CAMILLA PRESENTS CULTURAL VANDALISM AWARDS

Lily Nichols, the ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, reprised her familiar role of the mythical English aristocrat, the soi-disant "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall", on Wednesday, when she presented the annual National Cultural Vandalism Awards, sponsored by the Department of the Environment and English Heritage. (It's amazing to us that the English press haven't cottoned on to Lily yet. They still seem to believe that "the Duchess of Cornwall" is a real person! Ed.)

Presenting the awards at English Heritage's South Western headquarters in Bristol yesterday, "Camilla" announced the winner of the prestigious "Vandal of the Year" award to be none other than -- English Heritage!

In her speech, the "Duchess" praised EH for its "crass ignorance and arrogance in ignoring the depth of resentment in Cornwall about Cornish Celtic and pre-Celtic sites being administered by an unelected body calling itself "English Heritage", under a banner based on the red-and-white flag of England".

It was to honour just such insensitivity that the National Cultural Vandalism awards had been instigated, she said.

The award itself is a headdress in the form of a Christian halo, and the awards ceremony involves the presenter removing the halo from her own head and placing it on the head of the recipient. Lily is shown above, wearing the award before the ceremony.

In response to the award, EH South West's Chief Administrative Officer, Mr Kyron Bunt, said that he was proud that the organization's role in erasing the distinctive culture of small nations had been recognized.

The Duchess announced the joint winners of the runners-up prize to be the local artists responsible for removing the "English rose" symbol from hundreds of brown tourist signs, throughout Cornwall.

In second place, the vandalised "English rose" road sign

DO YOU KNOW THIS MYSTERY WOMAN???

People all over West Cornwall have been encountering a mystery woman, pictured below, who stops them, and asks "How do you do?" and "What do you do?" in an affected way, which suggests she believes that the innocent accostee knows who she is, which they never do.

She has been spotted in Morrison's, in the KWOP and at Lidl's in Penzance. She has also been seen loitering with intent outside the flagship RC Oates Supestore in Relubbus.

Some suspect that she is trying to emulate the celebrity of Lily Nichols, the ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, who is widely admired in Cornwall for having conned large sections of the gullible English media into believing that she is an aristocrat, namely the wife of the so-called Duck of Cornwall.

Lily's impersonations are particularly effective when she is accompanied by her friend from the home with his impressive set of false ears.

Maybe the mystery lady is after the same acclaim as Lily, to whom she bears a strong resemblance, except in the matter of body odour, where she has way to go to match Lily's virulent pungency.

Quite apart from her strong physical similarity to Lily Nichols, she also resembles her in that she likes a good roll-up, and has been seen popping into various stores to top up her supplies of Old Shag and cigarette papers. She then starts badgering people for a light, saying things like, "I simply must smoke it here, Big Ears doesn't like it when I smoke at home!"

The mystery lady also like to take a drink or two, or three....

ODGO SEMMENS -- POET OF THE PEOPLE

By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka

'Odgo (the "dg" is pronounced as in "stodge") Semmens (73), the restless Penzance poet of Colinsey Road, Treneere, has recently received the honour of coming twelfth in the Perrananworthal Horticultural Society's poetry competition. (The other 8 contestants were all younger than him.)

His entry was a reflective work taking the theme of his Penzance childhood. Written in, unusually for him, standard English, this work is entitled Cornish Boy's Childhood.

Cornish Boy's Childhood

As a lad, I played in hedgerows and smelt the earth and green,
And felt a strange excitement as Linda became my queen.
A kid's small world to him is vast and time it has no end --
Events just string together in childhood's journey without end.

Penzance it was my universe -- the world that I could see,
There was no place beyond it that could mean as much to me.
For all those in the world I loved could be seen within a walk,
And the comfort warm of Cornish chat could be heard within their talk.

Family day out in Trevaylor beneath those trees so tall,
With hide and seek, then sandwiches and laughing fun for all.
I have so many images of now distant boyhood years:
It is a world lit up with love, in which there were no fears.

I wish that every child could know the warmth of a loving nest.
When small, I knew just my Cornish home -- for me it was the best.
A Penwith boy, of Cornish blood, I grew on Cornish scenes;
And feel the love of that sweet place abundant in my genes.

'Odgo

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Already, their Enty Dorothy has promised to buy three copies of their record and they are hoping for more purchases soon. There is even talk of a 'grand tour' as far as the Lizard.

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PEOPLE IN THE NEWS

The Roundup provides a 'roundup' of people who have been making the big news in West Penwith!
Voluptuous Brenda Rosewarne (27) from Tregeseal, St Just, is not just a go-ahead executive in charge of sheet music for Marshall James' Music in Market Jew Street, Penzance!

In her spare time, she is active in four different sports. Last week she came 8th in the Tregeseal Methodist Church Egg and Spoon Race.

The week before, she managed to secure 3rd place in the Pendeen Open Cross Country 5 mile Hopping (left leg only) race.

