Issue 17, 3rd December 2007

ALIEN LIFE FORM IS CAPTURED IN BOSWEDDEN LANE!
By Science Correspondent Wee Willy MacTodger

Huge excitement is sweeping like a tidal wave through the global scientific community, as Relubbus scientists have revealed that they have "captured" an alien life form -- a veritable green man.

The picture on the left shows the green man being questioned by Professor Pascoe Trevithick and his attractive young lab assistant, Linda Hollow.

The green man has revealed that his name is "Dxyzhyrzhxd", but he would like henceforth to be known as "Ron". "Ron" referred to the far-reaching fame of Relubbus society, which, magnet-like, has drawn thousands of people to come to live within its borders.

He then went on to say that other worlds -- including his, which is called Glxyrrhyzzidotit -- have heard of the flowering of civilisation which is Relubbus. Ron had taken the decision to leave his home planet and come to live in Relubbus as any other ordinary Relubbus citizen.

Ron was found walking down Boswedden Lane early last Sunday morning by PC Derek Hosking, patrolling on his bicycle.

PC Hosking realised that something was not quite right when he observed that "the gentleman" was not walking so much as gliding over the pavement. He called out and approached the figure, whereupon further closer observation revealed that it had no face, just a head. The total absence of a mouth did not prevent "the gentleman" from speaking, as PC Hosking could hear a voice emanating from it, asking to be taken to the Relubbus men of science.

Professor Trevithick (yes, a direct descendent of he of steam engine fame!) and his attractive young lab assistant, Linda Hollow, were quickly roused from their slumbers and began to examine this stranger from the stars.

Ron appeared to be made from green-coloured knitted material. He had no mouth, no ears, no eyes and no nose. Nor did he have any "tackle down below". Despite the obvious absence of this qualifier for the male gender, the Professor respected the stranger’s desire to be known as Ron.

Both Professor Trevithick and Linda were able to confirm Ron’s ability to speak without a mouth as they could quite clearly "hear" his words/thoughts. Further, despite the fact that he was standing immobile, Linda confirmed that Ron was also executing exploratory caresses upon her person -- such that she soon had to absent herself from the laboratory -- which Ron himself cited as a little demonstration that "I aren’t bent!"

His absence of mouth was mirrored by an absence of any orifice anywhere else on his body. However, this did not prevent Ron from emitting an enormously loud and pungent fart, which caused Professor Trevithick to pass out. He was later rescued by assistants, leaving Ron alone -- immobile and quite content -- in the investigation room.

Ron’s request for asylum is being considered by the Greater Relubbus Urban Council’s powerful Foreign Relations Committee. It is expected that they will agree to his request, but that, given his strangeness, he might be restricted to living in either Hayle or Camborne.
MIXED REVIEW FOR LATEST STAGE GEM FROM TREWIN-CHUDDLEWIT!
By Theatre Correspondent Willy Bender
Yesterday, the pulse of theatrical Relubbus beat faster on the occasion of the first night of the latest work of much celebrated, though controversial, Rosudgeon playwright and plumber, Digby Trewin-Chuddlewit. His latest play is a farce entitled Who ate Megan's goose?

As is usual, the playwright himself took the main part -- that of the lead male, Aubrey Tresidder. The three remaining parts were played by (from the left in the picture) Libby Quick (28) of Wendron, playing Agnes Botterill, Gladys Uren (34) of Heamoor, playing Mary Lutey, and Lavinia Cock (31) of Madron, taking the lead female role of Megan Trevanion.

The hallmark of a play by Digby TC, as he likes to be called, is its sheer unpredictability, together with the apparent unconnectedness of the acts and scenes, a feature on which Poliakoff is known to have drawn heavily. However, the thinness -- indeed absence -- of thematic unity did nothing to dilute the enjoyment of the audience, both of whom laughed hysterically right from curtain up.

The play opens with Tresidder sitting on the toilet -- thinking. We -- the audience -- are allowed to hear Tresidder's mental meanderings, which seem to consist solely of his lustful imaginings involving three ladies. With each of these ladies, he engages in easy and comic banter, but I must confess that, for my personal liking, the playwright has relied far too heavily on double entendres. I believe that I counted the response "That's a hard one" 37 times and even after the third repeat (accompanied always by a knowing look at the audience), it began to lose its comic effect and even began to grate on the mind.

The requirement for each of the ladies to slowly disrobe in front of the audience to the soundtrack of "the Stripper' is an ingredient of any play by Digby TC. I don't intend to be "ageist" in any way when I say that this play was, in that respect, a vast improvement on the previous play, in which all the female parts were taken by nonagenarians. The trim young things in this play were a pleasure to watch and I am sure that the DVD featuring these scenes will sell well.

Libby Quick, in particular, deserves a special mention -- not least because she is my neighbour's daughter. Well done, Libby!

The Tresidder monologue -- which lasted one full hour -- seemed to involve the reading out loud of the Relubbus telephone directory, with pithy comments added when the names are known to Tresidder. I am not sure of the legal position here. Digby TC will doubtless say that it was his character, Tresidder, making the various defamatory remarks, but I doubt that this will wash with the great and the good of Relubbus, whose reputations were thoroughly besmirched, to the great amusement of both members of the audience.

Together with the drama critics of The Times and The Nudist Weekly, I was, as this report must surely suggest, a little disappointed with this latest offering from Digby TC. There were highlights in dialogue, in the revealing dances of the trim young things, and in the even more revealing statements Tresidder made about some leading Relubbus figures, but there was also something tired and formulaic about the "predictability" of the unpredictability. Also, we never did find out who ate Megan's goose!

Willy Bender Theatre Correspondent
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OBITUARIES
RELUBBUS SAYS SAD FAREWELL TO "SOSHUL" POLGLAZE
There was hardly a dry eye in the whole of Relubbus as the time came to bid the final farewell to one of the most colourful characters to have graced the streets of the city. Archilaus "Soshul" Polglaze, who was immensely proud never to have done a day’s work in his long life, died last week at the age of 84 and was yesterday laid to rest in the Relubbus National Cemetery.

Pictured on the left sitting in a chair outside his house in his famous "at rest" position, Soshul liked to observe life. Indeed, those with a long memory will probably recall that this fondness for observation got him into some trouble many years ago when he was apprehended up a drainpipe at St Clare’s Girls School, peering into a shower room while "looking for bats".

Although he did no work himself, he was a very public-spirited man and could even bring himself occasionally to watch other people working. Typical of the generous nature of the man, when he did so, he was unstinting in his free flow of advice as to how they could perform their work a little better.

