ADVERTISEMENT FEATURETTE
Dream no longer about the kitchen you would like to have!! It has arrived – from RELUBBUS KITCHENS!!
These kitchens – and super appliances - will be the envy of all your friends, and are brought to you by by Relubbus Kitchens, a wholly-owned subsidiary of R C Oates Enterprises Ltd.
Take a peek!
This roomy 5ft 6 in by 6ft (!) super kitchen has a door opening out onto the very latest in kitchen appliances, the combined washer-ringer. It could all be yours – for just £21,300 (plus fitting and VAT).
All of the fitments are nearly new and have been especially cleaned so that they will sparkle at you - and at your friends.
Please note that to have the door painted to the standard shown in this photograph will naturally cost an additional £195.99.
Or, if you really want to see what envy looks like – up close on the faces of your friends – then knock them out with this futuristic kitchen, which can be yours for as little as £42,595 (plus fitting and VAT).
If you also take the optional built-on lean-to toilet, it will cost, of course, a further £6,500 (and an additional £1,500 if you want the toilet plumbed in). The flooring is manufactured from pure 100% plastic "Treneere" lino, while all of the kitchen furniture has been pieced together – lovingly, by hand, from materials occurring naturally in Cornwall*).
But maybe your requirements are more modest. You could be perfectly happy with your current kitchen, and just need the perfect appliance to "set everything off".
Relubbus Kitchens can help you with this as well!
Kitchen storage couldn’t be easier with our (almost) brand new kitchen storage cabinet. Each one is cleaned up especially for you before delivery and care is taken to remove almost every trace of the previous owner’s dirt, rat poison, or food choices. It is our proud boast that only two people have died in the last year from poisoning contracted from the use of our cabinets. The pictured cabinet could be yours for as little as £1,978.99 (plus delivery and VAT).
Alternatively, you might want (and who can blame you?!) to make your friends jealous with the sight of this "must have" cooker. Is it a gas cooker? Is it an electric cooker? No, all of that is old hat! It is the very latest in environmentally-friendly cow pat cooking: all you have got to do is find the cow pats!
You may well be tempted by what you have seen, but may not be sure you can afford our reasonable prices. Have no fear!! Finance is available – at a very reasonable cost – from Moshe Trelowarren-Finkovitch Already Yet Still Limited of Sancreed. Loans for up to one year at a daily compound interest rate of only 42%!!
ULTRA MODERN KITCHENS – FROM RELUBBUS
RELUBBUS ROUNDUP CLASSIFIEDS
Men seeking women
Old fart, 82 but not yet dead, seeks stunning blonde between 25 and 29, who will lavish love upon me. Must be solvent, as I aren’t. Tel 0905 446 4612
Young chapelgoer (32) seeks partner of whom mother would approve. Must be of child-bearing years, clean driving licence and no diseases. Tel 0905 449 7632
Sparkling, articulate, overweight male (45), own teeth and own van. Married but seeks discreet female partners for playing away. Tel 0905 662 8712
Women seeking men
Early 50s female only slightly deaf, bubbly attractive petite (3ft 2 ins tall), but sonorously flatulent seeks kind-hearted man with own car and similar affliction. Likes pub evenings, bingo and crosswords. Tel 0905 884 4523
Ludgvan female accountant (43) emerging from nasty divorce seeks fun-loving plumber with fondness for woodland animals. No sex, please! Tel 0905 728 1183
Other people seeking other people
Derek is 52, single, and lives in Mevagissey. A milkman all his life and very keen on darts (which he plays every night), he is excited by the thought of barbed wire and bondage and would like to meet similar men to share interests and maybe more. Tel 0905 674 3283
Single badger (27) looking for mate and not too particular! Tel 0905 693 4528
FOR SALE
Box 3 Petrol-powered automatic toothbrush for sale with litre of petrol £9.50
Box 4 Gent’s pink and green latex speedo – 56” waist £7.50
Box 7 Home-made (from bean tins), but very effective nose drop collector (to save on tissues!) £41.20
Box 11 Ladies cast iron knickers – generous size 20. Owner grown out of them £14.76
Box 32 Almost complete set of teeth – one careful owner, now dead – suit large mouth £78.99
Box 42 Attractive set of ladies’ earrings in blue plastic, with one ear still attached. £9.99
Box 31 Breeding Pair of ‘Sancreed Blue’ fighting rats with year’s supply of food £450
Box 20 Lean-to toilet hut in need of total renovation £1.95
Box 67 One-wheeled motor cycle, with side car for extra stability (and free umbrella for passenger!) vastly reduced, as no motor. £14
NEW SUPERHERO FOR RELUBBUS!
