NEWS IN BRIEF

Prospidnick beats Goldsithney in nailbiting finish in "Top of the Form"

The victorious Prospidnick "Top of the Form" team beat 460 other schools in the popular Relubbus TV Schools' Quiz to emerge as winners after defeating Goldsithney in a dramatic final filmed in the luxurious surroundings of the Gay Plumbers' Suite in the Relubbus Intercontinental.

The winning team consists of Bernie Trevains (16), Herbert "Plunger" Pender (17), Edith Malpas-Nance (16) and Ned Nudd (17).

Programme presenter, Tren Addicoat said, "I ebbent never seen nuthin scudasthat! 'Scitin' it was!  I nearly wet meself, but they boys from up Prospidnick duh deserve t' win.

Neckuneck it was tilla las' question - 'Wassa full name o' the famous Lily Nichols lookalike?'  Plunger come in quick as you like withis finger on the buzzer, shouting the winnin' enser - 'Camiknickers!"

The winning team has won a luxury afternoon on Porthmeor beach with one free cup of tea and a saffron bun each.

Respected Policeman retires at last

Detective Chief inspector Lionel Liddicoat (59) is retiring from the police service after 41 years on the force.

His retirement will be met with a big sigh of relief from the West Cornish criminal  fraternity, who have come to fear him over the years.

Lionel was a most unusual police officer in that he was always accompanied by his ventriloquist's dummy, 'Dorothy'.

Dorothy did much - indeed, frankly all - of the the talking for them both, although, as Dorothy maintains, "You kent never see 'is lips movin'!"

From the age of 14, Lionel and Dorothy have been inseparable. Not only criminals, but also judges, police colleagues - not to mention Lionel's wife, Doris, their three children and the family budgie - have all got used to speaking to Lionel through Dorothy.

When Dorothy has to be handed in for essential repairs, Lionel has been inconsolable and quite silent, apart from a loud sobbing.

This tight union has been recognised and accepted by the grateful Relubbus Police Force.  Both Lionel and Dorothy are to receive distinguished service medals at a public meeting to be held at the St John's Hall in Boswedden Lane.

As Dorothy says, "I aren't surprised - we deserve un - but ee's ovver the moon bowtit!  Git plumb boy ee is, idna?!"

Undergound Link between New York and Relubbus now almost complete!

As some readers will know, the plans to link up the New York Metro with the Relubbus Underground are well advanced.

The Roundup can now report that there is only one mile left between the Cornish tunnel (pictured) and the American tunnel.

The flagging US and New York economies have brought all Americans to pin their hopes for recovery on the coming direct connection to the roaring economic lion that is the Relubbus economy.

Relubbus engineers have designed a special high speed steam train ("The Trevithick") that will run between the two cities at such a fast speed that the crossing is expected to be achieved in less than fifteen minutes.

Says Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman, Billy Spargo (114), "They trains are so fast - I kent bleddy bleeve it.  'Owevver, I am 'appy to 'elp out they Yanks.  'Alf o' they are Cornish anyway!  I shall gw'ovver fer the pasty supper at th' openin'."

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Enty Doreen's Laundry for Old-fashioned Service you can rely on!

"Enty" - Doreen Trembath - - is  a svelte young 39 year old lady from up Colinsey Road in Penzance.  Enty realised some 17 years ago, after the birth of her 6th child, that there was a market in laundry "done the old-fashioned way".

Using a £115 start up loan from Duane Polkinghorne of Nancledra Investment Management, she purchased the very best washer/dryer available from Polkinghorne's 'Gadgets from Yesteryear' range and set up her business in her Mum's utility room.

Seventeen years later and she's still there and still paying off the interestingly structured  Polkinghorne loan, whoch now stands at £98,786.78.  The business is thriving (says Mr Polkinghorne).

"Enty" will wash and iron your entire weekly wash for just £2.75.!!!!

Furthermore, if you take out the Polkinghorne Laundry Insurance (at just £45 per item per wash!), you will be guaranteed* up to 35% of the replacement cost of any clothing damaged in the laundry process.

*All claims must be submitted in Sanskrit 24 hours before the item is washed.  Otherwise the validity of any claim will not be recognised.

