CELEBRITY NEWS
Professor Madron Pengelly (29) is, in the opinion of his mother, the world’s greatest psychotherapist. He has, apparently, helped the disturbed minds of countless global glitterati who have flocked to his consulting rooms in his Granpa’s shed just off the Long Rock Industrial Estate.
A session with him reminds all classical scholars of the celebrated partnership between Plato and Socrates, for Professor Pengelly is always in the company of his adviser, Dan Jago.
Pictured here are, on the right, Professor Pengelly himself, and, on the left, his constant companion since the age of 15, the redoubtable Dan Jago.
Although they have animated conversations with one another, it is only ever Dan Jago who now speaks to third parties, including Professor Pengelly’s mother, Sandra (58).
Thus it was that our interview with the young genius was conducted entirely through the medium of Dan Jago, who had been given a good wash by Mrs Pengelly prior to our visit.
We asked whether Professor Pengelly was prepared to name any of the famous folk he is said, by his mother, to have helped. Dan Jago became very animated at this point and rounded on us declaring “We are neither able nor willing to breach patient confidentiality”.
Roundup reporters are nothing if not dogged and the reporter assigned to undertake this interview, Pender “Ferret” Treglown, was not prepared to be so easily discouraged. Negotiations commenced immediately and rapidly advanced to a point whereby Pengelly, according to Jago, was prepared, for a sum no less than £1.49 and no more than £1.51, to spill the beans on his two latest clients.
Neither of these two clients is in the category of international glitterati. In fact, they are both local girls. However, they have agreed, only after the offer of suitably attractive financial inducements, to give their accounts of psychotherapy with “Dan and Mad”.
Elspeth Behenna (21), of Kenidjack describes herself as a freelance corpse dresser. It is a lonely job, travelling from morgue to morgue, cleaning up the recently deceased to look their best for their beloved.
It is perhaps the solitary nature of her professional life that allowed her to slip into the aberration, which became her undoing, of eating (after frying in olive oil!) the left buttock of each of her clients. When she confessed this on a visit to Father Christmas at the R C Oates Superstore, it was his shocked reaction and refusal to give her a present that made her realise that something was wrong. She then approached “Dan and Mad” for help.
She stated that it was only a matter of seconds until Dan fully commanded her attention and until she was no longer conscious of the fact that Mad’s right hand disappeared into the sock that was Dan. She reported that every time that Dan spoke in his high-pitched squeaky voice with a pronounced Camborne accent, Mad’s left hand was covering his (Mad's) mouth.
With artful verbal proddings, Elspeth was soon made to feel the error of her ways and she is now over her little aberration. As she says herself “I do’n eat bum no more!!”
The next patient, Rosie Trembath (24) of Landewednack presented more of a challenge, as became apparent during the first of their 42 (so far) consultations.
Rosie, a self-employed market gardener, has, since the age of 14, had an itch problem ‘down below’, which can only be relieved by vigorous couplings. The frequency with which such relief had to be sought was beginning to get in the way of her day job and she realised that she had a problem. Thus she had recourse to “Dan and Mad”.
Professor Pengelly’s usual manner of procedure was interrupted right from the first consultation, when Rosie began to outline the nature of her complaint. The professor’s left hand slipped from his mouth and moved to his trouser pocket. Rosie then became the first patient to witness the professor’s mouth moving as Dan spoke, but she was distracted from this obvious observation by the strange, but mesmerisingly rhythmic movements in Professor Pengelly’s trousers as she told her tale.
Enervated by the whole experience, Rosie felt no further itches as long as she kept her regular appointments with the Professor, which she continues to do to this day.
Thus we have but two accounts of therapy with this unusual man. However, a reliable source , Mrs ‘Ollis, who does cleaning at nearby Morrisons, has seen several celebrities slipping in and out of the hut, including the Chancellor of Germany, Frau Merkel, His Holiness the Pope, Presidents Bush and Sarkozy, Mrs Cherie Blair and Basil Brush. We will be watching!
PROFESSOR MADRON PENGELLY, PSYCHOTHERAPIST
JAN KNUCKEY BANNED BY FACEBOOK!
Jan "Big Boots" Knuckey, the legendary Cornish miner and wrassler, has been banned by Facebook. On returning to the UK after visiting Celtic cousins in Brittany, Jan found that he was no longer able to log in to Facebook, because his user ID had been revoked.
