RE PUTTING THE 'R' BACK INTO THE 'COUNTY' OF CORNWALL!!

Being Excerpts from an entertaining Verbal Exchange between

The Honourable Cecil Longfield Oswald Titt (Champion of England) and

Ruan Ennis (Champion of Cornwall)

The protagonists:

Cecil Longfield Oswald Titt (CLOT) oscillates between his grandiose manor house on the Titt Estate in Hertfordshire (Great Titt House - DEFINITELY NOT open to the public) and his London Club, Benders of Pall Mall.

A proudly English gentleman, he has not, throughout his life, sullied his hands with any work beyond the necessary task of telling others how to better order their affairs, a task he has taken up with a selflessness that only he can appreciate.

A scion of one of the best public schools in England, he has extensive landholdings right across that country and also holds land in Cornwall.  He happens to be in Cornwall at present, as he is beating down his tenants in rent negotiations  and was eager to participate in this debate on the status of Cornwall so that he could ensure that the people know their proper place.

Ruan Ennis (RE) from a council estate in Camborne is a Cornishman's Cornishman and, in fact by way of proof, he reads the Cornishman itself every week with almost as much relish as he reads the Relubbus Roundup, his preferred reading.

Ennis has lived in Cornwall all his life, except for a brief spell in London.  It was during this temporary exile ("I only wennup ferabit geek like"), which lasted for four and a half weeks, that he came to realise - once he had left it - how unique and special Cornwall is.

On his return to his beloved Camborne, he immersed himself in the history, culture and, yes, language of Cornwall and is now an impassioned champion of the separateness of Cornwall and of the celebration of its culture.

The Excerpts:

CLOT:  The map of Great Britain displays the majesty of its heart that is England,  a jewel of geographical exquisiteness marred only by the ragged sordid Celtic excrescences of Scotland and Wales.

Cornwall should rejoice that is but one among many of the ceremonial counties and unitary authorities, which make up this magnificence called England.  You, Ennis, should be proud to see the flag of England flying above the roofs of Cornwall.

I have good news for you, Sir!  You are no mere Cornish peasant, but are instead a proud English hobbledehoy!

RE:  Lissenere, boy!  I arnt takin nunnathat colonial claptrap from the likes o' you.  Oney one flag, what duh blong ere and thassa flag o' St Piran, the flag o' Cornwall.

We err the only so-called 'county' of England - your words, boy, not mine -, which duh ave issone Flag.

Nexdoor, the Devon people 'ad a vote in 2003 to decide on their flag.  We didnaff to ave no vote ere.  Flag? - we've always adden, boy, cuz we're a nation wass always adda flag!

Nuther thing.  People up London duh knaw we're really different.  People frumere err called 'Cornish", people from Spain err called Spanish and people frum Finland err called Finnish.

Idden no other bleddy 'county', where the 'nhabitants duh ave a name like a foreign race.  Tha's cuz we err different  - you're bleddy furren faras we're concerned.

CLOT: Now steady on, my good man, you are running away with yourself.  You Cornwallers cannot possibly compare yourselves to nations such as the Spanish and the Finnish.  They are poor Johnny Foreigners with their own countries and their own awful languages.

You good people are here to serve England as loyal beach attendants and agricultural wallahs wih full rights to pay taxes to the Westminster Parliament.  There you have it!

RE:  Sens dha flows, Saws!

We Cornish duh ave our own language alright anniff you 'ad a brain up tuh understandin' ovun, I would ah spoke tuh ee innun.

The reason we duh talk your language a bit diffrunt, like it wuz farren tuh we is cuz ee is farren tuh we!!  So you can stick yer bleddy 'county' o' Cornwall an give we our country back!  You duh ave the 'onour neow o' bein' in Pow Kernow, the country of Cornwall.

EDITOR:  This exchange continued for well over an hour.  It ended with the Honourable Cecil Titt limping back to his hotel with two black eyes and one ball less than he started out with.  Mr Ennis was uninjured and remains as chipper as ever.