A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN

Bernice Skaggs, at just 23, the Bolitho Professor of Epic Greek Poetry and of Intravenous Stimulants at the prestigious University of Chyandour has achieved both fame and infamy in her comparatively short life so far.

The sharp searchlight of her forensic mind has opened up the world of Epic Greek Poetry to new generations of Cornish folk, whilst her easy-to-follow practical guide to intravenous stimulation has won countless followers, particularly in the Camborne area.

Whilst her academic work has rightly won her widespread recognition and acclaim from all sides, her somewhat racey lifestyle has sadly only brought her opprobrium -- as well as a Fatwah from the Botallack-based breakaway Methodist Fundamentalist Leader, Ali ben Polkinghorne.

Dressed in her trademark pink (above), she is often to be seen loitering outside unsavoury bars in West Penwith, trying to persuade punters to part with their cigarette cards so that she - an avid collector - can complete her collections all the sooner.

She is also believed to overindulge in her favourite Babycham.  Indeed, on one cold night in February, she was even found (by someone destined to play a major part in her life) at 3.00 am in the morning, stone drunk and wrapped around one of the lions on Penzance Promenade.

It is therefore refreshing that she is in the news again, but this time under the happy banner of good news.

The Roundup can now reveal that Bernice has decided to 'tie the knot' with septuagenarian Gwavas beau and 3rd highest winner in last week's Nancledra Lottery, Tommy "Ladies' Man" Trembath.

Tommy, pictured here quaffing a celebratory glass of Babycham, told the Roundup that he was attracted to the lissom Bernice as much by her intellect as by her good looks.

For it was none other than Tommy who stumbled across Bernice on that cold February night.  "I jes binout on a bender an' I cudden remember the wayome.  I wuz goin pass they lions on the Prom, when I 'eard a groan an' seen Madam, puking up something awful.  She wuz wiffin' o' Babycham and that wuz the clincher fer me!"

Tommy has until now eked out a rather precarious living by running the Ludgvan Latrine Hotel.

This frankly odd institution  has thusfar failed to win any significant interest amongst the emmet public. 

The paltry spartan furnishings of even its Presidential Suite are more reminiscent of an army bunkhouse than of some place that might be graced by a president.

The latrines, into which Tommy has sunk his entire inherited wealth, are faithful reconstructions of early medieval models and so make no concessions whatever to any notions of modern hygiene.

However, there has been a steady trickle of (usually Japanese) eccentrics over the years, who have been lured by the prospect of extremely basic accommodation and an array of untended and aggressively pungent 'medieval' latrines.

This has enabled Tommy to keep his head above water and even to buy the occasional bottle of his beloved Babycham.

The Nancledra Lottery win, believed to exceed three figures, will now enable the lovebirds to slip away to their sumptuous Goldsithney retreat on the outskirts of Greater Relubbus.

BEN-HALIGON DOES IT AGAIN!!

David Ben-Haligon, the noted, and often controversial, 48-year-old Marazion-based Cornish/Jewish polymath and entrepreneur, has released his latest range of 'unbelievable but true' gadgets designed to make everyday life easier.

Ben-Haligon, who declares, "I put the Zion back into Marazion!" is an indefatigable inventor as well as a champion of Cornish/Jewish rights.

Readers will recall Ben-Haligon's past claims that the Cornish are the lost tribe of Israel.  He dismisses as wishful mythmaking the traditional story that it was mobile Phonetian seafarers, who first came to these shores to trade for tin.

Ben-Haligon insists that it was his own forefathers (led by the legendary clotted cream maker Shlomo Ben-Haligon) who came to Kernow 2,700 years ago, bent on seeking a new market for Kosher Clotted Cream.

So charmed were they by the sheer beauty of the place that many of them decided to stay for good, seamlessly integrating with the local community.   This version of events forms the foundation of his assertion that the Cornish are truly the lost tribe of Israel.  "We were not lost yet, we just moved house already!"

In some quarters, Ben-Haligon is regarded as unacceptably right wing for this belief that the Cornish border should be redrawn at a line from Honiton to Barnstaple in order to reclaim the lost ancestral land of the East Bank of Kernow.
Much of his fabled wealth is spent on seeking to shore up political support to this end.  "Kernow once spread up to Bristol, but I would be happy with the Honiton/Barnstaple line."

