By our special Chinese Sports Correspondent, Dung Xiao Fried Lice
Boswedden Lane is full of the talk of medal prospects, since one of the strongest ever Relubbus teams has been fielded in Peking (as Billy Spargo has ordered it to be named).
The strongest gold medal hope resides in Ned ‘Pasties ‘ Nudd (14) , who will be competing in the ‘Floating’ competition. The International Olympic Committee (IOC) admitted the Floating competition following a petition from the Small Nations of the World, who backed Relubbus to the hilt.
Competion rules are that one must have eaten 500 shop pasties (Eddy’s, Rowe’s, Warren’s or Philp’s only are admissible (Ginsters are banned!)) in the previous 48 hours, before one attempts to float for four hours is a swimming pool. As Ned normally eats 300 pasties a day, he (firmly supported -- not literally, of course -- by his Mum) says that he should ‘walk it’. Just to make sure, the picture we show is of Ned in training – after 400 pasties a day.
The ever popular girls’ relay drinking team, shown here with their trainer, Tommy Tregarthen after a heavy session at the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, have stepped up their drinking to ensure victory in the Women's 18-24 Piss-Up Competition. The rules are simple – ‘down’ the most in rapid succession and stay standing – for, at least, 30 minutes. These dedicated young women – all from Tremethick Cross Young Women’s Drinking Club are, from the left, Lavinia Angove (21), Aggie Lanyon (23), Letitia ‘Scrubber’ Liddicoat (22) and Poppy Cock (19) . These young women carry Relubbus’s hopes for a second gold.
Relubbus also has great hopes on the track. Brenda Opie (84) is our big gold medal hope in the Over Eighties Incontinence 50 Mile Sprint. Brenda is shown here in the midst of her gruelling training for the race. It is not just a question of keeping going in a gruelling 50 mile sprint race. It is also a matter of keeping up a constant detectable fine spray during the whole proceedings. Brenda is the girl for this task.
Brenda’s chances in this competition have been nothing if not strengthened by her reputed association with Chinese President, Hu Jintao, (37) who is apparently ‘hopressry in rove’ with her. Hu confided to friends on the Central Committee “Wat dat girl can do wiv cigar is no one’s business!!”.
Relubbus’ medal hopes do not end there. Silver or bronze hopes are realistic prospects for Dougie Ladner in the 1950s Milk Drinking Competition. This calls for the ability to drink glasses of milk “in a style consistent with the manner, practice, dress and decorum of the 1950s”. Dougie is held to be a natural for this, as he is a freeze-dried 1950s person.
Another hot contender for a medal is the St Ives milkman, Dick Rosewarne (45), in the Llama Impersonation Competition. Dick is so good at this that even his wife and mother (absolutely NOT the same person, despite the fact that they have never been seen together) are unable to detect him in a herd of llamas when he is ‘doing his impersonation’.
Yet another Relubbus medals hope is to be found in the new ‘Unusual Foods Consumption’ competition, where Pascoe Polkinghorne (29) of Gurnards Head is believd to have a strong chance. He has been in the Far East engaged on an extended training programme, centred on eating rat (as shown in the attached photo).
The last Relubbus medals hope is to be found in the recently introduced “Name That Sex” competition. Contestants are merely required to confuse the judges as to their gender, during interview AND subsequent physical examination. The Relubbus entrant, Chris Pender (32) of Buryas Bridge, has managed to confound and confuse his/her own mother (Nigel) for the past 25 years and Nigel says that Chris should definitely get a medal, if not the gold. The excitement can hardly be contained.
Let us wait to see where Relubbus appears on the medals table!!!
RELUBBUS OLYMPIC TEAM UP FOR MEDALS!!
PROTEST AT OLYMPIC OPENING CEREMONY
By Sports Correspondent Rendell Janner
Chinese Olympic officials were incensed today after their much-vaunted security system was breached by protesters for the third time in as many days. And this time, to their huge embarrassment, the protest took place at the Olympic opening ceremony itself, while the eyes of the world were turned on Beijing!
This time, the protesters were three members of the Perranaworthal Rock Interface Climbing and Caving Club (PRICCC). While leader Jez Trebilcock and his girlfriend "Bosoms" Bodinnar staged a diversionary sit-down protest on the forecourt of the "Bird's Nest" stadium, accomplice Buzz "The Fly" Jago swiftly scaled one of the huge street lights just outside the stadium.
Once aloft, "The Fly" unfurled a banner, which read: "ONE WORLD, ONE DREAM, FREE KERNOW". The first two phrases are the Olympic motto. The third is a reference to the struggle of the Cornish people to free themselves from the oppressive yoke of the English state.
As soon as the banner was unfurled, it was noticed by the crowd inside the stadium, creating great excitement. Soon attention had shifted from the Opening Ceremony to the lone protester.
While aloft, Buzz Jago gave an interview to a Canadian journalist which was broadcast around the world. In it, he said:
"The situation in Kernow is remarkably similar to that in Tibet. The distinctive cultures of both countries are being deliberately suppressed by a powerful neighbour. (If you doubt this in regard to Kernow, look no further than the actions of English Heritage.)
