By Dr Dristan Behenna (109)
Professor Emeritus of Contemporary Music at the Relubbus Conservatoire
It is a particular pleasure for me to be asked by the Relubbus press to keep my finger on the pulse of young people’s music. I like youth and its fresh skin, so unlike the dry papery material that clothes my own poor, tired body.
I do remember going to the lavatory in 2005 and, held up by my faithful nurse (Fidgewick, a dear man, despite the leg iron), I directed a weak, and much interrupted, stream of urine into the bowl for what seemed like hours, but which was, in fact, no more than 37 minutes. I remember that moment of achievement as though it were yesterday, but Fidgewick tells me that it was three years ago!
Fidgewick wheels me out to the Relubbus Vinyl Music store twice a week and it is there that I meet the young bloods, who tell me what is all the rage and play their music as loud as they can directly into my ear trumpet, so that I can pick up something of the rhythm.
It once came through so loud and clear one fine summer evening two years ago that I almost lost my blanket with the excitement of it all. Oh the joy! as Lionel’s young hot-blooded hands came near my tired trousers to restore the blanket – my body knew that it would have achieved an erection (O sweet but very distant memories!) had it been just a few decades younger!
But enough of my musings – back to the music of the young people. I can tell you that, here and now, in Relubbus in November 2008:
Skiffle’s all the rage in Boswedden Lane!!
Chas and Mark Sharatt
Little known fact about Mark (on guitar) is that he has absolutely no willy.
However, this does not hold him back in the girl stakes. 76% of females describe Mark as their "ideal man".
Alex Whitehouse, Guitar; John Paul (obscured), Bass; Chas; Marc Sharratt, Washboard; Dennis Carter, Guitar
John Paul is, of course, obscured because of the frightening appearance of this aggressively naturist musician. His unorthodox plucking style seems to excite merely amazement and no outrage. "How does he DO that?" is particularly a question one hears from the envious young men in the audience.
Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers with Billie Anthony & Chas.
This enchanting photo captures the moment when the grand-daughter of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) leader, Billy Spargo, Wendy Spargo, was photographed with the group.
It captures the unspoilt seconds before Wendy ("Windy Wendy") had one of her unfortunate 'accidents' because of the excitement of it all.
Some of the titles sound so daring and exciting – I am surprised that they haven’t yet been banned. Even I have heard of the strict demands of the Methodist fundamentalists ("Drinkon’, dancon’, singon’ – work o’ the dev'l!").
The titles of what is known as the ‘Top Ten’ are as follows:
1) Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight?
2) Don’t tell me you forgot to put the cat out
3) I want to work on the buses when I grow up
4) I think that these socks could do a with a wash
5) I left my trousers in the garden hut
6) Did I tell you that I am wearing dentures?
7) I want to share my duffle coat with you
8) I love you almost as much as I love CND
9) I think that those shoes could do with a polish
10) I think that Granpa’s wet himself again
Finally, a picture of some of the young things (average age 24) dancing wildly to No.6.
Even my nose is telling me that I need to be changed now. “Fidgewick, my dear man, you can soon take that peg off your nose, we are heading home for 'changies'."
UPDATE ON MUSIC SCENE IN RELUBBUS
PENDEEN BALDNESS BREAKTHROUGH!
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BEFORE and AFTER
This is a picture (on the left) of the top of delighted customer Tommy Trevains’ head BEFORE he had the treatment, (and it only lasts 5 minutes!!!) which has transformed his life. On the right is a picture of the lustrous hair growth which he is proud to call his own after the treatment.
Says a delighted Tommy, “I ebbent never spent su much money to such good effect. I’s the best £4,500 I ever spent!! I’s jes’ like I got a new ‘ead of ‘air. I w’aint be able to keep they maids off me now."
Mrs Kitty Polzeath, 35, the brains and owner of Ponsandane Hair Solutions claims that she can help any man with problems in the hair department!!Indeed for the right fee, she claims that she can help any man with any problems in any department.
**Long Rock Bank will provide personal loans to enable you to take a course of treatment at Mrs Polzeath’s establishment. Loans are available to bald persons with an annual income of not less than £34,000 annually. Deposit of 10% must be paid by bald customer. Arrangement Fee of £1,500 will apply, as will annual compound interest rate of 31.75%. Loans are for a minimun period of 35 years. Certificate of Baldness must be provided.