However, the multimillionaire entrepreneur was in the news this week for entirely different reasons.  At his showcase Marazion store, the Gadget Shop, he brought to market his latest offerings yesterday before an excited crowd of over 17 people.

His first new gadget is the 'Great Weight Watch'.  This watch not only tells you the time, but also announces your weight at half hourly intervals at a volume equivalent to that of a railway station announcement.

The gadget is intended to assist those seeking to lose weight by shaming them into action.  The announcements can be made in either metric or imperial weights and, should the weight keep going up, can be preceeded by a friendly but firm call of "Hey, Fattie!".

This triumph of technology is available to the public at a knock-down price of only £4,567.

Bert Trembath (19) of Boscathnoe was one of the first customers to stump up the required money.
Weighing in at a trim 32 stone, Bert was keen to 'lose a few poun' in time for his first dream holiday in Cowboyland, Texas - 'otherwise they said they'll aff to freight me out!'

The second invention on offer today is one which is expected to bring in many millions of pounds of revenue to the Marazion magnate.

Ben-Haligon's 'Mazal Tov Thought Glasses' are an ingenious device, which not only improve sight to 20 20 vision, but which also enable the wearer to read the thoughts of those around him/her.

Whilst, at £24,000 each, they do not come cheap, the high price tag has not deterred potential customers.

Advance orders totalling £7,500,000 have already been received from governments and businesses around the world.  Says Ben-Haligon, "It is the end of the lie already!  With the Mazal Tov on your head, all lies are dead!"

The third and final offering from the House of Ben-Haligon is the 'Oy Vey Migraine Hat'.  The inventor believes that migraine can be dispelled by wearing a device on the head, which both purifies the air and which delivers a soothing all-over head massage.

Migraine sufferes are recommended to wear the hat for one day out of seven to keep migraine at bay and to put on the hat immediately at the onset of a migraine attack.

It comes complete with portable 12 volt battery and oxygen tank at only £65.  As Ben-Haligon declares "Oy Vey just takes your migraine away!"

DUKE OF CORNWALL - NOW OF RELUBBUS?

Relubbus watchers around the world have been intrigued to hear of the preparations being made by the Duke of Cornwall (shown left) and his wife (the famous and luscious Lily Nichols look-alike) in their intent to move lock stock and barrel to "an ordinary housing estate".

They are, in fact, to move to the notorious Bramangath Estate, in Relubbus.

We are able to publish a picture of the sumptuous property they are said to have acquired.  It boasts a front door with a much sought-after porch area and a durable plastic doorbell, playing "Goin up Cambern 'ill comon' down".  Not only this, but it also has a fully functional door knocker.  The luxurious accommodation (three bedrooms and two inside toilets!!) includes a back door giving out on to the extensive grounds of a 30-foot garden, currently laid to waste.

Notwithstanding the fact that the property has the benefit of  a garage, the front garden has been turned to hard standing so as to be easily capable of accommodating the many expected and frequent guest cars.

To make the journey easier still for guests of the Duke to call in, the Roundup has discovered that the Gwavas Estate bus will be especially diverted to call at this new stop, which will be known as 'Lily's Corner' in honour of the woman Camilla most closely resembles.

Despite the huge influence and unparalleled reach of this celebrated publication, even we have not - yet - been able to secure pictures of the inside of the house, but we have have been able to note all the top class advisers and artisans who have been calling at this soon-to-be-famous semi-detached property.

Heamoor fine artist, interior designer, society hostess, pipe aficionado and accomplished drag artist, Nigel Trewern (31) has been responsible for the choice and fitting of all internal soft furnishings. 

Nigel said, over a calming pipe of Dunghill's Morning Mixture:

  "I bin given a budget o' £17.35 fer all the curtains. Wi' that kinamoney, I jes' gone bleddy mad and adda spendout! 

Iss sum bleddy smart in there neow, I kintellee!"

The house has been fitted with three toilets (two of which are inside!).  With an eye to the Duke's concern for disdvantaged minorities, the selected plumber is 28 years old controversial Lariggan Lesbian Communist, Leslie 'Lezzer' Lesnoweth.

This queen o' the pipes' has personally tested all three toilets and found them capable of dealing with anything nornal-sized the ducal duo can put down there.