Last month, she scooped second prize in the Tremethick Cross Magnifying Glass Ant-frying Speed Contest (frying 356 ants in just 30 minues!).

Yesterday, she topped all her other achievements by coming first in the Sancreed Sack Race (It differs from other such races in that the sack is worn over the head and thus, once one has been spun round the regulation 36 times to achieve disorientation, one has precious little chance of going in the right direction, quite apart from covering the 220 yards in the required 8 minutes). Breathless Brenda was over the moon with her performance, saying "I am over the moon!"

Hankie Penhaligon (41), on his organ on the left, and Ben Dover (39), fully engaged with his instrument on the right, are kitchen fitters by day, but sing proudly for God in the evenings.

The two boys founded the group "Cornish Voices for Jesus" years ago at Mousehole Methodist Youth Club. Now their runaway success with their last hit, "Satan's feet don't smell too good!", has won them the support of the Christian Records Label and bookings from Heamoor to St Buryan.

Mecca Bingo caller, Dougie Botterell (76) has been let off without a caution for "pestering" young innocent Penny Treglown (21). The couple are pictured here together last month at the Mecca Bingo in Penzance, when Dougie called her up for the twentieth time for a special prize.

Penny complained, "the dirty old bugger was jes lookin' down my cleavage". The magistrate, Mr Tommy Botterell (no relation) said, "No one can blame my cousin for wanting to have a look. Have you seen the size of them? She ought to carry a health warning!"




Prospidnick Stage Hypnotist Jacko Clemo (52) has been in the news recently for all the wrong reasons. He originally achieved fame by hypnotising rabbits and getting them to recite medieval poetry and perform other un-rabbit-like acts. He is believed to have achieved the peak of his career some years back, when he hypnotised some grass snakes into thinking they were birds and actually got them to fly!

Now, alas, how the mighty have fallen! He was arrested last week for preying upon the residents of the Gwithian Home for Retired Gentlewomen, having hypnotised them (none of them are younger than 97) into believing that they were the 25 year old inhabitants of a house of ill repute and that he was the sole gentleman they had to entertain.

Gay Cornwall was over the moon at the celebrity marriage in Camborne of Mebyon Kernow Gay Rights Campaigner, Aloysius Landshark (45), "with all the gay gear" on the left, to his chosen partner Ben Dover (28), an unemployed brick-layer from Falmouth.

The happy couple were said to be overjoyed that so many representatives of the Devon & Cornwall Police (Gay division) had turned out to be supportive and perform their synchronised baton-waving routine.

The happy couple will honeymoon at Long Rock for 7 weeks and will then be moving into a caravan near Sennen to begin married life together, with their budgie, "Harold", who is not gay.

A DOCTOR ADVISES...

The Relubbus Roundup is proud to be able to retain the services of Boswedden Lane Specialist, Dr Zennor Pengelly (67) of Rosudgeon, pictured below left, who is here to give you the benefit of his inestimable medical knowledge. Readers with any concerns about their own state of health or that of their loved ones should not hesitate to consult Dr Pengelly. The good doctor may be consulted either in Cornish, Cornish-English or in English.
Agnes Andrewartha (49) of Parc Wartha Estate, Penzance writes in: Dear Doc Pengelly, My 'usbant used they Veeagra tablets you sent we las' month fer £2,500. We 'ave used all but one of the 12 tablets and they ebbent 'elped 'im withis little problem, which duh remain as little as ever. We took the las' one down Peasgoods in the town and the chemist there said they was jes' Aspirin. I do bleeve you sent we the wrong bottle.

Doc Pengelly responds: Dear Agnes, I'm sum sorry bowt the mix up with they pills. 'Es my ansum, I do bleeve you're right and we can put that right dubble quick. Jes' put a cheque fer £3,000 in the post fer me and I'll send ee they pills.

Loveday Polkinghorne (21) of Treeve Farm, Hayle, writes in:

Dear Doc Pengelly, I am very worried. I came in to see you three months ago bowt my ingrown toenail and you saw me thirteen times with a different expert each time (though they all seemed to wear the same mac). Then you gibbed me that special lotion to wash my foot in and said it'd all be cleared up no problem in 8 weeks. Well, nuthin's changed and I kent afford no more lotion at £75 a litre

Doc Pengelly responds: Dear Loveday, well, my bird, You doan av tuh worry. I'll sort 'un out fer ee. Bucket a sea water is jest as good. Pop down to the bay, fill up the container from the sea and we wain't say numore about'n.

Captain Johnnie Rearguard-Action of Shag's Nest, Nanjizel writes in: Sir, I write on behalf of my gardener, Derek Tonkin, who came to your consulting rooms to seek help in respect of a nasty chest cold he had contracted, whilst doing some nude gardening with my wife last winter. Apparently you have prescribed him 40 Capstan Full strength . How could you be so irresponsible? Everyone knows that Craven A is recommended for people with sore throats.

