NEW BOOK, NEW AUTHOR

Popular Penzance prostitute, Kelly Killigrew (39), whose acute commercial sense led her to develop an initiative, "the price ladder", which has subsequently been gratefully copied by hundreds of professional ladies from St Buryan to right up to Camborne, has decided to branch out into writing.

For those unfamiliar with the price ladder, Kelly - no slouch when to comes to bargains - quickly twigged than when you offer pensioners '70% off' and the unemployed '50% off', you can protect your earnings by not disclosing 'off what' and still coin in the full sum - or even more.

However, now still with almost half her own teeth and free from disease at the last check just 19 years ago, Kelly, thinking of the future, has decided that, with gravity now beginning to pull its not inconsiderable weight, it is now time to carve out and develop a new career.

She has thus turned to writing and has conceived of the idea of penning a history of Notable Courtesans of West Penwith.

Despite this new departure, as she says herself, "I aren't givin up the scrubbin' completely.  I duh still do it, but I duh do the writin' in between like."   Thus she can often be viewed pacing up and down Parade Street with a notebook in her hand, furiously scribbling away in between rushed visits to the bushes of nearby Morrab Gardens in the company of 'reg'lars'.

Billy Curnow Publications of Adelaide Street, Penzance has snapped up the chance to take on this new local author. Says proprietor, Billy Curnow, "I wuz persuaded by the regal prose o' this queenathu pros and by the 50% off she gimme fer 6 weeks!"   Clearly, he hadn't heard of the price ladder.

With Kelly's kind permission we are taking just a brief look at some of the historical local talent she is featuring in her book.

On the left are the legendary so-called 'Eight Sirens of Sennen'.

They are, from the left, Lizzie Kelynack (16), Seline Hichens (17), Gracie Beckerleg (19), Alice Chirgwin (22), Sarah Jago (21), Aggie Curnow (27), Lavinia Lutey (24), and their captain and surprisingly agile yet one-legged star, Liza Cargeeg (29).

Known by Policeman Carne as 'the scourge of the cove', these young ladies busily worked the streets of Sennen Cove in the 1920s.  Dressed in a home-made uniform, they tended to stand out because of their unorthodox gait as they practised their eye-catching 'walk in formation'.  For more, get the book.

The beauty on the left was the famous Jane Hosking of Chypraze, pictured here at the age of 32.  A young lady of a fiercely intellectual and literary turn of mind, her stunning looks bewitched many a young man until she was finally successfully wooed and won by the 97-year-old shellfish billionaire, Abnego Baragwaneth. 

Although the latter was married, he was so smitten with the young temptress that he set her up in a sumptuous lovenest in Botallack on a fabulous daily allowance of 2/6d a day, excluding food. An accomplished and pioneering writer of the Cornish novella and a prolific poetess, all of the manuscripts of this noted but sadly unpublished writer were consumed by the chip fire that took her life in 1924.

Kelly tells the story of many another local fair maid but we will mention here only one more and that is the Newlyn nymph that was Priscilla "Pilchards" Polkinghorne, captured here on her 29th birthday.

At an early age, Prissy's keen intelligence shone brightly  at Newlyn Board School, where she displayed an easy facility and mastery of pure maths, nuclear physics, bio-chemistry and applied sandpit activities.

Known as "Pilchards" because of the the sharp smell her body emitted, she later grew into a ravishing beauty, much sought after at the tennis club and at Penzance swimming pool, where hundreds of local boys would congregate just to catch a glimpse of her breathtaking figure.

All the dashing swains from far around would pursue her - to no avail.  At the age of 17 she had lost her heart to a 77-year-old unhappily married dairy farmer from Tremethick Cross, whom she rapidly proceeded to make most happy.

In all weathers, she faithfully cycled up to see him for half an hour each evening at 7.30 , when he was out with the cows.  This went on for 40 years, when he sadly expired.  Consumed with grief, she followed him just two weeks after.

Hungry for more?  The book will be available from Billy Curnow Publications and at all good bookshops from next Wednesday at a price of just £749.99 each (or £3,500 for four copies!).

RELUBBUS JUDICIAL SYSTEM CELEBRATED THROUGHOUT WORLD

What makes the Relubbus judicial system the envy of the world?