A man who enjoyed a fine state of physical fitness throughout his life, Soshul was extremely reluctant to jeopardise this state of health through undertaking work of any sort. His sole motivation for so doing was to avoid incurring any sort of injury which might possibly make him thereafter a burden on society. It was, in a curious way, his life’s work to avoid work. It was a mission in which he enjoyed the greatest success.
LAST BLAST FOR "POSTIE" LENNIE LUTEY
Yesterday saw the funeral of much-loved Lennie Lutey of Lanyon Quoit, the postman and amateur trumpeter, who passed away last week at the sadly early age of 62.

Lennie was proud of the contribution he made to society as a postman and was responsible for delivering the post from Newbridge to Nancledra for over forty years.

A resident of Lanyon Quoit, he was an enthusiastic member of the now thriving local silver band, which he founded some 35 years ago.

Together with his partner Eric, Lennie was a very keen keeper and breeder of budgerigars. The pair also built up an impressive model railway track, which included a stretch that came out through the front wall of their bungalow and round the garden -- a feature which proved very popular with all the young lads in the village.

Lennie was never caught and arrested for any misdemeanour whatever. He will be sadly missed by all those whose post he delivered for so many years, as well as by the members of the silver band. A memorial concert is being held for him at Lanyon Quoit village hall next Thursday evening at 7.30 pm.
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MAURICE LA BALGE, BRETON MYSTIC, FORETELLS ALL!

He can read your future as well as you can know your past;
His awesome powers of vision will surely leave you quite aghast:
For none is such a master of the arcane divining arts --
And none has power to release such devastating farts!

Aries You are feeling on top of the world this week. Enjoy it -- it won't last! The police will be coming to arrest you next Tuesday. You will be charged, will not get bail, will receive a prison sentence and, as far as I am concerned, they can throw away the key. It was disgusting -- and how can a duck "lead you on"?

Taurus You will have a chance encounter with a stranger in the Kwop next week. It will lead to wonderful things and you will have his baby. The roof needs attention.

Gemini You have been feeling uneasy for a few days now. Stand up for yourself and do not allow yourself to be led into doing things that you are uncomfortable with. A ginger cat will cross your path on Thursday or Friday. If it is on the Friday, you will have a big lottery win.

Cancer Your insurance claim will be unsuccessful. Keep trying, it will work one of these days. Your 101 year old mother is very ill. I predict that she will not be with us for much longer. Treasure her company.

Leo Wendy makes you feel like the woman you always dreamed of becoming. Next month the operation will take place and it is likely to go well. You should now shave off the beard.

Virgo Your mother is right... he was a basatrd and, though he may have been your first boyfriend, he will not be the last -- there are other fish in the sea. However, now you must concentrate on your GCSEs. Next month you will have confirmation that you are carrying the bastard's child.

Libra You are living life at a helter-skelter pace! Slow down! Take things easy. You will not lose your job. Your health will be good. Yes, your sister will die, but that will only secretly make you happy -- your father's inheritance will now come only to you. However, beware! He will be swept off his feet by a gay milkman, to whom he will want to leave all his money. Killing the gay lover "accidentally" is the only way out.

Scorpio You will be the school's conker champion! Great news, but even better, Linda Penhaligon will let you have a feel "upstairs". Try to avoid a trouser accident while you are exploring Linda's upstairs or you will get hell from your mother. You won't be picked for the school football team next week, but hang in there -- next year you're in!

Sagittarius On Wednesday, leave the house at 7.30 am precisely and walk towards the town clock. In front of the First and Last Inn, you will "bump into" someone who will change your life. There is a path for everyone in this world and, for you, it is the path of lesbianism -- enjoy!

Capricorn The bell tolls for someone -- again -- but it does not toll for you. You have years to go yet. You will next week develop the first symptoms of the bladder problem that will be your constant companion until your death in 14 years time. It would suit you to have a budgie or even a parrot.

Aquarius Sell your house -- realise all your assets -- move to Tasmania! That is where the pages of destiny next turn positively for you. If you remain, loss of wealth, health and reputation is foretold for you. You will be reduced to selling your body outside the Swordfish Inn -- but I for one would not be prepared to pay! Be gone! Flee!

Pisces Pleasant Christmas thoughts are beginning to flood your mind. Your kindly soul turns to preparations to make this a Christmas the children will warmly remember for ever more. However, imprisoned as you are for your misdemeanours as scout leader, you will find it difficult to implement these warm thoughts. The appeal will be unsuccessful -- this time...
'He Roundup -- he visit 'he Spanish Embassy
One of the jolliest ambassadors to the Court of St Piran (the formal name bestowed on the diplomatic community within Relubbus) is without doubt his Excellency Don Javier Pedro de Hacienda y del Cuarto de Caballeros, the Spanish Ambassador. "Don", as he likes to be known, is a scion of one of the most ancient and noble families in Spain and is nothing if not a little eccentric.

"Don" has become a familiar sight in the Boswedden Lane diplomatic district, as he sits in his wooden go-cart, which is drawn at breakneck speed by 73 tame squirrels through the streets of Relubbus.

His eccentricity extends to other matters as well. A keen swimmer, he has been an impassioned supporter of the new sport of underwater billiards (without the use of SCUBA equipment!). Incidentally, whilst playing billiards in this manner, he has managed to achieve a record in underwater gas release (as measured by the size and explosive flammability of the bubble reaching the surface) -- a feat he attributes to his diet of homemade paella.

He is pictured on the left, striking the tambourine he always carries with him and with which he punctuates his every word. On high days and holidays, he replaces the tambourine with castanets.

Don has made a strenuous attempt to understand Cornish culture and the way of life. He spends two days a week working at Warrens Bakery in St Just in order to assimilate the Cornish way. He is involved in a secret project there to develop a paella pasty, which will then be launched in Spain.

Despite his noble birth and privileged background, Don has not been very successful academically, having achieved no qualifications whatever in his native land. Now, he is taking full advantage of his stay in Relubbus to try to rectify all that by attending a course at Camborne Tech, where he hopes to achieve an HND in Technical Drawing and Woodwork.

Don is also an enthusiastic member of the 500 strong Goldsithney Mouthorgan ensemble, which meets every Thursday evening in the Scout hut for rehearsals.

Don is not only a keen participant in Cornish life, he also likes to contribute to it. Using the 300 falcons he has brought with him from Spain, he has founded the Relubbus School of Falconry, which has already attracted two students, Bert and Brenda Polkinghorne.

Although he did have a gay phase whilst trying to become an artist back in Barcelona, Don is insistent that his heart (and indeed any other parts) were not really in it and that he has been happily married to Juanita, "who she is expert in making paella!", for 17 years.

