist Young Women’s League (Armed Division) has fallen below its desired number of 500 members and is now appealing for young women of a Methodist persuasion to apply for membership. Applicant females are required to foreswear ‘drinkon’, dancon’ and all other works of the devil'. They must be between 18 and 24, be handy with a gun, but must never ever have been within 50 yards of an unrelated male, unless he was dead.

The young ladies spend their exciting evenings listening to Radio Cornwall, assembling and disassembling their guns, making St Piran flags in crochet and knitwear, engaging in light-hearted banter and holding farting competitions. If you are a young lady who fits the bill, and likes the bill of fare, then telephone Morwenna Rosewarne on Sancreed 74562.

RELUBBUS MAIDS TRIUMPH

Relubbus girls thrash Eton boys!

A delighted crowd witnessed the thrashing on Saturday of the Eton Boys’ Under 15s football team by the Under 15s Hockey team from the Relubbus Posh Maids School (known locally as the RPM school) .

The Posh Maids (fees at the RPM school are £72,499 per term!) laid into the visitors from Eton right from the start. Since the Eton toffs couldn’t touch the girls (they are girls, after all), the girls were able to lay into the unprotected pampered flesh of the toffs with their specially sharpened steel hockey sticks.

The match was over in about 7 minutes. One toff – badly damaged - did survive, but he too perished on the way to the American Hospital at Prospidnick.

The victorious girls’ team members, as pictured here from left to right and from the top, are:

Rowena Pascoe, Morwenna Tresidder, Loveday Rosewarne, Angela Addicoat, Lamorna Andrewartha, Lowena Poldhu, Sara Curnow, Demelza Borlase, Ysella Kenidjack, Kerensa Roseudgeon and Wenna Tremaine.




The losing side of toffs from Eton are shown here pictured before the match, again from left to right from the top:

Saggy Plopp, Plengwin Quench, Benthwirt Elkplot, Flenny Bollop, Bleck Flunge, Wilp Stumpley, Ipney Nagbolt, Skelky Dackpole, Ticky Dollop, Glippy Moglit and Argrap Meefdew.


RPM team captain, Lamorna Andrewartha, who would like to become a children’s nurse, was short of breath after her exertions and, wiping her face clear of blood spilled from four of the toffs as a result of her ‘jugular’ special, enthusiastically declared “That was the best match ever – pity they didn’t last long! We all look forward to the rematch – we’re hoping to get the time down to below 6 minutes !”

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Don't Miss the Annual Long Rock Children’s Animal Circus!

The Annual Animal Circus in Long Rock is held once again in Farmer Pender’s back field. It is run for children by children, but its location is generously provided by Farmer Ben Pender for a mere 98% of the takings.

Five boys from Newlyn with ‘gladiator lobsters’, calling themselves “The Lighthouse boys”, have been banned this year, as they tried to get out of paying by threatening to parade outside the Pender farm calling out “Gender Bender Pender is a Perve”.

Farmer Pender – pictured left, a good sport who has in his own words 'suffered the investigations with, as yet, no convictions', was unwilling to yield to such crude pressure.

There are seven acts on display:

Terry Tonkin with Nigel, his talking tadpole.

Wilma Addicoat and her musical dog ‘Poop’.

Linda Polkinghorne and ‘Bash’, her bouncing tortoise.

The Colinsey gang with ‘Claws’ the cat performing with some mice.

Betty Boase and “Stiffie”, the diving budgie.

Billy Peninula and his frying ants (“Act only available in sunlight – don’t touch my magnifying glass!”)

Dickie Angwin and his “Pin the donkey’s tail back on again”. Warning - the donkey does kick!!

ENTRANCE FEE per child : 50 pence

EUROVISION 2009 QUIZ

You all know who is singing for your own country, but can you guess which countries the following artistes will be representing in Moscow in May? If you get the answers right, you could win a fabulous set of prizes**!!!

Here are the artistes, but which countries do they represent?

Silvia Burlesque-Only is 32 years old, but has only been a woman for the last 12 of those years. She breeds three-legged ferrets as a hobby and is a mistress (formerly, master) of the art of the cigarette roll-up, which is one of the factors that have given rise to her ‘throatily sexy’ voice.

She is particularly proud of her fine thatch of hair, as she went prematurely bald as a man and was obliged to wear a handkerchief to cover this up, prior to the sex-change which caused her capillary explosion.

Her interests are men and ice-cream in that order.

She has a blown-up nude picture of Tony Blair hanging on her bathroom wall. The song she will sing is “Just one cornetto!”


Alphonse Narcose Tea-Cosy is 39 and speaks only French – but which country does he represent?

Some helpful clues are that he dismembers budgies for fun, has an overpowering and disturbing body odour, changes his underwear only once a month (with the aid of a blow torch) and has never owned a toothbrush .

Also, he has never been arrested for murder, but has been detained by police for many other minor transgressions. He has received therapy since 1973 and this has led to the training of his unusual voice, which has been likened to the sound of a chicken being strangled. The song he will be singing is “I picked my nose for you alone!”

