UK ELECTION REPORT

From Chief Political Editor Denzil Archilaus Treglown-Trevail, shown here reading his own article

The countdown to the Westminster elections has begun and the political parties are flexing their muscles for the quinquennial "I'm tons better than you" playground tussle, which is relied upon to deliver government in the UK.  Well, you get what you deserve!

Meanwhile UK citizens look, in a mix of stupefaction and sheer envy, at Relubbus, and the benevolent dictatorship of  His Sereneness Grand Council Leader Billy Spargo (124), whose charmed presence causes the state of Relubbus to rise from strength to strength.

Accordingly, we take a look at how the UK election is shaping up in Cornwall, also taking the the time to look a little more closely at some of the fringe parties that are dreaming that now their time has come.

Whilst in the UK generally the Conswervative party seems to have managed to acquire a following of, at least, three or four in some major towns and cities, in the Duchy of Cornwall there are only two Conswervatives, shown here out canvassing. 

They are "Binky" Stopes-Mubbsley-Thorpe (31) and his old dormie pal, "Stinky" Chunderthwaite-Pithley-Twat (31).  Both chaps went to Eton College and had 'a damned good time'!  Both then went into City brokerage firms (co-incidentally owned  by their fathers) and, despite losing very large sums of money, still managed to secure "a bloody serious bonus, old chum!"

They are non-doms for UK tax purposes and insist that they maintain this unpopular tax-evading status only out of solidarity with the deputy chairman of the Conswervatives (Lawd Arsecross, 'the Belize Bulldozer') and not because it saves "absolutely spiffingly large wads of cash!"

Binky sums thing up for both of them when he says, "We chaps from Eton bloody well know what's good for us and also what's good for the oiks!  As good old Cammie-Khazi and Ozzie say - good Eton chaps both, don'tcha know - 'You can't get better than an Eton boater!' Vote Tory, we say!"

Many Kernow-watchers are amazed to discover that UKIP are at all active here, given that it is a party dominated by Little Englanders who don't care two hoots for Cornwall. 

It is also a source of open wonder that anyone in Cornwall can be found to stand for UKIP, when it is led by folk of the depressing calibre of the so dismally mentally-equipped Nige "Brain" Damage. 

Nige surpassed himself recently, when, clearly wetting himself with the excitement of being on camera again, he proceeded to insult the recently chosen, and now wholly bemused, European President, the Right Herbert Rumpy Pumpy.  Struggling to contain himself, Nige stated that Herbert had the charisma of a wet rag and the appearance of a low grade bank clerk, wholly overlooking the fact that he himself had the charisma of a low grade bank clerk and was obviously apparelled in very recently wetted rags. 

Clearly, in the European Parliament as elsewhere, birds of a feather will flock together.  Pundits reckon that, with administering of enough medication, UKIP could garner as many as 6, or possibly 7, votes in Cornwall.

The Methodist Fundamentalist Party (MFP), led by the Ayafella Oweedoinov AlKammbronn (150), has a strong following all over Cornwall.  Unlike mainstream Methodists, the MFP (sometimes known as the 'Cornish Taliban') represent an extreme form of their faith. 

They are utterly opposed to "drinkon', dancon', gamblon' and any wurkatha devil".  This latter category includes Darwin's teachings, Tesco, the motor car, toothpaste and the internet. 

The MFP stands for the banning of all English influences in Cornwall and for the introduction of pasties as the obligatory daily midday meal.  Everyone will be required to consume, at least, a "quarter a cream" daily. 

The MFP's election campaign is in the capable hands of Tommy Trembath (32) and his friend Billy Jory (29), pictured above.  The MFP is reckoned to be able to command 7.5% of the Cornish vote.

Druids of the Lodge of the Heamoor Bus Stop are campaigning on a pagan ticket. Their leader, Archdruid Lenny Gwavas (68) believes that the dawning of the age of druidism in Cornwall is nigh.  Fervent nationalists, they also believe that Cornwall should adopt paganism as the state religion once independence has been achieved.

Lenny himself is standing in the St Ives constituency and is relying on "they dencin' girls tuh bring in the votes fer we". 

Lenny has a group of five ladies who energetically campaign for him throughout West Penwith.  These ladies - all of whom work in Morrison's - are pictured here dancing at an election rally at the Minack.  For decency's sake, they are pictured here before they reached the nude sequence of their "offering in dance". 

