This is the third in our occasional series of Cornish Conversation classes for non-Cornish folk, or Emmets. Denzil and Madron bump into one another in Penzance on a blustery day. Madron is walking down Causewayhead and Denzil is making his way up it, when they espy one another. The following conversation ensues, which we report in both Cornish and English.
Madron: Yeow! Why, hello!
Denzil: Yeow, boy! Hello, there!
Madron: Gwen up Gwennap aree? Will you be going to Gwennap pit?
Denzil: Naw, maither ast fer me t' fix 'er leakin' launders. I w'ain't be there. 'Eowuh? I am afraid not. My mother has asked me to repair her leaking guttering. I cannot attend. Why do you ask?
Madron: Tommy Wakfer from ovver Snives iz upair aneez dlivrin'iz messij in song 'gen. Thomas Wakfer from St Ives is going to be there and will be delivering his characteristic message in song.
Denzil: Praise be! Thassawayobm! Sum luvvly voice onuneeaz! Oh bravo! That's the way to do it. He has such a wonderful voice.
Madron: Missenall now you will, boy. I am afraid that you are going to miss it all now, my dear chap.
Denzil: Es, kent do nawthin bowtit. Pitteezi duh dearly like a 'ymn! Yes, I cannot do a thing. It's a shame as I so enjoy hymns.
Madron: Oweegettinon wit that 'ere thermal door wotyuad fer Christmas? How are you getting along with that Thermidor thing you got for Christmas?
Denzil: Idno bleddy thermal door! Thermal doors is wat they duh do t'lobsters. I got wunna theezere 'ummy doors. 'Ummy doors is fer cigars. Gotta tellee boy I arn dappy widden. Sposed t' be simple. Put waterinun - I 'aff filledun wi water. Nex' chuck the ceegars inun. I dun that and theerall floatin roun wetunssoggy - ruined they are. Ine gun ask fer me money backonun.
It is not a thermidor. That is a culinary term referring to a method of preparing lobsters. What I have is a humidor. Humidors are used to store cigars. I must confess I am not happy with the product. It is supposed to be simple. One adds distilled water. I half-filled it. Next one places one's cigars inside. This I did, only to see that they were floating around in the water becoming wet and soggy. They are completely ruined. I am going to have to ask for my money back.
Madron: Es, you mek sure you duh do that boy. You should 'a' free ceegars too t' make up fer all they you lost in that bleddy 'ummy door. Make sure that you do so. You should also request additional cigars to replace those you lost in that faulty humidor.
Denzil: Es, I'll gibbonell I will. Goinome neow 'spoze, aree? Yes, I shall give them a piece of my mind. I suppose that you are off home now.
Madron: Naw. Gottadobitta exercise t' keep ' tickerelthy. Goin down Prom ferabit walk. No, I must take some exercise for the sake of my heart. I am going down to the Promenande to take a stroll.
Denzil: You are, aree? Blawin'a gale deown there ee is. You mine you doan get blawed ovver! I better getonere. Ernie Pascoe's pickin' me up in 'is sidecar up top to gimme lift 'ome. See ee gen boy! Are you indeed? The wind is blowing strongly there and you must be careful that it doesn't carry you away! I must make a move. Ernest Pascoe is collecting me at the top of the road. He is giving me a lift home in the sidecar of his motorcycle. Toodle-oo!
Madron: Es, see ee drekkly! Yes, I will see you at some unspecified time in the future.
CORNISH CONVERSATION CLASS -- LESSON THREE
RELUBBUS BUSINESS NEWS
By Business Correspondent O. P. Opie
Today, however, we take a look at some of the promising younger businesses in Relubbus that might offer the adventurous investor the opportunity of a lifetime.
Each business is the creation of an inspired young local entrepreneur and we have invited each of them to introduce their business here.
R.U. Bent (23) ("Call me "Rodney!') is a sensitive young man whose extreme closeness to his feminine side made growing up on Gwavas Estate more challenging than would otherwise have been the case.Two years ago he set up Tranny Taxis of Newbridge and is hugely proud of the 12 car fleet he now has to offer his many clients. All the drivers are either transsexuals or transvestites and all of them hold advanced driver's licences as well as qualifications in emergency make-up and 'rescue' fashion advice.
Rodney freely admits that he borrowed heavily on the business model of the unexpectedly lucrative Gay Taxi Company of Long Rock, but as he boldly states "There's 'nuff room fer both o' we. We's Penwith is 'eavin wi' queer folk."
