BARGAIN CORNER (call Relubbus 56324 and the box number!)
Arabic Scrabble game - almost complete. Yours for a fiver. (Box 6)
Second hand genital piercing jewellery available. Job lot £78. Washed in hot water and good as new. (Box7)
Grandpa's hearing aids - all twelve of them - only £50 (Box 8)
Beautiful-looking Upright Piano - a real bargain at £5 - no strings attached. (Box 9)
Ford Anglia wing mirror, glass slightly broken so reduced price of £24.99 (Box 10)
Child's blue plastic sandal for left foot -size 5. Strap in perfect condition and fully functional. Suggest use for child who likes to hop. Only £18 (Box11)
Sat Nav, which operates in Cornish voice with strong St Just accent only. Only covers Cornwall, but dead hot on all the B roads. £757 (Box12)
Empty cardboard box with generous size of 2ft by 2 ft. No limit to what you can put in it, provided you do not exceed the overall size stated . Stuffed with £20 notes it would be very valuable indeed, but you can have it for just £50. Comes complete with full operating instructions!! (Box 12)
Goods and services
We will high-pressure clean your drive or path! Also we will undertake enemas and colonic irrigation! You supply the power and the water and we will do the rest to our best! Call Madron and Billy Dodekahedron on Gulval 568321.
It's double dread time! Both the UK political season and the hay fever season! How will you cope??!! Don't worry! Turn to Monty Batt of Newbridge! His hay fever remedies (available at just £37 a course!!) are known and respected as far away as Marazion.
Now he has altered the formula to deal with other aggravating ailments, such as irritation about immigration in general or something as specific as anger about the prolific ubiquity of Polish plumbers! One pill can take care of the hay fever AND Polish plumber syndrome!! All this for just £5 extra! Don't delay. Call Monty on Newbridge 542912!
Never say "Ere speakup, I kentearee!" again! You can buy your own Ennis Ear Trumpet! Ennis ear trumpets have been used by the best all over the world, including Lenny the Lion, Mr Pastry, recent Prime Minister Anthony Eden and South African tearaway, Nelson Mandela. Now you can own an Ennis Ear Trumpet for just £15,675. Ennis of Ludgvan on 561265.
Lovely Ladies' Lingerie in Lime-Green Leatherette handcrafted to fit you perfectly by Heamoor's Mr Plastic, Dougie Pender. Heamoor 457291. "I promise - you will never feel the same again!!"
Calling all Gardeners! Your plants will respond to the elixir of life -- Farmyard manure!!! Show off in front of your neighbours - let them see what you've got!. I will drop off a tractorload of the best and freshest farmyard manure in your front garden for just £95 a go. Be the envy of your neighbours with a your own manure heap. Call Jimmy Trevains on Bosavern 543621.
Skilled Cabinet maker available to undertake commissions of all sorts in the wood of your choice. I am also happy to undertake breast enhancements and reductions. 'Phone Len Behenna on Newlyn 92741.
Japanese electric teeth whiteners. Simply attach wire from mains to teeth and switch on and Hey Presto White Teeth! Buy with confidence from Long Rock Import/Export company (No convictions). Long Rock 674562.
Defrocked, but kindly, priest sells cut-price indulgences with free 5 minute confession session. Anything forgiven for the right price (from £300 upwards). Sorry, no credit. Guarantee given that information gained will NOT be used in blackmail. 'Phone Father Opie on Hayle 83421.
Ladies! Keen foot fetishist will wash your feet for free! 'Phone Pierre Le Pied on Heamoor 56739.
Teeth missing? No problem, but a great opportunity! Get fitted with new teeth made from Cornish tin handcrafted for you by ex-train driver and all-round handyman Dicky Polkinghorne. Don't hesitate - it's only £.3.99 per tooth, so call Dicky drekkly on Madron 659234.
RELUBBUS ROUNDUP APRIL CLASSIFIEDS
EUROVISION 2010: SOME SONGS, SOME HOPES!
Here the Roundup reviews some of the entries in this year's ever popular Eurovision Song Contest.
ISRAEL
Some people are confused that Israel should be taking part in a European competition, as it is a little bit like Ireland competing in the Pan-African Games.
Yes, the biggest surprise of all in the 2010 Eurovision Song Contest is the entry from Israel, the gay mime act "Contortions", featuring Shlomo Weiszman (48) and his young friend, Mordecai Grudz-Already-Yet-Still (21).