Our legal correspondent, Tommy 'Asbo' Trezise (31), makes a, for him, unusually sober assessment which he shares with us here:

At the 196th novennial International Judicial Symposium held in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, assembled luminaries of the legal world all concluded that the Relubbus judicial sytem was unparalleled in its innovative approach, its fairness and equity and, above all, in its effectiveness.

The symposium is unique amongst international gatherings in that all its proceedings are conducted in the 'silver' latin of Tacitus.

This remains true today, despite fierce attempts in the 1950s to introduce the latin of Caesar (pictured left) , whose clipped and cuttingly accurate prose was held to be a much more appropriate vehicule for discussion of the law.

It further saw off, a little more easily, later attempts in the 1970s to adopt the lofty language of high Ciceronian address. 

It was thus in the more comfortable medium of the latin of Tacitus that legal systems from across the world were discussed in Vaduz -- with the conclusion that in Relubbus the pinnacle of judicial excellence had been reached.

Some of the judges involved in reaching this decision can be seen on the left leaving the Methodist Cathedral in Vaduz after morning prayers on the final day of the 10 week conference.

Visitors to Relubbus are often taken aback by one of the most startling differences between practice here and elsewhere in the world.

Every word and every sentence heard in the Relubbbus courts is sung and not spoken.

Each day a tune is selected from the Methodist Hymn Book and every word uttered must follow the tune of that selected hymn.

This practice dates back to the 18th century, when inveterate stammerer,  Madron Trembath (82), was called upon to give evidence.  Whilst Madron was sadly known to take up to twenty minutes to say so much as "Gordhewer da", yet he could sing as fluently and as beautifully as a nightingale.

Mr Justice Horton Behenna then gave him special dispensation  to present his evidence in song.  It later became apparent that singing brought other advantages as well.

When one is concentrating on following a tune, it becomes more difficult to dissemble or lie - the increased mental focus thus gives rise to more honest utterances.  With keen Methodist judges in control of the Relubbus courts, it was not long until they ruled that everyone - including themselves - must make all utterances in song only.

As will now be readily appreciated, the focus in Relubbus courts is on stripping away all obstacles and impediments to clear perception of  the truth.

This is also reflected in the unusual dress code in court.  It is believed that being bare-legged provides a gentle reminder that we should all be as naked before the law.  It also has the huge advantage that everyone makes sure to wear clean underwear and this promotes a healthier atmosphere for all.

Mr Justice Standfast Pengelly (56), resplendent in freshly washed and ironed underpants, sang out the following comment to the tune of Charles Wesley's "Author of faith", which is no. 362 in the Methodist Hymn Book:

"The smellinere av gottalot better neow.  Time was you'd aff choke when summa they crimnals wasineer!"

Attendance at the courts is now one of the biggest tourist attractions in Relubbus, with all public gallery spaces in the Relubbus Central Criminal Court fully booked right up to the end of 2015.

So book now, if you want a seat in 2016!

DIRE WARNING FOR THE WORLD

Reclusive hedge-fund manager, Nathaniel Polkinghorne of Nancegollan (45) has acquired a reputation - and huge wealth - for always being right.

For many years, Nathaniel was  a bus driver on long distance routes such as that from Penzance to Helston.

These long journeys gave him time to ruminate, and then expound, on many a challenge facing the world.  Unable to keep his opinions to himself, he often used to park the bus and, keeping the doors locked, give unsolicited lectures to his captive audience, sometimes for several hours.

Such lectures were not always appreciated by his passengers and some even took it upon themselves to instruct Polkinghorne to 'button it' or, in local parlance, "shut yer bleddy cakole and git the bus goinagen".  When he spoke of the world financial order, some challenged him to put his money where his mouth was.

So it was that, at the age of 40, Nathaniel boldly entered the world of investment to do just that.  A mere five years later and he was a megamultibillionnaire with his own caravan over Long Rock and a brand new Ford Anglia (shown left) parked up outside.  He achieved his wealth by always 'calling it right'.

Loaded as he is with his new-found wealth, he is now seldom seen at Morrison's, leaving his mother to undertake the weekly shopping alone. (" I duh always pay my 'alf towardsun like!")

