Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


By our special Chinese Sports Correspondent, Dung Xiao Fried Lice

Boswedden Lane is full of the talk of medal prospects, since one of the strongest ever Relubbus teams has been fielded in Peking (as Billy Spargo has ordered it to be named).

The strongest gold medal hope resides in Ned ‘Pasties ‘ Nudd (14) , who will be competing in the ‘Floating’ competition. The International Olympic Committee (IOC) admitted the Floating competition following a petition from the Small Nations of the World, who backed Relubbus to the hilt.

Competion rules are that one must have eaten 500 shop pasties (Eddy’s, Rowe’s, Warren’s or Philp’s only are admissible (Ginsters are banned!)) in the previous 48 hours, before one attempts to float for four hours is a swimming pool. As Ned normally eats 300 pasties a day, he (firmly supported -- not literally, of course -- by his Mum) says that he should ‘walk it’. Just to make sure, the picture we show is of Ned in training – after 400 pasties a day.

The ever popular girls’ relay drinking team, shown here with their trainer, Tommy Tregarthen after a heavy session at the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, have stepped up their drinking to ensure victory in the Women's 18-24 Piss-Up Competition. The rules are simple – ‘down’ the most in rapid succession and stay standing – for, at least, 30 minutes. These dedicated young women – all from Tremethick Cross Young Women’s Drinking Club are, from the left, Lavinia Angove (21), Aggie Lanyon (23), Letitia ‘Scrubber’ Liddicoat (22) and Poppy Cock (19) . These young women carry Relubbus’s hopes for a second gold.

Relubbus also has great hopes on the track. Brenda Opie (84) is our big gold medal hope in the Over Eighties Incontinence 50 Mile Sprint. Brenda is shown here in the midst of her gruelling training for the race. It is not just a question of keeping going in a gruelling 50 mile sprint race. It is also a matter of keeping up a constant detectable fine spray during the whole proceedings. Brenda is the girl for this task.

Brenda’s chances in this competition have been nothing if not strengthened by her reputed association with Chinese President, Hu Jintao, (37) who is apparently ‘hopressry in rove’ with her. Hu confided to friends on the Central Committee “Wat dat girl can do wiv cigar is no one’s business!!”.

Relubbus’ medal hopes do not end there. Silver or bronze hopes are realistic prospects for Dougie Ladner in the 1950s Milk Drinking Competition. This calls for the ability to drink glasses of milk “in a style consistent with the manner, practice, dress and decorum of the 1950s”. Dougie is held to be a natural for this, as he is a freeze-dried 1950s person.

Another hot contender for a medal is the St Ives milkman, Dick Rosewarne (45), in the Llama Impersonation Competition. Dick is so good at this that even his wife and mother (absolutely NOT the same person, despite the fact that they have never been seen together) are unable to detect him in a herd of llamas when he is ‘doing his impersonation’.

Yet another Relubbus medals hope is to be found in the new ‘Unusual Foods Consumption’ competition, where Pascoe Polkinghorne (29) of Gurnards Head is believd to have a strong chance. He has been in the Far East engaged on an extended training programme, centred on eating rat (as shown in the attached photo).

The last Relubbus medals hope is to be found in the recently introduced “Name That Sex” competition. Contestants are merely required to confuse the judges as to their gender, during interview AND subsequent physical examination. The Relubbus entrant, Chris Pender (32) of Buryas Bridge, has managed to confound and confuse his/her own mother (Nigel) for the past 25 years and Nigel says that Chris should definitely get a medal, if not the gold. The excitement can hardly be contained.

Let us wait to see where Relubbus appears on the medals table!!!

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