This hugely talented pair, a mime act from downtown Jaffa, has attracted record crowds at bus stops all over Israel with their compelling representations - performed entirely in mime - of great political events, of great songs and of great instrumental music.
They are hoping to win this year with their frankly frenetic mime representation of Stravinsky's Firebird.
BELGIUM
From de Kerkstraat in Dikkelvenne comes mistress of the Belgian triangle, Veerle van Nagelmakkers (18). Veerle is not only the most accomplished triangle player to have emerged from Dikkelvenne in the past few months, she has also found the time to become a fully qualified pubic hairdresser.
In her spare, she breeds long-haired hamsters and is an avid follower of well-known (in Belgium) soaps such as the gripping 'Wittekerke' and the sometimes raunchy 'Thuis'. In fact, Veerle thinks she looks just like Femke in the TV show.
She will be giving her 47 minute rendition of the classic Flemish favourite 'De Vlaamse Muis' accompanying herself on her trusty treble triangle.
GERMANY
The trio are all sheet metal workers in the same company, where they discovered that they all shared an interest in developing their feminine side.
Meeting up after work for pamper sessions, they also made the happy discovery that they shared a love of singing - or, rather, yodelling. They began to work up a yodelling routine, which they tried out at their favourite haidresser's in Hamburg, Marco's (a subsidiary of the 'The Male Company' in Hayle).
Gushing in unison (with only the faintest yodel in the voice) the likely lads trilled "Effrevun sought zat ve vere vunderful, darlink!" They went on to conquer the clubs and then mainstream television with ease in their own show "Boys und Ladies".
The lads will be yodelling for Germany in the coming contest, but will be singing in English in their own composition dedicated to the German Chancellor "I vunt a haircut like Angela!"
UNITED KINGDOM
Benny was originally a Pendeen man and has been charming audiences up and down Cornwall as a well-known and much-loved act for the past fifty years.
From his pictures, people always assume that Benny is playing an outsize banjo. It is only when they meet him that they realise that the banjo is of a normal size and that it is Benny, who is a bit on the small side.
Using this fact to his advantage, Benny has made a perfectly good living over the years as a mobile garden gnome. He is also further blessed in that he has, as the Cornish would say, "gotsum voice onun, abnuh?"
Accompanying himself on his banjo, Benny will be deploying his bewitchingly tuneful falsetto voice to give a rendition of the classic Cornish favourite 'Lil' Lize'.
As people in the Greenmarket in Penzance were saying only yesterday "Benny'll walk un easy!"
TOILETS OF NOTE IN RELUBBUS
Relubbus is rightly famed for the grandeur, the inspired innovative flourishes and exceeding beauty of its many institutions. Who, therefore, could be surprised that Relubbus excels also in the novel freshness of its approach to the provision of public conveniences - or 'toyluts' as they are known in Relubbus.
The Roundup is aware that many of of our numerous international visitors may be unaware of these hidden gems of the state of Relubbus and we accordingly feature some of them in this issue.
The first and foremost to be mentioned must be the one which is most closely linked with the notion of expeditious dispensation of justice in Relubbus - namely the judges' seats in the Relubbus High Courts.
The Judicial Seat
All those appearing before the judges are required to eat a hearty meal and to consume plenty of liquids beforehand. Once in court, they cannot leave for any reason at all before final judgement is given.
Owing to the build-up of natural bodily pressures - particularly as a result of the addition of laxatives to all food and drink available on the court premises - the lawyers are far less tempted to spin it out.
In fact, many of them are quite desperate to finish quickly before those inevitable accidents occur, which give rise to immediate hefty judicial fines.
Even the judges are not allowed to leave the court until the business is done. However, a quick look behind the judges' benches reveals that they are not under the same pressure as everyone else in the court. Each judge now sits on a special 'judging toylut', tenderly crafted and hand finished by Messrs Bollock and Bolitho of Ponsanooth.
Members of the public can also now buy a 'judge's toylut', but interested purchasers should be aware that these fine but functional works of art cost a hefy £103.45.
The Beachbum Special
As toilet seats are often held to be a potential source of germs, the makers have very cleverly got around this problem by the simple expedient of not fitting any seats to these toilets. One simply parks one's bum directly on to the porcelain, which itself is regularly washed clean, some say perfumed, by the frequent soft Cornish rain.