He quickly realised that he would have to employ himself - to set up his own business. He hit upon the idea of providing hot air balloon trips and thus Bodrifty Family Hot Air Balloons was born. Bodrifty balloons are launched at Lands End.
The 'basket'is a normal hot air balloon basket, but the 'lift' is provided by 16 helium-filled party balloons. This severely restricted lift potential tends to lead to an automatic fall, once the basket is pushed off the edge of the cliff, but it is sufficient to ensure that the descent is not as dangerously rapid as it might otherwise be.
However, the sensation of travel has been exciting enough to attract thousands of people (all emmets to date) to part with the necessary £1,400, which is the cost of this one way -- and, indeed, in 98% of cases, final -- trip. Says Charlie, "I emt never looked back; the moneyz pourin' in!"
Mike came up with the brilliant idea of using violent ex-cons in house cleaning, as they tend to have spent a large period of time in a confined space, which most of them have become anal about keeping clean.
Thus TJHCS was born and it now supplies house cleaning services from Lands End almost up as far as Truro. The service is available at just £4 per hour and those concerned about their personal safety should take comfort in the fact that only 13% of the customer base has taken a bashing from their cleaners and there have been as yet no fatalities. Says Mike, "The buzness is rockin' 'ere. We're coinin' it in! I've booked up fer 7 days 'oliday over Sennen. Cash on the nail!"
The business has boomed. He now has 746 singing employees out working for the company and praising the Lord all over Cornwall. It is expected that the service will launch out over the Tamar into England next month.
Negotiations have also been held with the Liechtenstein Lutheran Church to import this successful recipe for 'working whilst praising' into that country.
He says, "Th'idea come to me in a flash - get your kids interested in the wider worl' with Cuddly Political Dolls!!"
From his Boskednan headquarters and factory (employing 2,500 people) his company now turns out thousands of versions of dolls of 'Cute Lovable Margaret Thatcher, Romantic Arthur Scargill, 'Brummie boy' idol Enoch Powell, 'Big softie really' Bob Crow and soulful Melanie Philips. Apparently, the favourite doll is Daring Dick Cole, set to become an MP, overseas in Westminster.
Xen asks us to point out that the 'adult' version of the inflatable Margaret Thatcher doll is now available for men (3 A4 batteries provided, but no bicycle pump. He further advises that the sell-out 'adult' version of the inflatable Margaret Beckett doll is now out of stock.
ROMANTIC RELUBBUS
With a new format for our famous Lonely Hearts Section.!!!
Rodney Tregear, a 34 year old bachelor, who lives in the conservatory of his remarried sister's house at Rosudgeon, has volunteered to run the Roundup's new Lonely Hearts Section.
As he says, "I bin 'ppylin' fer maids 'ere fer years and I duh knaw pzackly what people duh need to knaw. I set 'n up 'ere neow proper fer other people to use like."
The following young folk are looking for love and are hopjng that when you see their picture and read their words according to Rodney's inspired new format, you will want to find out more......
Nehm: Jasper Nancarrow
'Ow old izza: 29
Zatooa (as in "Wherza too ah?"): Ovver Marazion wi' Ma'. Faither passed on years ago.
Dooa: (as in Wassadooa?"): Fart Collector fer the council
Skills: 'Andy with a bicycle repair kit and duh play armonikee sum luvely!
Lookin' fer: ''Ansome Cornish maid 'tween 16 and 108, what duh mek a proper pasty like Ma do. I'm ptiklar 'bout my 'air and would like fer she to be 'airdresser too, if possible. - maybe one o' they li'l maids from Shelley's up St Just.. Ma would like gat too. I duh clect dead seabirds and would luv to learm ow to stuff ovun proper - specially the older wans, what are neow 6 year old and startin' to go off ( I got 432 out in the shed!!)"
Nehm: Mavis Tink
'Ow old izza: 17
Zatooa: Sancreed
Dooa: Nothin yet. Lookin to become a mawther after Mr Addicoat's speshul afterskool lessuns wot I ad up t' Chrismas.
Skills: Ebbent got too many o they yet, but I'm only young yet
Lookin' fer: "A nice man wi money to take care of me and the baby w'as on the way. I duh dearly love kiddies and duh want t' ave lots more. My dream is tuh 'ave a professionul usbent like a doctor err a teacher err sumin like gat. 'Ow ever 's long as ee's young enuff t' ave kiddies, 's alright wi me. Next month is bath month and that would be a nice time fer 'opeful men to come roun 'ere, speshully as I am 'opin' tuh gett new underwear then too, which I shall also wear as a blushin bride."