Before we knew it, out time (a whole afternoon) had quickly passed and it was time to leave the embassy and its fascinating inhabitant.

For those with official business, the Spanish Embassy is situated at No 365 Boswedden Lane and is open from 9.00 am till 2.30. After a siesta of 4 hours, it re-opens in the evening and closes at 9.30 pm.
Lonely Hearts -- they need love too

They yearn for someone - just like you.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!

Ladies -- meet Keith Trevarnon! He's 47 and is a man with a difference. Ever since a brain injury as a little child, Keith’s language has been restricted to two phrases, which he adroitly stretches to cover all situations. The magic phrases are "Me do peepee now!" and "Are we there yet?" You might think that these linguistic restrictions would have put a brake on Keith’s life, but not a bit of it! He has managed a PhD in psychology and now works as a psychotherapist.

Keith has a 6-bedroom detached house in Goldsithney (no mortgage) and drives both a Porsche and a Volvo Estate. A flamboyant dresser, he is looking for a woman who can match his sense of style and who has achieved a similar degree of success in professional life. A classical music lover, Keith has the Botheras triangle version of all Wagner’s works and would like a woman who will share this love of his. A pipe-smoker himself, he would prefer a woman who does not smoke. Keith is adamant that no scrubbers need apply. Box 4571




Derek Bolitho (36) is a gas fitter from Pendeen. He is Keith Trevarnon's cousin and (as the observant reader will note!) shares Keith's taste for flamboyant dress, but that’s as far as the comparison goes.

Derek has two failed marriages behind him, both of which foundered as a result of his being found "interfering with" with nearby farmyard animals. This aberration has been attributed to his growing up in the countryside in close proximity with farm animals, "which everyone duh find cute, you gotta admit it!"). Ladies will be pleased to note that Derek is convinced that he is over this little weakness now. He is now looking for a cute little lady (he says "no fat tarts") with whom to share the rest of his life. Box 5993



Gwen Bosallow is a 26 year old "working girl" from Tregeseal. The President of the Penwith Prostitutes Collective, she is an assiduous campaigner for the rights of sex workers. It is estimated that there are some 500 working girls in Tregeseal alone. Not liking to bring her work home, Gwen actually works in the square in St Just, taking clients either to Playing Place (by night) or Cot Valley by day.

Gwen is a Sunday School teacher and is an active member of the St Just artists’ circle. Gwen wants a traditional a S'nooster (St Just man) who will be broadminded about her line of work. Box 4321

Loveday Jelbert (22) works in the fruit section of smart, upmarket fruiterer's, Tregenza's, in the Greenmarket, Penzance. She lives with her parents in the sought-after King’s Road area of Penzance. Her mother and father would like her to meet a nice young solicitor or accountant. Escorted to work each morning by her mother and collected in the evening by her father, Loveday has led a very quiet sheltered life, as she has never been allowed out before. Her mother, Alicia, will be accompanying her on all or any dates up to and including the honeymoon, when she will also be joined by her husband, Horton.

Loveday has no interests and has not yet been potty-trained or learned to speak. She is, however, loaded, so men -- do not hang about! Box 5639



Wenzil Tuckbottom (24) is an inventive young man, who is seeking to apply the principles of ballet and mime to every minute of his working day. He has launched his own building and decorating business, called Building Beauty with Flourish, which is seeking to blend gracious movement with utilitarian function. Accordingly his building jobs may cost a little more, but they are performed with beauty (or will be when he gets hired).

Wenzil is looking for a partner -- both in his business and in his life -- to help him in his quest for beauteous life and work. He has designed daily costumes for himself and his partner-to-be -- as modelled by himself in the picture on the left.

Wenzil has not laid down any criteria for his partner-to-be to conform to, merely stating that the right people will apply when they see this advert. ("When he sees this, he’ll know it's for him!") If that is you, then Box 4529 is the one to write to. Wenzil is waiting.



IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• SPECIAL CHRISTMAS EDITION!

• A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL -- FROM THE CHILDREN OF RELUBBUS

• WHO PAID FOR SPARGO'S MADEIRAN LOVE-NEST?

• CHRISTMAS WEATHER FORECAST FOR RELUBBUS

• Getting to know Relubbus -- Why is Boswedden Lane so named?
  

• RELUBBUS CENTRAL BANK ACTS TO QUELL PANIC

• Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts section

• And much, much more!

Issue 16, 19th November 2007

ALARM IN CAPITAL AS CORNISH INVADE LONDON
By London correspondent Sylvia Cook

If you've visited the capital recently you cannot have failed to notice the various chains of Cornish pasty shops that seem to be propagating themselves everywhere. Two of the newest chains are "Oggie! Oggie! Oggie!", the lastest venture of the Relubbus mega-capitalist R.C. Oates, and "Oggies 4 All", owned by Oates' arch-rival, the stupendously wealthy Marazion billionaire W.G. Trevaskis.

Oates' declared aim is to 'put a pasty shop on every London street', while Trevaskis swears to match Oates' every move. The consequence is that many London streets now contain branches of both "Oggie! Oggie! Oggie!" and "Oggies 4 All", often next door to each other!

It is small wonder that some residents are expressing disquiet. The Roundup visited the capital and interviewed a cross-section of Londoners who have had to bear the brunt of the pasty invasion. Many feel that their local culture is being undermined by the "foreign" invasion.

'It is not possible to obtain proper Muslim food here any more. Our local Halal butcher has been taken over by "Oggie! Oggie! Oggie!". Now all you can buy here is "Pasties", "Eavy Cake" (whatever that is), "Clotted Cream", "Saffern Buns", and "Og's Puddin"! Everything's changed. It just doesn't feel like home any more.' Mrs Fiona Assad, Southall.




'Our bagel shop has gone. Instead, all we've got is "Oggies 4 All". It's not kosher!' Mo Rosenthal, Golder's Green.



'When I came here from Gdansk two years ago I could get all Polish food at the corner shop, imported direct from Warsaw -- pierogi, kolaczki, makowiec, babka cakes. Now "Oggies 4 All" has bought them out and I can't get anything I recognize. I don't like that foreign Cornish food!' Krysta, Notting Hill.







'The Cornish have no business coming up here. Cornwall is a place one goes to on holiday, where one has one's second home. We need them down there to do the gardening, etc.' T. Blair, Islington.






'Hampstead property prices have plummeted since "Oggie! Oggie! Oggie!" and "Oggies 4 All" moved in.' Rupert Fawcett-Fawcett, Hampstead.