Leslie will be on 24 hour call to deal with any toilet emergencies as they might arise.  Whilst she is reluctant to disclose the sum she will receive for this high-end service cover by way of retainer, it is rumoured that a figure close to £14.99 per month might well be near the mark!

To draw attention to the problems of child poverty and exploitation head-on, the Duke has elected 'pour encourager les autres' to employ a child as maid-of-all-work. 

Twelve years old Vanessa Trembath will be on duty in the house from 4.30 am until 1.00 am every day. However, she will have a half day free on Sunday March 21st 2032.

This, as Camilla herself declared, will give the poor girl something to look forward to, as she will not be paid.

The Duke's staffing arrangements have also taken full account of the burgeoning West Penwith gay community. 

He has chosen Darren 'Bunty' Behenna to be his butler , the 62-year-old outspoken chairperson of the All-Cornwall LGBT Canasta Club.

Bunty has designed his own fetching pink uniform and has promised to bring a really classy sparkle to all proceedings at the Bramangath house.

This will be particularly the case on Tuesday nights when the Duchess "duh 'ave 'er mates roun' fer wunna they posh Canasta, fags an' brown ale parties!"

The Roundup will return to embellish this 'coup' story with further details as they emerge.

SPARGO SCORES COMMERCIAL SUCCESS AGAIN FOR CORNWALL!!!

Grand Councillor Billy Spargo of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) (pictured left) has once again negotiated a phenomenal trade deal for the benefit of Relubbus and Cornwall in general.

The idiosyncratically scented 107 year old GRUC leader has been holding secret negotiations with Mr Hu Jintao, the sprightly young 68 year old former Hayle take-away assistant manager and now Paramount Leader of the People's Republic of China, in a private room at the Fountain Inn at Newbridge.

International commentators have cynically suggested  that wily Spargo had deliberately selected the Fountain to host the secret talks so that Mr Hu would fall under the bewitching spell of the legendarily pulchritudinous landlady of the said pub.

Regardless of his motive in choosing this venue, there is  no doubt as to the stupendous outcome of the talks.  The intense 5 day negotiations continued day and night without a break  and were only interrupted when the landlady walked in with fresh pasties and beer, at which point Mr Hu ceased talking and stared in drop-jawed silence at the vision of beauty bringing in the much-needed sustenance.

  After "5 long days of 'ard talkin'", the pair emerged blinking into the rainy daylight and announced the conclusion of a landmark trade deal, which will have major repercussions in both China and Cornwall.

The Chinese have won the right to build 3,500 Chinese restaurants throughout Cornwall.  The chain will be called "The Big Wong" and will come under the inspired leadership of Beizhing-appointed supremo Mr Fu Manchu.

Mr Manchu will be based at a caravan in Prospidnick, which has been generously donated by Mr Spargo himself for just a small annual rent of £50,000.

An excited Mr Manchu, who has not been let out of China before, said, "I got all da big ideas, wot make Chinee restaurant velly good. We take out advertising on Radio Cornwall, wot say ,"It wight to come to Wong!"

The primary result of the tough negotiations with Mr Hu Jintao is that every Chinese person must eat one imported Cornish pasty every week.  Smiling confidently, Mr Spargo stated that this would give a significant boost to the Cornish pasty industry, requiring it to produce around 1.3 billion pasties per week.

Cornwall has also won the right to open, using generous Chinese state aid,  a 'Proper Job' Cornish Pasty shop in every Chinese town with a population above 500.  In a concession to local pronounciation, the chain will be known as 'Plopper Job'.

Mr Hu was overjoyed at the success of the deal.  At the press conference held in the soggy rain in the pub courtyard, he invited Mr Spargo to attend the opening of the Grand Chinese Expo in Shanghai.

Mr Spargo replied that the invitation was a great honour.  He also stated that his busy diary would sadly not permit him to attend.

On the Monday, he had to "g'wup Treliske to see the doc' 'bout my leg."

On the Tuesday, he was due in Marazion to see his fancy lady on the sly and to open a new Scout hut.

On the Wednesday, he had his rehearsals with the Relubbus Centenarian Black and White Minstrels.

On the Thursday,  he had to open a Particle Physics Conference in Richmond Methodist Church Sunday School.

On the Friday, he was due "ovver Noolin fer the annual Gay fishermen's nude banquet".