Jan Knuckey, by Damien Hirst (reproduced by permission of MOMA, NY)
The reasons for Jan's ban are unclear. It seems likely that someone objected to one of his posts, but he is none the wiser because Facebook won't divulge any information -- neither (perhaps understandably) the identity of the objector, nor even the post that was objected to. No warning was given.
Jan has long been a friend of the Roundup, and we suspect that his offending post might have been one that pointed to one of our complimentary articles about English Heritage.
Be warned: apparently anyone can be banned by Facebook, without warning or explanation, if one nameless person complains. This system seems to us to be akin to the "bocca di leone" ("lion's mouth") letter box provided by the government of medieval Venice, so that its citizens could secretly denounce one another.
However, the Knuckeys are made of stern stuff, and will not be browbeaten in this way. Already, Jan's sister Janis has taken up the cudgels on his behalf, and has set up her own Facebook account.
ULTRA MODERN KITCHENS – FROM RELUBBUS
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These kitchens – and super appliances - will be the envy of all your friends, and are brought to you by by Relubbus Kitchens, a wholly-owned subsidiary of R C Oates Enterprises Ltd.
Take a peek!
This roomy 5ft 6 in by 6ft (!) super kitchen has a door opening out onto the very latest in kitchen appliances, the combined washer-ringer. It could all be yours – for just £21,300 (plus fitting and VAT).
All of the fitments are nearly new and have been especially cleaned so that they will sparkle at you - and at your friends.
Please note that to have the door painted to the standard shown in this photograph will naturally cost an additional £195.99.
Or, if you really want to see what envy looks like – up close on the faces of your friends – then knock them out with this futuristic kitchen, which can be yours for as little as £42,595 (plus fitting and VAT).
If you also take the optional built-on lean-to toilet, it will cost, of course, a further £6,500 (and an additional £1,500 if you want the toilet plumbed in). The flooring is manufactured from pure 100% plastic "Treneere" lino, while all of the kitchen furniture has been pieced together – lovingly, by hand, from materials occurring naturally in Cornwall*).
But maybe your requirements are more modest. You could be perfectly happy with your current kitchen, and just need the perfect appliance to "set everything off".
Relubbus Kitchens can help you with this as well!
Kitchen storage couldn’t be easier with our (almost) brand new kitchen storage cabinet. Each one is cleaned up especially for you before delivery and care is taken to remove almost every trace of the previous owner’s dirt, rat poison, or food choices. It is our proud boast that only two people have died in the last year from poisoning contracted from the use of our cabinets. The pictured cabinet could be yours for as little as £1,978.99 (plus delivery and VAT).
Alternatively, you might want (and who can blame you?!) to make your friends jealous with the sight of this "must have" cooker. Is it a gas cooker? Is it an electric cooker? No, all of that is old hat! It is the very latest in environmentally-friendly cow pat cooking: all you have got to do is find the cow pats!
You may well be tempted by what you have seen, but may not be sure you can afford our reasonable prices. Have no fear!! Finance is available – at a very reasonable cost – from Moshe Trelowarren-Finkovitch Already Yet Still Limited of Sancreed. Loans for up to one year at a daily compound interest rate of only 42%!!
RELUBBUS ROUNDUP CLASSIFIEDS
Men seeking women
Old fart, 82 but not yet dead, seeks stunning blonde between 25 and 29, who will lavish love upon me. Must be solvent, as I aren’t. Tel 0905 446 4612
Young chapelgoer (32) seeks partner of whom mother would approve. Must be of child-bearing years, clean driving licence and no diseases. Tel 0905 449 7632
Sparkling, articulate, overweight male (45), own teeth and own van. Married but seeks discreet female partners for playing away. Tel 0905 662 8712
Women seeking men
Early 50s female only slightly deaf, bubbly attractive petite (3ft 2 ins tall), but sonorously flatulent seeks kind-hearted man with own car and similar affliction. Likes pub evenings, bingo and crosswords. Tel 0905 884 4523
Ludgvan female accountant (43) emerging from nasty divorce seeks fun-loving plumber with fondness for woodland animals. No sex, please! Tel 0905 728 1183
Other people seeking other people
Derek is 52, single, and lives in Mevagissey. A milkman all his life and very keen on darts (which he plays every night), he is excited by the thought of barbed wire and bondage and would like to meet similar men to share interests and maybe more. Tel 0905 674 3283
Single badger (27) looking for mate and not too particular! Tel 0905 693 4528
FOR SALE
Box 3 Petrol-powered automatic toothbrush for sale with litre of petrol £9.50
Box 4 Gent’s pink and green latex speedo – 56” waist £7.50
Box 7 Home-made (from bean tins), but very effective nose drop collector (to save on tissues!) £41.20
Box 11 Ladies cast iron knickers – generous size 20. Owner grown out of them £14.76
Box 32 Almost complete set of teeth – one careful owner, now dead – suit large mouth £78.99
Box 42 Attractive set of ladies’ earrings in blue plastic, with one ear still attached. £9.99
Box 31 Breeding Pair of ‘Sancreed Blue’ fighting rats with year’s supply of food £450
Box 20 Lean-to toilet hut in need of total renovation £1.95
Box 67 One-wheeled motor cycle, with side car for extra stability (and free umbrella for passenger!) vastly reduced, as no motor. £14
NEW SUPERHERO FOR RELUBBUS!