UNEXPECTED TWIST IN SARCOZY LOVE STORY
By Grubber Trevorrow. Photographer Snapper Kelynack
The luminous glare of a full moon on a cloudless night lights up the landing strip at St Just airport, as the French air force jet comes in to land. It is 3:30 in the morning and all law-abiding folks are tucked up in bed. A Robin Reliant motor car, specially selected to blend in with local traffic, hushes its way, almost silently, up to the steps of the jet plane. A lone figure ghosts down the steps in the silvery light and quickly leaps into the car, which then steals away into the West Penwith night.

Unknown to this figure, two silent sleuths have both witnessed and captured the scene. These are none other than the Relubbus Roundup’s own winning reporting duo, Alcibiades "Grubber" Trevorrow and photographer Xenophon "Snapper" Kelynack. Tipped off by one of the Roundup’s informants at the Elysee, the two staked out the airport and tracked every subsequent movement of the "lone figure", who is, of course, the French President M. Nicolas Sarkozy.

As Sarkozy drove off into the night, quickly accelerating the Cornish-registered mean machine to its maximum speed of 19 and a half miles per hour, Trevorrow and Kelynack reached for their bicycles and set off in silent but hot pursuit. After several minutes of hard peddling, Trevorrow and Kelynack were relieved to see the Robin Reliant slow down, pull into a little drive outside Heamoor, and come to a halt.

Then it struck them! This was the childhood home of Agnes Spargo (89), Billy Spargo’s estranged wife, who had now taken to living there again, after her husband had moved in with Madame Cecilia Sarkozy. It seemed that the lure of sweet revenge had led the French President to strike up a relationship with Spargo’s estranged spouse.

Observations over the next few days showed that Sarkozy was so blinded by his desire for revenge on both his wife and Councillor Spargo that he was prepared to overlook Mrs Spargo’s numerous physical ailments in his quest for vengeance. In between their trysts, he was seen wheeling Mrs Spargo out for an afternoon stroll, wearing a heavily scented scarf around his face, both to mask his identity and to afford some protection from the virulent smells emanating from Mrs Spargo’s body.

As to the origins of his jealousy, few who have seen them together can doubt the sincerity of the mutual devotion which Councillor Billy Spargo and Madame Cecilia Sarkozy bring to one another.

Smouldering beauty Cecilia (34) deserted her husband and left him alone in the cold, comfortless formality of the Elysee Palace. She is now ensconced in a secret love-nest in Tremethick Cross, where she spends each day waiting for the return of the new man in her life, for whom she has given up so much and for whom she now lives and breathes. She can now only occasionally be glimpsed taking her pet lizard (Nik Nik) out for a stroll.

The new man in her life is, of course, none other than the hugely powerful and influential leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council, Councillor Billy Spargo (81), shown here wearing his latest disguise, in an unsuccessful attempt to shake off the relentless Relubbus press corps.

Relubbus-watchers are astounded at the vital energies of this man, who devotes 10 hours a day to the affairs of state in Relubbus Town Hall, interrupted only by his mid-day break for his daily pasty (bicycled around to him fresh from the factory at St Just). Despite this phenomenal workload, which would exhaust a far younger man, Spargo (86) is known also to have a passionate and physically demanding relationship with young Mrs Sarkozy (22), which is also a part of his daily routine.

It was last Wednesday, on the third day of his visit, which he had hitherto believed to have been conducted in total anonymity, that President Sarkozy (42) was cornered by Grubber Trevorrow outside the chip shop in Causewayhead, Penzance, and quizzed about his relationship with Mrs Spargo (99).

By this time, the whole Relubbus press pack (never far from Trevorrow) had assembled around the beleaguered French President and was battering him with relentless questioning. In the face of all this, he clutched a photograph of Mrs Spargo (103) and, with tears beginning to flow down his cheeks, he declared with a slightly strained, but proud, voice "Je ne regrette rien!"

With these words, he retreated to his Robin Reliant and sped off back to Heamoor.



CORNISH LANGUAGE INSTRUCTION IS BOOMING!
By Cornish Culture correspondent Rendell Janner
Cornish Language Instructors are amazed at the sudden explosion of interest in learning the Cornish language -- which is being replicated all over the land. Pictured below is one of 23 new Cornish evening classes which have just started up in Heamoor alone. Class sizes are being limited to 120. The 2,760 new students of the language in Heamoor are matched by countless thousands all over the rest of the county.

Mrs Elspeth Treloar, who runs the Heamoor Evening Institute, is amazed. "We don’t know what’s going on. Last year we ‘ad two people fer car maintenance, one fer crochet, and one fer French. This year, we got 2,760 fer Cornish. I never seen the like of ‘un before!"

This amazing and unprecedented demand for instruction in Cornish, which county-wide amounts to some 78,000 new students, has led politicians to wonder what significance it could have. The UK Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, who is perennially nervous about how he is being perceived by the public, is particularly concerned by the fact that interest in learning Cornish extends far beyond the borders of Cornwall, with several tens of thousands of students attending classes from Plymouth all the way up to London.

Billy Spargo of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council has not yet made the learning of Cornish a political issue, but all eyes are upon him as the numbers of people wanting to learn the language spiral beyond anything we have seen before.

(As reported in our last issue, in future prospective immigrants to Relubbus -- of whom there are many -- will be required to learn Cornish. Ed.)
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BITTER FIGHTING ON HAYLE BORDER
by Foreign Correspondent Chester Minute

The long-running border dispute between Greater Relubbus and the People's Republic of Hayle shows no sign of resolving itself, as heavy fighting continues in the area of "Merlin's Magical Land", the theme park seized by the Haylors during the "Six Day War" of 1968.

The Republic's crack troops, the First Hayle Alpine Brigade, are reported to be advancing on a broad front, with the avowed intention of "pushing the Greater Relubbus Expeditionary Force (GREF) into the sea". Presumably, the "sea" referred to is the Channel coast, since the Republic's troops are currently moving southwards, away from the Hayle estuary.

The GREF high command is said to be regrouping its 7th Armoured Division of Humvee Waste Disposal Trucks (WDTs), in preparation for an Autumn counter-strike, before the winter rains make the conditions for armoured warfare untenable.




ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!

THE GUNS OF NAVARONE

starring GREGORY PECK, DAVID NIVEN, and ANTHONY QUINN


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.

THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE IRANIAN EMBASSY
The Iranian Embassy in Relubbus is not situated in the diplomatic quarter, but is located in a cottage in Tregarthen Lane, a part of Relubbus inhabited by many followers of the extreme Methodist fundamentalist sect, the Golems.

His Excellency Ambassador Ahmed Al Dinner-Jacket explained, "We feel it very at home with Golem Methodists, who have it belief very much like it we do." The "we" refers to his young assistant, Mr Lari-Fari Rafsanjani, who sat next to him on the sofa during the interview.

