DON'T BE A LONELY HEART AT CHRISTMAS!!!

Kerensa “Twiggy” Ellis (29) is a sweet affectionate girl and the only child of “Scrammy Ass” and Doris Ellis of Colinsey Road, Penzance. Kerensa, who has inherited her father’s unfortunate problem, is pictured here two months before receiving the electronic tag she now has to wear for one year.

Having badly damaged her previous boyfriend in what she terms a ‘punishment squashing’,"’cos ee wuz lookin’ at other maids”, she is now looking for a new love in her life.

One unfortunate result of her evening curfew is that she has lost her job as female nightclub bouncer. “I ‘ad to make sure they scrubbers didn’t get too pissed up and cause no trouble. If they did, I give’ m a quick squashing to sort ‘n out!”

Kerensa’s psychiatrist says that he is sure that she has a tender side but warns young suitors to make a very gentle start in trying to locate it. BOX 564

Doreen Hottartt (39) is a specialist stilt ballet instructress from up Pendeen, working, as her job title might imply, with vertically challenged people. Although her photo doesn’t show it, Doreen is 7ft 6 ins tall and so she is looking for a tall man.

As she says herself “No use lookin’ up Pendeen. Tallest one up ‘ere is Lofty Penrose and ee’s oney 6ft 5ins – a bleddy shortass compared to me!”

Doreen can play the piano and always has TWO clean pairs of underwear on her, in case of accident. She is proud of her own saffron cake and bakes pasties three times a week. Vanity prevents this charming treasure of a young woman from wearing her hearing aid, and so suitors are asked to speak up or learn sign language. BOX 782

Angelina Jolie-Smut is a cute little 89 year old from Ludgvan. With 5 husbands behind her, Angie is unlikely to be coy on her first new date. As she says, “70 year ago, I used to kep the boys waitin’ fer at leas’ 2 days. Neow, I aren’t gunn fart roun’ – I may not be ‘ere tomorrow!” Consequently she guarantees that any young blade (and only those between the ages of 18 and 29 may apply!) will strike lucky first night.

Angie says that all her bottom teeth are her own and she “d’like t’be partikler about ‘ealth. I duh ‘ave a bath very Febree – ready fer the Spring!” BOX 938

Chris (from Badgers Cross and just 32) is looking for love. Chris is one of those ‘special’ people. So special in fact that Chris’s mum called her child Chris to cover all eventualities. Chris is now 32 and still no one is sure. However, who cares?

Chris has a full-time job as back-up for all the automatic milking machines in West Penwith.

Accordingly, Chris has a moped that goes with the job. Chris will be allowed to use this vehicle to meet anyone – man or woman – who wishes to get to know Chris better.

Sunday paper reporters are not welcome. BOX 481

Clive Stunk (41) is an unemployed ‘large cat trainer’ from Ponsanooth. As he has not been able to find employment opportunities in West Penwith in his chosen profession, because of the total absence of ‘large cats’, he has scratched a living shooting vermin and lost emmets for farmers in the vicinity.

Clive has been solitary largely through shyness. After prolonged treatment to cure him of his close attachment to his favourite tree (which was “cruelly” cut down), Clive would now like to explore relationships with others (people, not trees).

Clive lives in a grove of trees in Sancreed. He owns nothing but a fresh leotard and loves to live ‘au naturel’. He is interested in contact from females (preferably, but not necessarily, women - females from other species might be acceptable). BOX 664

Daniel White-Eye (53), who lives in a bin near Crows-an-Wra, is a champion of equal rights for ex mental patients.

He has battled incontinence – and he claims, with an unnerving chuckle, “in continents unknown” -- and has emerged as ‘a real catch’ "for some woman who idn' too partuklar – which is good as I aren’t particular nether!” BOX720

“Maids ahoy!!!” Watch out girls, because Mammie’s boy Madron Tregear (20) is now back ‘ere!!

Now that her son, Madron, has returned from his six months stay with the International Sea Scouts at their boys only camp in Castro, San Francisco, mawther is keen for him to meet some girls and is willing to pay “any decent maid, who idn' too gobby to g’wout wid’un”. Applicants must be female – of any age – who enjoy a challenge in a man and who yearn to do washing and ironing, darning socks, baking pasties and cakes. BOX 448

CELEBRITIES SPEAK OUT AGAINST THE NEW UNITARY AUTHORITY!

