PETROL-SAVING MOTORS FROM RC OATES

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By Motoring Correspondent Horton Tregarthen

In these days of ever-rising petrol prices, RC Oates Automotive Industries are proud to announce new models that will save you money!

First up is the hand-powered motorbike, shown below. This truly innovative invention is reputed to do 32,578 miles to the gallon, although this figure may well be an under-estimate, since in tests so far the petrol has never needed to be replaced!

RC Oates' hand-powered motorbike

For business users, we have the ground-breaking battery-powered truck, shown below. This too promises enormous savings in fuel costs. Although the initial cost of the battery is high, at £3,999,999.99, the battery is rechargeable (via a supplied hand-crank), and is expected to pay for itself in a short period of time.

RC Oates' battery-powered truck

A perceived drawback of the battery-powered truck is the relative lack of storage space for goods, due to most of the rear of the truck being occupied by the battery itself. However, in a design masterstroke, this has been compensated for by additional storage space (allocated from the driver's sleeping quarters) in the cab.

The new vehicles will be manufactured at RC Oates' state-of-the-art fabrication plant in the People's Republic of Hayle, shown below. Among industry experts, this plant is widely acknowledged to be second in sophistication only to the robot-controlled Trevaskis Motors' factory situated in the garages behind Penponds Close, at Alverton, Penzance.

RC Oates' state-of-the-art fabrication plant at Hayle

WONDER DOG CAN TALK!!

Relubbus Central Veterinary Hospital has been thrilled by the achievements of its very latest "patient".

'Colenso' (pictured here on the left) is a representative of a very rare Cornish breed of dog, the Sancreed Sloucher, which is typified by very thin legs and a very large head. The Sloucher is believed to be the descendant of those ancient Celtic war hounds that so terrified the Roman legionaries.

However, in Colenso's case the characteristics are extremely strongly pronounced, giving him an enormous head (5 feet in diameter) and painfully thin legs, which are barely capable of supporting his head, which accounts for 8 of his 9 stone in weight.

In fact, it was his difficulty in keeping his head up that brought him into hospital in the first place. The problem was solved by putting his head in a cushioned and supportive little frame on wheels.

Doctor Horton Bolitho, director of the hospital, said "Little Colenso has won over all the nurses with his cute and winsome ways. Once you get over the imbalance between head and body, he begins to look very cute. Also, the fearsome characteristics which so worried the Romans have been bred out of the breed over the centuries.

However, the most miraculous thing that we have discovered about little Colenso is that he is capable of speech. His very large head has given him a voicebox capable of human-like speech and a significant brain, which has enabled him to understand human speech and to use it himself".

Astounded nurses came across Colenso reciting rhyming couplets to himself when he thought no one was listening.

After several weeks the Roundup was admitted to the hospital and allowed to interview Colenso, who spoke as follows:

"Actually I am quite pissed off about that bugger Bolitho saying that I have got a big head. I mean -- have you seen the size of his big bonce??!! Its a bit of a bleddy cheek! I insist that, if you print a picture of me, you also print a picture of that bighead Bolitho!!""

Never wishing to mislead or disappoint, we print here on the left a picture of Dr Bolitho, who, we do have to admit, does possess a head which is far larger than can be considered normal.

Indeed, he seems to be cranially super-charged, but, unlike Colenso, does not appear to be compensated by an unusually high intelligence.

Colenso, who has quickly learnt to read since entering hospital, has most recently taken to wearing a bow tie and has become a keen crossword solver, able to complete the Times crossword in under four minutes.

Now that he has got some sensible support for his head, Colenso is thinking of leaving hospital and getting a job. Rather fancying Fiona Bruce, Colenso would like to become her newscasting partner and believes that, as the world's only talking dog, he must have an excellent chance of success.

Before leaving for London to apply for a job alongside Fiona -- for whom he could woof all night long! -- he will be appearing "in conversation" at the Relubbus Panopticon Theatre next Monday and Tuesday evenings. Tickets are available from £95 each.

LESSER KNOWN RELUBBUS SOCIETIES

Relubbus is justly famed throughout the world for its vibrant intellectual life. It is home to a great many clubs and societies devoted to philosophical, poetical, and musical pursuits.

The Roundup now takes you on a journey of the lesser known societies that grace and enrich our beloved Relubbus Aeturnus.

Relubbus Naturist Club

Pictured on the left -- an outing of the Relubbus Naturists' Club's cycling group.

Tucked away at No 32 Prospidnick Avenue is the unassuming home of Jed "Stumpy" Kelynack (79) and his wife Vera (57).

Jed, who has been one-legged ever since an unfortunate accident involving a badger when he was just 12, has resolutely refused to allow his uni-pedal status to interfere with his life. Dismissing sticks and crutches as 'sissy stuff', he simply hops everywhere.

Jed is the proud, but somewhat unlikely, chair of the unusual Relubbus Naturists' Club. The club is traditional only in the sense that its members perform various activities in the nude. It is unusual in its unorthodox selection of activities, for the pursuit of which there are sub sections.

