Local councillor, preacher, soprano soloist, amateur virologist and full-time blacksmith, Hewi Dewi Trethewey (42, Cornish dad, Welsh mum), has come up with some practical ideas to help combat the wave of teenage pregnancy that has swept Relubbus along with the rest of the developed world.
Hewi, of Mary Whitehouse Cottage in Bram Lane, Relubbus, is pictured on the left. He is an ordinary man, who describes himself as “just an ordinary man”.
However, he is convinced that there are severe limits to the results that can be achieved in managing soaring teenage pregnancy rates by education and advice alone.
Accordingly, he has spent months developing his “Virginity Suit”, which he believes should be compulsory 24-hour-a-day wear for all young people between the ages of 11 and 21.
It comes with breathing apparatus and, given the weight of the metal and the need for reinforced security in what Trethewey coyly terms ‘the trouser region’, the suit is reasonably flexible, allowing almost 65% of normal body movements.
The paramount aim in the design of the suit is to render completely impossible any bodily 
contact between the wearer and any other young person -- or indeed anyone or anything dead or alive.
The suit, once donned, cannot be removed except by Mr Trethewey himself. To cater for the long period of usage (10 years for any 11 year old) each suit is made in the same large size to cater for growth.
Hygiene has also been a powerful consideration in the design and the suit contains an ingenious series of one-way valves to permit ‘flush-down’, so as ‘to keep things clean inside’.
Trethewey proposes that the State purchases one of these suits for everyone between the ages of 11 and 21 and argues that there are powerful economic as well as moral reasons for the wearing of such suits.
Whilst those with an underdeveloped appreciation of economics might see the end of the story in Mr Trethewey’s netting around £200 million for 400,000 of his suits at £500 a go, the more far-sighted would also see huge savings in no longer having to deal with the social havoc that results from teenage pregnancies.
The authoritative and internationally respected Relubbus Office For Doin' ‘Ard Sums (ROFDAS) has calculated the cost of this scourge of society at £300 million each year. Whilst this may be a conclusive argument in itself, Mr Trethewey also adds that the savings to families in the cost of clothes and soap for the ‘children’ during their suit-wearing growing period will be enormous.
The Trethewey proposal is to come before a full meeting of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council next Tuesday evening. Mr Trethewey, who, at his own expense, has put on a pasty supper for all the Councillors that evening, is hopeful of a positive outcome.
RELUBBUS MAN HAS ANSWER TO TEENAGE PREGNANCY
SPARGO SLAMS BLEARS POSTAL PROPOSAL!
Midget maniac speed-freak Hazel Blears, the much-troubled ex-Community Minister in the spiralling UK Brown government, has applied to get a job with the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).
She has taken time off writing expenses claims to the Westminster Fees Office to submit a 
proposal, via megaphone as pictured on the left, to the GRUC, promising to knock 50% off the cost of postal services throughout Greater Relubbus, if the GRUC will give her the job of Minister for Telephony, Telegraphy and Postal services, a job which pays £11,500 per annum plus ‘expenses’.
The proposal, which has the full backing of her consultant psychiatrist, is revolutionary in concept. In fact, the proposal was so stunning that the Council was temporarily lost for words when hearing it.
Many have been perplexed as to how an utterly failed UK ex-Minister could have the gall to apply for a job with the GRUC. However, her psychiatrist has stated that she totally lacks any insight into her deplorable long-term mental disorder, which explains why, no matter what the circumstance, she can always be seen speeding around at her height of 3ft 9 inches off the ground, wearing her trade-mark grin-mask.
The kernel of her proposal rests on tricks she has learnt at the feet of her hero, Tory Blur, in that huge sums of money would be saved by sacking all 14,500 staff of the GRUC postal service and replacing them with 4 pensioned-off postmen from Japan.
Blears had to accept that, whilst huge sums of money could be saved in wages (to pay for her expenses claims), her idea did have several fatal flaws.
The first flaw was that she had located only one Japanese postman prepared to come to Relubbus. Mr Kendo Suzuki (pictured left), an 84-year-old from Nagasaki, has just been released from a 40-year sentence in prison for robbery with samurai swords. Whilst willing to attempt the work, he cannot now walk more than half a mile a day.