“Heinzi” Arschi-Lochi is a 28 year old ‘rainbow person’, who believes that the Eurovision Song Contest 2009 will put him and his country on the map.

Heinzi comes from a family with a long tradition of producing Wurst AND Cuckoo clocks. Like many in his country he went to work in a bank, before the ‘profession’ acquired a reputation considerably below that of child-murderer. He then went to work in a care home, where he learnt yodelling from a 92-year-old inmate called Stefan, with whom he formed a very close, indeed intimate, bond.

Heinzi will be yodelling his entry “I’ll shove that rose up your rozzer, if you shove this tulip up mine!”

This last entry in this week’s quiz is a very tricky one indeed. Here are the clues: the singer (now somewhat deceased, but still in good voice) does not usually sing in a European language and likes to be called ‘the Chairman’.

The Chairman is coy about giving his age or any other personal information, although it is believed that his daytime job is in a restaurant or, possibly, in a laundry. He has been chosen to sing for a country, which is next to a mountainous land and which has a coastline with only a limited sewerage problem.

Accompanying himself on a banjo, the Chairman will be singing a song called “Little Red Book” to the tune of the old Tommy Steele favourite “Little White Bull”.

If you think you know all the answers, just send in to the Roundup your list of correct answers -- with the fee of €100 -- and you will be entered in a draw which could win you the magnificent life-changing sum of Kernewek Angels 5 billion!!!!

Not only this, but you would win the right to a lifetime’s FREE supply of vegetables and toilet rolls from the RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus – together with a FREE Trevaskis Landshark motor car handcrafted for you in Cornwall!!

Entries please – together with entry fee of €100 (in used notes) to:
Sylvanus Penhaul Esq
The Editor
Relubbus Roundup
c/o The Swordfish Inn
Newlyn
Penzance
Cornwall

FASHION KING CAUSES CONTROVERSY AND CHAOS ON CATWALK!!

Madron “Piskey” Polglaze, the quirky but hugely talented designer (34) has wrong-footed fashion houses around the world with his latest 'Emperor' creations, which have taken the fashion world by storm.

They have also, for various reasons, given rise to controversy on the famed catwalks of St Buryan and Boswedden Lane in Relubbus.

The diminutive design king may just be 3 ft 7 inches tall, but his career accomplishments leave him towering over aspiring competition such as that from Versace, Calvin Klein and Tommy Whitehorn.

However, the latest grand launch from this fearless fashionista has left the competition numbed and without response.

Polglaze, who prides himself on the use of natural materials in his designs, has hit upon a means of fashioning clothing from onions. The method of preparation is laborious in the extreme.

Firstly, an onion is peeled into its many (often as many as 400!) separate layers. Using an electron microscope, each layer is then sliced into extremely thin strips. The strips are then woven together to produce a thread, from which -- finally -- the clothes are fashioned.

Typically of this - in his own words - 'charismatic and caring' character, he has farmed out this intricate work to thousands of workers in far-off Bangladesh, ”so that others can benefit from this clothing boom”.

Amazingly, Polglaze can create a dress out of just three onions, although it takes just short of a million man hours to manufacture the fabric for one dress. Whilst the raw material is therefore extremely cheap (all onions are sourced from West Penwith), the labour costs are potentially enormous (in Bangladeshi terms).

However, Polglaze hit upon the brilliant idea of avoiding the huge cost of millions of man hours by offering the work instead to Bangladeshi children, who can do the work “for some useful pocket money”, when they are not in school or out playing.

He dismisses all charges of child exploitation by saying that it is just like doing a paper round in Cornwall.

Critics counter this with the accusation that there is a great deal of difference between a half-hour paper round and a 20-hour working day every day, dealing with almost invisible strands of onion.

Polglaze has been summoned to appear before the Greater Relubbus Urban Council’s Ethics Committee chaired by no less than the Council Chairman himself, Billy Spargo (101) to answer this accusation.

Meanwhile on the catwalk itself, there is no less controversy. So thin is the hugely expensive fabric that it appears that the models are almost naked, as shown in the picture on the left.

As top St Buryan model, Lavinia Liddicoat (23) said "I 'ad to 'ave danger money to wear they bleddy dresses - people could see my knickers an all!! So we got double money - £3.50 an hour - otherwise I would'n never 'ave done it!"

Despite their invisibility and flimsiness, these dresses do not come cheap – with the cheapest dress set to retail at £45,999!!

Aggie Andrewartha (96) the President of the Ludgvan branch of the Lesbian Dinner Ladies Association said “At they bleddy prices, e’ll be lucky to sell any round ‘ere!! Pity really, the fabric is so thin, at least it duh make you look slimmer!”

Aggie's Association, which has 35,000 members, has enormous clout in the West Cornish haute couture market.

Polglaze may well have economic ruin ahead of him -- quite apart from the ignominy of a roasting before Spargo's much-feared Committee.

The Roundup will report further.