"In both Kernow and Tibet, the indigenous population is being turned into an underclass by means of state policies that encourage mass immigration and economic dependency."
Before being led away by Chinese security men, Mr Jago promised that more pro-freedom demonstrations, from both Kernewek and Tibetan activists, would follow.
PROFESSOR MADRON PENGELLY, PSYCHOTHERAPIST
CELEBRITY NEWS
Professor Madron Pengelly (29) is, in the opinion of his mother, the world’s greatest psychotherapist. He has, apparently, helped the disturbed minds of countless global glitterati who have flocked to his consulting rooms in his Granpa’s shed just off the Long Rock Industrial Estate.
A session with him reminds all classical scholars of the celebrated partnership between Plato and Socrates, for Professor Pengelly is always in the company of his adviser, Dan Jago.
Pictured here are, on the right, Professor Pengelly himself, and, on the left, his constant companion since the age of 15, the redoubtable Dan Jago.
Although they have animated conversations with one another, it is only ever Dan Jago who now speaks to third parties, including Professor Pengelly’s mother, Sandra (58).
Thus it was that our interview with the young genius was conducted entirely through the medium of Dan Jago, who had been given a good wash by Mrs Pengelly prior to our visit.
We asked whether Professor Pengelly was prepared to name any of the famous folk he is said, by his mother, to have helped. Dan Jago became very animated at this point and rounded on us declaring “We are neither able nor willing to breach patient confidentiality”.
Roundup reporters are nothing if not dogged and the reporter assigned to undertake this interview, Pender “Ferret” Treglown, was not prepared to be so easily discouraged. Negotiations commenced immediately and rapidly advanced to a point whereby Pengelly, according to Jago, was prepared, for a sum no less than £1.49 and no more than £1.51, to spill the beans on his two latest clients.
Neither of these two clients is in the category of international glitterati. In fact, they are both local girls. However, they have agreed, only after the offer of suitably attractive financial inducements, to give their accounts of psychotherapy with “Dan and Mad”.
Elspeth Behenna (21), of Kenidjack describes herself as a freelance corpse dresser. It is a lonely job, travelling from morgue to morgue, cleaning up the recently deceased to look their best for their beloved.
It is perhaps the solitary nature of her professional life that allowed her to slip into the aberration, which became her undoing, of eating (after frying in olive oil!) the left buttock of each of her clients. When she confessed this on a visit to Father Christmas at the R C Oates Superstore, it was his shocked reaction and refusal to give her a present that made her realise that something was wrong. She then approached “Dan and Mad” for help.
She stated that it was only a matter of seconds until Dan fully commanded her attention and until she was no longer conscious of the fact that Mad’s right hand disappeared into the sock that was Dan. She reported that every time that Dan spoke in his high-pitched squeaky voice with a pronounced Camborne accent, Mad’s left hand was covering his (Mad's) mouth.
With artful verbal proddings, Elspeth was soon made to feel the error of her ways and she is now over her little aberration. As she says herself “I do’n eat bum no more!!”
The next patient, Rosie Trembath (24) of Landewednack presented more of a challenge, as became apparent during the first of their 42 (so far) consultations.
Rosie, a self-employed market gardener, has, since the age of 14, had an itch problem ‘down below’, which can only be relieved by vigorous couplings. The frequency with which such relief had to be sought was beginning to get in the way of her day job and she realised that she had a problem. Thus she had recourse to “Dan and Mad”.
Professor Pengelly’s usual manner of procedure was interrupted right from the first consultation, when Rosie began to outline the nature of her complaint. The professor’s left hand slipped from his mouth and moved to his trouser pocket. Rosie then became the first patient to witness the professor’s mouth moving as Dan spoke, but she was distracted from this obvious observation by the strange, but mesmerisingly rhythmic movements in Professor Pengelly’s trousers as she told her tale.
Enervated by the whole experience, Rosie felt no further itches as long as she kept her regular appointments with the Professor, which she continues to do to this day.
Thus we have but two accounts of therapy with this unusual man. However, a reliable source , Mrs ‘Ollis, who does cleaning at nearby Morrisons, has seen several celebrities slipping in and out of the hut, including the Chancellor of Germany, Frau Merkel, His Holiness the Pope, Presidents Bush and Sarkozy, Mrs Cherie Blair and Basil Brush. We will be watching!
JAN KNUCKEY BANNED BY FACEBOOK!
Jan "Big Boots" Knuckey, the legendary Cornish miner and wrassler, has been banned by Facebook. On returning to the UK after visiting Celtic cousins in Brittany, Jan found that he was no longer able to log in to Facebook, because his user ID had been revoked.
Jan Knuckey, by Damien Hirst (reproduced by permission of MOMA, NY)
The reasons for Jan's ban are unclear. It seems likely that someone objected to one of his posts, but he is none the wiser because Facebook won't divulge any information -- neither (perhaps understandably) the identity of the objector, nor even the post that was objected to. No warning was given.
Jan has long been a friend of the Roundup, and we suspect that his offending post might have been one that pointed to one of our complimentary articles about English Heritage.
