RELUBBUS POETRY COMPETITION -- RESULT!

The Roundup is honoured to be able to publish the top two entries for the annual RELUBBUS POETRY COMPETITION, which are:




Meeting in Cot Valley

I leave St Just – a busy place – a full of purpose town,
And set off for Cot Valley - on the path that takes me down.
My soul knows these steps more surely than seemingly my feet -
It draws me down along the way –it knows whom I shall meet.
For parts of me came down here– long ago – this selfsame way
English had no meaning then - Kernewek chat all day.

Now I meet no one here, but I sense her company.

So, peel away the mists of time and let me see her face - Her eyes - the fire of my desire - her posture full of grace.
Her laughter - music of my soul, her smile – peace of my heart
Her presence - anchor of my being –O - do not let us part!

I feel sea spray upon my face – it wakens me to now.
I sense that she is gone again - and am left to wonder how
A person who was made for me – who was my partner true
Can leave me in this curl of time – my Sweet, I long for you.

I turn then back along the path and move with heavy tread
My body knows the way to go, but, sadly, not my head.
The thoughts of you are just as real as when you were just here
But I cannot kiss you now, my love, O, how I wish you near!

Pascoe Trembath (21)


Git Plumb Boy

Sixteen years old – short trousers still – daft cap upon ‘is ‘ead,
That silly bugger Archibald never knew the cat was dead.
‘Ee loved ‘un still, despite the smell, which was almighty strong,
But daftee never noticed that anything was wrong.

'Ee took ‘un to the vet and said “My mouser idden eating!”
The vet was shocked at such a sight and soon ‘ee started bleating!
“You git plum boy – daft as a brush – wha’s wrong with yer bleddy ‘ead?
That cat is done with ‘eatin’ - the thing is bleddy dead!”

Archibald was sad now – was quiet as the grave
‘Ee’d ‘ad that cat since just a boy and truly was its slave.

The git plumb boy was plumb no more – ‘is growing time was done
‘Is cap was gone, ‘is trousers long and childhood’s battle won.

Madron Barlewenna (18)


As usual, the winning entry was chosen by a panel selected from the Silver Thread Society of the Penlowarth Centre for the Extremely Aged in Penzance.

Gracie Angwin (104) stated, on behalf of the panel, 75% of whom were still alive, that Madron's poem was " 'ead an shoulders above the rest". They have accordingly given him the prize, which is a bottle of "Head and Shoulders".

COME TO RELUBBUS CHILDREN'S ZOO!

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If you are looking for a fun day out for the kids, then you need look no further than Relubbus Children’s Zoo (RCZ)!!

At RCZ, your little ones can actually get in with the animals, stroke them and touch them and get the sort of experience no other zoo is prepared to offer!!

All the animals on show are Cornish varieties and are perfectly safe for your little darlings.

Just hand your kiddies in to one of our keepers, like gorgeous 24-year-old Beverly (shown here on the left) or 19-year-old Madron, and you can take yourself off for a refreshing cup of tea in our parents’ hut (with Unisex toilet, with new wooden seat, and wash hand basin!).

Your kiddies can spend time with the Sancreed Lurcher and its pups. An unusual Sancreed breed, which is found nowhere else except in Southern Africa, the Lurchers are highly social. They typically emit a piercing high-pitched shriek when they are ripping the flesh from the living things hastily thrown into their compound for meals.

Nervous parents can be assured that children are never admitted to the pound BEFORE meals, only AFTER. This means that their little darlings should always be safe. They will be able to stroke the doggies and play with them without fear of being eaten*.


A particular favourite with the kiddies, is the ‘Mousehole cat’. The RCZ version is admittedly a little larger than the cat usually depicted as the Mousehole cat. Further, it does roar rather than miouw, but, if you can stand the halitosis, it IS a cutie to stroke. All kiddies are asked NOT to pull pussy's tail as he does get more than a bit impatient when the little dears do that and he has been known to scratch rather badly when tormented in this way.

Another animal, which is just a little more dangerous, is the Sennen Rat. Rats in Sennen do grow big, but this one is four times as big as those found in the wild – the pictured specimen is 12 feet tall. The rat pictured here, 34-year-old Carnegie, is the safest of all the rats. He is used to maltreatment, having been beaten about by the wardens ever since he was brought in as a baby. Darts can be obtained from the wardens for use in tormenting Carnegie, but it is very dangerous to use them on the other rats.

However, don’t worry, none of these animals misbehave when Bev is around!!

Entrance is only £15 per kiddie! Come to RCZ!!

* Usually, that is! Children under 2 years old should be accompanied by an older child (and not left alone with Madron).

HEAMOOR MAN IN LOVE TRIANGLE!!

Kwop Garage attendant, Denzil “Combover” Angarrack (39) of Bramangath Cottage, Heamoor has achieved notoriety by becoming the first Heamoor man to marry two women – sisters – at the same time, in the Heamoor mosque, located at his home, Bramangath cottage.

Denzil, a natty man-about-town, well known to the folk of Heamoor for his daring hairstyle, seems well able to cope with his new-found fame.