Paper can be purchased from the beach shop or lifeguard, if there is one. During the winter time, users are expected to bring their own paper.
The Water Closet
Thus the 'floating toylut' was developed to help put and end to this absolutely disgusting practice. Swimmers suddenly caught by the urge now have no excuse. They can simply clamber aboard and then sit in comfort until their business is done.
Again, with hygiene to the fore, a pressurised pipe carries the effluent right all the way down to the sea bottom or, at least, to the end of the five foot pipe.
The Tourist's Friend
That is where the Tourist's Friend's Toylut comes into its own! You can see out and everyone else can see in! There is no chance of getting lost.
What is more, your friends will not only know where you are but, with this marvellous toylut, also be able to see just how well you are doing and when you will be out!
Just think of the tourist snaps you will be able to take.
We have told you here about just four of the innovative toilets to be found hereabouts. But that is not the end of the story.
Next time we will tell you about the 'high wire toylut', the 'trampoline toylut' and the 'upside down toylut', which are just three of the star attractions at the brand new TOYLUT Theme Park in Relubbus.
NEW BOOK, NEW AUTHOR
Popular Penzance prostitute, Kelly Killigrew (39), whose acute commercial sense led her to develop an initiative, "the price ladder", which has subsequently been gratefully copied by hundreds of professional ladies from St Buryan to right up to Camborne, has decided to branch out into writing.
However, now still with almost half her own teeth and free from disease at the last check just 19 years ago, Kelly, thinking of the future, has decided that, with gravity now beginning to pull its not inconsiderable weight, it is now time to carve out and develop a new career.
She has thus turned to writing and has conceived of the idea of penning a history of Notable Courtesans of West Penwith.
Despite this new departure, as she says herself, "I aren't givin up the scrubbin' completely. I duh still do it, but I duh do the writin' in between like." Thus she can often be viewed pacing up and down Parade Street with a notebook in her hand, furiously scribbling away in between rushed visits to the bushes of nearby Morrab Gardens in the company of 'reg'lars'.
Billy Curnow Publications of Adelaide Street, Penzance has snapped up the chance to take on this new local author. Says proprietor, Billy Curnow, "I wuz persuaded by the regal prose o' this queenathu pros and by the 50% off she gimme fer 6 weeks!" Clearly, he hadn't heard of the price ladder.
With Kelly's kind permission we are taking just a brief look at some of the historical local talent she is featuring in her book.
They are, from the left, Lizzie Kelynack (16), Seline Hichens (17), Gracie Beckerleg (19), Alice Chirgwin (22), Sarah Jago (21), Aggie Curnow (27), Lavinia Lutey (24), and their captain and surprisingly agile yet one-legged star, Liza Cargeeg (29).
Known by Policeman Carne as 'the scourge of the cove', these young ladies busily worked the streets of Sennen Cove in the 1920s. Dressed in a home-made uniform, they tended to stand out because of their unorthodox gait as they practised their eye-catching 'walk in formation'. For more, get the book.
Although the latter was married, he was so smitten with the young temptress that he set her up in a sumptuous lovenest in Botallack on a fabulous daily allowance of 2/6d a day, excluding food. An accomplished and pioneering writer of the Cornish novella and a prolific poetess, all of the manuscripts of this noted but sadly unpublished writer were consumed by the chip fire that took her life in 1924.
Kelly tells the story of many another local fair maid but we will mention here only one more and that is the Newlyn nymph that was Priscilla "Pilchards" Polkinghorne, captured here on her 29th birthday.
Known as "Pilchards" because of the the sharp smell her body emitted, she later grew into a ravishing beauty, much sought after at the tennis club and at Penzance swimming pool, where hundreds of local boys would congregate just to catch a glimpse of her breathtaking figure.
All the dashing swains from far around would pursue her - to no avail. At the age of 17 she had lost her heart to a 77-year-old unhappily married dairy farmer from Tremethick Cross, whom she rapidly proceeded to make most happy.
In all weathers, she faithfully cycled up to see him for half an hour each evening at 7.30 , when he was out with the cows. This went on for 40 years, when he sadly expired. Consumed with grief, she followed him just two weeks after.
Hungry for more? The book will be available from Billy Curnow Publications and at all good bookshops from next Wednesday at a price of just £749.99 each (or £3,500 for four copies!).