The Cartwrights of BONANZA (the hit Relubbus TV programme) – Ben, Adam, Hoss and Little Joe -- will be at the Wimpy Bar in Market Jew Street, Penzance next Monday between 10.00 am and 12.00 noon to sign autographs of their new book “5,456 reasons to oppose the Unitary Authority in Truro”.

The Cartwrights, who bought a ranch out near St Buryan back in 1964, are aid to be "mighty displeased" about the introduction of the Unitary Authority.

Ben Cartwright said that he had felt very well served by Penwith District Council, which offered a realistically local level of interaction between Council and people. The way things were going they might just have to saddle up and head out to Truro for a shoot-out with Lavery, the new Sheriff they do not like.

An alternative action would be to remove to the remit of the Greater Rubbus Urban Council (GRUC), which is led by the inspired leader, Billy Spargo (105).

Ernest Hemingway is usually reported as having sadly taken his own life in 1961. However, there are people in Morvah, who maintain that this is simply not so.

Now reportedly a reclusive but still very active writer living on the outskirts of Morvah, Hemingway is said to have produced several new books.

Amongst them are “To have a Unitary Authority and to have not Unity”, “The Bell Tolls for the Unitary Authority” and “A Farewell to the Unitary Authority.”

Meanwhile, in Urbs Relubbana, the miraculously surviving Roman colony in Cornwall, another mighty voice is raised – no less than that of Marcus Porcius Cato Uticensis. Once believed to have died long ago in 46 BC, this tenacious old man is in fact apparently still holding on in Urbs Relubbana.

After a distinguished career as a Stoic philosopher, politician and statesman, he is now working as a tour guide in the Roman colony and is said to be doing very well on it too.

In a surprise announcement he said, “Lavery non est probus. Lavery scelestus est!” This is believed to be a reference to the super-generous remuneration paid to the CEO of the new Cornwall Council, who earns more than the Prime Minister of Britannia. Cato is also believed to be angered that the will of Cornish voters was ignored.

Enjoying a posthumous holiday in St Buryan, great American comedienne and actress Lucille Ball, a mere 20 years dead, has been seen dallying with killer West Cornwall Lothario, Dan Kernow, deceased Penzance fish shop owner, in and around Penzance.

The happy couple have been spotted in Morrison’s, the Penzance Bookshop, the Exchange, Morrab Library, the Alexandra Inn (5 nights running) and even in the famed Diw Vowes lesbian guest house.

Lucille, once her lips could be prised from Stan’s limpet kiss, said, “This Unitary Council is a complete disaster and travesty of democracy!”

Fresh from their recent triumph at the Relubbus Panopticon Theatre, Pinky and Perky, the much-loved porcine pair who now have a love-nest in Gurnards Head, the gay (yes, their closely-guarded secret is now out!) piggy capital of Cornwall, also found time to express their outrage about the undemocratic process which led to the introduction of a Unitary Authority above the expressed will of the Cornish people.

Said a trembling Perky (on the left of the picture), “I know of no one – be they human or porcine – who actually voted for a Unitary Authority. It has taken decision-making away from the people at local level. It gives folks nothing and is about as helpful as me voting for pork pies!”

The Roundup will report on further celebrity interest in this matter, as it arises.

TEENAGERS TO VOTE ON RELUBBUS' MOST POPULAR SONG

Youngsters in and around Relubbus will surely be thrilled to have the opportunity of selecting their most favourite popular song at a special Youngsters' Gala night at the internationally renowned Relubbus Panopticon Theatre next Saturday night.

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo (108) has helped the youngsters by selecting for them eight all time greats from which to choose their favourite song and the eight greats are:

1. I do like to be beside the seaside
2. Goin' up Cambern 'ill
3. I'm Henery the Eighth I am
   
4. Where did you get that hat?
5. Hello! Hello! Who's your lady friend?
6. Hold your hand out naughty boy!
7. It's a long way to Tipperary
8. Waiting at the Church

The songs will be performed by two alternating groups, both well-known to the young Cornish audience - namely The Nancledra Black and White Gay Barber Shop Quartet and the Kkenidjack Kkernewek Kkemmyn Kkaraokke Ensemble (with ever popular organ soloist Onan Weebles).

Smart money in internet betting circles seems to indicate that "Goin up Cambern 'ill" is the runaway favourite.

The event is open to any youngsters between the age of 15 and 21. The Panopticon can accomodate 40,000 people and the event is expected to be packed out on the night.

Girls will sit on the left of the theatre and the boys will sit on the right, whilst the gangway between them will be patrolled by members of the Young Methodist Women's League against 'Goings on'.