He stays at home with his mother, neglecting his sumptuous Long Rock bachelor's pad.  He rarely emerges to dispense wisdom to the lesser sort.

Thus it was unusual when he called a press conference. This was attended by scores of eager reporters, some of whom came from as far away as Bude to listen to him.

When all were seated, as he had requested, he spoke and, in so doing, struck a truly sombre note.

Reminding his audience that he had famously never been wrong about anything, he announced that, whilst he had no desire to cause global panic, he felt compelled to share his now certain knowledge that  every single person upon the face of the earth was going to die.  There would be no exceptions.  Everyone - literally everyone - was going to die.  An awed chill silence filled the room.

He looked his audience in the eye and coldly stated that everyone, after a mere 150 years, would be no more.  He then turned and left.

In less than half an hour, copies of his speech had been printed and were being rushed around the whole of Cornwall and Relubbus.

Said paper boy, Charlie Clemo (7) of Portreath "Eedthink ee's sum bleddy smart, eedoo.  I cuddatolun that, daffbugger!"

Could Clemo be the new Polkinghorne?

RELUBBUS INSTITUTE HONOURS LORD ARSECREEP

The hugely influential Relubbus Institute of International Relations has decided to award a special new prize to the infamous Belize resident and British non-dom, Lord Arsecreep.

The Institute is a much-respected authority on corporate governance, public ethics, and international justice.  It is the think tank of choice of the United Nations.  Indeed, Ban Ki Moon (66), UN Secretary General, sits on its board of trustees, along with other luminaries such as Nelson Mandela (92), Mother Theresa (deceased), Willy Curnow (deceased), and the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) leader himself, Billy Spargo (115).

The Director of the Institute is none other than the internationally revered  A level student, Daniel "Snookered" Thomas (18), pictured left.

Mr Thomas spoke to a hastily convened gathering of the Relubbus and international press this morning to announce the decision of the Institute to confer a Special Award for Breathtaking Hypocrisy on the English Tory (or "Toy" -- they're only playing at it, after all) deputy chairman, Lord "Shaft You" Arsecreep.

Mr Thomas stated that a primary duty of all states was to raise taxes in a way that was fair to all and to expend the tax revenue in a way that served the best interests of all.

He explained that Lord Arsecreep (left) had secured for himself a pivotal role in the Toy party as deputy chairman responsible for improving the Toy party's performance in key marginals.  Arsecreep had hired his own staff to support him and had poured millions of (untaxed) funds into the task over the years - all funded by his company, Bare Arse Corporate Services.  Arsecreep had chucklingly confessed that  important records of this Bare Arse company had been mysteriously 'wiped clean', when called for by the House of Commons.

Now - under relentless pressure from the Relubbus and Cornish press and from a Mrs Agnes Trembath from up Heamoor -  Arsecreep had confessed that his embarassingly huge fortune had been piled up without being subject to UK or any other tax.

Never before had a deputy chairman of a political party been selected who avoided paying tax in the country his party aspired to rule.

Never before had a tax-avoider been ennobled on a promise of becoming a full resident (implication: "I'll pay taxes just as you taxed oiks do") without following through on the promise.

Never before in modern European history had a political party, like the Toy party, allowed itself to be bought and used in this way.

In recognition of this singular achievement, Lord Arsecreep is to receive a hand-carved bare arse  in sturdy Belize balsa wood lovingly fashioned by an imprisoned fraudster and tax avoider.

The Roundup's impeccably high standards of good taste prevent us from publishing a picture of a bare arse, but we can disclose that it is the sort of thing that would be revealed in all its hairiness, if one were to pan up the reverse of the photo on the left.

STOP PRESS:  The Roundup has learnt that even dimbo 'Kami-Kaze' Cameroon and his Eton cronies have finally twigged that associating with (let alone ennobling) Arsecreep is losing them the election.  In the Toy party HQ they are now desperately trying to coax a wary Arsecreep into the ejector seat.

UK ELECTION REPORT

From Chief Political Editor Denzil Archilaus Treglown-Trevail, shown here reading his own article

The countdown to the Westminster elections has begun and the political parties are flexing their muscles for the quinquennial "I'm tons better than you" playground tussle, which is relied upon to deliver government in the UK.  Well, you get what you deserve!