He elucidated further that the Golem way of life was so close to that of the Iranian that they often felt like they were at home. The practice of the Golems in referring constantly to "eeyupabove" was at one with the practice of Iranian devouts in their frequent calls to the almighty.

He also referred to the Golem belief that women were the "work of the devil", ever since Eve had led Adam astray. Women had to be put up with as punishment for man’s fall, but women were to be treated as the lowest of all the low. It was therefore the duty of all right-thinking men to frequently chastise their women. The many restrictions on Golem women -- to remain covered at all times, to observe strict silence at all times (particularly during the daily beatings!), to keep the home and the other belongings of the husband spotless at all times -- all this made the Ambassador and his assistant feel comfortable and at home. "Golems recognise that women have to be endured, although some of us are lucky enough to be spared that onerous duty", he said, fondly squeezing his assistant’s knee.

At this point Lari-Fari darted off to the kitchen, where he quickly rustled up some Ash Reshteh (a hearty soup) followed by Kookoo ( a type of omelette) with Adasi (lentils). As we dined on these surprisingly tasty offerings, Ahmed volunteered "I do not know it what I would do it without my Lari-Fari. He is good at it in garden, good at it in office, good at it in kitchen, good... well, everywhere he is good at it", at which point the assistant blushed with awkward and embarrassed pride, not quite knowing where to look.

The Ambassador explained that the economic might of Relubbus was such that it left the Iranian Republic no choice but to have a presence here. However, it had proved an unexpected delight to find kindred spirits in the extreme Methodist fundamentalists. This had given rise to much interest back home in Teheran and arrangements were well in hand for cultural and religious exchanges between Tehran and Relubbus.

The Ambassador noted that the Iranian people had much to learn from the Methodist fundamentalists about the treatment, and particularly the beating, of women. A guest speaker from Relubbus had been invited to address the 8th Teheran Symposium on Female Chastisement later this year. With a fond glance at the demurely blushing Lari-Fari, the Ambassador said again, "We feel so at home here!"

An awkward silence followed and we got the clear impression that we were somehow intruding on private time. We consequently made our excuses and left.
Lonely Hearts -- they need love too

They yearn for someone - just like you.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!

All over West Cornwall, there are lonely people. These are people, who -- if only they could find the right partner -- would be completely happy. The sad fact is that Mr or Miss Perfect could be just around the corner. If only they could meet. The Relubbus Roundup is pleased to be able to act as an introduction agency by publishing the following personal advertisements. Read them and you could find your soulmate.

Jasper Trembath (32) is not just offering you flowers -- he is offering you his undivided attention. He has rather a lot of time on his hands, since no one has sought fit to employ him. He has been seeking a job as a puppet impersonator ever since he has left school -- 16 years ago.

He lives with his Mum in Goldsithney, but both he -- and she -- are agreed that he would be allowed to leave home to go to the right woman, provided that she did not live further than 15 minutes drive.

Jasper is still deciding on what hobbies he should take up. Until he comes to a decision, he is more than content to watch daytime television with his Mum. Jasper’s favourite meal is bangers and mash, followed by strawberry ice cream. He eats this every day and would like a girl who can cook this for him, when he leaves Mum. His ideal girl will own her own home, have a steady job (with hours from 7.00 am to 9.00 am, while Jasper is still sleeping), drive a nice fast car, and share his love of daytime television. If this is you and you like the look of Jasper, then write to Box 4561.


Grizelda Tonkin (34) is a nail manicurist from Ludgvan. She had a difficult upbringing and did spend some time in jail for a variety of offences, ranging from car-jacking to shoplifting and mugging. She says that she has put crime well behind her now, but that her time inside did give her a useful trade -- that’s where she learnt to be a fully qualified manicurist.

A saucy girl, who likes to laugh, she enjoys a regular drink or two with some of her other reformed ex-prisoner friends. However, real fulfilment will only come once she has found the man in her life. She would like to hear from Denzil Trevains (great-nephew of the late lamented Banjo Trevains), a garage mechanic in Marazion, but if he is not interested, then she would be pleased to hear from anyone who is male and who is keen on natural blondes. Box 3498 is the one to write to.


Veronica Laity (24) is a charming, pretty, vivacious girl who works behind the counter at Spiegelhalter’s in Penzance. She likes to think of (and dress) herself as the fairy of Heamoor, where she still lives with her family. She is waiting to meet her Prince Charming.

Veronica is a busy girl. She is a member of the Heamoor handbell group. She also helps run the girl guide troop in Heamoor. On top of all that, you will be amazed to read that she also voluntarily spends two hours a day at the Old Folks' home in Heamoor. Given all that busyness, it is difficult to imagine where she also found the time to contract the various sexual diseases for which she is now receiving treatment. However, this weekend will see her get the "all clear" -- gents, hesitate no longer! Box 4562.


Lucy Quick (44) is a music and dance teacher from Botallack near St Just. Lucy has been married twice, but unfortunately both husbands died from nervous exhaustion in strenuous circumstances. Lucy is hoping that "this will be third time lucky!"

Lucy does not mind what her suitors do for a living nor does she care what they look like, but she is insistent that they must have a strong constitution.

Interested applicants are advised to write to Box 4571, but they should be aware that Lucy will be holding "auditions".



Martin Nankervis (28), seen here being supported by his father (after coming home from a date), is of a nervous disposition. He is a washing machine repairman and works in the Lizard area, where he also lives with his widower father.

Martin lacks confidence and love-struck ladies should be aware that Martin’s dad will be accompanying him on all dates "to make sure that the boy’s alright."

Martin earns £145 a week -- after tax -- and can, therefore, be regarded as something of a catch. However, he remains unsure if he can relate to girl "if dad isn’t there".

Could you imagine falling in love with and taking care of this gorgeous hunk of a man (and his dad)? If you can, then Box 5093 is the one for you.

Vernon Lanyon (43) is a carpenter and builder from Tregeseal with his own very successful business. Having built up the business over the past twenty years through sheer hard work, he is now looking for a young woman to share the fruits of his labours and of his loins.

Apart from looking after him and the house, his wife should also help him look after his seagull collection. He currently holds some 3,000 gulls captive.

Each day, he takes one out for "experiments". If they survive, they are allowed to fly away, though this does prove difficult without wings. Vernon hopes to be the first human being to fly (without engines) and is using gulls' wings and feathers to construct a device to enable him to do this. If you would like to share the life of this lovely and adventurous man, then Box 6682 is the one for you.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• ALIEN LIFE FORM IS CAPTURED IN BOSWEDDEN LANE!