They are, from the left, Rose Trenwith (62), Letitia Lutey (55), Geraldine Wakfer (72), Marcia Pender (63) and David Bolitho (53).  Lenny is confident that he will secure at least five votes.

Most people probably didn't even know that there was a Gay Shellfish-Processors Party (GSP) and some doubt its ability to appeal to those outside its primary target group of homosexuals employed in the shellfish processing industry. 

However the GSP candidate, Willy Trezise (43), pictured here with his husband, Billy Pender, is confident that the GSP will win in West Penwith.

He modestly declares, "I gotunall sussed out.  I aren't prejudiced 'genst people 'oo aren't queer.  They kent 'elpit.  Live and let live, tha's what I duh say.  Free bus travel fer Cornish people throughout the worl'.  Abolish income tax fer everyone 'oodern less than £25,000 a year.  Intreduce income tax o' 99% fer all they buggers 'oodern morn £30,000 a year.  Intreduce wealth tax o' £50,000 a year ferall they buggers 'oo got 'ouse worth morn £500,000.  I'll sortunall out faree!"

Election watchers estimate that the GSP will secure around 23% of the Cornish vote.

SPORTS NEWS

by special Sports Correspondent Tommy "Balls" Wakfer

LADIES NEED MALE MEMBERS!

There is one thing on which all the ladies of the Badgers Cross Badminton Club (BCBC) would agree - they definitely need male members.

BCBC has a membership of thirty six.  The trouble is that they are all ladies. 

They know that they must woo male players, but their sharply divided opinions on how to achieve this objective have split this once happy club (as one can see from the photo) right down the middle, exposing mutually hostile class divisions.

It all started when Aggie Trembath (31) placed a controversial poster on the walls of the local pub and the cricket club. 

Aggie had designed the poster herself and modelled  it on the iconic first world war Kitchener poster. 

It read "BCBC is all shuttle and no cock.  We ladies need male members!"

When word got out about Aggie's initiative, Letitia Chirgwin (29) was livid and set out to rip down and destroy every one of Aggie's posters.

Says Aggie defiantly, a self-employed pig insemination operative, " I cudden bleeve it, I cudden bleddy bleeve what that hoity-toity stuck-up bitch binangonundun!  Sony bitta fun, inna?  What she aff to go do that fer?"

Says Letitia haughtily, a freelance nasal hair trimmer with her own bike, "When I 'eard what that mentalist slapper dun, I went straight roun' the pub and pulled 'er posters deown!  We aren't all scrubbers 'ere like she!  Kommunasmuck she is!  Whatever she like??!"

Half the club supports Letitia and the other half is solidly behind Aggie.  How will it end?  Will the posters re-appear?  Who can say?  However, the Roundup will follow this gripping story.

THIRD PORTHCURNO CAMP TRAINING CAMP A GREAT SUCCESS!

Gays flocked to the Porthcurno Gay University site from all over West Penwith (especially Sancreed and St Buryan) to take part in the third great outdoor "Camp Training Camp."

Readers will recall that this event started up three years ago in honour of outstanding and pioneering local gay, Trenwith Madron Trembath, who sadly passed away in 2007 at the age of 124.

Mr Trembath achieved early fame by becoming the first man to swim the Atlantic - and back - non-stop,  fortified only by one of his mother's notoriously gargantuan pasties.

Trembath was a keen athlete, rugby player and cricketer.  As a young man in a time when there was precious little understanding for those devoted to a love that dared not speak its name, Trembath was a fearless and proud homosexualist, daringly outspoken about his gayness and defiantly setting up home with Reginald Polkinghorne in 1905 in their own little cottage in Porthcurno.  It was, of course, on the site of this cottage that the Porthcurno Gay University was later built.

The "Camp Training Camp" is a three day event in which young men engage in thrilling outdoor exercise with one another.

The snap on the left shows them in the early morning getting ready to partake in piggy back tournaments.  All jolly good fun designed to raise the spirits and strengthen the muscles.

The event has been very well attended this year with over 2,500 participants, including 40 0fficers from Penzance Police Station.

PC Ben Dover (second from the left, sitting on special friend Roger's shoulders) gushed enthusiastically, "I ebbent nevver 'ad s' much fun!  I'll be back 'ere nex' year fer deffinat!"