PUBLIC ADVERTISEMENTS

Join the Relubbus Border Agency (RBA) and help make a difference!

With budget cuts set to make a huge difference to people's lives throughout the UK, the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) believes that many more people might be tempted to flee over the border into Relubbus, which still basks in an annual growth rate of 12.7%

To help combat this situation, the GRUC has decided to expand the RBA twentyfold, taking its combined strength to forty.

Pictured are the two current employees of the RBA, Mr Dougie Addicoat (48) standing on the steps of their mobile headquarters and his assistant, Bert Trembath (32) demonstrating the power of their torch, which is used on nocturnal campaigns.

All 38 new employees will be inducted at the grade of 'deputy assistant watcher', which carries a handsome salary of £14 10s 8d per week, cash in hand.  The package will also include a free pair of bicycle clips, a plastic mac and a whistle.

Applicants must be over 3 foot tall and under 40 stone in weight.  Applications in writing to the RBA, care of Relubbus Post Office.

Relubbus Olympics 2012 - Get Involved!!

The Relubbus Olympics  of 2012 are expected to draw crowds in excess of 100, so if you want to shine in front of a massive crowd in the Relubbus Primary School Sports Field, you had better get training now.  The Relubbus Team is looking to recruit new competitors in the following three events:

One Mile Blindfolded Speed Hop (for both left and right leg events)

Throw Yer Pal sfar as you can (pictured)

Marathon Armchair Sitting 

If you fancy your chances at any of these physically demanding events, contact Ebenezer Elias Polkinghorne at the Western National Central Bus Station, Relubbus.

MAJOR INTERNATIONAL NEWS COLLABORATION ANNOUNCED

Relubbus Roundup teams up with the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt!

Although it is far smaller than Relubbus with (at the last count, in 2004) just 34,600 inhabitants, Liechtenstein has two excellent newspapers, one of which, with millions of readers, has been selected by the Roundup as its international partner. This lucky winner is the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt.

The two globally significant news organisations sent one representative each to a half way point (a roadside café in Hesperange in Luxembourg) to sign an historic agreement which will henceforth mean that Liechtenstein gets inside news about Relubbus and vice versa. The news of the signing has sent ripples around the media world and is said to have caused Rupert Murdoch to have sleepless nights.

Attending the signing for the Volksblatt is their Economics Editor, the very well-informed and deeply attractive Kornelia Pfeiffer.

Kornelia (27 and from Vaduz), pictured here on the left, has the equivalent of thirty two 'O' levels, including Typing and Geography. She is finely attuned to the vibrant throbbing rhythm which characterises the Liechtenstein economy.

Kornelia has long been fascinated by Cornwall and looks forward to an attachment to the Roundup at its premises in the Swordfish, Newlyn.

The Roundup's able representative at what will, in future Media Studies degrees, come to be known as the Hesperange Agreement, is none other than the grand-daughter of the Relubbus mega multi-billionnaire R.C. Oates, little Tamsin Oates. Party girl Tamsin left school (the prestigious and fabulously expensive Nancledra Ladies Academy, run by Miss Tregonning) at sixteen without any qualifications, but this has not held her back in her glittering career. Now 23, she runs the stationery and catering departments at the Roundup.

Curious readers can view the online version of the Volksblatt at www.volksblatt.li.

The link up will provide readers in both countries with many advantages. Two avid readers, Grace Hocking (37) and her friend Martha Lukies (45) from Gunwalloe, pictured here on holiday in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, welcomed news of the big media hook-up. "If you duh think ov'un, it'll be uh proper job. If I duh advertise Enty Mabel's old mangle fer sale in the Roundup, someone from why over to Liechtenstein might want to buy'un. It duh give we a bigger audience, dunna?"

Delighted Volksblatt reader Max Buechli declared, "Tja, wir freuen uns wahnsinning darüber. Relubbus und Vaduz gehören zusammen."