The two sisters, Pat (32) and Trish (34) Tregellis of Colinsey Road, Treneere, are both ‘relationship therapy assistants’ in Penzance, although neither of them has yet received any convictions.

The two girls are thought to have been completely unswayed in their decision to marry by Denzil’s claims to have recently had a big win on the lottery. Further, they were clearly not put off by his previous girlfriend’s nickname for him of “magnifying glass”.

The previous girlfriend, Tamsin (formerly Terry) ‘Balls’ Wakfer (38) of The Shed, Boscathnoe, was claiming yesterday to be completely indifferent to the sudden marriage of her boyfriend for twenty five years (“We wuz in the Scouts t’gether!”).

When quizzed about her feelings outside the Heamoor outlet of the RC Oates Superstore in which she is a hygiene assistant, she stated “anyone goin’ fer they two tarts d’need their bleddy ‘eads read!”

Referring to the supposed lottery win, she added, “they’ll be as lucky t’ find any money as they will be t’ find anythin’ useful in ‘is trousers.”

The two sisters, Pat and Trish, have readily embraced Islam, as has Denzil, who has converted his utility room into a mosque (‘although I ‘ad to leave the washin’ machine in there or I would’ve ‘ad ‘ell from my mawther!’).

In Denzil’s rather liberal interpretation of Islam, the primary (and, indeed, sole) religious requirement is to eat a bar of Fry’s Turkish Delight occasionally and, whilst doing so, to "do the music as well, an’ the girls gotta do the dence!”

The excited sisters have worked out a bedroom rota for Denzil, although Denzil’s mother, Agnes (91), who lives at Bramangath, says that she will decide what goes on under her roof.

The Roundup will continue to report on this unusual romantic liaison.

THE STORY OF ABNER CLEMO

Absent-mindedly, but with the sureness of familiar routine, Abner Clemo slowly strapped to his left thigh the well-worn, but sturdy, leather straps of his wooden leg before reaching down to pick up and similarly secure his right wooden leg to his other thigh. He always did it that way – left before right. He was a man who found great comfort in routine.

It was no easy thing for him to do. The same accident that took out his legs all those many years ago also left him with only a thumb and half a little finger on each hand – very difficult to tie your straps up like that! Anyhow, looking on the bright side, no one could call him “Wanker!”

Abner was the sort of man who believed in looking on the bright side. It never seemed to be where he was, so he kept looking for it elsewhere.

He looked up at the ceiling in his hut at what he called his ‘weather hole’. Whatever was happening outside was usually also happening inside thanks to the weather hole. It was so often streaming with rain that he had placed a bucket beneath it. Today the bucket was quiet, empty and dry – no rain – yet, at any rate.

Screwing up his good eye. he could just make out what appeared to be a clear blue sky. It was on just such a day, in his dreams, that Fiona Bruce (pictured left after her arrest for Saturday night drunken brawling) would ask him to marry her, so he now looked forward to the unfolding events of the day with an even greater relish than that usually afforded by his seemingly boundless optimism. Fiona’s picture had blown into his hut some years ago. It had caused him great excitement then and, ever since, had been a treasured possession.

He had long since got the hang of the bedsprings he had had attached to the end of his legs and, feeling the first stirrings of nature’s call, in three stout springy bounces, he had reached the stream in which he performed all acts of ablution.

For a man in his 95th year and with his complicated medical history, he was in astoundingly good form. With just the one eye up to something near scratch and deaf as a post, he still had an astonishingly good sense of smell, which was something of a curse in his case.

With an agility that belied his years, he emerged from the stream and bounded back towards the hut (pictured left), bellowing Fiona’s name at the release of each spring.

At the entrance to the hut, he stopped – naked and toothless – in total shock at the vision which awaited him inside…..

To be continued…

FRIENDS OR MORE

Just think! Your perfect partner could be living within 5 miles of your home. How do you find them? You come to Friends or More, founded over 3 and half weeks ago by Agnes Pengelly. Then you will meet special folk like these, who would just love to meet you.

Women seeking men

Maggie Ladner (38) used to make a living by being exhibited as the fattest woman in Crowlas, weighing in at an amazing 54 stone. However, when the wall of her house had to be demolished so that she could get out to attend her mother’s funeral, she decided to take matters in hand and lose a little bit of weight.

After six weeks hard dieting, she is now down to a trim 18 and a half stone. She celebrated with her first drink of water. With just over 80% of the fat folds now surgically removed, she feels, at long last, ready to meet and take on the male world. Having shed the fat, she is now jobless and would like to find a man with his own business such as fish and chip shop, airline or shipping company so that she can share his work life as well as his bed.

Belinda Hicks (36) is a traffic warden from Carnyorth. She is single and desperate to meet a man to have children before the time clock runs out. She has freckles and flat feet, but is not yet (quite) clinically obese. Sunny disposition and loves Kettle Crisps dipped in a mixture of Bovril and Salad cream. Needs to meet a man, who won’t mind baldness. Phone Belinda on Hayle 67456.