Nehm: Horton Kneebone
'Ow old izza: 38
Zatooa: Dolphin Inn, Newlyn
Dooa: Las' remaining artist o' the Newlyn School. I duh paint and I duh get a bit pissed up neow an again, but `I duh paint sum lovely. Las' year I sold 'nuff pictures to keep me in beer fer the rest o'the year.
Skills: Paintin' o' course an' also decoratin' if I really 'ave to.
Lookin fer: "I duh ideally wunt to 'ave a relationship wi' that maid oo knocked me ovver in Warrens las' week. She was sum proper, boy - big girl! But anyone, what duh look like she, 's alright wi' me. She'd look like Dawn French do, 'cept not so pretty and maybe coupla sizes bigger. I bleeve she said she' d work down Penlowarth."
'Ow old izza: young 62
Zatooa: Own caravan up Scorrier
Dooa: I'm a freelance brain surgeon and carpet fitter. Turn me 'and to anythin', I can.
Skills: Scorrier record-holder for not going to toilet fer the longest (15 days - see photo!)
Lookin' fer: "Young lady 'oo will appreciate self-made young man o' means. I duh share my 'ome wi my two older brothers, so would like a maid oo won't mind squeezin'up a bit."
THE RETURN OF BRETON MYSTIC MAURICE LABALGE!
YOUR STARS
with Breton mystic Maurice Labalge
He is the mystic who knows what will comeFor you, for your neighbour, for everyone!
Aries This month will be better, though not good. There will be a death in the family, but you feel well rid of them. A small (£10) lottery win for you will brighten things up.
Taurus Returning your books to the library, you will bump into Mrs Hollis and have a pleasant natter about this and that. While this is happening, someone will attempt to steal her purse. Armed with the information from this column, you will put a stop to that.
Gemini You will have a wet dream and feel a little embarrassed about it. However, this is just a phase and you will soon get over it, particularly if you are female.
Cancer Wishing to change channels on the television, you will decide not to do so by getting up and walking to the set to press the requisite buttons. Instead, you will use a device called a remote control, which will enable you to make all desired changes without leaving your seat.
Leo You will go for an interesting charabanc ride to Marazion. During this ride, you will see a peacock flying alongside you. At your destination, the peacock will await you. You will discover that it can talk and it will tell you secrets about members of the town council. You can then blackmail them.
Virgo You will walk past a stranger today. You will never know what changes he might have brought to your life, had you only stopped to talk.
Libra Whilst at the hairdresser’s, you will meet other women having their hair done. In talking to them, you will hear about Diane Liddicoat’s affair with the Co-op milkman. You will wonder why the story seems familiar. It is only on the way home on the bus that you remember the words from this column.
Scorpio You have offered to baby-sit for your daughter for three days. Unfortunately, your husband has foolishly arranged for you both to drive via the tunnel for a day’s shopping in France on the third of those three days. Fortunately, this column gives you sufficient advance warning of this near-calamity to do something about it.
Sagittarius Those very weird dreams you used to get about intimacies with groups of meerkats are back again with a vengeance. You are strongly counselled to avoid the Zoo.
Capricorn You are coming up for retirement now and, quite frankly, you have never felt happier. At long last, the time is yours to call your own. You can do anything you like. However, you had better hurry up, as extreme health problems are on the way.
Aquarius You will cut the grass this week and intend to cut the hedge. However, whilst up the ladder you will lean back too much to follow an attractive young lady with your eyes, causing you to overbalance and fall badly, breaking your wrist and narrowly missing puncturing your lungs with the shears.
Pisces Very unusually for this time of year, there will be very bad hailstorms, which could do some damage to the young plants in the garden. Warned by this column, you can transfer the tenderest specimens to the greenhouse for a while. Mrs Roskilly pops around for a chat as she does every Tuesday.
5 YEARS AGO THIS WEEK
In the first of an occasional series, we reprint selected stories from our archives. How different Relubbus was just five years ago!
WEST CORNWALL IN SONG
The Reverend Bartholomew Peninula has been an advocate of the virtues of song for as long as he can remember. He has gathered singing talents from the lengths and breadths of Mouzel and environs to put together a ‘winning troupe’.