WEST PENWITH ALMOST DEAD POETS SOCIETY

One of the oldest members of the society, who has hitherto never released any of his poems, has now, at the age of 132, given his deathbed permission to publish one of his works.

Jack Bolitho-Batten, pictured here on the left as young man of 21, was an extremely private individual.  A man of very few spoken words and of sombre cast of mind, he worked for 85 years as a mortician's assistant.  He never married, but as this enigmatic poem reveals, he did know love as a young man growing up in the West Cornwall he loved so well.

REGRETS

'Ands up 'oo walked past midnight from Penzance up to St Just.
'Ands up 'oo felt the comfort of dark quiet Cornish night.
'Ands up 'oo looked from Pendeen corner down upon the bay.
'Ands up 'oo didn't fill with wonder walking out that way.

I seen un and I felt un and it was sum smuckin fart:
I seen the sparkling stars and glinting sea,
I seen the shadow geography of West Penwith,
I seen un all laid out 'ere before me.

I wadden the first to clap my eyes on this vocal majesty,
I wadden the first to feel the blonging in my gut.
I wadden the first to feel 'er warmth still in my fingertips,
I wadden the first to see 'er clearly with eyes all shut.

I couldn' wait to go back there and see 'er face again,
I couldn' wait to see the laughter in 'er smiles;
I couldn' wait to touch 'er air an kiss er lips again;
I couldn' wait but 'ad to keep on goin a few more miles.

The time 'ave come to shut the lid on my piano.
The time 'ave come to close the music of my song.
That walk I took at midnight was now a long long time ago,
An' she's no more, my lady love - it all went wrong.

Jack Bolitho-Batten (STBD*)

Alice Chirgwin-Jacka, Poetry Correspondent
* Soon To Be Deceased

GURNARDS HEAD BUSINESSWOMAN TO MARRY ALIEN

Well known local businesswoman, sportswoman and fashion icon, Tamsin Pengelly (31) has surprised the tight-knit local community of Gurnards Head by announcing her intention to marry an alien - from beyond the Tamar and, some even say, from beyond our solar system.

Tamsin, a cheery soul, first came to public attention when she won the 1962 Gurnards Head Secretary of the Year competition, easily triumphing over the other 134 contenders with a prototype tazar gun of her own design.

After working for three years as a secretary in the busy Byelorussian Embassy in Gurnards Head, she left to pursue an entrepreneurial career.

It was the that she conceived of the idea that was to make her fortune - the Knitted Teapot.  Everyone was familiar with the idea of a tea cosy fashioned from knitwear, but she wanted to design a fully functional teapot made - entirely - from knitwear.  Thus began months and months of experimentation with different knitting styles and with different wools.

Every attempt was dismissed by Tamsin's supportive mother Aggie (108) with the despairing judgement "Ee duh look orright, but ee duh leak, my livver! Gwon maid, avenuther go!"

Soon Tamsin became such a frequent visitor to the Penzance Reference Library in her diligent quest for a solution that some people came to believe that she worked there.

Eventually her research paid off when she came across news of an entirely unexpected wool source, which she believed might hold the key to her success.  At first she could not believe her eyes as the description appeared to read as some sort of joke.  It spoke of a five-legged wool-bearing pig from the eastern forests of Poland called the Svinochka.  However, this was no joke, the Svinochka did exist. Tamsin had 100 test animals imported from Poland to Gurnards Head and then made two happy discoveries.

Firstly, the novel pig wool retained hot fluids perfectly and was admirably suited for the purpose of knitting teapots.  Secondly, the Svinochka made excellent kosher and halal bacon.

The rest is history.  Tamsin quickly imported 40,000 more Svinochkas and teapot production took off and rocketed.  There was also a nice little sideline in bacon rashers, which could be exported to Saudi Arabia, because they came from wool-bearing pigs.

Tamsin enjoyed the benefits of commercial success for 15 years and basked contentedly in the warmth of public adulation and new-found wealth.  Then she sold her company for £45 million and retired to focus her attention and great talents on raising the profile of underwater tennis.

This had long been a passion of hers, although she had lacked the time to develop her lung capacity to the extent required to stay underwater for an entire set.  She is shown here on the left during a practice session near Newlyn harbour.