• Review of "WHO ATE MEGAN'S GOOSE", the latest production from impressario Digby Trewin-Chuddlewit

• "YOUR STARS", with famed Breton mystic Maurice LaBalge

• OBITUARIES: RELUBBUS SAYS SAD FAREWELL TO "SOSHUL" POLGLAZE

• THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE SPANISH EMBASSY

• Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts section

• And much, much more!

Issue 15, 5th November 2007

IMMIGRANTS "MUST LEARN CORNISH"
By political correspondent Rendell Janner

At a tempestuous meeting of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) last night, controversial council leader Billy Spargo announced plans that would require all future immigrants to Relubbus to learn Cornish.

In recent years, there has been a huge rise in the number of people, particularly from England, wishing to emigrate to Cornwall -- and to Relubbus in particular. The picture shows a group of potential emigrants queuing outside the Relubbus Embassy in London.

Mr Spargo said that an "unacceptable" situation was developing whereby non-Cornish-speaking immigrants were electing to live in their own self-contained enclaves that had little or no contact with the indigenous population. Many immigrants, he said, made no effort to learn the language, and had no knowledge of Cornish history and culture.

This was "regrettable" for both the indigenous and the incomers, he said, because it made for a divided society in which both groups were impoverished. He called for both groups to explore and celebrate each other's cultures in a spirit of diversity.

Mr Spargo went on to say that the existence of self-contained immigrant "ghettos" was also dangerous, since it could encourage extremists on both sides to target the other's "tribe".

To reduce the problem of immigrant enclaves, Councillor Spargo said that, in future, all prospective immigrants who applied for residence in Relubbus would be required to take a test in Cornish Language and Culture. The Roundup has been lucky enough to obtain a sample test, which we reproduce below.

Cornish Language and Culture Test
Time allowed 2 hours. Write on both sides of the paper. Do not start until told to "Get 'un on!"

1. Write down, in full, all the verses of the Cornish National Anthem, Trelawny. (You may write the English version, if preferred.)

2. Jonathan Trelawny was:
(a) A 17th century bishop.
(b) Scrum-half for Cornwall in the 1991 County Championship Final.
(c) Inventor of the seed catalogue.

3. "An Gof" is Cornish for:
(a) A miner.
(b) A blacksmith.
(c) A travelling salesman.

4. The sentence "I'll do 'un drekkly" means:
(a) I'll do it right away.
(b) I'll do it tomorrow.
(c) I'll do it at some indeterminate point in the future.

5. Write down the recipe for "'eavy (or "'eva") cake". Your cake must be of sufficient consistency and weight to act as a door-stop to a medium-sized oak door.

6. The patron saint of Cornwall is:
(a) St Augustine.
(b) St Piran.
(c) St Nicholas.

7. The national sport of Cornwall is:
(a) Wrestling.
(b) Rugby.
(c) Gig racing.
(d) Association football.

8. The colours of the Cornish national flag are:
(a) Red, white, and blue.
(b) Red and white.
(c) Black and white.
(d) White and black.

9. Which of the following materials have NOT been mined in Cornwall. (You may mark more than one.)
(a) Tin.
(b) Copper.
(c) Gold.
(d) Lead.
(e) Arsenic.
(f) Rhubarb.

10. Which of the following did Richard Trevithick NOT invent:
(a) High-pressure steam pumping engine.
(b) Steam-driven carriage.
(c) The Hawaian surf board.

Note to examiner: Answering (d) to Question 7 or (b) to Question 8 results in automatic failure.

Mr Spargo went on to say that, provided that prospective immigrants passed the simple "Language and Culture" test, to gain admittance to Relubbus they would be required to:

1. Undertake to attend an extended course of Cornish language lessons.

2. Swear allegiance to Relubbus on the flag of St Piran.
CREATIONISM IN OUR SCHOOLS -- the debate!
By Education correspondent Rendell Janner
Relubbus Central Hall in fashionable Boswedden Lane was the scene of a heated debate on Thursday evening, when the champion of Creationism, Goldsithney double-glazing mega-billionnaire Theophilus Rosewarne (on the right in our picture), clashed with Relubbus’ own "Appliance of Science", the acclaimed Praze-an-Beeble physicist, Professor Thelonius Treglown.

The Hall was packed with supporters of both sides. The referee of the debate was none other than the nephew of Councillor Billy Spargo, Harold Spargo, the noted, but somewhat retiring, Ludgvan philosopher.

Rosewarne was egged on by the legions of Methodist fundamentalists who made a point of attending the event. In dramatic fashion they filed into the hall one by one in total silence and lined the walls of the hall. All four of them were clad in black greatcoats, which barely concealed an array of weapons. With fearsome glances all around, they adopted threatening postures. Whenever Rosewarne got up to speak, they let out a deafening roar of repeated choruses of "Praise the Lord!". When Treglown tried to reply, they shouted out even louder "Work of the Devil!".

Given the presence of Spargo’s nephew, order was restored with the arrival of troops of Relubbus police, who took up positions around the hall and surrounded it completely -- a commendable feat, as there were only three of them. The temperature reached such a level that secret service man "Donkey" Clemo was called back to duty from a night off at the Bald Duck.

With order somewhat restored, Rosewarne trumpeted his belief that the whole of creation was summoned into being at a particular time on a particular day in a particular year -- the 23rd October 4004 BC. This elicited a cry of "Balderdash" from Donkey at the back of the hall. The fundamentalists looked him over and, realising that it was the secret policeman himself, a shadowy figure known and feared throughout West Cornwall, judged silence to be a better option than response.

Treglown, tempted to probe this astonishing accuracy further, asked at what time of day the creation event occurred. Rosewarne, his whole frame alive with the electricity of certainty, raised his finger at Treglown (as captured by our photo) and, fixing him with a glare that promised eternal damnation, declared loudly ‘It ‘appened at 2 o’ clock in the afternoon, jes' after danner!"

Clearly amused by this devastating show of hell-fire simplicity, Treglown, a witty man, asked Rosewarne if he also believed in Father Christmas, thereby earning an infuriated punch to the chin.

With Rosewarne now securely restrained by the powerful arms of Donkey Clemo, Treglown was hoisted to his feet by PC Hosking. He then gave a passionate speech in which he called for the light of clarity to illuminate the education of the children of Relubbus.

He asked for no more and no less than that they should be allowed to share the fruits of the labours of the men and women of science, of history, and of education. He called loudly for the retention of the teaching of evolution in the schools of Relubbus, "despite the fact that evolution occasionally gives rise to such laughable aberrations as Mr Rosewarne and the fundamentalists".

This last comment brought the house down and Relubbus Central Hall, usually a seat of learned debate, was transformed into an arena of fast and furious combat between fundamentalists and the police, who, aided by Donkey Clemo, eventually prevailed.