Pictured on the right of the Reverend gentleman are Mathew Laity (29) from Bologas, Martin Rodda (32) from Tresvennack, Davey Kneebone (41) from Chyenhal, Derek "Shortie" Semmens (37) from Trereife Smelting House, and Philadelpha Pentreath (71) from Kerris, sporting moustache and standing to the right.
The troupe will enter the West Cornwall singing contest with high hopes of getting through to the All-Cornwall event.
Little lost souls looking for a home
Just released from the Madron home for the criminally insane, Charlie Paynter and Madge Baragwaneth pictured here with their "cheeld" known as the "babby" are looking for a loving home in the West Cornwall area.
With several murders apiece, the deadly duo have caused something of a stir in a number of village communities. However, it is hoped that finding them a home in a larger community such as that of Penzance or Crows an Wra would provide the stability that these young folk need to keep them on the straight and narrow.
Offers of help from good Christian homes will be welcomed and should be addressed to the editor of the Roundup, who will forward them to the authorities.
Young "Woman" seeks position
Jemima Trevithal (24), formerly Michael Bollock, a granite quarryman from Rosecarne, is seeking a position as a lady’s maid to a lady of quality, preferably in the Penzance area.
Jemima describes herself as a realist with a cheerful disposition. "My maither d’say that I got winsome looks and oughtie ave been a young lady an I aren’t going to give up on my dream of being the best in the West as a lady’s maid."
Jemima is hopeful of being taken into a home of gentility, where she can further develop her feminine side to a point approaching some degree of credibility.
Advertisement
Do you suffer from headaches? Do you have piles? Does excessive flatulence plague you in those tender moments of togetherness with the one you would love? Do you spend longer on the toilet than you would like? Do you have to wear incontinence nappies? Does your cat have to wear spectacles? Do you (or your cat) have halitosis? Do you suffer from having insufficient money? Do you have ginger hair?If you have had to answer yes to any of these questions, then help is at last at hand! Thelonius Polweath-Bergamot's new Elixir promises you a new life!
The famous goatherd and alchemist, Thelonius Polweath-Bergamot (51), working from his eyrie at Mayon Green Crescent in Sennen, has, after many years, succeeded in perfecting a magic Elixir, which will take care of all these problems and more!
The ingredients of the elixir are, of course, a closely guarded secret, but Thelonius assures us that they are all distilled from naturally occurring substances found in the environs of Sennen and his goat compound. There is indeed a distinctly 'goatey' smell to the viscous brown fluid that is the elixir. (When quizzed by our Sennen reporter about the magic ingredients, Thelonius just gazed back from his mesmerisingly droopy eyes and said ...nothing.)
The cost of the Elixir is high at £195 for a 5 cl bottle but, as Thelonius says, "Wha's a few bob, when you're fixin' all they problems?"
Thelonius recommends a course of treatment at a bottle a day for fully seven years before the most difficult problems, such as ginger hair or no money, are completely vanquished.
Note: As the Roundup is keen to ensure that it takes advertising money only from bona fide traders - and from no charlatans - we would be happy to hear from anyone after their seven year course of treatment to assure us of the efficacy of Mr Polweath-Bergamot's Elixir.
Hanging by a thread..?
William Ladner (13), drummer of St Just Silver Band, has begun his annual fund-raising efforts for Comic Relief. William is suspended from a swinging trapeze secured only by the curve of his neck and the fervent hope that he will not drop to his death -- no safety net!
William intends to stay up -- without a break -- for 72 hours and all the while he will be playing drum solos, at 10 pence a time, as requested by the public.
Last year, William raised an astonishing 90 pence for good causes and he is determined to better that achievement this time round. William can be viewed -- hanging precariously -- at the Mousehole Methodist Youth Club from Thursday to Saturday.
Local Tycoon starts Charitable Foundation
Richard Quick, the West Cornwall building magnate, who is estimated to be worth some £35 million, has decided that it is time to share his wealth with the less advantaged in the community. He has started up a new charity called "Quick Money". The needy are requested to telephone the charity on an 0800 number and explain the nature of their need for cash. No call is expected to cost more than £4.50.
Tens of thousands of people are expected to call, since Mr Quick has promised to allot the lucky annual winner one of his homes on a holiday estate in Hayle.