Councillor Spargo has asked that the doors be opened at 3.30 pm to let the audience in so that the four hour event will be over in good time to allow the youngsters to get home early to bed for Chapel next morning.

The compere of the event will be the all-time kiddies' favourite Mr Pastry, pictured here far left.

However, everyone is expecting Pinky and Perky to put in an appearance as well to amuse the boys and girls.

The two little piggies seem to have a cult status amongst the young folk of Relubbus.

We asked some youngsters what they thought about this superb entertainment event.


Christine Slut, a 19 year old self-employed 'pole dancer' from Sancreed, said, "Well, it makes a change from walking the streets, so I'm up for it!"


Nigel Botheras, a 20 year old trolley operative apprentice from Pendeen said, "If it means a free bus out of Pendeen, I'm yer man!"


Kerensa Trewhela, a 21 year old 'junya' from the Relubbus branch of the internationally renowned Shelley's Hair and Beauty said, "Luvlee! When all they people duh see my 'air, they might as' me to do theirs too!"

Of course, the Roundup will be there to report on this Youngsters' event of the year.










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CHRISTMAS WONDERLAND AT OATES OF RELUBBUS

R C Oates Superstore opens its Christmas Wonderland on Tuesday 1^st December!!

Christmas is coming and there are lots of preparations to be made.

With Oates of Relubbus, you need have no fears – all your needs will be met. So Hurry Along!!

Mr Oates himself, as the photo shows, is eagerly awaiting you all with his customary smile to wish a very Merry and exceedingly Jolly Christmas.

The first two ladies to cross the door will receive a glass of SNOWBALL complete with glacé cherry – absolutely FREE!!

Inside there are loads of presents for all the family! But that's not all!!

We not only have presents for ladies and gents and children, we also have the largest range (outside Brighton) of presents specifically for the Lesbian, Gay, Transgender and Bisexual community. We even have presents for you, if you are just feeling a bit queer! So come inside and check out the huge range in our sixteen floor department store.

For Kiddies!!

We have gone out of our way to make sure that the kiddies have lots of Christmas fun.

Get the brand new game of RISK. This is a board game involving armies and the winner is the one who takes over the world!

Includes lifelike masks of Bush, Blair, Sadaam and Ghaddafi and all your favourites! Just £47!!

Get a super BOY'S OWN Annual!!

This is packed from cover to cover with stories that will keep the kids (and dads!) laughing all Christmas day!

Includes a whoopee cushion and three packs of Polkinghorne’s famous FART powder!! Just £24!!

Keep your little laddie happy with a DAVY CROCKETT outfit. All the boys will want one.

Make sure that your little laddie is not disappointed. Just £195 for the real Beaver fur version!! NB Knife is razor sharp!!!

Get the whole family playing SWACK. This super game will get them thinking! Features questions on mental arithmetic, history, geography and other core school subjects.

Each player puts their fingers in a steel-toothed mousetrap and- if they get the answer wrong – it’s SWACK! Just £75!! (comes with FREE starter medical kit!)

For Women!!
Our in-store branch of Shelley’s Hair and Beauty will be offering mince pies, mulled wine and nipples for everyone between 4.30pm and 4.49 pm on the day.

Other offers include:

2.7% off all our treatments for fat people!

£50 off our famous oxyacetylene treatment for nails (now down to only £750!!)

5% off spot squeezers (2^nd hand only) and other used beauty tools!

New £3 chemical blue rinse treatment for old folk – with free wig when it goes wrong!

Get your teeth tattooed with your lover’s name for only £938!

Plus lots more!!

Such as ….the special guest appearance of Frank Ifield singing his latest hit

“I remember you” at 4.42 pm.

For Men!!

Useful books:

Britain by B Roads

Miming ‘Cornishman in the Rain’ and other great impressions

Sewer fishing guide

How to play Trampoline Chess

How to get away with Murder

How to pick nose, ears and teeth without damaging vital organs

Also brand new consignment of Hungarian Nylon Drip-dry shirts in for neck size 12” and 21” only!!!

Finally…..

The RC Oates sponsored Christmas Panto will be taking place once again at the 3^rd Relubbus Scout Hut. A full costume rehearsal is shown in the picture on the left.

A surprise member of the cast is none other than Greater Relubbus Urban Council Leader, Billy Spargo (106). He is in heavy disguise.

A generous prize (worth £7,000!!) awaits the first reader, who correctly identifies which one of the cast members is the great Billy Spargo and who qualifies according to all the selection criteria.