As far as Superheroes go, you may have heard of Batman and Gotham City, but have you heard of Relubbus and... "The Man with No Trousers"?
We present below (on far left) a partial snap of the reluctant hero -- who is known simply as 
The Man with No Trousers -- in a lucky photo taken on the Relubbus Underground, on the Central Line between the fashionable Boswedden Lane and Prospidnick Lane stops, by Agnes Tresidder (82), who commented merely, "I was takin’ my grandson's repaired camera 'ome on the Tube, when I suddenly saw The Man with No Trousers.
"I was sum shocked to see ov un and I must 'ave sumow pressed the button. Denzil, my grandson, told me I 'ad taken this 'ere picture."
Relubbus has been repeatedly astounded by reports of astonishing bravery and devilish and speedy skill on the part of an individual who moves quickly, very quickly indeed, but who wears no trousers. No one knows his name, but we print Mrs Tresidder's picture here in the fervent hope that someone -- maybe his mother -- will recognise the underpants the young man is wearing.
Mrs Tresidder added helpfully that, as he got off the train, she could observe pronounced "skid marks" on the reverse of the young hero's underpants, which might bring about a smile of knowing recognition on some proud mother's face. If the young hero can be found, a public honour to be presented by Council Leader Billy Spargo awaits him.
The young hero already has a string of acts of heroism to his name. Only last week, the Man with No Trousers appeared just in the nick of time to save Mrs 'Ollis' budgie from certain death in the jaws and paws of next door' s cat, Trewella.
The week before that he single-handedly neutralised 7 nuclear bombs that the People’s Republic of Hayle has recently imported from North Korea.
However, whilst many stories can be told about this latest of the Relubbus Legion of Superheroes, what news of the older established heroes such as 'Ooverman or Toiletwoman?
In a rare archive photograph, we proudly present here a picture of 'Ooverman in his very first 
act of derring do. Taken by an admiring amateur photographer, it shows 'Ooverman taking care of a spilt sherbet fountain in Marshall James' music store in Market Jew Street, Penzance, back in 1969.
Since then he and his hoover have been an ingredient of every natural disaster that has struck around the world. Bemused foreigners from Chernobyl to Bangladesh have been reassured by those comforting words delivered in a high-pitched West Cornish accent, "Orright, I'm 'ere neow, where can I plug it in?"
The fame of this superhero is shared by another Relubbus Superheroine, the so-called 
Toiletwoman. She has yet to perform a traditional "Superhero" act, but she has remained seated on the same toilet for 12 years, which is an accomplishment no one else has equalled.
We can report that she is still seated firmly on her toilet on the Gwavas Estate in Newlyn.
However, where might The Man with No Trousers be right now? Who can say… Have you seen him?
LILY LOOKALIKE SPOTTED IN MARAZION
The mystery lady who bears a remarkable resemblance to Lily Nichols, the con-artist and ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, has been sighted again, this time in Marazion. Previous sightings have been in Morrison's, the KWOP, and Lidl's in Penzance. She has also been seen loitering outside the flagship RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus.
This time, the mystery woman seemed to think that she had been invited to start the Trevaskis Challenge Round the World Raft Race (jointly sponsored by W.G. Trevaskis and English Heritage). Luckily, ace Roundup photographer "Snapper" Kelynack was in Marazion to cover the start of the race, and took the picture on the left.