When questioned by the West Cornwall Fraud Squad about certain flaws in the charitable nature of his new undertaking, Mr Quick brushed all criticisms aside with a flick of his cigarette, explaining that as long as someone benefited from the charity (possibly himself, in view of the volume of calls) no one was getting hurt.
Loopy Lesneweth is back in town!
Crowds gathered at the advance ticket office of the Sennen Picture House for the sell-out tour of the man they like to call Loopy Laughing Jack Lesnoweth of Lescudjack. The renowned petard amazes his audiences with his ability to blow out a candle at a distance of 35 feet by the sheer force of wind power. Loopy eats only baked beans and raw onions and likes to think that it is his rigid eating regime which keeps him on top of his game.
By day, Loopy works as a driver for St Erth Creamery. All his earnings from his evening entertainment work go to the Newlyn home for fallen Methodist young women, which explains why his act is strongly endorsed by the ministers of the St Just Methodist Circuit.
The Reverend Horton Bolitho commented that the Lord works in wondrous ways and stated that Loopy had been blessed by a divine wind.
Global Warming -- Watch Out!
Intrepid Cornish Inventor, Joseph Bodruggan from Copperhouse in Hayle, has done it again. Aware that the planet faces its greatest challenge in Global Warming, Joe has applied his restless mind to finding a practical solution.
The answer has come in the form of his "bikodrome". A skilled bike rider is balanced on the drum and peddles like mad. The drum turns, producing an electrical current, which can be made available to the National Grid. Joe’s plan is that every house should have a "bikodrome", powered by an illegal immigrant.
The Roundup is proud to have been able to bring you this story first -- before the Nationals.
Poetry Corner
Missus Ollis’s Cat
by a pupil of Lescudjack County Secondary School
Missus Ollis got a cat -- a ginger one -- called Timmy
I ad my eye on ee you see -- me and my mate, Jimmy.
She let n out jes after tea and we grabbed n as ee slinked past
We tied a banger to is tail and never seen n shift so fast.
Policeman Carne came after we, but we was bleddy smart
Ee walked up past where we was id -- laid still - we eard n fart.
But Missus Ollis tole my Ma and she then tole my Dad
Ee gived me ell and belted me - it never urt so bad.
I aren’t upset or nuthin -- tha’s jes the way it goes
I’ll get that bleddy cat again -- is no skin off my nose.
Philip Trudgeon (14)
Passed Ovver (Obituaries)
Welcome to the ever-popular "'Oo’s Dead?" section of the Roundup!
The first thing that some of our older readers do when they get their hands on their edition of the Roundup is to check up on who’s passed away. This month has seen the usual harvest of the Grim Reaper in the luscious lands of West Penwith and it is with great sadness that we convey the news that the following folk have gone to meet their maker:
Eliza Treloar (86), who lived most of her life as a man (Tommy Treloar, a building labourer with a penchant for sombreros), has died in the Barncoose psychiatric hospital for confused trans-sexuals.Eliza, as she insisted on being known after her 66th year, had fathered a total of 62 children with 11 different mothers -- all over West Penwith. Amazingly, none of the mothers ever knew of or met any of the others. As he had been a jobbing labourer, it was always assumed that he was "away on a job" and never suspected that he could be away on the job.
Eliza continued working -- as a man -- until his 66th year, when he quit to apply for immediate admittance to the Barncoose hospital, where he swapped his sombrero for a flowing floral flamenco dress and castanets. He never left the hospital once and, when the mothers of his children separately found their way to the doors of the hospital, he denied all knowledge of both them and their children, screaming "I aren’t able to faither no children -- I’m a bleddy woman!"
The funeral will take place at Gluvias Street Methodist Church at 2.00 pm next Wednesday. Mourners will be welcome, but are asked to send no flowers. Instead they should feel free to contribute to the Treloar Abandoned Children’s Fund.
Isaac Trenery (45), a devoted amateur dramatist and much-loved local man, passed away quietly and most unexpectedly at home over the weekend. Mr Trenery worked on the Cheese counter at the Lower Co-op in Penzance since he left Heamoor School at the age of 15. He never married, despite his obvious popularity with the housewives, who were prepared to queue for hours to buy his cheese. He lived quietly at home with his mother and his pet gerbils, Cindy and Celandine. He discovered his dramatic bent rather late in life, becoming, at the invitation of a friend, a member of the West Cornwall Men’s Drama Group. Although he most often took girls’ parts, he did occasionally play men and is seen on the left in his favourite role of Macbeth in last year’s production at Nancledra. 