Further, whilst he is prepared – indeed eager – to leave Japan, he speaks and reads no English and might therefore have practical difficulties in both sorting and delivering mail unless the letters were addressed in Japanese. This would be a rare occurrence in Greater Relubbus -- or anywhere else in Cornwall.
When Billy Spargo, the redoubtable 104-year-old Chairman of the GRUC, described the proposal as ‘bleddy daft’, the midget Blears squeaked in her excitable Salford singsong, “But, your royal majesty, sir, think of the savings we could make….to spend on other things!”
The assembled Council looked on in sad silence at the pathetic spectacle of the benighted, madly-smiling midget who couldn’t see the job losses for the savings. Blears was swiftly dismissed by the Council and her pleas to have her interview expenses paid (apparently £24,000!!! “I came via Tiffany’s in New York”) were laughed out of Boswedden Lane.
ADVERTISEMENT
Come and hear the Boleigh Kami Kaze Electrical String Septet next Tuesday!!
The Boleigh team – all of whom have wills recently prepared by Grasper, Fidget and Swilp, sponsors of this concert – will be performing their arrangement of Handel’s Water Music on Marazion beach in the incoming tide.
As anyone not from Hayle knows, electricity and water don’t mix and therefore, at some stage in the proceedings, things are expected to ‘hot up’ considerably.
Given this little extra in the musical performance, tickets will cost £15 each, half of which will be donated to the Relubbus Fund for Musicians' Orphans.
New members for the Septet will soon be urgently sought and auditions will be held next Wednesday evening at 7.00pm at the “Under the Leg” Hall in Morvah Avenue, Relubbus.
BROWN BEGS SPARGO FOR GUIDANCE!
Gordon Brown (55), the embattled and beleaguered UK Prime Minister, has appealed from the 
sodden dark depths of desperation in his bunker in No 10 Downing Street to Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo (99) for guidance on how to deal with the explosive and corrosive impact of the revelations of the unbelievable expenses excesses of the thoroughly discredited Westminster political poltroons pretending to represent the 'interests of the people'.
Spargo took the call whilst at Prospidnick House, his official residence at the midway point along world-famous Boswedden Lane.
Under the provisions of the Relubbus Freedom of Information Act, the transcript of the telephone call was made available to the panting hordes of the Relubbus press pack only seconds after it was concluded.
Amidst frequent sobs from those famously saggy baggy eyes and in a doom-laden voice redolent of wits end having been passed many moons ago, Gordon Brown gushed: “Your Holiness, is that you? Please, Councillor Spargo, tell me that it is you!”
Billy Spargo (amidst noises of flushing water): “This ‘ad better be good, you jes’ caught me in the only place I can get sum peace an’ quiet!”
Gordon Brown: “In the notes Tony left for me, it says that when things get really tough, I should call this Relubbus number and ask for Councillor Spargo!!....It is you, isn’t it, this is not some trap dreamt up by those Tory toff bastards!”
Billy Spargo (to the noise of paper sheets being methodically and authoritatively ripped off the roll): “Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on Brown - I’m nearly finished in ‘ere, boy an’ I aren’t ‘angin’ about – I got the former - and the present - Madame Sarkozy waitin’ outside ‘ere fer me!”
Gordon Brown: “Morley’s been claiming £16,000 for a mortgage he didn’t have, Prescott has claimed £5,000 for a gastric band and the same amount for two re-inforced toilet seats, Darling has claimed £9,000 for two penis extensions and….(he breaks down into uncontrollable sobs)…every bloody bastard has been at it!
"Of course, the Tories have been much worse, Mr and Mrs Mackay have claimed £280,000 between them and Hague has spent nearly as much in a forlorn attempt to on grow a proper thatch of hair! Douglas Pigg has even had his moat cleaned out at taxpayers’ expense.
"I am trying to play the noble statesman card, but it isn’t working. Please, just tell me what do I do?”
Billy Spargo, washing his hands with Trevarno soap lovingly fashioned for him by Betsy Pengelly (27 and pictured left), thought briefly about the UK Prime Minister’s manufactured mess and was about to reply, when Gordon Brown’s desperate whimpering noises were drowned out by the insistent sound of the pips, which were a sign that Gordon’s last 50 pence had been used up.
Reflecting that Gordon’s desperate cost-savings measures had gone a step too far by introducing payphones across Downing Street, Billy adjusted his truss, saluted the flag of Greater Relubbus and set off towards the two panting French females who were also desperate for his attention.