As far as Superheroes go, you may have heard of Batman and Gotham City, but have you heard of Relubbus and... "The Man with No Trousers"?
We present below (on far left) a partial snap of the reluctant hero -- who is known simply as 
The Man with No Trousers -- in a lucky photo taken on the Relubbus Underground, on the Central Line between the fashionable Boswedden Lane and Prospidnick Lane stops, by Agnes Tresidder (82), who commented merely, "I was takin’ my grandson's repaired camera 'ome on the Tube, when I suddenly saw The Man with No Trousers.
"I was sum shocked to see ov un and I must 'ave sumow pressed the button. Denzil, my grandson, told me I 'ad taken this 'ere picture."
Relubbus has been repeatedly astounded by reports of astonishing bravery and devilish and speedy skill on the part of an individual who moves quickly, very quickly indeed, but who wears no trousers. No one knows his name, but we print Mrs Tresidder's picture here in the fervent hope that someone -- maybe his mother -- will recognise the underpants the young man is wearing.
Mrs Tresidder added helpfully that, as he got off the train, she could observe pronounced "skid marks" on the reverse of the young hero's underpants, which might bring about a smile of knowing recognition on some proud mother's face. If the young hero can be found, a public honour to be presented by Council Leader Billy Spargo awaits him.
The young hero already has a string of acts of heroism to his name. Only last week, the Man with No Trousers appeared just in the nick of time to save Mrs 'Ollis' budgie from certain death in the jaws and paws of next door' s cat, Trewella.
The week before that he single-handedly neutralised 7 nuclear bombs that the People’s Republic of Hayle has recently imported from North Korea.
However, whilst many stories can be told about this latest of the Relubbus Legion of Superheroes, what news of the older established heroes such as 'Ooverman or Toiletwoman?
In a rare archive photograph, we proudly present here a picture of 'Ooverman in his very first 
act of derring do. Taken by an admiring amateur photographer, it shows 'Ooverman taking care of a spilt sherbet fountain in Marshall James' music store in Market Jew Street, Penzance, back in 1969.
Since then he and his hoover have been an ingredient of every natural disaster that has struck around the world. Bemused foreigners from Chernobyl to Bangladesh have been reassured by those comforting words delivered in a high-pitched West Cornish accent, "Orright, I'm 'ere neow, where can I plug it in?"
The fame of this superhero is shared by another Relubbus Superheroine, the so-called 
Toiletwoman. She has yet to perform a traditional "Superhero" act, but she has remained seated on the same toilet for 12 years, which is an accomplishment no one else has equalled.
We can report that she is still seated firmly on her toilet on the Gwavas Estate in Newlyn.
However, where might The Man with No Trousers be right now? Who can say… Have you seen him?
LILY LOOKALIKE SPOTTED IN MARAZION
The mystery lady who bears a remarkable resemblance to Lily Nichols, the con-artist and ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, has been sighted again, this time in Marazion. Previous sightings have been in Morrison's, the KWOP, and Lidl's in Penzance. She has also been seen loitering outside the flagship RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus.
This time, the mystery woman seemed to think that she had been invited to start the Trevaskis Challenge Round the World Raft Race (jointly sponsored by W.G. Trevaskis and English Heritage). Luckily, ace Roundup photographer "Snapper" Kelynack was in Marazion to cover the start of the race, and took the picture on the left.
Meanwhile, Lily Nichols herself, who makes a very comfortable living out of convincing the English media that she is an aristocrat (the mythical Duchess of Cornwall) is said to be furious at the antics of the interloper, whom she sees as trying to cash in on her territory.
"'Oo duh she think she is?" Lily complained yesterday. "Lollopin' aroun' like a git muppet, askin' people "How do you do?" an' "What do you do?" in thet bleddy silly voice?!"