The picture above shows the cycling section, which has 84 members. This cycling club is like any other apart from the fact that its members all whistle in harmony whilst pedalling. Jed is sadly unable to cycle alone since he only has the one leg, but he does ride tandem with Vera and is the "lead whistle".

Another hugely popular sub-group is the crochet circle (38 members). It has the unusual unexpected attribute that it is, at the same time, a conversational French group.

A third group is the rhetoric and cake-making group. Given its high standards in both rhetoric and cake-making, there are only 12 members in this group at present.

Last, but not least, there is the hugely popular break-dancing and Gregorian chant group. Both activities are difficult enough, but performed together they are very exacting indeed.

All of these activities are, we repeat, pursued in the the nude and Jed, as the enthusiastic chair of the society, is in each one of them and proficient in all.

Heavy Duty Knitting Club

On the left is Clarence Clemo (31). Clarence is a self-confessed 'heavy duty knitter'. (He made the hat he is wearing during a single episode of Eastenders) Five years ago he formed a help-group for other people who suffer from Uncontrollable Compulsive Knitting Syndrome (UCKS).

The compulsive nature of UCKS means that few people are willing to own up to membership and even Clarence is more than a little sheepish about the help-group he has founded. The astounding revelation he has made is that, in the five years since knowledge of the group has seeped out, 5% of the entire population of Greater Relubbus has confessed to suffering from this syndrome and has applied to join to get help.

Clarence says that it takes a long time to 'turn' a true knitting addict, but the group (with its 55,000 members in Greater Relubbus alone) has already had success in 'cleaning up' some 150 former addicts, who have put their needles away for good.

Anyone affected by any of the issues mentioned in this article, who would like to talk to someone in confidence can call the club's confidential 'Stop Knitting' helpline on Relubbus 456456.

Cyrano de Bergerac Society

Particularly popular with the 18 to 32 age range, the fast-growing Cyrano de Bergerac Society can count members from as young as 3 and as old as 104. The only requirement for membership is convincing plastic surgery so as to achieve an outward appearance such as that depicted on the left.

The group -- with 34 members -- meets every Thursday and Saturday night in the social room of the Relubbus Deep Sea Mission. Members have to speak in a heavily French-accented English and all talk of television programmes is banned.

Given the almost prohibitive cost of the surgery, membership is not expected to grow beyond the numbers already secured from the Relubbus plutocracy. If you are tempted, you can telephone Relubbus 459872 for information on necessary surgery and joining the society.

YES, IT'S COMPETITION TIME AGAIN!!!!!!

Readers rejoice!! It is another chance for you, our READERS, to win fabulous prizes!!

Regular patrons of the Relubbus Panopticon will immediately recognise this picture of the fabulously talented Zelda Barncoose (29) of Zennor, playing her zither, while her devoted husband, Jimmy (32), a butcher from St Just, beats out the tune with his hat upon her head.

The all-important question is, "WHAT TUNE IS SHE PLAYING?" The Editor would like, at this point, to insist that Miss Bernice Pierce of St Clare, Penzance, does not write in again (for the 93rd time) to state that the tune is "Camberne 'Ill". The only clue we are giving is that the song is NOT Camberne 'Ill.

So the first step towards winning any prize is guessing which tune Zelda is playing.

Regular readers, especially those from Dar Es Salaam, will be well aware that supplying that one answer will not be enough to win the prizes. No one knows that better than the Editor's 3-year-old niece, Loveday, who has won many of the prizes for the past 6 years. "Prizes", I hear you say, "what might these be?"

First prize this time is nothing less than this sparkling, brand-new 2008 Cornish Avenger car, pictured on the left. Available only in sea-green with pink go-faster stripes, this motor will be the envy of all your friends, equipped as it is with the very latest in gizmos.

We cannot name them all but, for instance, the driver's door has a handle that enables you to lower or raise the window, thus adjusting the condition of the air in the car. We call this "air-conditioning" -- just watch other car-makers imitate it!

In another groundbreaking development, the front windscreen is equipped with a "wiper" which wipes away rain, enabling the driver to motor safely through thunderstorms. So, at a stroke, gone are the days when you couldn't drive in the rain.

In every model of the the Avenger there is also a transistor radio taped to the back window, which is capable of picking up not only Radio Cornwall, but also Radio Caroline, for those of you who like racey music. You can change between the two channels at the flick of a switch, although, of course, you do need a friend in the back seat to flick the switch for you.

Hidden in the glove department is a coin-operated, fruit-flavoured-condom dispenser for the many James Bond moments that are bound to arise in a car of this calibre. The dispenser operates on Lithuanian litas coins and offers three favourite Lithuanian fruit flavours -- blueberry, gooseberry, and loganberry.

In addition to the driver's seat, there is now also an UPHOLSTERED passenger seat, which will provide unheard-of comfort for the little lady in your life!! In the back, the plank has now been planed so that no splinters will ever again give discomfort to your passengers.

The engine is a technologists' dream, representing the very latest in advanced automotive engineering from Trevaskis Motors!! The engine runs on the excreta of the Tasmanian Wolf. This has the advantage that it is very eco-friendly, but labours a trifle under the disadvantage that the Tasmanian Wolf (and hence its droppings) has been in short supply for a good few decades. The lucky winner and driver need have no fears though, as a a full two days fuel (for four miles in total) will be supplied FREE!!.