It is expected that the media link will lead to many other cross-cultural connections between Relubbus and Liechtenstein. The Relubbus Institute for Foreign Languages will be making great efforts to help bridge the language barrier. It is producing one of its famous four-way phrasebooks, a few snippets of which we present here. It tells you what you need to say...

Yn Gernow:

• Piw os'ta?
• Ass yw brav an gewer.
  
• Toemm yw hi.

In Cornwall:

• Oo aree?
• Proper weather, inna?
• Sum 'ot inna?

In England:

• Who are you?
• What fine weather!
• It is hot.

In Liechtenstein:

• Wer sind Sie?
• Was für schönes Wetter!
• Mir ist heiß.

People interested in travelling to Liechtenstein will be thrilled to hear that, from next Wednesday, the Western National Bus Service will be running half-hourly services from Penzance Railway Station, via Relubbus, to Vaduz in Liechtenstein. The competitively-priced service will cost £1 14s 4d for a single ticket and £2 9s 8d for a return.

CONTROVERSY OVER PLANS FOR MARAZION BEACH DEVELOPMENT

A firestorm of controversy has broken out over plans to develop the beach from Long Rock to Marazion and turn it into a Multifactional Communist Theme Park.

The idea is the brainchild of one Loopy Potts, a reckless hedge fund manager and all round arsehole from London with a second home in Portreath, who describes himself as "Your average dialectical materialism junkie, but perhaps with a greater leaning towards the Feuerbach than the Hegel".

An impassioned admirer of past Communist despots, he alighted on the idea of converting this Cornish beach into a Gulag, offering forced labour and re-education and other funtime activities round the clock for all ages. 

His idea would be to have a Marxist-Leninist section for those who prefer their communism unadulterated, as well as a specialist Maoist secton for those who prefer Chinese takeaways.

Bewildered Potts-watchers were amazed to hear of this latest plan, given the failure of his multi-million pound Stalinist holiday camp in Camborne. 

However, although Potts has lost pots of money, it seems that help is on the way from a most unlikely source.

A mystery Japanese backer (known only as a Mr Tojo) has offered to go 50/50 on the costs with Potts, if he will agree to balancing up left wing with right wing opinion by having a Sarah's Mad Hatter's section themed on the beliefs and following of his favourite hunting, shooting, fishing and knitting Nazi, Sarah Paling-into-insignificance.

Sarah has become something of a totem for the so-called Tea Party in the USA.  This is a mad collection of rabid right wing nutters and Christian fundamentalists, who share a common hatred of what might be termed 'the state', since, quite naturally, any responsible state would put them all into very secure homes.

The Tea Party takes its name from the chaotically anarchic practices, which characterised the Mad Hatter's Tea Party in Alice in Wonderland.

Sarah's popularity remains high amongst the rabid rightists of the Tea Party despite her unfortunately early descent into Alzheimerland.  Sadly the poor woman now has to write everything down on her hand, if she is to remember it.

However, Mr Tojo still has the hots for Sarah and the necessary yen for Potts and so, at this point, it looks as though the development might go forward.

The project has naturally caused controversy and this has attracted the attention of Synthetic Sylvia (so called because of the amount of plastic skilled Relubbus surgeons have employed to preserve her exterior), the amazing 154-year-old mother of the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Councillor Billy Spargo (124).

Mrs Spargo, shown here coming home from shopping at Morrisons is not at all happy about the proposed development and will be bringing her considerable influence to bear on the situation.

"I didden bleeve it when I 'eard bowt thissere plan fer ovver Long Rock!  I arn dappy, I kin tellee!  I used tuh tek Boy Billy ovver there tuh play all them years ago annit should be jessussame fer kiddies now!  We duh wunt nunnathey bleddy silly Commnist Theme Parks downere.  Annass fer that there Sarah Wassername, goin roun dunnup like sum fancy woman, we aren't avvin nunnathat 'ere. 'Spectable people rownere we are!"