Readers must send in their ‘guess’ in a sealed envelope, marked “Where’s Spargo competition?” and containing a £10 note. They must also enclose a stamped addressed envelope together with a haiku in medieval Albanian on the subject of in-growing toenails.

The readers that achieve this then qualify for the last leg of the competition, which is the four mile swim across Mounts Bay to be completed in under 35 minutes.

The eventual winner than receives a free night of passion with celebrated Madron courtesan Chlamydia Trewhela (39).

Yes, Christmas is coming…………

THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME IN BRITAIN!

By Cassius Dink, Professor of Modern Politics at Relubbus Oates University

There are those who might think that it is of little concern to the fortunate folk of Relubbus what transpires in the lands beyond Cornwall. In a sense, this is correct, since the economic might of Relubbus frees it from any concerns arising from the plunging fate of the UK, but it would be impolite to ignore what happens in that benighted state.

Furthermore, my professorial focus obliges me to map and comment upon not only the deliberations of state in Relubbus but also upon the fate of lesser states. Accordingly, I present my view of the twisting yarn of fate in the UK.

Skewered on the twisting spike of his own inadequacies, Gordon Brown, the bruised and bloodied bull of British politics retires from view each day to lick his wounds and to avoid the cruel barbs of the frenzied mob and the burning comment of the blazing Sun, before emerging to get battered yet again.

It is at this point that we must pause from viewing this scene of his daily humiliation to take a look at one who would claim to be his likely successor.

Political son of Tony Blair and grandson of St Margaret of Finchley, David Cameron (pictured here with his principal Etonian pal, Osborne) has wide-ranging plans to reform the British State and we take a look at some of these.

Having analysed information from Tory HQ generously supplied to me by the Relubbus Intelligence Police (known by comics as “The Undead” after their acronym RIP), I will comment on 5 Cameron levers of change, which reveal the essence of his true plan, which is to shrink (that’s not ‘sink’ – Ed) the State of Britain.

Disadvantaged Heroes

Cameron believes that the real heroes of Britain are those noble folk, who take on the burden of expenditure in place of the State. This happens in, say medicine or education, where private individuals opt out of claiming on the state-provided service and pay privately for their needs, as Cameron’s daddy did, in his own case, by paying for him to go to Eton.

These selfless heroes pay via National Insurance for the education and medical treatment of others (such as the labouring man on the left) whilst, at the same time, paying huge extra amounts to cover the cost of their own education and medicine privately.

A Cameron government sees provision of tax relief for these heroes as an early priority.

Under a Cameron true blue Tory government, the full cost of private education and medicine will, in future, be able to be off-set against tax in order to relieve the undue financial pressures on these selfless heroes.

Help for handicapped private schools

Whilst State schools enjoy huge flows of money from the taxpayer to completely support them, struggling private schools (such as Eton - here left) up and down the country enjoy no such help. Whilst they may be outstanding providers of quality education, they have to struggle, along with the self-sacrificing parents of their pupils, to carefully husband precious resources in order to keep standards up.

A Cameron government will halve the money currently being handed over to the State sector and pass it on to the hard-pressed private sector. With tears welling up in his eyes, Cameron has often been heard to say “I will even things up a bit. As a member of Eton’s 6^th reserve croquet team, it was source of great shame that we couldn’t afford to have our own croquet lawn just like the other five teams."

Civil service shake-up – here come Windsor Associates

The staff of the Civil service will be reduced to zero and the paltry few ‘necessary’ functions that remain will be taken up by a private firm called Windsor Associates. Like the Tory front bench most of the staff will be ex-Etonians, as the name gives away. However, to prove absence of bias and even-handedness, some staff might be drawn from other public schools like the ranks of Harrow or even, at a pinch, Stowe.

Plans show that Windsor Associates will supply 12 staff to take over the Treasury, 12 staff to take over the Foreign Office, the Home Office and the Ministry of Defence and all remaining departments will be closed with their prime central London locations to be sold off to raise urgently required funds.

Social Inclusion

Baroness Warsi of Dewsbury will spearhead the reform of British society, which is the primary goal of the Cameron Tory government. Labour seems to have prided itself on looking after the interests of the many.

However, under Labour rule, no one was looking after the interests of minorities, such as the very few people who earn in excess of £5 million a year. Warsi will change all that. She will be assisted in this task by Jonathan Woss, a member of a tiny oppressed minority of £6 million plus per annum earners, who will join her in the Lords as Baron Wossi of Wadio.