However, it was during training in stormy weather off Lands End that she encountered Zygon, her name for her alien love.  She had been holding her breath under water for 45 minutes and had then passed out.  She was then detected by Zygon, an amphibian alien, who is believed to navigate with a form of echo-location and who happened to be floating past.  He/she/it brought her to the surface.

Being a young lady of honour, she felt compelled to give herself to Zygon as a reward to him/her/it  for saving her life. 

During a press conference held yesterday on Falmouth Promenade, the multi-millionaire businesswoman declared her intention to marry Zygon, once she had found a way of communicating with him/her/it - which is her next big project.

The Roundup will keep you informed of further developments.

FOCUS ON TALENT IN RELUBBUS

The Roundup is keen to shine its potent torch of publicity on the many young entrepreneurs who call Relubbus home.  This week we are looking at some of the brightest and best of them.

Pammie Pender (47) is a photographer whose career first started out on the other side of the lens in the days when she was a 'glamour model'. For twenty years from the tender age of 16, Pammie graced the centrefold spread of famous 'top shelf' publications such as Sancreed Plumbing, Tregavarah Gardening Weekly,  Newbridge Knitting and Crochet, Gulval Gas Fittings and Winwaloe Window Cleaning. 

However, gravity gradually took its toll and the commissions started to dry up.  That is when inspiration came to Pammie and she decided to put all her accumulated knowledge of photography into practice - on the other side of the lens.

Her consummate skill is perfectly illustrated in this photograph entitled Timing, which sold last week in the renowned Spargo Auction Rooms for £2,500,000.  Pammie insists that the difference between a good photo and a brilliant one is simply a matter of timing.  One must capture the moment.

In this family shot of the Trevaskises of Lelant (relatives of the fabulously wealthy Relubbus business dynamo W G Trevaskis), the drama is created by the figure of Dick Trevaskis, front left, whose face so clearly betrays the fact that Pammie has managed to fully capture a moment which he would have preferred to remain uncaptured. 

Of course, the involuntary release into his trousers is accompanied by the most frightful odour, but, as the picture clearly shows, this hasn't reached the noses of the others yet.  As Pammie says " 'S all a madderuv timin'!"

You will all have heard of Warren Buffet, but just how many of you have heard of Buffet Warren (29) from up Tregeseal?  He is certainly shaping up quickly to provide stiff competition for the famed American investor.  BMW (as he likes to be known, since his middle name is Madron) set up his hedge fund, Cot Valley Investments, two years ago.  "I duh call it a 'edge fund, cos we got th' edge on they other buggers!"

Cot Valley Investments has so far attracted funds totalling £750,000. These funds all come from the various residents of the Setting Sun old folks home, where BMW continues to work until he manages to register some profits from his investments.   As he cheefully admits, "You wooden bleeve 'ow much money we lost, but, lookin' on the bright side, leasisnot my own money goin' down the drain!"

Nora "Lightning" Behenna (34) is set to turn the world of surgery upside down for three reasons.  Firstly, she charges very little for the often complex operations she performs.  Secondly, she uses no anaesthetics at all.  Thirdly, her only medical instrument is her fretsaw.

What readers will also find amazing is that Nora is a young lady without any formal medical training whatsoever.  Entirely self-taught, she started off by practising exclusively on neighbours' household pets.

Then, after she found out that her boyfriend had been two-timing her, she performed her very first 'radical vasectomy' on him.  This picture was taken of her just after the operation and shows her gleefully holding her fretsaw and triumphantly displaying the freshly severed 'parts' in a plastic bag.

Her secret?  "Speed - thasall there is to un!  I'm finished before they duh knaw I started!"

NEWS ROUNDUP

Ayatollah to buy Morvah shock

Waves of horror, fear, tension and suspense have swept the mainly Methodist-populated hamlet of Morvah, as rumours went around that the Ayatollah Mukhmadji was going to buy up Morvah and the surrounding land, with options on the female inhabitants as wives and concubines and on the male population as eunuch farmers. 

Police Constable Arnold Uren, after painstaking detective work, finally tracked down the instigator of the rumours as none other than the local Co-op milkman, Wilfie Rosewarne (43), (shown on the left) originally a Camborne man. 

Rosewarne, lovestruck with a local woman, thought that such stories might persuade his wavering sweetheart, Edie Harris (48), a Morvah woman and God-fearing Chapel piano-player, into marrying him and settling down with him in his caravan at Eastern Green.