Be warned: apparently anyone can be banned by Facebook, without warning or explanation, if one nameless person complains. This system seems to us to be akin to the "bocca di leone" ("lion's mouth") letter box provided by the government of medieval Venice, so that its citizens could secretly denounce one another.
However, the Knuckeys are made of stern stuff, and will not be browbeaten in this way. Already, Jan's sister Janis has taken up the cudgels on his behalf, and has set up her own Facebook account.
ULTRA MODERN KITCHENS – FROM RELUBBUS
ADVERTISEMENT FEATURETTE
Dream no longer about the kitchen you would like to have!! It has arrived – from RELUBBUS KITCHENS!!
These kitchens – and super appliances - will be the envy of all your friends, and are brought to you by by Relubbus Kitchens, a wholly-owned subsidiary of R C Oates Enterprises Ltd.
Take a peek!
This roomy 5ft 6 in by 6ft (!) super kitchen has a door opening out onto the very latest in kitchen appliances, the combined washer-ringer. It could all be yours – for just £21,300 (plus fitting and VAT).
All of the fitments are nearly new and have been especially cleaned so that they will sparkle at you - and at your friends.
Please note that to have the door painted to the standard shown in this photograph will naturally cost an additional £195.99.
Or, if you really want to see what envy looks like – up close on the faces of your friends – then knock them out with this futuristic kitchen, which can be yours for as little as £42,595 (plus fitting and VAT).
If you also take the optional built-on lean-to toilet, it will cost, of course, a further £6,500 (and an additional £1,500 if you want the toilet plumbed in). The flooring is manufactured from pure 100% plastic "Treneere" lino, while all of the kitchen furniture has been pieced together – lovingly, by hand, from materials occurring naturally in Cornwall*).
But maybe your requirements are more modest. You could be perfectly happy with your current kitchen, and just need the perfect appliance to "set everything off".
Relubbus Kitchens can help you with this as well!
Kitchen storage couldn’t be easier with our (almost) brand new kitchen storage cabinet. Each one is cleaned up especially for you before delivery and care is taken to remove almost every trace of the previous owner’s dirt, rat poison, or food choices. It is our proud boast that only two people have died in the last year from poisoning contracted from the use of our cabinets. The pictured cabinet could be yours for as little as £1,978.99 (plus delivery and VAT).
Alternatively, you might want (and who can blame you?!) to make your friends jealous with the sight of this "must have" cooker. Is it a gas cooker? Is it an electric cooker? No, all of that is old hat! It is the very latest in environmentally-friendly cow pat cooking: all you have got to do is find the cow pats!
You may well be tempted by what you have seen, but may not be sure you can afford our reasonable prices. Have no fear!! Finance is available – at a very reasonable cost – from Moshe Trelowarren-Finkovitch Already Yet Still Limited of Sancreed. Loans for up to one year at a daily compound interest rate of only 42%!!
RELUBBUS ROUNDUP CLASSIFIEDS
Men seeking women
Old fart, 82 but not yet dead, seeks stunning blonde between 25 and 29, who will lavish love upon me. Must be solvent, as I aren’t. Tel 0905 446 4612
Young chapelgoer (32) seeks partner of whom mother would approve. Must be of child-bearing years, clean driving licence and no diseases. Tel 0905 449 7632
Sparkling, articulate, overweight male (45), own teeth and own van. Married but seeks discreet female partners for playing away. Tel 0905 662 8712
Women seeking men
Early 50s female only slightly deaf, bubbly attractive petite (3ft 2 ins tall), but sonorously flatulent seeks kind-hearted man with own car and similar affliction. Likes pub evenings, bingo and crosswords. Tel 0905 884 4523
Ludgvan female accountant (43) emerging from nasty divorce seeks fun-loving plumber with fondness for woodland animals. No sex, please! Tel 0905 728 1183
Other people seeking other people
Derek is 52, single, and lives in Mevagissey. A milkman all his life and very keen on darts (which he plays every night), he is excited by the thought of barbed wire and bondage and would like to meet similar men to share interests and maybe more. Tel 0905 674 3283
Single badger (27) looking for mate and not too particular! Tel 0905 693 4528
FOR SALE
Box 3 Petrol-powered automatic toothbrush for sale with litre of petrol £9.50
Box 4 Gent’s pink and green latex speedo – 56” waist £7.50
Box 7 Home-made (from bean tins), but very effective nose drop collector (to save on tissues!) £41.20
Box 11 Ladies cast iron knickers – generous size 20. Owner grown out of them £14.76
Box 32 Almost complete set of teeth – one careful owner, now dead – suit large mouth £78.99
Box 42 Attractive set of ladies’ earrings in blue plastic, with one ear still attached. £9.99
Box 31 Breeding Pair of ‘Sancreed Blue’ fighting rats with year’s supply of food £450
Box 20 Lean-to toilet hut in need of total renovation £1.95
Box 67 One-wheeled motor cycle, with side car for extra stability (and free umbrella for passenger!) vastly reduced, as no motor. £14