Under a new Tory government, Warsi and Wossi are understood to have agreed to immediately end all benefits payments – for ever. Millions of people have been receiving handouts totalling billions each year. Speaking in her fluent Dewsbury, Warsi is quoted as saying, “the kuntry kant afford it n’ more. It’s time for tuff luv!”

This policy will be buttressed and supported by a new Act of Enclosure.

The Act of Enclosure

Large areas of the UK will be ‘enclosed’ or fenced off. These will automatically include the Council Estates (like the one shown here) on which most former benefits recipients live and any other former benefits recipients will be shipped into the enclosed areas.

This action will lead to vast savings. ‘Enclosees’ will be required to ‘stand on their own two feet’. They will receive no State aid. There will be no policing, no free hospitals, no free doctors. However, there will be banks and shops, private healthcare providers – all the facilities of modern life, all heavily guarded and available to anyone at all – at a price.

These are just some of the secret plans of Leader Cameron, who sees himself as the man, the Leader, who can lead the country out of the economic mire into which the Labour party has taken it.

Indeed, it has emerged that, in the comfort of his own bath tub, he would prefer to be known, following his link up with certain right wing groups in Europe, by the German version of his title, der Führer.

Rupert Murdoch, the saintly mega multimedia Australian press Overlord has himself deigned to support Cameron. He has instructed his roboslaves in Sky and the paper rags he commands to ‘put the bloody knife in Brown and give it a daily twist from me! He was me best mate once, but now he looks like a bloody loser, hang ‘im out to dry!’

Speaking to Cameron from the luxurious confines of the outback dunny, in which he believes he makes his best contributions to life, he was overheard telling Cameron that there is no such thing as a free lunch. He is said to have instructed that Cameron must get the Queen to abdicate and offer the throne to “my boy, James”.

So, one wonders, will he do it? Well, Cameron has been overheard by the RIP singing in his bath tub “King James’s men will understand what Cameron's lads can do….”

Don’t miss the next 'Christmas Preparations' special issue of the RELUBBUS ROUNDUP!!!

LONG ROCK COUPLE CELEBRATE 35 YEARS OF MARRIED BLISS

Ethel and Madron Batten (both 56) are Long Rock born and bred and very proud of it, as indeed they are also hugely proud of the fact that neither of them has ever been further than 5 miles from Long Rock. As Madron says “there’s no place better, not even Trura, although I ebbent bin there!”

Proud of their Long Rock origins, Ethel likes, for obvious reasons, to keep quiet the fact that her great grandmother came from St Buryan. “She was orright really, bless ‘er soul. She couldn’t ‘elp it, could she? Some one ‘aev got to come from Burryan.”

Ethel makes wigs “fer bald ‘orses” and works from the comfort of the marital home, which is a handcrafted and lovingly maintained shed by the hedge in the field behind the house in Darlington Road with a swimming pool.

Madron is a proud man, who claims never to have taken a penny from the ‘soshul’ and has held down a wide range of jobs, from Lollipop man to pet shop owner to part-time scarecrow and air traffic controller (we are checking this last claim – Ed).

The much-loved couple are regarded as the social glue of Long Rock Society with Ethel being a mainstay of the local WI and acting as resident jam and cake judge for over 24 years.

For his part, Madron has held the title of ‘Mouse breeder of West Cornwall’ for forty years and he is known for always having a mouse or two secreted about his person. He calls the females “Kitty”, which he thinks is very witty, whilst all the males are known as “Little Willy”.

Madron had been the local Father Christmas for 30 years until his ill-advised proposal to offer extra sweeties to the kiddies, if they could find his “Little Willy”. Despite the widely accepted innocence of this idea, it was agreed that it was now perhaps high time time for the red coat to be handed on.

Incurious about life further up Cornwall, the blessed duo have no knowledge or interest in anything which takes place outside West Cornwall, let alone Cornwall itself or beyond Cornwall. Says Ethel, “Long Rock’s enough fer we and Ludgvan itself is almost too much!”

Two years ago they won a holiday to California but they gave it way. Says Madron, “We aren’t interested in Californee. P’zance is as far as wot we wunta go. We went there fer ar huneemum one afternoon 35 years ago. I got dizzy jes lookin at everythin’. We ad to come ‘ome in the evening as I couldn’ take no more."

Holding hands for the camera, this loving Long Rock couple declared that they were now well set for the next 35 years.