It is understood that the teaching of Creationism will be confined to the many Methodist fundamentalist schools (or madrasas) in and around Relubbus.
ADVERTISEMENT
Come Dancing with Jemima Trevithick!!

You may be getting on now, but you haven’t got a Zimmer.
The light may now be fading, but there’s still a little glimmer.
So come now to Jemima’s and we’ll teach those feet to dance
And while you learn the steps, you might well also find romance!

Retired, but not yet got your Zimmer? Then "Get down and Boogie" at Jemima Trevithick’s dance studio for the elderly!

Jemima, pictured here on the left in mid-groove, caters specifically for people of advanced years, who, whilst still capable of independent, unsupported, motion are a little unsteady on their feet.

This is a specialist facility for the elderly and it has a number of features, which set it apart from other dance studios.

In a friendly way, Jemima shouts very loudly at everyone through a megaphone, so that there is no possibility of their not hearing instructions.

The dance floor has a super-absorbent covering, so that any "accidents" from the incontinent are soaked up without trace -- apart from the smell, of course. Jemima also sells incontinence pads for both men and women.

All dancers are sprayed with heavy perfume on arrival so that there is no embarrassing "old people smell" in the dance studio.

The music is provided from a wind up record player and half-price lessons are available to those people who volunteer to operate the record player.

Each lesson costs a mere £149.99, which is cheap at the price, given that all Jemima’s helpers are qualified geriatric nurses, none of whom have been expelled ignominiously from their previous jobs.

So, if you’d like to lose Mum or Dad for a few hours, just bring them down to Jemima’s!! Jemima’s -- at 14, Boswedden Lane Relubbus
CELEBRITY -- hidden in Relubbus
By Social & Arts correspondent Elsie Rescorla
Relubbus is an economic powerhouse, a fortress of financial strength, a paradise of cultural delights, a land of brilliance and of tolerance. It is, therefore, no surprise that it has, over the years, drawn thousands of the world’s rich and powerful and just plain famous to come and live within it. Although these "celebrities" tend to gather in the environs of the fashionable diplomatic quarter, Boswedden Lane, they have been buying properties all over Relubbus. So just who are these celebrities in our midst? The Roundup shines its torch on just a few of them.

Jennifer Aniston was captured in the photo on the left looking very relaxed whilst taking tea at Polly’s Kettle in Marazion.

Jennifer is an American screen star, pursued by paparazzi wherever she goes. However, in Relubbus and West Cornwall there are so many famous people that she can simply blend into the overall tapestry of glitterati.

When in Relubbus, she lives a simple life. She likes to walk her pet badger, "Uggles", along the beach in the early mornings. She enjoys catching fish, sitting on the harbour wall, and then devours them live and raw. She enjoys simple, playful fun of the sort to be gained from "accidentally" jamming an umbrella into the spokes of a passing wheelchair and watching the startled passenger topple out, whereupon she assumes the character of "Miss concerned", helping the victim back into the chair and even signing an autograph.

George Clooney (left) is another Hollywood star who finds that he can only really be himself in Relubbus. Heart-throb George has taken to living under the assumed name and character of one William Ladner, painter and decorator. The clever plastic surgery he has had done boosts the efficacy of his disguise.

His cover is further maintained by the fact that his live-in partner, Avril Blewett, is convinced that they have lived together for 32 years and knew each other at school before that.

George will not sign autographs, but he will be happy to quote you for any internal or external decorating.

Charles Dickens, the celebrated novelist, is alive and well living in Relubbus, at the ripe old age of 195. Having given up writing some 137 years ago, he slipped away from his Gad’s Hill Place home in Kent to try another way of life altogether. He came down to Relubbus to work as a road sweeper, and is particularly happy that his "patch" is the Boswedden Lane area, because that is where all the rich and famous can be seen.


Jilly Goolden, the UK TV wine expert, can be seen here (wearing a particularly heavy disguise) clutching her habitual "wakey wakey" breakfast glass of wine.

Down in Relubbus, Jilly assumes the name of Selena Curnow and works as a sofa, bed, and chair tester for the Kwop furniture store. Despite branching out into this new way of life, she just can’t let the old wine habits go.

Ming (pronounced "Menzies") Campbell is the former leader of the Liberal Party in the UK. Deemed, at 94, a little too old to be leading the party, he was edged out by his colleagues’ cold shoulder. With his charming partner, Eric (a professional Tarot card reader, masseur, and make-up specialist), he has now come to Relubbus. Eric has used his skills to give Ming that "Black and White Minstrel Show" look, which Ming loves, because it was one of his favourite TV programmes.


Tony Blair is finding it hard to adjust to no longer being the UK prime Minister. He is seen here leaving No 10 Trevaskis Lane (purchased purely because of the house number) in a picture sent in to us by his wife. He is on his way to his new job in Curries in Penzance, where he is specialising in the selling of washing machines and spin dryers, since computers and new televisions contain more gadgetry than he is comfortable with. He travels to work with his wife, who has got a job behind the counter in Warren’s.


Roundup Reporters challenge Oates’ Superstore divvy coupon forger!
By Crime correspondent Rendell Janner
Doughty Roundup reporters have been on the trail of a mystery man who has been making forgeries of dividend coupons issued by the R C Oates superstore in Relubbus. These valuable coupons, which can be cashed in at the store, carry nominal values of from 9 to 37 pence. So far, at the outset of its new dividend scheme, the Superstore has issued 7 coupons, all to the value of 11 pence. However, the market has now been flooded with forgeries. Five coupons, all in the highest value of 37 pence each, have been presented to the store for redemption.

R C Oates, the multi-mega-billionnaire and canny businessman owner of the Superstore immediately became suspicious, since he knew that only 7 coupons had been issued and also that he didn’t intend to issue any more. He contacted the editor of the Roundup and asked for help in tracing the forger. Reporter Alcibiades "Grubber" Trevorrow and photographer Xenophon "Snapper" Kelynack were duly despatched to track down the super criminal.

Using CCTV from the superstore, which held images of the criminal trying to cash in the coupons, Grubber and Snapper soon tracked down and dramatically cornered none other than Trencrom Polglaze -- as shown in the photograph left. Mr Polglaze will appear before magistrates next Thursday.



LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
THIS WEEK'S STAR LETTER wins a limited-edition pewter statuette of GRUC council leader Billy Spargo, specially designed for the Roundup by internationally-famed sculptress Dame Barbara Hepwitch (decd.) *

Dear Sir,

As a long-term resident of Relubbus (moved down from London 8 years ago) I find much of your publication -- in particular, the anti-royalty references -- offensive. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, is a fine woman (as I know from a close acquaintanceship with her first husband) and does not deserve to be lampooned in this way.