Doc Pengelly responds: Sir, I take issue with you strongly on that point. There is no medical evidence whatsoever to suggest that there is any difference in smoking Capstan Full Strength, Craven A, or even Woodbines. What is required is that the respiratory system is suitably 'fumigated' throughout the day. Forty cigarettes daily should do the job nicely. However, for pregnant women, a minimum of sixty cigarettes a day is recommended. (Nursing mothers can receive the cigarettes on prescription.) I trust that you are not suggesting that your gardener contracted pregnancy during his nude gardening stint! I am content to remain with my original diagnosis in respect of Mr Tonkin.

Napoleon Bonaparte (Emperor of the French, King of Italy, etc, etc) of Les Invalides, Paris, writes in: Sir, you have l'honneur of receiving your second letter from me. In my first epistle, I offered you Sardinia in exchange for a effective means of combatting my receding hair. That was four weeks ago and I 'ave receive no reply! This does not make me 'appy. You 'ave two days before you receive visit from the Garde Imperiale.

Doc Pengelly responds: Sir, Having consulted your medical records, it appears that you have been in a state of confirmed death for the last 187 years. Most hair-loss remedies are known to be efficacious, if at all, only ante mortem and I know of none for which claims can be made post mortem. However, you may just try coating your head in fresh horse manure each night for fourteen days. This may well work. If I receive the keys for Sardinia in the post, I shall know that we have succeeded.

RELUBBUS HOME FOR ABANDONED ANIMALS

The Relubbus Home for Abandoned Animals (RHAA) provides a rescue centre for all manner of cute little creatures that have been simply ditched by their cruel owners. The RHAA prides itself on never turning away any creature and has developed something of a speciality in caring for unusual pets.

Bosjethnan Tregadgwith (78), pictured left, the Director of the Home, has stated that the rising oil price is to blame for many people abandoning their pets, particularly the more unusual ones, because of the steeply rising costs of specialist animal feed, which has to be flown in.

Exotic animals such as the winged alligator, the Ecuadoran flying two-headed snake, the bespectacled worm, the bipenile toad and the antarctic four-eared antelope all require very specialised foodstuffs which have to be flown into St Just Airport.

Mr Tregadgwith, a pensioner, is unable to fund the suddenly increased costs of the home and has been reduced to trying, unsuccessfully, to sell his body in some of the disreputable gay bars between Pendeen and Zennor in a forlorn attempt to raise the desperately required funds.

Desperate times call for desperate measures and poor Mr Tragdgwith is even having to think of parting with his most prized possession, his beloved 'Farty', an extremely rare example of the Cornish Rex Amoris lapdog.

Farty (pictured left) has been Bosjethnan's dearest companion ever since the death of his 'sweet wifekins', Ariminta, 10 years ago in a tragic accident involving electric curlers and the bath. Apparently the dog is the spitten image of his dear wife, a former Miss Prospidnick many years ago.

Apart from the tender moments Farty spends with his owner at night and five times during the day, he is a fierce guard dog happy to rip the throat out of anyone his master designates as 'Sowsnek". Farty is reckoned to be able to fetch as much as £5,500,000 on the open market.

Readers may wonder just what sort of exotic animals are in the care of the RHAA and the Roundup is pleased to be able to present some of them now.

The rarest specimens are an unusual animal pairing of "Harry Hippo" and "Theresa Tortoise". The devoted couple are believed to be unique in the animal kingdom. They are pictured here on the left in one of their unusual 'rest' moments.

Much of the day seems to be happily spent by the couple in, as yet unproductive, humping of Theresa by Harry. Bosjethnan is eager to see just what sort of offspring there might be.....a 'hippoise' or a 'tortippo'. Zoos around the world are also eagerly following the couple's progress.

There is equal zoological interest in the peculiar specimen of Aberdeen mouse shown on the left. Named 'Wee Squeakie', the mouse is bigger than a bull and equipped with fearsome horns. Wee Squeakie shows no sign of discomfort in the presence of cats - if anything it is the latter which display fear of the former.

The animal's appetite is also hugely greater than that of a normal mouse. Its squeak too is very much louder than anything to come from a normal mouse. On the plus side, its droppings work wonders in the garden!!

Known as 'Tickles', the alcoholic beaver (shown here with a unusually EMPTY wine glass for a change) is a perfectly normal beaver except for his requirement for red wine. His daily consumption is somewhere between 9 or 10 bottles.

He is particularly fond of Spanish Rioja and French Bordeaux, both of which make him very happy. He does not get on well with Italian Chianti and, in fact, is likely to become dangerously aggressive if Chianti is put into his cage by mistake.

So, Readers, you now have an opportunity to display your generosity by digging deep in your pockets to help out Bosjethnan and his animals. As an incentive, Mr Tregadgwith informs us that the first letter to arrive at the home with a cheque for in excess of £15,000 will win the fabulous prize of looking after Farty for a week!!