SPOTLIGHT ON COLINSEY MANAGEMENT CONSULTANCY
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Colinsey Management Consultancy (CMC) can change the way your business looks and behaves – for ever!
Meet the CMC team!
Nancy Clemo (34) is an expert on what she terms the “the male deadline crisis” and has many years experience in helping men out of this mental dead end. She has now been persuaded to leave the Prom (near St Anthony’s Gardens) to join the team of professionals based at Heamoor to school the West Cornwall Business Community to take on the world – and beat them.
Skugley Benge (35) is a young man with over 45 years experience in personal training. He has a deep personal knowledge of the scope and power of mind-altering drugs and deploys this knowledge and skill in his executive coaching.
Skugley has never been ‘inside’.
Caxter Bunt (35) is a management guru who believes in the unrivaled power of the unwashed body. The idea might, at first sight, seem abhorrent. But Baxter’s considered opinion is that “washing” is unnatural and that allowing natural odours to cloak the body also provides protection for the mind – in his words ‘It clothes the soul!”.
Caxter, who has borrowed three books on management from Penzance Library over the past few years, is part of the executive coaching team.
Rodney Botallack (25) has a unique role in the team. He is there to be an inspiration to everyone to be a fat cat. Weighing in at 35 stone, he works hard to consume the calories to keep looking the way his mother likes him to look. Since birth she has wanted him to be ‘a fat cat’. He is certainly getting there and he would like to share his secrets with aspiring business leaders in West Penwith. 
The ‘leading lady’ of the CMC team is the company founder, Gracie Pender (51). Miss Pender has held top jobs in a range of well-known organisations.
She started work life at the age of 16 as a filing clerk in the Penwith Parks department. Then, two years ago, she was promoted to a ‘hands-on’ role in the staff canteen.
She therefore has a wide experience and appreciation of corporate life. She also has a CSE in Spanish (Grade 5).
If you duh want a 'proper job', then come to CMC!! Whatever problems you may 'ave, we'll sort 'n' owt fer 'ee!!
RELUBBUS ENERGY SOLUTIONS
Brought to you by restless inventor, Len Pascoe
Len Pascoe is a man who likes to think out of the box (and indeed has done so ever since he was released from the box in which he was -- erroneously, he says -- confined by the state). He is a man who likes to think big and he is a man with a dream, who believes in STEAM, which is why he founded RELUBBUS ENERGY SOLUTIONS.
The thought kept him awake all night. It had to be the solution – Steam Power. He used steam power for everything – now he would enable others to do so as well!!
He brushed his teeth with a steam-powered toothbrush so powerful that it had taken out two of his wisdom teeth!
He sat on his steam-powered ‘vacuum–clean’ toilet, which had already removed one of his bollocks, but had left, as usual, his arse absolutely squeaky clean. His supportive and inspired Methodist Minister, when told of the incident, had gushed enthusiastically “Boy, so that’s the reason He gave us two!”
Pictured on the left is the sort of woman who would probably use RELUBBUS ENERGY SOLUTIONS in her home!!
Steam power was clearly the answer to the world’s power problems and his fertile mind began to focus on other obvious applications for this power source.
Thoughts began to stream into his mind... A steam-powered automated ear cleaner might be a boon to those wishing to keep their hands free for other purposes while their ears were being rhythmically scraped and pumped clean of all foreign matters. (Of course, for hygiene’s sake he would have to offer to change the cleaning head once every two years).
Or perhaps ladies would appreciate a steam-powered washing machine similar to but, of course, not the same, as the one he had created for his mother. (God rest her soul!, but at least she died clean, which would have been very important to her).
Thinking of other applications, he mused that when the hand that rocks the cradle becomes a little tired, then parents might want to pass the job on to the cast-iron comfort of the cradle rocker. (60 shuddering shakes a minute will keep baby occupied!)
That was all long ago. Now his solutions are there for everyone to use.
So you can come to RELUBBUS ENERGY SOLUTIONS
FOR THE FOLLOWING STEAM-POWERED ITEMS:
- Cradle-rocker £3,213
- Ear cleaner £4,512
- Washing machine £3,298
- Vacuum-clean toilet £7,456 (Think – no paper – ever again!!)