Meanwhile UK citizens look, in a mix of stupefaction and sheer envy, at Relubbus, and the benevolent dictatorship of  His Sereneness Grand Council Leader Billy Spargo (124), whose charmed presence causes the state of Relubbus to rise from strength to strength.

Accordingly, we take a look at how the UK election is shaping up in Cornwall, also taking the the time to look a little more closely at some of the fringe parties that are dreaming that now their time has come.

Whilst in the UK generally the Conswervative party seems to have managed to acquire a following of, at least, three or four in some major towns and cities, in the Duchy of Cornwall there are only two Conswervatives, shown here out canvassing. 

They are "Binky" Stopes-Mubbsley-Thorpe (31) and his old dormie pal, "Stinky" Chunderthwaite-Pithley-Twat (31).  Both chaps went to Eton College and had 'a damned good time'!  Both then went into City brokerage firms (co-incidentally owned  by their fathers) and, despite losing very large sums of money, still managed to secure "a bloody serious bonus, old chum!"

They are non-doms for UK tax purposes and insist that they maintain this unpopular tax-evading status only out of solidarity with the deputy chairman of the Conswervatives (Lawd Arsecross, 'the Belize Bulldozer') and not because it saves "absolutely spiffingly large wads of cash!"

Binky sums thing up for both of them when he says, "We chaps from Eton bloody well know what's good for us and also what's good for the oiks!  As good old Cammie-Khazi and Ozzie say - good Eton chaps both, don'tcha know - 'You can't get better than an Eton boater!' Vote Tory, we say!"

Many Kernow-watchers are amazed to discover that UKIP are at all active here, given that it is a party dominated by Little Englanders who don't care two hoots for Cornwall. 

It is also a source of open wonder that anyone in Cornwall can be found to stand for UKIP, when it is led by folk of the depressing calibre of the so dismally mentally-equipped Nige "Brain" Damage. 

Nige surpassed himself recently, when, clearly wetting himself with the excitement of being on camera again, he proceeded to insult the recently chosen, and now wholly bemused, European President, the Right Herbert Rumpy Pumpy.  Struggling to contain himself, Nige stated that Herbert had the charisma of a wet rag and the appearance of a low grade bank clerk, wholly overlooking the fact that he himself had the charisma of a low grade bank clerk and was obviously apparelled in very recently wetted rags. 

Clearly, in the European Parliament as elsewhere, birds of a feather will flock together.  Pundits reckon that, with administering of enough medication, UKIP could garner as many as 6, or possibly 7, votes in Cornwall.

The Methodist Fundamentalist Party (MFP), led by the Ayafella Oweedoinov AlKammbronn (150), has a strong following all over Cornwall.  Unlike mainstream Methodists, the MFP (sometimes known as the 'Cornish Taliban') represent an extreme form of their faith. 

They are utterly opposed to "drinkon', dancon', gamblon' and any wurkatha devil".  This latter category includes Darwin's teachings, Tesco, the motor car, toothpaste and the internet. 

The MFP stands for the banning of all English influences in Cornwall and for the introduction of pasties as the obligatory daily midday meal.  Everyone will be required to consume, at least, a "quarter a cream" daily. 

The MFP's election campaign is in the capable hands of Tommy Trembath (32) and his friend Billy Jory (29), pictured above.  The MFP is reckoned to be able to command 7.5% of the Cornish vote.

Druids of the Lodge of the Heamoor Bus Stop are campaigning on a pagan ticket. Their leader, Archdruid Lenny Gwavas (68) believes that the dawning of the age of druidism in Cornwall is nigh.  Fervent nationalists, they also believe that Cornwall should adopt paganism as the state religion once independence has been achieved.

Lenny himself is standing in the St Ives constituency and is relying on "they dencin' girls tuh bring in the votes fer we". 

Lenny has a group of five ladies who energetically campaign for him throughout West Penwith.  These ladies - all of whom work in Morrison's - are pictured here dancing at an election rally at the Minack.  For decency's sake, they are pictured here before they reached the nude sequence of their "offering in dance". 