Avril Behenna (26) is a cuddly funeral home receptionist with one eye (but guess which one is made of glass!!?!!)from Camborne, who would like to meet the man of her dreams: He is over 5 ft 6 ins tall, has a well preserved Ford Anglia, knows a bit about DIY (but will still need me, if you know what I mean!!) has only occasionally visited prostitutes and knows how to take proper care of budgies (I have thirty!). I can offer a mean ‘beans on toast’ as well as …well you come and find out. Phone Avril on Halsetown 561.

Trish Acne (67) is a retired bookkeeper from Sancreed. She has lived a quiet life at home with mother, who has just passed on at the age of 93. ‘I was always brought up to save myself for the right man – now mother’s gone, I can look for him. Are you he?’ Ideally seeking man of Congregationalist background (former Boy’s Brigade?, perhaps, but not homosexual). Keywords for me are ‘warm underwear’, ‘cocoa’, ‘slugs’ and ‘droppings’. Is this you?? Phone Trish on Sancreed 423.

Chris Myfanwy Fanny (45) is a teacher of Religious Knowledge and Halsetown’s champion knitter (1982). She seeks an understanding male who will not be put off by her unusual bladder difficulties. ‘I am happy to meet a man who is seriously overweight, as I am myself a size 32’. Up for all sexual adventures not involving difficult positions, unless you have ‘one o’ they special cranes’. Phone Chris on Crowlas 510.

Men seeking women


Barry Penrose (19) is a trainee telegraphist for the recently opened Morvah Telephony Company, which provides virtually instantaneous communications between Morvah and other communications hubs, such as Relubbus, Penzance, Mevagissey, Windsor (CA), Elmshorn (Germany) and Ulan Bator. Barry is the 2006 tiddlywinks champion at the Gulval branch of the YMCA (Young Maladjusted and Criminally Antisocial).

A fervent advocate of Kernewek Kemmyn, Barry believes that if we all use ‘K’s instead of ‘C’s, we can’t go wrong in life. He has no interest in girls yet, but, following an embarrassing string of ‘accidents’ in his bed at night (which he doesn’t understand), his Mum has ordered him to ‘get a girlfriend’. Interested young ladies (hopefully also members of High Street Methodist Church choir) are invited to ‘phone Mrs Penrose between 7.30 pm and 8.00pm on 01736 364901 (No scrubbers!)

Denzil Trevains, (26) a body washer (4th class, but hoping for promotion), constructs wooden Ipods in his spare time and is also a trombonist in the Pendeen Silver band. He seeks an understanding matron to help him with his flagellant condition. Denzil needs to be beaten every day and if you will wear sandals and paint your toenails pink, he will not mind what you look like or what sex you are. ‘Phone Denzil at the Botallack Mortuary, extension 3.

Craig Wakfer (49) is an almost reformed chicken-botherer (he preferred to use the term ‘coop-fan’, whilst defending himself in court) from Heamoor, who thinks no one should take his ‘condition’ seriously. Arrested four years ago for his pursuit of an innocent (in the opinion of the owner) Cornish game hen called ‘Clucky’, Craig now dismisses Clucky ‘as nothing but a bleddy cocktease!’. Craig has now turned his back on the chicken coop and is looking firmly towards the world of women for his next sexual adventures.

Ask for Craig at HMP Boscathnoe. He is due for release in 6 weeks, when he expects that he will no longer require the oxygen supply he now uses to avoid breathing in the noxious fumes emanating from the weeping pustules in his groin area.

Others seeking Others

Chris (surname withheld) is a lonesome toilet repair operative (30s) without any experience beyond vigorous self-manipulation. He has always wondered what ‘it’ would be like. ‘Chris’ says only that Chris lives ‘west of Truro’ and lives alone ‘without comforts’.

Chris has never – ever – seriously harmed anyone on purpose, so you needn’t worry on that score! If you, like Chris, are seriously turned on by particular canine odours, then phone 01736 3654192 (a public ‘phone box) between 6.30 pm and 6.35 pm any weekday evening and Chris will pick up with his ‘good hand’.

BERNERS-LEE ENDORSES THE ROUNDUP

The Relubbus Roundup is proud to announce that Sir Tim Berners-Lee (left), widely acknowledged as the "father" of the World Wide Web, has praised this organ as a source of truthful, verified, unbiased, and objective news.

Sir Tim has frequently highlighted the spread of false or misleading information on the internet as a danger that could irretrievably damage the usefulness of the Web as an information tool.

He deplores the way in which the web -- which started out as a fundamentally democratic phenomenon and a medium for academic debate -- has, in recent years, come to be dominated by governments and corporate interests, each with its own political or commercial axe to grind.

As examples of the ways in which the web's credibility has been damaged, he cites the rise of promotional sites that masquerade as impartial sources of advice, search engines where the results are skewed by the marketing dollar, sites that promote Creationism as scientific fact, government "information" sites that disseminate misinformation, and search engines that block politically-inconvenient sites at the behest of governments.

"In our fallen online paradise," says Berners-Lee, "the Roundup shines out like a beacon of probity in a naughty world. When you read the Roundup, you can be confident that you are being told the Truth. Facts are checked and double-checked. Political comment is balanced, informed, and measured. I commend the Roundup to serious thinkers everywhere!"