We could wax lyrical about the Avenger for hours , but must stop somewhere. Suffice it to say that the car boot OPENS, enabling you to use the full 1 foot square space for any luggage you may wish to carry.

Now that you are all salivating with eagerness to own this mean machine, and assuming that you have the correct answer to question one, you need only know the answer to the second question to gain the keys to the Cornish Avenger.

Well, it is not so much a question as a task, which you must successfully complete. TRANSLATE THE FOLLOWING INTO KERNEWEK:
Note: You must use the very latest SWF spelling! Entries in Unified Cornish or even Kemmyn will automatically be disqualified.

"With a methodical and relentless thoroughness, he probed each corner and nook and cranny of his most capacious nose until he found it. Then, he extracted his finger and held the gleaming prize before her eyes. She was so thrilled by the sight that she knew then that she would do anything for this man. She sat there transfixed. It sat there, gleaming upon his finger, a bewitching wash of colours, of greens, of purples, of blues -- how could one nose produce so many emblems of colour?"

Okay, so you have won the car. What else could you win?

Special times call for special prizes - and NOTHING could be more special than this! Behold a new creation from Nancledra!! It is the SAXOBOGGA!

It successfully combines the amatory with the lavatory, hitting all the necessary low notes, one after another. On the open market, this new miracle of the musical world would cost some £75,000 (with plumbing costs extra!).

Picture the scene! You are the new musical maestro. Your beloved is seated upon the throne, beset, alas, with problems of a hideously noisome and gaseous nature which nothing but the muse of music can release. You and she can blow together in happy unison...

Yes, but to win this miraculous musical machine, you must first answer the following question correctly:

Which of the two, Julia or Andrew, will first leave the shabby pee-perfumed limelight of the Liberal Democrats and truly speak for Cornwall?

Of course, if your knowledge is deeper than that of our questioner and you give a name other than that of the sweet Julia or the sainted Andrew and you name a person who does then lay down their name for Cornwall at Westminster, then you may name your own prize within our country.

Finally, as is customary with all our competitions, entries will only be valid (and, therefore, read) if accompanied by £20,000 in used notes. So, what are you waiting for??? Get writing!!

CAMILLA PRESENTS CULTURAL VANDALISM AWARDS

Lily Nichols, the ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, reprised her familiar role of the mythical English aristocrat, the soi-disant "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall", on Wednesday, when she presented the annual National Cultural Vandalism Awards, sponsored by the Department of the Environment and English Heritage. (It's amazing to us that the English press haven't cottoned on to Lily yet. They still seem to believe that "the Duchess of Cornwall" is a real person! Ed.)

Presenting the awards at English Heritage's South Western headquarters in Bristol yesterday, "Camilla" announced the winner of the prestigious "Vandal of the Year" award to be none other than -- English Heritage!

In her speech, the "Duchess" praised EH for its "crass ignorance and arrogance in ignoring the depth of resentment in Cornwall about Cornish Celtic and pre-Celtic sites being administered by an unelected body calling itself "English Heritage", under a banner based on the red-and-white flag of England".

It was to honour just such insensitivity that the National Cultural Vandalism awards had been instigated, she said.

The award itself is a headdress in the form of a Christian halo, and the awards ceremony involves the presenter removing the halo from her own head and placing it on the head of the recipient. Lily is shown above, wearing the award before the ceremony.

In response to the award, EH South West's Chief Administrative Officer, Mr Kyron Bunt, said that he was proud that the organization's role in erasing the distinctive culture of small nations had been recognized.

The Duchess announced the joint winners of the runners-up prize to be the local artists responsible for removing the "English rose" symbol from hundreds of brown tourist signs, throughout Cornwall.

In second place, the vandalised "English rose" road sign

DO YOU KNOW THIS MYSTERY WOMAN???

People all over West Cornwall have been encountering a mystery woman, pictured below, who stops them, and asks "How do you do?" and "What do you do?" in an affected way, which suggests she believes that the innocent accostee knows who she is, which they never do.

She has been spotted in Morrison's, in the KWOP and at Lidl's in Penzance. She has also been seen loitering with intent outside the flagship RC Oates Supestore in Relubbus.

Some suspect that she is trying to emulate the celebrity of Lily Nichols, the ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, who is widely admired in Cornwall for having conned large sections of the gullible English media into believing that she is an aristocrat, namely the wife of the so-called Duck of Cornwall.

Lily's impersonations are particularly effective when she is accompanied by her friend from the home with his impressive set of false ears.

Maybe the mystery lady is after the same acclaim as Lily, to whom she bears a strong resemblance, except in the matter of body odour, where she has way to go to match Lily's virulent pungency.

Quite apart from her strong physical similarity to Lily Nichols, she also resembles her in that she likes a good roll-up, and has been seen popping into various stores to top up her supplies of Old Shag and cigarette papers. She then starts badgering people for a light, saying things like, "I simply must smoke it here, Big Ears doesn't like it when I smoke at home!"

The mystery lady also like to take a drink or two, or three....