Limpy Polglaze (67), owner of the popular Russian Revolutionary Shoe Shop in Bread Street, Penzance, passed away on Monday Night. Limpy leaves a widow, Agnes, and three adult children. Limpy was a brilliant and colourful Penzance entrepreneur, who was always on the lookout to corner a market. He started his career by launching the Italian Operatic Fish and Chip Shop in Hayle. Tiring quickly, as he did, with every new idea, he moved on to his next "big opportunity" with the opening of Poseidon’s, his Underwater Bookshop, between Penzance Harbour and Battery Rocks. Losing interest in this venture (along with his entire stock and two staff members) following a bad winter storm, he began his theme of "big winners", a string of retail opportunities with different historical themes. Previous themes have included the Elizabethan Lavatory Company; the Tudor Television Company (featuring the world’s only entirely wooden TV set); Legionary’s, the Imperial Roman bakery and delicatessen; and also Atahuallpa’s, the Inca menswear company.
Limpy, a man unfazed by the fact that his left leg was a good four inches shorter than his right, was contented to the last. His funeral will take place at the Kiev-Pechersk Cave Monastery and afterwards (quite a bit afterwards) at the Truro Crematorium.
Dickie "Banjo" Trevains (54) passes on. Commuters from Penzance Railway station will have been familiar with the sight of Dickie Trevains and his banjo. With only one song in his repertoire, Dickie would go to the Station on his days off from work and pluck away enthusiastically at his banjo to accompany himself singing, in his falsetto voice, his Spice Girls’ favourite "Two become one". Thought harmless until his unfortunate arrest some years back for exposing himself to passing schoolgirls, Dickie tried his best, despite his characteristic "toppest" top hat, to simply blend in with local society. He came to West Penwith at the age of 22 and worked for SWEB, then St Just Co-op, and finally Morrisons. Never marrying, he leaves his pet pig, Pauline, to the bacon counter at Morrisons.
LONELY HEARTS
The Roundup has been besieged by the unattached of West Penwith to offer an introduction facility. We are pleased to do so in this edition and hope that the young people featured here will soon find the partner of their dreams.
Looking for Love in TredenneckLavinia Barnicoat (23) of Bosliven Lane, Tredinnick is looking for a man to complete her life. Lavinia lives at home with her widowed mother and works at the nearby Chynoweth farm as a labourer. Her interests are cross stitch, Sudoku, line dancing, making home-made candles, tormenting small animals, and music. Her passion is the jew’s harp, on which she can play the flight of the bumble bee at devastating speed. Her dream is to find a Prince Charming with whom she can share a life of luxury in a place like St Just, in a house with an inside toilet. Interested Romeos should reply to Box 3024.
In the mood for romance in Ludgvan
Amelia Lewellian (29) of Ludgvan is a catch for any young man. Only child of dairy farmer Ambrose Lewellian (78), she brings with her the warming prospect of the thriving farm in years to come. Close observers of her photograph will have noticed that, whilst Amelia has a fine head with a fetching face marred only by two hardly noticeable moles, she does lack a body. This has held her back in the courting stakes, as she finds it tricky to engage in any of the activities requiring a body. Ambrose hopes that the "farm’ll swing it. Plenty a boys out there ud luv to git their ‘ands on a farm like gis". Amelia remains hopeful. Box 2037 is the one to write to.Shy but willing to try
Rachel Lanyon (27), a lap-dancer from Gwavas Estate in Newlyn, is a shy retiring girl looking for a similarly quiet man. She says that he should be of advanced years, poor in health, but very rich. "I aren’t a gold-digger. I duh jest find rich men easier to talk to." Rachel lists her interests as collecting old coins of the realm, antiques, jewellery, and fast cars. Her as yet unfulfilled dreams are to "'ave snails in some posh restaurant in Penzance and to do a bit o dogging at the Taj Mahal in India". Interested men (wealthy and over the age of 85) should write to Box 2047.Fancy a bender?
Gay plumber, Thomas Nankervis (37) of Treave, is looking for a long term relationship. Tired of playing the gay scene in Treave, Thomas is looking to settle down. His interests are bowls, darts, model railways, collecting bus and train numbers, racing his toy yacht, and cooking and baking. Thomas also plays the triangle in Helston Silver band. Interested males, preferably from Treave, are asked to write to Box 4589.Doctor looking for love
Dr Richard "Scatty" Botheras (42) is a colourful character on the St Ives social and medical scene. Hating dealing with illness and ailments, Scatty likes to cheer up all those he meets with jolly japes, laughs and fun. "Why worry about the illness that will soon have you dead, just have a laugh and a chuckle with me instead!"With one of the shorter patient lists in medical history (he only had 52 patients left at time of writing), Scatty is looking for a woman to help him with his burden of caring for the sick in St Ives. Box 4521 is the one to write to.