Meanwhile, Lily Nichols herself, who makes a very comfortable living out of convincing the English media that she is an aristocrat (the mythical Duchess of Cornwall) is said to be furious at the antics of the interloper, whom she sees as trying to cash in on her territory.
"'Oo duh she think she is?" Lily complained yesterday. "Lollopin' aroun' like a git muppet, askin' people "How do you do?" an' "What do you do?" in thet bleddy silly voice?!"
PETROL-SAVING MOTORS FROM RC OATES
ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE
By Motoring Correspondent Horton Tregarthen
In these days of ever-rising petrol prices, RC Oates Automotive Industries are proud to announce new models that will save you money!
First up is the hand-powered motorbike, shown below. This truly innovative invention is reputed to do 32,578 miles to the gallon, although this figure may well be an under-estimate, since in tests so far the petrol has never needed to be replaced!
RC Oates' hand-powered motorbikeFor business users, we have the ground-breaking battery-powered truck, shown below. This too promises enormous savings in fuel costs. Although the initial cost of the battery is high, at £3,999,999.99, the battery is rechargeable (via a supplied hand-crank), and is expected to pay for itself in a short period of time.
RC Oates' battery-powered truckThe new vehicles will be manufactured at RC Oates' state-of-the-art fabrication plant in the People's Republic of Hayle, shown below. Among industry experts, this plant is widely acknowledged to be second in sophistication only to the robot-controlled Trevaskis Motors' factory situated in the garages behind Penponds Close, at Alverton, Penzance.
RC Oates' state-of-the-art fabrication plant at HayleWONDER DOG CAN TALK!!
Relubbus Central Veterinary Hospital has been thrilled by the achievements of its very latest "patient".
'Colenso' (pictured here on the left) is a representative of a very rare Cornish breed of dog, the Sancreed Sloucher, which is typified by very thin legs and a very large head. The Sloucher is believed to be the descendant of those ancient Celtic war hounds that so terrified the Roman legionaries.
However, in Colenso's case the characteristics are extremely strongly pronounced, giving him an enormous head (5 feet in diameter) and painfully thin legs, which are barely capable of supporting his head, which accounts for 8 of his 9 stone in weight.
In fact, it was his difficulty in keeping his head up that brought him into hospital in the first place. The problem was solved by putting his head in a cushioned and supportive little frame on wheels.
Doctor Horton Bolitho, director of the hospital, said "Little Colenso has won over all the nurses with his cute and winsome ways. Once you get over the imbalance between head and body, he begins to look very cute. Also, the fearsome characteristics which so worried the Romans have been bred out of the breed over the centuries.
However, the most miraculous thing that we have discovered about little Colenso is that he is capable of speech. His very large head has given him a voicebox capable of human-like speech and a significant brain, which has enabled him to understand human speech and to use it himself".
Astounded nurses came across Colenso reciting rhyming couplets to himself when he thought no one was listening.
After several weeks the Roundup was admitted to the hospital and allowed to interview Colenso, who spoke as follows:
"Actually I am quite pissed off about that bugger Bolitho saying that I have got a big head. I mean -- have you seen the size of his big bonce??!! Its a bit of a bleddy cheek! I insist that, if you print a picture of me, you also print a picture of that bighead Bolitho!!""
Never wishing to mislead or disappoint, we print here on the left a picture of Dr Bolitho, who, we do have to admit, does possess a head which is far larger than can be considered normal.
Indeed, he seems to be cranially super-charged, but, unlike Colenso, does not appear to be compensated by an unusually high intelligence.
Colenso, who has quickly learnt to read since entering hospital, has most recently taken to wearing a bow tie and has become a keen crossword solver, able to complete the Times crossword in under four minutes.
Now that he has got some sensible support for his head, Colenso is thinking of leaving hospital and getting a job. Rather fancying Fiona Bruce, Colenso would like to become her newscasting partner and believes that, as the world's only talking dog, he must have an excellent chance of success.
Before leaving for London to apply for a job alongside Fiona -- for whom he could woof all night long! -- he will be appearing "in conversation" at the Relubbus Panopticon Theatre next Monday and Tuesday evenings. Tickets are available from £95 each.