BIG CAT-LOVER EXPOSED AS BIG-CAT LOVER!
The Carnyorth cultural establishment was rocked and shaken to its foundations yesterday by the publication of a ‘compromising photograph’ showing Madron Polkinghorne (49), the revered Chairman of the Carnyorth Cultural Institute and Big Cat Zoo seemingly involved in “an irregular activity” with a large cat in a pond.
Mr Polkinghorne, a flamboyantly colourful character with odd habits and questionable personal hygiene standards, used to work as a delivery driver for the St Erth Creamery until it closed down.
As soon as he moved to Carnyorth from somewhere ‘up country’ in the Camborne area, he became a keen member of the 4,700 strong Carnyorth Cultural Institute, participating with enormous enthusiasm in all events until he was elected chair.
The Institute was devoted to the practical arts and its courses and seminars drew aspiring artists, sculptors and writers from as far as New Mill.
Polkinghorne was sometimes controversial, as, for instance, when he suggested that he should become the first full-time paid employee of the Institute on a salary funded by levying an annual fee of £1,000 per member. Polkinghorne was quick to point out that some of the £4.7 million raised in this manner inevitably went on unavoidable annual running costs, such as paying for his Porsche and driver. He insisted that, after necessary deductions of this sort, he was lucky to be taking home £500,000.
He attracted yet further controversy when he proposed that he should ‘road-test’ the female life models. However, his devotion to the success of the Institute was such that even his initial detractors came to be his supporters.
As Chairman, Polkinghorne, describing himself as a big cat lover, persuaded the Institute that a “Big Cat Zoo” with lions, tigers, cheetahs, panthers, leopards and jaguars would be a natural extension of the Institute’s activities. Polkinghorne then spent much of his time – alone – in the company of the cats.
Yesterday’s photograph – snapped by a passing Salvation Army collector (Miss Doreen Andrewartha (109)), who was as surprised as Polkinghorne evidently was – clearly shows both parties – Polkinghorne and a lioness known as ‘Betty’ – in a pond together with no clothes on.
Being ‘discovered’ in this manner clearly put both of them off their stroke. Betty retired, muttering disconsolate growls, to her pen, whilst Polkinghorne was busy shouting pathetically unbelievable excuses to the hastily retreating Salvation Army collector.
The RSPCA (The Relubbus Society for the Protection of Cruelly–treated Animals) has been called in and there is talk of Polkinghorne being dragged before the Relubbus courts. The Roundup will remain on the case!
CLASSIFIEDS
RELUBBUS CORRESPONDENCE COURSES CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!
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Offers you 5 life-changing correspondence courses:
1. How to make millions from the New York and Crowlas art markets!
2. DIY Home nuclear fusion kit for under £15 – free energy!
3. The triangle as a means of communicating with alien beings.
4. Home alchemy and how to change sea water into Rioja wine
5. DIY Cosmetic dentistry for under £5
Each course costs just £25 or get all 5 for just £160.
Cornish People – Stay in Cornwall for your holiday!
The 400 bed Kernewek Kemmyn Hotel (formerly ‘the George’) opens its doors to Cornish people only and operates a strictly ‘No English’ policy.
This means that no one can stay unless they can demonstrate Cornish ancestry on both sides for the last ten generations.
The ‘No English policy’ also applies to language – no English words can be used in the hotel or its grounds. For this reason, the Hotel is an ideal environment for anyone seeking an intensive Kernewek Kemmyn experience. Users of other orthographies are NOT permitted, being even less welcome than the English themselves.
This unique linguistic experience is available to you at just £140 per person per night!!
The 400 beds are arranged, in four rooms or dormitories, in sextuple-decker beds. There is an ensuite (in fact ‘in-room’) toilet in every room (please bring own toilet rolls!).
One of the dorms is for children, another for married men, another for their wives and a fourth for ‘others’
The ‘Full Cornish” breakfast consists of ogs pudden and ogs pudden. For an additional £4 per person, you can have the pudden cooked and accompanied by one fried egg and one rasher of bacon.