Mrs Spargo told the Roundup that she would be having serious words with her son and that, if he didn't put an immediate stop to all this nonsense, he would not be allowed to go on the Sunday School Treat and would have to go to bed without any tea.

OPIE FINDS OIL!

Colonel Zennor P. Opie (57), celebrated Relubbus military man, explorer, tracker and noted animal and human scatologist, is in the news yet again after his return from a successful expedition to the hitherto unexplored and much feared Segh (or Sygh; spellings vary depending on the Kernewek orthography used. Ed.) desert,  north east of Relubbus.  He brings with him astounding news of huge oil finds.

Opie's unorthodox attitudes have led to his growing notoriety throughout his prestigious career.  It all started very young.

As a very young boy, he took a rapid dislike to his left leg.  With an early display of the kind of resolve which was to make him famous, he decided simply to ignore it for the rest of his life.  Holding it up at bended knee, he had paid no further attention to it ever since, much preferring to hop everywhere, thereby earning the nickname 'Oppy' Opie.

This preference for hopping did not disadvantage him in any way.  At school, he regularly won various races from the 100 yards sprint right through to the marathon, all achieved by his dogged and highly spirited hopping on his ever more powerful right leg.

'Oppy's unusual talents have led him to develop other innovative preoccupations, some of which have found enormous and grateful resonance within an appreciative Relubbus public.

A primary example of this can be found in the Sancreed Semaphore Male Voice Choir.  This fine body of men performs well-known songs - in complete and utter silence - using just semaphore to spell out the words. 

'Oppy proudly leads the choir positioned right at the front using his distinctive baritone semaphore style.  Occasionally he stops 'singing' in order to turn to conduct the choir.

The Semaphore Choir has performed all over Relubbus and has even been booked to play at the St John's Hall in Penzance.

'Oppy is also responsible for leading Councillor Billy Spargo's personal bodyguard, which, as pictured here, is an all female squad recruited entirely in and around Prospidnick, where personal loyalty to Spargo is at its fanatical fiercest.

The 120 young ladies, who can apply their make-up in less than one hour, are all trained to kill.  At any one time, 12 of them are on duty to protect Councillor Spargo and to ensure his personal freshness.

Today, after an expedition lasting some 57 days, 'Oppy has emerged - alone - from the dreaded Segh desert.  All 65 of his support camels had sadly perished in the remorselessly parched desert and he was down to his last bottle of water, when his well-known frame was observed hopping - somewhat wearily - out from the sand.

His thrilling news - backed up by painstaking observations and photographic evidence - is that oil abounds in the Segh desert, in places actually forming pools  on the surface.  Experts have already analysed the initial evidence and believe that Relubbus might possess more than ten times the amount of oil found in Saudi Arabia.

Councillor Billy Spargo (109) was unavailable for comment, since he had gone to spend the week on the Maldives accompanied only by his entire corps of bodyguards.

ADVERTISEMENT

All next week at the Swordfish Inn, Newlyn!

Bearded Doris and the all-girl Grumbla Ukelele band.

Playing Songs for you  from Yesteryear

As well as the 3-hour 1811 Overture by Dougie Tchaikovsky-Penhaligon

Entrance only 95 pence including FREE drink of Babycham and a bag of pork scratchings!!

BRAMMIE THE CAT ACHIEVES YET ANOTHER FIRST!!

Brammie, the amazingly gifted cat  from Ludgvan has already astounded everyone by revealing his ability to talk.Now he has revealed another talent - walking on water!

It was only last year that he appeared on Radio Cornwall to 'give personal testimony' to the impact of devastating human cruelty on the feline world by the performance of vicious castrations on unsuspecting male kittens.

Readers of this magazine and listeners to Radio Cornwall will recall his touching words, which had immediate repercussions. 

The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) issued a banning order on so-called 'doctoring' of male kittens. 

GRUC Council Leader, Billy Spargo, stated "Any vets 'doctrin' any more cats err gunna get 'vetted' by me!"  This dire threat had the desired effect and the cat population of Greater Relubbus consequently mushroomed.