The remainder of your rag I find incomprehensible. There seems to be a sub-culture in the area of which I was entirely unaware. Of course, it doesn't help that I don't speak the language.

Yours sincerely,
A.J. Cholmondely-Jackson (Major, retd.)

(The Roundup is always grateful to receive constructive criticism from its readers. To aid our English readers, we plan to publish further editions of our popular "Proper Job -- Cornish for the Non-Cornish" language tutorials. On the subject of the "Duchess of Cornwall", see our exposés of Lily Nichols. It is important to realize that the former Camilla Parker-Bowles and "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall" are not the same person. Ed)

Dear Sir,

GRUC chairman Billy Spargo is a neighbour and good friend of mine and I can state categorically that he is NOT having an affair with Madame Sarcozy! And the rumours about the poodles are completely without foundation.

A publication of your undoubted probity and reputation should take more care in checking its sources!

Yours sincerely,
Annoyed, Relubbus (name and address supplied)
* Based on a design by Dame Barbara Hepwitch. Actual design by Tcheepo Plastics of Relubbus.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!

THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN

starring YUL BRYNNER, STEVE McQUEEN, ELI WALLACH


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.

Poetry Corner
By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka

It is our pleasure to be able to publish, from time to time, the less well known poetical works of the folk of West Penwith. One such less well known poet (though highly acclaimed by those who have had the pleasure of reading his works) is a Penzance chemist, who chooses to use a pseudonym to preserve his anonymity.

One of his more recent works focuses on the life of a chemist and we are proud to have the opportunity of publishing the poem here in full.

The Chemist

by Ranulph Oxyacetyline-Burner

When folk have problems with their motions
It is my task to brew up potions.
And this I do to stem the flow,
But, just as well, I can make them go.

If ladies fear the lines of age,
I have the wherewithal to assuage
Their need of ointments, creams, and waters --
To make their skin just like their daughters’.

For aches and pains of every sort
I have a solution that can be bought.
So if you are on a medical quest
Come straight to me, for I know best.

My shop is found on Market Jew,
From whence I have a splendid view
Of all that passes up and down
In this our most beloved town.

Lonely Hearts -- they need love too!

They yearn for someone - just like you.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!

Amelia Tonkin (26) is a beauty therapist from Germoe. A gregarious girl, she says "I like bein’ out wi' me mates, ‘avin’ a laugh an’ a drink an’ a fag!" Having taken a first class degree in Astrophysics at Cambridge, she decided 5 years ago that she did not want a long term career, but preferred instead to get married and settle down in Cornwall and have kids. She now lives in the parental home and is learning to become a fully qualified beauty assistant at Tracey’s Hairstylist’s in Newbridge. She has spent the first three years becoming expert in fingernail painting and the time since then she has been working on feet. She says "I duh dearly luv doin’ this practical work and it’s much more interesting than what astrophysics was". Her ideal partner would be a trainee garage mechanic with a comparable astrophysical background. Box 5622 is the one for Amelia.

Joe Kelynack (34) is a British Gas engineer from Hayle. He has had some near misses in the romance stakes but, as he says, "A miss is a good as a mile -- I won’t be ‘appy till I’ve 'ad me first date!" Joe lives very much alone apart from his large goldfish and hamster collections, with which he spends a great deal of time in his quest to breed a "hamfish". Suffering, as he does, from virulent forms of OCD in matters of personal hygiene, interested young ladies will find that he is squeaky clean. He longs for real togetherness, which, for him, means being tucked up in bed with his jam-jams on next to the lady of his dreams, while she reads to him from his extensive Beano Annual collection till he falls into blissful sleep. If you would like to be the lady in Joe’s dream then write to Box 5671.


Tommy "Golem" Kneebone (24) is a member of the extreme Methodist fundamentalist group the Gwennap Gangsters. He is shown here at a secret location in St Ives Porthmeor beach, where he is in training to join the armed wing of the group, which is active and feared throughout Cornwall. He is looking for a "proper Cornish maid". However, she must be of the Gwennap persuasion herself. That means that she will remain fully covered (from head to foot) at ALL times, never speak or make noises (even during the daily beatings) and she must be able to make excellent pasties, which don’t break "when I’m on a mission!" Box 4592 if you are she!

Libby Liddicoat (25) from Tremethick Cross works at the St Erth Creamery as a shorthand typist for the manager. She is an activity girl and has lots of hobbies such as archery, hockey, underwater speed-knitting, and aerobic embroidery. She is also an avid collector -- of many different things such as cowpats and various animal droppings. She is particularly fond of collecting gentlemen’s wallets. She says that she is keen to take up line dancing with the right partner and is seeking a very specific sort of person.

Apparently, he must look just like George Clooney, have a car which costs as much as the average house, possess a pilot’s licence and have his own plane. He should have at least a couple of million in the bank. He should also live within walking distance of Tremethick Cross. She would like to have the pick of, at least, 6 people who fit the bill. If that’s you and you live in Tremethick Cross and lovely Libby is your sort of caring girl, then Box 6745 is the one for you!

Jemima Trevithick (29) from Perrananworthal is, at 3 foot 1 inch, a little on the short side. She works as a part-time cake decoration for Warrens Bakery. However she is very sensitive to any references to her small stature and is quite insistent that her man should be as tall as they come.

She does rather fancy a relationship with a basketball player or someone at least 7 foot tall. Jemima is a sweet and caring girl, who has simply not yet met the right man. She is a traditional home-maker, apart from her hobby of torturing kittens -- in which she displays an astounding inventiveness. Box 7894.

Baldence Bodinnar (32) is a ladies hairdresser living in Gurnard’s Head. He describes himself as a "sensitive" and would like to meet a young man of similar age and with a similarly wide parting. His hobbies are playing marbles and conkers. He has played the penny whistle in a folk band for some 14 years now (he wears a wig for such appearances) and is a competition class cabbage grower, who takes gardening very seriously indeed. The young man he hopes to meet will probably also be a hairdresser... from Marazion... called Dennis. So Dennis, if you are interested, "Baldence is willing". Write to Box 3391 (or call in at Hazel’s Hairfair in Newlyn).

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• ALARM IN CAPITAL AS CORNISH INVADE LONDON

• UNEXPECTED TWIST IN SARCOZY LOVE STORY

• CORNISH LANGUAGE INSTRUCTION IS BOOMING!

• BITTER FIGHTING ON HAYLE BORDER

• THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE IRANIAN EMBASSY

• Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts section

• And much, much more!