RELUBBUS CLASSIFIEDS
Women seeking Men
Normal woman, 31, currently working down Tesco’s on the biscuits and sweets, often mistaken for a young Helen Mirren, into ouija boards, mystic smoke and plastic gnomes WLTM interesting young solvent male who goes commando like me at work. 077652 8765
Free-spirited F, 72, 8 ft tall ex-librarian seeks male Anglican tango dancer of similar height and age in Madron. 077432 8761
Lizzie, 5 times divorced, stylish, vivacious, 53 (no STDs). Have received ASBO and face eviction from Colinsey Road home next week. Can offer loving kindness and the odd bit of cleaning and cooking to rich man, preferably living in St Buryan or, possibly, Tregeseal. 077542 5439
Pauline (67), retired builder’s apprentice from Gwavas, can name all the shops on both sides of Market Jew Street from 1905 to the present day. Will be happy to make her special spiced badger patties for the right man who shares her interests. 077652 98632
Men seeking women
Honest ex-Dartmoor inmate (52) seeking to make new life after long stretch (for fraud, not violence) seeks wife (30-35). Able to offer house, car and spending money. Must be a looker – absolutely no mingers! 077634 4532
Defrocked priest, keen handyman (42) , currently living with mother, clean driving licence, told by mother must go or give up collection of 320 budgies. Urgently seeking new billet with understanding woman who will share fondness of budgies. Also must be very careful not to get shampoo into my eyes on Saturday bath nights. 077653 5632
Young multi-millionaire (23), with body like 007, has temporary cash flow problem and is finding it difficult to keep the souped-up Ford Anglia on the road. Needs help from loaded female who likes fast cars. Interviews at No 123 Colinsey Road on Tuesday evening at 9.00pm.
Special Needs
One-legged homosexual postman from Sennen (late fifties and shy), not yet come out, seeks discreet similar, preferably also from Sennen. 077864 6531
Will ‘Nigel of Porthgwarra’ who ‘phoned offering to help us with the problem ‘phone me back, as I have lost his number. We manage up to a point, but then the bag breaks. Arnold 077885 4321
Bill of Gulval (59) has home-made wooden tandem bike, which he would like to share with left-handed woman of similar age who wears (or can be persuaded to wear) pink old-fashioned National Health glasses.
EUROVISION –- SHOCK AFTER SHOCK!
Millions of people are hoping to view the EUROVISION Song Contest, which this year will take place in Moscow.
However, a select few thousand people who have paid small fortunes to attend and ‘be there’ at the event are expected to be furious when they arrive in Moscow, Russia, only to discover that the EUROVISION Contest is actually taking place in the Moscow Stadium in Relubbus, frequently referred to amongst the Cornish cultural cognoscenti as simply ‘Moscow’, as in the phrase “Goin up Moscow tonight, aree?”.
The glittering 90,000 seater Moscow stadium was opened only last year by 104-year-old Councillor Billy Spargo’s pride and joy, his 22-year-old great granddaughter, Tilly Bunt.
Tilly, pictured here on the left wearing clothes, is the well-known burlesque performer who has stormed the far West.
In her 10 month career so far in working men's clubs in and around Crowlas, Tilly has already earned enough to purchase outright a £150,000 estate in St Buryan, as well as a sumptuous £29,000 pad in Adelaide Street, Penzance.
The stadium is shown here on the left in a picture with beautiful Chinese TV reporter, Liu Jingwen.
Liu has come to Relubbus to cover the great event because of the surprise Chinese entry from Mao Ze Dong called “Just Me and my Little Red Book”.
This is believed to be the very FIRST posthumous entry ever in EUROVISION. Precisely how the Chinese will overcome the customary motionlessness associated with being dead is unknown, although experts are expecting a lot of flashing lights on the ‘box’ as well as furious activity from the supporting 150-strong dance troupe. None of the dancers is over the age of 11. This is seen as an attempt to provide a counter-balance to the undeniably deceased state of the ‘singer’.
The Chinese entry is expected to do well because of tactical voting on behalf of the many countries which are looking to China to help pull them out of recession.
However, despite this in-built advantage for the Chinese, all the smart money will be on the late entry from Latvia featuring two Lesbians, Laima and Ludis.
The self-sytyles "Two Lovelies" are singing their own creation Lovegirls’ Lullaby, accompanied by the Riga Harmonica Orchestra of People of Restricted Growth.
This entry is expected to attract a huge loyalty vote from Lesbians throughout the EU, including from certain well-known Penzance guest houses. Bookmakers are now refusing to take bets on the two girls.
What will the result be? Well, wait and see, but you can be sure that the Roundup will be there to report it all for you!!