- Toothbrush £1,863
- Breast milk extractor £4,789
- Ladies’ Depilator £5,281
- Lawnmower £8,945
- Steam car (seating driver + 1 passenger or £74,876 one piece of baggage
- Sinus cleaner £6,402
- Kettle £87,912
NB The ‘Ladies’ friend’ and the ‘Gents’ Vacuum Developer’ have both been temporarily withdrawn from the market following the injuries sustained by Mr and Mrs Hollis of the The Close, Treneere, Penzance. Readers will be re-assured to hear that Mr Pascoe has personally underwritten 5% of the costs of the necessary reconstructive surgery for the Hollises.
Each of the appliances above requires its own power source as pictured on the left.It will also require its own fully trained steam operative.
These can be supplied by RELUBBUS ENERGY SOLUTIONS at an annual rental cost of only £157,000!!
RDs HAVE NEEDS TOO!
Unusual Plea for yet greater Diversity in Relubbus Society
Gwen Poldhu (+6), the President of the Relubbus Society for the Promotion of the Rights of he Recently Deceased (RESPIRED), is a very angry dead woman!
In Gwen’s view, people have bent over backwards to accommodate the wishes of gays, they have fallen prostrate to accommodate the wishes of Muslims and fanatical Methodist fundamentalists, and they have opened Relubbus’ doors to welcome immigrants of all shapes, sizes and colours, even allowing the English in, but they have not yet acknowledged the rights of the recently dead.
Gwen, even in death, is a woman of action and has formed RESPIRED to articulate the needs and rights of the recently deceased (RDs). She has also invented the style of age designation which her members use. She herself has been dead for 6 years and writes her age thus (+6).
RESPIRED is open to all deceased persons who have not yet reached the age of +20, by which time they are reckoned to have quietened down so much that they no longer have needs worthy of mention.
Up to that point, however, the recently deceased, or RDs, have very definite needs, which should be addressed by the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).
Gwen is calling for free physiotherapy sessions three times a week for all RDs.
She is insisting that RDs should be washed and dressed (and strongly scented!) every day and then taken out for a bracing wheelchair ride in the country or sea air.
Turning to more intimate matters, Gwen coyly suggests that RDs still have ‘those needs’ and suggests that the GRUC should pay for suitable young lustily virile or nubile folk to ‘do it’ with RDs.
Pictured left is the type of young woman (Penelope (32) who could bring a smile even to the mouth of of a +15 years dead person. But they needn't be as mature as Penelope. Gwen believes that it might be a good idea if much younger folk -- such as 6th formers -- were used in this capacity, as that would bring the generations together.
Gwen is particularly incensed about the ghettoisation that is inflicted upon RDs. For centuries the dead have been simply banished to graveyards, which are typically cold, unlit and unfriendly places. She is calling for RDs to be positioned amongst the rest of society. Suitably propped up and kept smelling sweet, there is no reason why the dead cannot be allowed to sit on trains, in classrooms, in supermarkets, in hotel lobbies, on airplanes, etc. – the list is endless.
In fact, Gwen believes that RDs should benefit from what she calls ‘location rotation’. A dead person could be propped up for a week in a library, then spend a week in a nursery or kindergarten, then spend a week in a discotheque and so on.
Such a policy means that everyone will get used to being in the company of the dead, losing their fear of ‘passing on’, while the dead enjoy the benefit of mixing with society, until about the age of +20, when they will probably fall to pieces.
Gwen is adamant that we have all got to die sometime and so all of us should have a natural interest in ensuring that the needs of dead folk are taken care of. Gwen points out that RDs have already made their contribution to society and so finance should not be an issue. Even if it were, she also points out that dead people neither eat nor drink. The only expenditures would arise in respect of washing, scenting, dressing and propping up bodies. She hoped that the intimate services, if not funded by the GRUC, might be provided for free by the young folk in a generous spirit of inter-generational support.
Billy Spargo, the leader of the GRUC, was not available for comment on this topic, as he is currently away with the other leaders of the G13 preparing a response to the financial crisis gripping the world, which is looking towards Relubbus for a solution.
The Roundup will be following, and reporting on, RESPIRED's campaign.
Perplexed readers might like to now that this report was brought to us via the services of Mr Tommy Wakfer (87) of the Penzance Spiritualist Church, Bread Street, Penzance. Mr Wakfer “’ad a thing” with Miss Poldhu when she was alive and has retained the link beyond the grave, which he frequently visits.