Mindful that the broadcast was taking place before the Radio Cornwall watershed and therefore carefully choosing his words, Brammie - amidst floods of tears - had stated that he had been deprived of his 'wherewithal' before he had even become old enough to contemplate the act which might result in the sound of many little padded paws.

The father-never-to-be from Ludgvan thereby earned the sympathy and support of thousands all over Cornwall.  It was only a little later that most of them had grasped the fact that they really had been listenng to a talking cat.

Brammie, who can also turn his paw to quadratic equations, had realised from an early age that he could understand human speech.  However, it was only after the trauma of his separation from his 'wherewithal' that he realised that he could speak.

As he explained then, "When yer knackers 've bin cut off, you duh wake up bleddy quick an' pay attention.  Wadden long afore I reelised I could talk 'swellas understand!"

Brammie is now back in the news again after yet another amazing feat of walking - on water - from Penzance to St Michael's Mount and back again without getting any of his paws wet.

After his exertions, Brammie relaxed over a restoring pint of beer at his favourite pub, the Coldstreamer, in Gulval and told our special correspondent, Tamsin Trembath (18), who had made a special sartorial effort on his behalf, just what had come to pass.

He explained that, whilst cats do not normally like to be too close to water, let alone in it or on it, fate had revealed to him that he had an ability to walk on it.

He had managed to sneak into Mrs 'Ollis house next door, whilst her beloved budgie was flying free.  He had managed to intercept the budgie in mid-flight and had quickly and expertly dissected it and consumed it in front of an enraged Mrs 'Ollis, thereby earning her immediate and undying hatred.

Propelled by the speed that comes from cold fury, she managed to grab hold of Brammie and, as her house backed on to the Red River, she flung poor Brammie into the fast flowing current, thinking, as indeed Brammie himself thought, that he would thereby meet his doom.

Our feline hero then made his great and happy discovery that he could bounce along the water, never breaking its surface and never getting wet.  He decided to keep this discovery a secret until today.

Having first obtained odds of 100,000,000 to 1 that a cat could not walk on water, he placed a £1 bet to that effect at Ladbrokes before setting out on his epic water trot.

Now Brammie is faced with a problem that not many cats have - how to spend £100,000,000.

He has booked himself in at the Relubbus Veterinary Institute for some urgent 'wherewithal reconstructive surgery', but, thereafter, he is open to suggestions........

NEWSFLASH

First and Last! A Cornish Matador's Dreams meet a Sharp End!

Cornish would-be Matador, Bert Pender (48) from up Pendeen was in the news recently, when he announced that he was 'jackin' in' his steady job as a meter reader to 'ave a bash' at his preferred career path of Matador.

He set off for Spain and was accompanied on the trip by his Enty Doreen (89), who is a part time photographer for the Roundup.

She managed to secure this telling shot of Bert on his very first (and now last) day out in the arena. 

Sadly much damage was done  and Bert has had to accept that he is  now 'dun matadorin' an iss back tuh thuh meters fer me!"

TOUGH CHOUGH ON TOP!!

Gurnards Head is the home of this year's winners of the Proper Cornish (PC) Sustainable Tourism B&B Award, which is presented by the charismatic centenarian leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Mr Billy Spargo.

Spargo is always a firm favourite with the ladies, whether dressed in his civic finery (as pictured left) or whether lounging on a beach in his made-to-measure woollen swimwear obtainable only from fashionable Simpsons in Penzance.

The girlish mother and daughter combination - this year's winners - proved no exception to this rule, as both ladies were so overcome by the masculine magnetism of the great man that they almost forgot to keep their cigars going.

Mother and daughter Agnes (42) and Loveday (21) Trenoweth, have floored all the competition in the PC Sustainable Tourism B&B Awards to walk away with the first prize.