RELUBBUS JUDICIAL SYSTEM CELEBRATED THROUGHOUT WORLD
Our legal correspondent, Tommy 'Asbo' Trezise (31), makes a, for him, unusually sober assessment which he shares with us here:
At the 196th novennial International Judicial Symposium held in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, assembled luminaries of the legal world all concluded that the Relubbus judicial sytem was unparalleled in its innovative approach, its fairness and equity and, above all, in its effectiveness.
The symposium is unique amongst international gatherings in that all its proceedings are conducted in the 'silver' latin of Tacitus.
It further saw off, a little more easily, later attempts in the 1970s to adopt the lofty language of high Ciceronian address.
It was thus in the more comfortable medium of the latin of Tacitus that legal systems from across the world were discussed in Vaduz -- with the conclusion that in Relubbus the pinnacle of judicial excellence had been reached.
Visitors to Relubbus are often taken aback by one of the most startling differences between practice here and elsewhere in the world.
Every word and every sentence heard in the Relubbbus courts is sung and not spoken.
Each day a tune is selected from the Methodist Hymn Book and every word uttered must follow the tune of that selected hymn.
This practice dates back to the 18th century, when inveterate stammerer, Madron Trembath (82), was called upon to give evidence. Whilst Madron was sadly known to take up to twenty minutes to say so much as "Gordhewer da", yet he could sing as fluently and as beautifully as a nightingale.
Mr Justice Horton Behenna then gave him special dispensation to present his evidence in song. It later became apparent that singing brought other advantages as well.
When one is concentrating on following a tune, it becomes more difficult to dissemble or lie - the increased mental focus thus gives rise to more honest utterances. With keen Methodist judges in control of the Relubbus courts, it was not long until they ruled that everyone - including themselves - must make all utterances in song only.
As will now be readily appreciated, the focus in Relubbus courts is on stripping away all obstacles and impediments to clear perception of the truth.
This is also reflected in the unusual dress code in court. It is believed that being bare-legged provides a gentle reminder that we should all be as naked before the law. It also has the huge advantage that everyone makes sure to wear clean underwear and this promotes a healthier atmosphere for all.
"The smellinere av gottalot better neow. Time was you'd aff choke when summa they crimnals wasineer!"
Attendance at the courts is now one of the biggest tourist attractions in Relubbus, with all public gallery spaces in the Relubbus Central Criminal Court fully booked right up to the end of 2015.
So book now, if you want a seat in 2016!
DIRE WARNING FOR THE WORLD
Reclusive hedge-fund manager, Nathaniel Polkinghorne of Nancegollan (45) has acquired a reputation - and huge wealth - for always being right.
These long journeys gave him time to ruminate, and then expound, on many a challenge facing the world. Unable to keep his opinions to himself, he often used to park the bus and, keeping the doors locked, give unsolicited lectures to his captive audience, sometimes for several hours.
Such lectures were not always appreciated by his passengers and some even took it upon themselves to instruct Polkinghorne to 'button it' or, in local parlance, "shut yer bleddy cakole and git the bus goinagen". When he spoke of the world financial order, some challenged him to put his money where his mouth was.
Loaded as he is with his new-found wealth, he is now seldom seen at Morrison's, leaving his mother to undertake the weekly shopping alone. (" I duh always pay my 'alf towardsun like!")
He stays at home with his mother, neglecting his sumptuous Long Rock bachelor's pad. He rarely emerges to dispense wisdom to the lesser sort.
Thus it was unusual when he called a press conference. This was attended by scores of eager reporters, some of whom came from as far away as Bude to listen to him.
When all were seated, as he had requested, he spoke and, in so doing, struck a truly sombre note.
Reminding his audience that he had famously never been wrong about anything, he announced that, whilst he had no desire to cause global panic, he felt compelled to share his now certain knowledge that every single person upon the face of the earth was going to die. There would be no exceptions. Everyone - literally everyone - was going to die. An awed chill silence filled the room.
He looked his audience in the eye and coldly stated that everyone, after a mere 150 years, would be no more. He then turned and left.
Said paper boy, Charlie Clemo (7) of Portreath "Eedthink ee's sum bleddy smart, eedoo. I cuddatolun that, daffbugger!"
Could Clemo be the new Polkinghorne?
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