Visibly impressed with Mr Spargo's busy schedule, Mr Hu Jintao accepted that it would be some time before Mr Spargo could make it over to China.

Then, waving his farewell, he stepped into the Nippy Cab, generously part-paid for by the State of Relubbus, which whisked him away to Penzance Railway Station, so that he could commence his long journey back home.

RELUBBUS ROUNDUP APRIL CLASSIFIEDS

BARGAIN CORNER (call Relubbus 56324 and the box number!)

Arabic Scrabble game - almost complete.  Yours for a fiver. (Box 6)

Second hand genital piercing jewellery available.  Job lot £78.  Washed in hot water and good as new. (Box7)

Grandpa's hearing aids - all twelve of them - only £50 (Box 8)

Beautiful-looking Upright Piano - a real bargain at £5 - no strings attached. (Box 9)

Ford Anglia wing mirror, glass slightly broken so reduced price of £24.99 (Box 10)

Child's blue plastic sandal for left foot -size 5.  Strap in perfect condition and fully functional.  Suggest use for child who likes to hop.  Only £18 (Box11)

Sat Nav, which operates in Cornish voice with strong St Just accent only.  Only covers Cornwall, but dead hot on all the B roads.  £757 (Box12)

Empty cardboard box with generous size of 2ft by 2 ft.  No limit to what you can put in it, provided you do not exceed the overall size stated .  Stuffed with £20 notes it would be very valuable indeed, but you can have it for just £50.  Comes complete with full operating instructions!! (Box 12)

Goods and services

We will high-pressure clean your drive or path!  Also we will undertake enemas and colonic irrigation!  You supply the power and the water and we will do the rest to our best!  Call Madron and Billy Dodekahedron on Gulval 568321.

It's double dread time!  Both the UK political season and the hay fever season!  How will you cope??!! Don't worry! Turn to Monty Batt of Newbridge!  His hay fever remedies (available at just £37 a course!!) are known and respected as far away as Marazion.  

Now he has altered the formula to deal with other aggravating ailments, such as irritation about immigration in general or something as specific as anger about the prolific ubiquity of Polish plumbers!  One pill can take care of the hay fever AND Polish plumber syndrome!!   All this for just £5 extra!  Don't delay.  Call Monty on Newbridge 542912!

Never say "Ere speakup, I kentearee!" again!  You can buy your own Ennis Ear Trumpet!  Ennis ear trumpets have been used by the best all over the world, including Lenny the Lion, Mr Pastry, recent Prime Minister Anthony Eden and South African tearaway, Nelson Mandela.  Now you can own an Ennis Ear Trumpet for just £15,675.  Ennis of Ludgvan on 561265.

Lovely Ladies' Lingerie in Lime-Green Leatherette handcrafted to fit you perfectly by Heamoor's Mr Plastic, Dougie Pender.  Heamoor 457291.  "I promise - you will never feel the same again!!"
Calling all Gardeners!  Your plants will respond to the elixir of life -- Farmyard manure!!!  Show off in front of your neighbours - let them see what you've got!.  I will drop off a tractorload of the best and freshest farmyard manure in your front garden for just £95 a go.  Be the envy of your neighbours with a your own manure heap.  Call Jimmy Trevains on Bosavern 543621.

Skilled Cabinet maker available to undertake commissions of all sorts in the wood of your choice.  I am also happy to undertake breast enhancements and reductions. 'Phone Len Behenna on Newlyn 92741.

Japanese electric teeth whiteners.  Simply attach wire from mains to teeth and switch on and Hey Presto White Teeth!  Buy with confidence from Long Rock Import/Export company (No convictions).  Long Rock 674562.

Defrocked, but kindly, priest sells cut-price indulgences with free 5 minute confession session.  Anything forgiven for the right price (from £300 upwards).  Sorry, no credit.  Guarantee given that information gained will NOT be used in blackmail.  'Phone Father Opie on Hayle 83421.

Ladies!  Keen foot fetishist will wash your feet for free! 'Phone  Pierre Le Pied on Heamoor 56739.

Teeth missing? No problem, but a great opportunity!  Get fitted with new teeth made from Cornish tin handcrafted for you by ex-train driver and all-round handyman Dicky Polkinghorne.  Don't hesitate - it's only £.3.99 per tooth, so call Dicky drekkly on Madron 659234.