BEAT THE CREDIT CRUNCH – COME TO BARGAIN CORNER
Following receipt of many enquiries from overseas (in particular, Iceland and Tanzania) we can now confirm that the bargains offered in BARGAIN CORNER may now be purchased by readers from overseas.
It couldn’t be easier. Just email an order to this organ and Mrs Agnes Penberthy, who does the cleaning in the Roundup offices will "parcel ‘n up fer ee" for a small fee of only £74 per item. For a further £76, she will put a stamp on the parcel and take it to the Relubbus Post Office and send it off to you!!
BARGAINS
Baby’s dummy (‘pacifier’ for our many American readers) made of extremely delicate and beautiful hand-blown Sancreed glass. Has a small cut, so reduced to giveaway £17. Email RR or 'phone Molly on Pz 578321
Flip-flops fashioned from local granite - to be secured to feet with strong string (string holes already made in one flip-flop!) – gents – size 12. Only £480 the pair. Email RR or 'phone Mr Rescorla on Paul 7624.
Dried Cowpats!! It is the latest craze in St Buryan!! Use them as a discus in sports competitions. Use them as fuel (yes, beat the credit crunch that way!!). Or wear them as an unusual -- but eye-catching -- hat! Or, do as Mr Angwin of 4 the Terrace does, and eat them, “fer a bit croust!”. They come wrapped in protective aluminium foil. Email RR or 'phone Mr Polkinghorne on St Buryan 7634.
Safe Condoms! If you want to be happy, but safe and sure, then use Mr Polkinghorne’s double-wrapped aluminium foil condoms! Often thought of as useful in the kitchen, Mr Polkinghorne has found a good use for aluminium foil in the bedroom as well! Available in four sizes – 1.“normal”, 2.“a bit larger than normal”, 3.“a bit smaller than normal”, and 4. (the smallest) “why do you even bother, mate?”. Cost is £70 per 100 any size, except size No. 4 (the Goky), which is so popular in Pendeen that delivery there is reduced to only £68 per 100. Email RR or ‘phone Mr Polkinghorne on St Buryan 7634.
5,000 light bulbs (35 watt). Chinese fittings, therefore only £1.50. Email RR or ‘phone Qing Qang Wong on Pz 462812.
Ladies tights (black), with Cornish Chough motif. Only badly laddered on one leg – 75 pence. Email RR or ‘phone Shazzer on Ding Dong 342.
Gentleman’s antique Long Johns – scarcely without stain, even after 72 years – still unwashed, so very well preserved. Email RR or ‘phone Mabel (deceased owner’s daughter) on Tregeseal 7854.
Stone from Penzance beach, believed to be - easily - well over 70,000 years old. Ideally best sold to gullible tripper from Notting Hill or fashionable Hackney. However, owner cannot wait as he has to pay court fines of over £50,000. Therefore prepared to part with this one ounce ‘magnificent study in grey’ for a giveaway £52,000. Email RR or ‘phone Rupert on Newbridge 5621 (be prepared for long wait!).
Pint of urine – believed to be from the last true King Of Cornwall, one Terry of Botallack, and hence over 1,100 years old. This fine relic is now stored in a 2 litre Tesco’s lemonade bottle. No one can guess what magical powers this mysterious liquid can have. However, it is utterly unique – there being no other such Tesco 2 litre lemonade bottle so filled. If you want to possess this piece (sic) of Cornish history and have the necessary £75,000 to purchase it, you must email the RR now or just ‘phone Denis on St Just 4567.
Hearing aid – made of pure finest Irish linen – needs to be clipped around whole head to work well. Only of benefit to the totally deaf- requires car battery – shoulder support required and supplied. Available in purple and green or red and yellow - both only £27,500. Email RR or ‘phone Sally Trumpet on Hayle 456721.
Hearing Dog – fully trained – came top of his class 12 years ago – now sadly deaf himself and hence only 37 pence. Email RR or write (can’t hear ‘phone!!) D Tregear at the Caravans, Logan Rock.
Ladies’ Vibrator – made out of ancient Sapelli hardwood - one extremely careful owner – but contacts blown through overuse - hence vastly reduced price of 11 pence. Email RR or ‘phone Duchess of Cornwall at Highgrove 45612.