Agnes explains that they operate a luxury holiday facility, called the Tough Chough at Gurnards Head, which consists of a spacious hut and a capacious caravan.
The hut, which is styled as a Swiss mountain "Hütte" can only be reached on foot down a winding cliff path, which twists its painful way through gorse and heather for three quarters of a mile down from the road until you reach the glory that is the Hütte.

Agnes, who lives in the hut, explains that the Queen size bed is big enough to accommodate four more people sideways, if they are happy to shove up, though she insists on being at the end, as she needs to 'go toilet' often during the night.

Wind power lights a 20 watt bulb that bathes the windowless hut in light and when that fails, there is always the candle.  Drinking water is collected from a rain tub, which Mother Nature keeps topped up.  "We duh callun the bounty o' ebben!", declares Agnes.
Washing powder is never used as clothes and sheets are cleaned by the wind alone.  All this underpins the high environmental credentials of this establishment.  But there is more.

The toilet arrangements - in a separate hut with plentiful ventilation holes - provide for the ready collection of all waste, which is then immediately deployed in the vegetable garden, thus rounding a perfect virtuous circle in the food cycle.

Meanwhile young Loveday lives in and operates the three berth caravan, which boasts no less than three windows and a door each side.

The mother and daughter pair rightly pride themselves on being able to offer shameful luxury at the lowest environmental cost.

Alcohol is banned from the the Tough Chough "in case anniyuh they male guests duh get pissed up  and get designs on we!"  Food is wholly vegetarian and all from the cliffside vegetable garden.

The only weakness of the two ladies for supplies from outside lies in their fondness for cigarettes and cigars (the latter being Loveday's particular weakness).  They both smoke incessantly from morning till night, but, as the smoke is always fresh, it is deemed to have a cleansing effect on mind, body, soul and clothes - much like Lampe Berger.

Billy Spargo gushed enthusiastically over the achievements of these  Cornish beauties and spoke at length for almost a minute about how fine an example they were to the rest of the Cornish B&B industry.

The two Trenoweths were over the moon to be the centre of so much attention and were thrilled with their prize of underwear vouchers to the value of £9.75, redeemable at Simpsons of Penzance on any Thursday which happens to be the 5th of the month, at 9.30 am, if the temperature is above 45 degrees centigrade and it has snowed during the previous 24 hours.

ADVERTISEMENTS

Say 'Oui oui' to Weasel Wee!

Yann Kaerell is a fully qualified and quixotic mystic, who is highly skilled in tarot card reading, wiccan banishing, the manufacture of finely woven wicker prophylactics and french polishing, although he claims to do it in a very Breton way.

Yann is passionate about weasels and it was during his daily intercourse with his prized pets that he accidentally collected some urine from his 35 pets over a ten day period and bottled it.

Given the difficulty of collection, he was forced to put a price of £25 on each 5 centilitre bottle.  Following tests on some 50 unwitting volunteers, the mixture, when imbibed, was found to be highly effective in the treatment of a wide range of conditions ranging from constipation to diarrhoea, xenophobia and incipient homosexuality.

Yann is now delighted to be able to offer his new product 'Oui oui' to the general public at the new price of £57 per 5 centilitre bottle at the Relubbus Farmers' Market on Thursdays.  Customers are advised to hold the nose and let the golden liquid quickly flow down the throat to do its good at the start of each and every day for optimum results.

Two Nancledra Anteaters for sale!!

Yes, this is a genuine breeding pair of the now very rare Nancledra anteater, which is the only Cornish breed of this animal.

Reared from birth inside the farm, this duo, named Boris and Doris, are completely house trained and do not even require a litter tray, since they have been using the toilet since the age of 13 months.

Now 'gettinonabit', their owner, Nancledra farmer, Madron Polkinghorne (97) has finally brought himself to a state of readiness to part with his Boris and Doris, who are probably the very last of their kind.  Bids will be welcomed over the next two weeks and serious bidders are asked to bear in mind that Mr Polkinghorne has set a reserve price of £585,000.  'Phone Nancledra 567234