Nyns eus goon heb lagas, na ke heb scovarn

There is no down without an eye, nor hedge without an ear


As we all know, Relubbus high society sets trends today which others in lesser places like London, Paris, New York and Hayle follow tomorrow.

The world of cosmetic surgery is just one more field in which bold moves taken in Relubbus will doubtless be aped elsewhere.

Leading Cosmetic Dentist, Billy “Clubfoot” Clemo (31, or so he maintains) from Rosudgeon has performed a ‘dental reconstruction’ on the ever-beautiful husky-voiced jazz singer from Tremethick Cross, Morwenna Zenna (36, 24, 36).

Clemo is a controversial character. His liberal use of immoderate and inappropriate language is upsetting for some who are not prepared to make allowances for his greatness. Furthermore, as can sometimes be the case with those touched by brilliance, Clemo is given to emotional outbursts of sometimes frightening proportions. However in Clemo’s case, the outbursts have more to do with his exasperation at his hearing problem than with brilliance.

Now completely deaf, he refuses to employ deaf aids and is a very poor lip reader. This is a potentially disastrous combination for occupants of the dentist’s chair. However, potential patients will take comfort from the fact that, following a series of complaints of "torture", patients are now issued with a "pain-button" which, when pressed, sets the surgery lights flashing and gives Clemo a mild electric shock to attract his attention.

The world has long had an obsession with certain ideals of beauty. However, we now live in an age where we can reconstruct ourselves to conform to such ideals. Of course, this has the unfortunate and deeply regrettable consequence that we might all end up looking like clones. Billy Clemo is one of the professionals who opposes such Hollywood conformity. He is devoting his cosmetic surgery skills to making people look different from one another.

Before the surgery, Morwenna Zenna gave us an interview in which she stated that she was delighted to be first amongst the Relubbus glitterati asked to become a pioneer for new attitudes towards beauty.

Morwenna has been a thinking man’s crumpet for some years, a pin-up in solicitors’ offices and doctors’ surgeries all over Relubbus. A picture of her has even been glimpsed on display in the sumptuous offices of Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo (65).

Having set trends in jazz singing, she is now prepared to blaze a trail in new concepts of beauty. Billy Clemo is giving her teeth the new look of the 21st century, and then she moves on to Billy’s brother Zeke, a plastic surgeon operating in Prospidnick, who will complete the transformation in beauty.

We can now show below the brilliance of Clemo’s work. On the left, we have a picture of Morwenna’s teeth before the operation, clearly displaying those old outdated concepts of beauty. On the right we show a picture of Morwenna’s teeth after the operation, which fully displays the transformational nature of Clemo’s pioneering work.

Morwenna herself was unavailable for comment.

However, Billy was very chipper and talked of the operation as a great success, which will bring all the young beauties his way, clutching their £10,000 in order to have the same operation as Morwenna.

For the first five ladies who email us here at the Roundup, we will contribute a full £10 (for EACH of the five!) towards the dental cosmetic costs.

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