Constable Uren (56), an experienced officer originally from Heamoor, married with two grown up children both locally employed, brought the sheepish Wilfie into the local school to explain his little ruse to the people of Morvah.

Miss Harris was present and broke down in front of the angry crowd, who were restrained from wreaking their vengeance upon Wilfie by the Police reinforcement who had by then cycled in from New Mill to aid PC Uren.

Rosewarne escaped preferring of charges and has emigrated back to Camborne. Mr Ayatollah Mukhmadji (78) (shown left), a resident of the holy city of Qom, was not available for comment here today.

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE

Is a child all you need to complete your marriage? No luck after years of trying?

Look no further. The Bojuthno Trudgen Institute for Insemination (Artificial or Real) has provided a ready answer for couples all over Penzance, and indeed as far as Hayle.

For a fee of £9.75 and a bottle or two, Mr Trudgen (pictured on the left with patient Kitty Nankervis (23) of Gwavas) will be only too pleased to sort you out. Mr Trudgen is the consummate professional and would like to assure that he has never suffered from any STDs.

Knockout Hit for Boskenwal and Tregadgwith Dramatic Society!
Review by Literary Editor Emily Bindweed
Saturday night was yet another huge success for the merged Boskenwal Gay Drama Group and Tregadgwith Methodists’ Young Women’s Drama Group. Now known as "the Queens", the new group is storming round West Penwith, pulling in crowds of sometimes double figures with its own version of An Inspector Calls.

In the picture are shown, from the left, Prudence Pengilly, 25, from Rosemodrass; Ariminta Trenoweth, 29, from Trevorgans; Hester Lawry, 23, from Bosanketh; Jimmy Oppy, 26, from Tregiffian; Berzillai Curnow, 31, from Noonzeras; Samuel Lugg, 32, from Chegwidden; Tamazine Roskilly, 28, from Sparnon; Bathsheba Trezise, 29, from Cardinney and Drusilla Trevorrian, 28, from Bosliven.

Jimmy Oppy, who plays the inspector, has managed to make his stammer an additional and entirely unexpected weapon of suspense, with dramatic pauses of sometimes 10 full minutes between the start of a sentence and its end. Meanwhile, Drusilla Trevorrian has stolen the heart of many a young man in the audience through the floods of tears that precede her frequent announcement that "I kent remember my words!"

What the play lacks in pace and professionalism is more than compensated for by the naked fear of the cast and their visible desperation to simply get to the end. Indeed this fear adds yet another spur of excitement, as one tries to work out which cast member, for it is not clear, is dogged with the incontinence problem that causes puddles to appear around the stage.

The director, Mathew Carkeek (48) of Chyangwens, is hoping to transfer the play to the West End stage. The Roundup will be with them every step of the way.

Planning news

New Eurostar Terminus for St Erth
Pictured on the left is the newly-refurbished St Erth Eurostar terminus, which will connect Relubbus to Paris and Brussels.

The new service, which will begin in the autumn, has already caused something of a stir. Each day, there will be five trains from St Erth to both Paris and Brussels. However, the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has decided that only one train a week will stop at London, obliging London-based travellers to catch the Cornishman down to St Erth to make the connection on to Paris or Brussels.

Watch this space for further developments!

Passed Ovver (Obituaries)

Welcome to the ever-popular "'Oo’s Dead?" section of the Roundup!

JOYCE TREVASKIS

The Roundup must sadly report that Joyce Trevaskis has passed on, aged 98. Pictured here in her glory days in the 1930s as Miss Gulval Churchtown, when she still had two legs, Joyce was a colourful character. Never married, she retired only last year from her chosen career of prostitution.

As "the big-hearted pro who never says no", Joycie will be missed by the generations of Gulval men and boys who availed themselves of her generous services. An innovative woman, she operated her own dividend stamp scheme and was one of the first to take credit cards and to advertise on the net.

She also operated a home delivery service and it was whilst speeding down Gulval hill on her bike on such a mission in her early forties that her brakes failed and she crashed badly, losing her left leg. Doughty to the last, she didn’t let this stop her. She became a well-known sight as a one-legged cycling "home delivery" tart, wearing her hallmark feathered hat.

There will be a service of remembrance for Joyce at Gulval Church on Wednesday at 3.00pm. Early attendance is advised if one is to get a seat.