They are, from the left, Rose Trenwith (62), Letitia Lutey (55), Geraldine Wakfer (72), Marcia Pender (63) and David Bolitho (53).  Lenny is confident that he will secure at least five votes.

Most people probably didn't even know that there was a Gay Shellfish-Processors Party (GSP) and some doubt its ability to appeal to those outside its primary target group of homosexuals employed in the shellfish processing industry. 

However the GSP candidate, Willy Trezise (43), pictured here with his husband, Billy Pender, is confident that the GSP will win in West Penwith.

He modestly declares, "I gotunall sussed out.  I aren't prejudiced 'genst people 'oo aren't queer.  They kent 'elpit.  Live and let live, tha's what I duh say.  Free bus travel fer Cornish people throughout the worl'.  Abolish income tax fer everyone 'oodern less than £25,000 a year.  Intreduce income tax o' 99% fer all they buggers 'oodern morn £30,000 a year.  Intreduce wealth tax o' £50,000 a year ferall they buggers 'oo got 'ouse worth morn £500,000.  I'll sortunall out faree!"

Election watchers estimate that the GSP will secure around 23% of the Cornish vote.

SPORTS NEWS

by special Sports Correspondent Tommy "Balls" Wakfer

LADIES NEED MALE MEMBERS!

There is one thing on which all the ladies of the Badgers Cross Badminton Club (BCBC) would agree - they definitely need male members.

BCBC has a membership of thirty six.  The trouble is that they are all ladies. 

They know that they must woo male players, but their sharply divided opinions on how to achieve this objective have split this once happy club (as one can see from the photo) right down the middle, exposing mutually hostile class divisions.

It all started when Aggie Trembath (31) placed a controversial poster on the walls of the local pub and the cricket club. 

Aggie had designed the poster herself and modelled  it on the iconic first world war Kitchener poster. 

It read "BCBC is all shuttle and no cock.  We ladies need male members!"

When word got out about Aggie's initiative, Letitia Chirgwin (29) was livid and set out to rip down and destroy every one of Aggie's posters.

Says Aggie defiantly, a self-employed pig insemination operative, " I cudden bleeve it, I cudden bleddy bleeve what that hoity-toity stuck-up bitch binangonundun!  Sony bitta fun, inna?  What she aff to go do that fer?"

Says Letitia haughtily, a freelance nasal hair trimmer with her own bike, "When I 'eard what that mentalist slapper dun, I went straight roun' the pub and pulled 'er posters deown!  We aren't all scrubbers 'ere like she!  Kommunasmuck she is!  Whatever she like??!"

Half the club supports Letitia and the other half is solidly behind Aggie.  How will it end?  Will the posters re-appear?  Who can say?  However, the Roundup will follow this gripping story.

THIRD PORTHCURNO CAMP TRAINING CAMP A GREAT SUCCESS!

Gays flocked to the Porthcurno Gay University site from all over West Penwith (especially Sancreed and St Buryan) to take part in the third great outdoor "Camp Training Camp."

Readers will recall that this event started up three years ago in honour of outstanding and pioneering local gay, Trenwith Madron Trembath, who sadly passed away in 2007 at the age of 124.

Mr Trembath achieved early fame by becoming the first man to swim the Atlantic - and back - non-stop,  fortified only by one of his mother's notoriously gargantuan pasties.

Trembath was a keen athlete, rugby player and cricketer.  As a young man in a time when there was precious little understanding for those devoted to a love that dared not speak its name, Trembath was a fearless and proud homosexualist, daringly outspoken about his gayness and defiantly setting up home with Reginald Polkinghorne in 1905 in their own little cottage in Porthcurno.  It was, of course, on the site of this cottage that the Porthcurno Gay University was later built.

The "Camp Training Camp" is a three day event in which young men engage in thrilling outdoor exercise with one another.

The snap on the left shows them in the early morning getting ready to partake in piggy back tournaments.  All jolly good fun designed to raise the spirits and strengthen the muscles.

The event has been very well attended this year with over 2,500 participants, including 40 0fficers from Penzance Police Station.

PC Ben Dover (second from the left, sitting on special friend Roger's shoulders) gushed enthusiastically, "I ebbent nevver 'ad s' much fun!  I'll be back 'ere nex' year fer deffinat!"