Are you ready for the Boscobba experience?
Grace "Asbo" Friggens (25), of Penorven Drive, Boscobba, is looking for a brave man willing to give her a second chance. With a series of convictions for unprovoked spontaneous knife assaults on the young men of Boscobba, Grace has been finding it hard to form relationships.Currently unemployed, it is her dream to find a young man with whom to settle down and make a home, preferably in Boscobba. With a population of just 35, this could be a tall order, as she has seriously injured all the young males currently living in the village. However, she fervently hopes that this serene picture of female pulchritude will lure young males from all around West Penwith. Box 2987 is the one to write to.
The Ladies are back!
Many readers have asked for another picture of the Gwithian Ladies Pedicycle Club. We cannot accede to Mr Bosher Thomas’s request for them to be shown in the nude, but they are modelling the latest in knitted cycle wear -- the next best thing.
Pictured, from the left, are June Beckerleg (26), Mary Hocking (24), Eliza Tonkin (25), Gracie Chellew (29), Martha Tregenza (18) and Faith Kelynack (19).
Since they only have the one bike between them, the ladies are keen to meet men of property in West Penwith, who would be prepared to invest in the Club. (No hanky panky!)
ENTY MAY'S SALON
As she is also known for the quality of intellectual cut and thrust in her renowned Gwavas 'salon', we have asked her to share with us a snippet or two from her busy high society life - the envy of many in West Penwith.
Ello, my luvvers! Oweealldoinov?
They nice Roundup people 'ave ast me to let ee all into bitta my busy life. Well, I couldn' say'naw, could I, speshially when they offered a 'ole boxa they Ferrero Rotchers for 'un. So 'ere goes!
I wuz deown Kwop 'smornin nice ' early doing my weekly shopliftin' an all I could 'ear roun' me was "Idn neverbinusbadazis".
So I said to Mrs 'Ollis (oo's out and about again after her opration down blow las' month) "Wassall that aboutuh? What ebbent bin subad?"
She said "This 'ere bad weather we're avin, tha's what! I tell ee 'sfreezin up Buryan. Ole man o' 98 upair 'ad 'is back'ouse toilet completely freeze ovver. W'as worse, 'eed fallen asleep on un at the time an 'ad to be unfrozen with a blow torch! Well, nearly did fer'n nat did, poor ole bugger."
"O, es", said I, with 'n understandin nod, while I carefully 'id nuther tin o' beans deown my knickers.
The shoppin was getting' a bit 'eavy neow and was beginin to show through the extra large cot I duh wear fer shopliftin. So I said my goodbyes and went up tuh the till, where I 'anded over the pack o' penny chews I duh always get 'n pay fer. While I was payin, I could ear the roar o' the car engine eoutside.
My eldest nephew, Trev, oo's 13 - summgoodeeis too, bless 'issoul - was waitin outside in today's noo car. Trouble is when you've borrowed ovun withoutta key, 's best to keep the engine runnin' -- which is jest as well as I might 'ave ad to leave in a 'urry.
I struggled roun to the back o the car, fished out the week's shopliftin' 'n chucktenall in the boot 'cept fer the bottle o' vodkee fer boy Trev, oo'd gone tuh the trouble a getting up early to find a car fer we and needed to 'ave a good reward.
Trev took a fews swigs and then drove me roun' tuh the Penzance Arts Club, where I was givin my weekly talk - topic gis week "Can Tories 'ave souls?" Course, after a 'our o' entertaining deliberation, I 'ad to conclude that Tories only 'ave assoles - bleddy big ones too!"
Then - good as 'is word - Trev, my li'l bird, come roun' with a anawther noo car to tek me 'ome fer a nice cuppa tea and vodka.
Couldn' sit roun fer too long. Ad tuh get muskates on, as I a'd that President Teacosy o' Frince comin round fer private advice on 'is li'l problum. Anyway, more 'bout that sum other time. I gotta getonagain 'ereneow. Cheers neow! See ee 'gen dreckly!
Enty May
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