NEWS FLASH

KNEE-TREMBLAY NOT DEAD!

Capitaine Aristide Absinthe Knee-Tremblay, whose obituary we carried last week, is, in fact, not deceased. In a statement issued yesterday, M. Knee-Tremblay said, "Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I was merely resting."

The news will be greeted with rejoicing by Knee-Tremblay's many admirers on both sides of the Channel.

Arrangements for a state funeral in St Buryan, where M. Knee-Tremblay lives, have been put on hold -- at least temporarily, while it is established if a relapse is probable; and thus whether the 10,000 pasties obtained from Rowe's on a sale-or-return basis should be retained for another week, or returned immediately.

AN "ODEUR" IN SANCREED!!

A tingling frisson of excitement has been coursing through the culinary world as word has slipped out that the famed Sancreed-born chef, Archilaus “Odeur” Trudgeon (36) has opened a new venue called simply “Forest Shack” in which to present his latest novel creations.

Pictured here in his old kitchens at Camborne Bus Station where he is rustling up one of his signature innovative creations “Ffarm Ppancakes”, Archilaus has never failed to impress with his ‘out of nowhere’ originality.

A kitchen king utterly devoted to the use of the wholly ‘natural’ in his cooking, he has always strenuously denied simply collecting cow pancakes from farm fields. This is a cheap charge laid at his door by bitter, twisted and jealous competitors of the likes of Oliver, Carlucci, Stein and Smith.

Fiercely proud of his use of what he fondly describes as ‘Nanature’s nunutricious babounty”, which he collects himself, this sensitive culinary craftsman has insisted on always making his own transformative additions to what he sees as the magical gifts of nature.

His ‘Ffarm Ppancakes’, or ‘FfPps’, as they have come to be known by devoted Trudgeon acolytes, who even seek to emulate his pronounciation, have been variously described as chocolatey, gingery, earthy, strong, punchy, chewy and grassy.

However, all devotees agree that it is delicious and well worth the - to a humble Roundup journalist - frankly surprisingly high prices.

Pancake à la Guernsey costs £73, while Pancake à la British White costs £125. Given the cover charge of £20, the service charge of the greater of 10% or £90, the compulsory corkage charge of £25 (whether one drinks or not), it is easy to see that popping in for a Trudgeon Ppancake can be a very expensive exercise.

Trudgeon dining is therefore a matter for the Relubbus elite, amongst whom table places are auctioned, so great is the demand. The rich and famous are now competing to obtain bookings at the exciting new venue.

‘Forest Shack’ is situated in the back garden of Trudgeon’s Sancreed home, not far from his compost heap. Relying, as it does, solely on natural light and ventilation, the new restaurant is the antithesis of the usual haunts of the rich and famous. Typically, Trudgeon has successfully striven, not simply for understatement, but for what he excitedly terms ‘anti-stastatement’.

Diners’ seating is a packing case and the ‘tables’, though now all spotlessly clean, have all seen service before as various parts of farm carts.

The recorded music of Percy Botheras (pictured left), the virtuoso triangle player, rings out from Trudgeon’s wind-up cassette player to help give the ‘Forest Shack’ its unmistakeable Trudgeon ambience.

However, the focus of excitement is rightly on the food. Whilst all the old favourites naturally remain on offer, impatient eyes devour the tantalising names and descriptions of all the new dishes.

Trudgeon will not permit disclosure of the details of any of the new creations – that is a pleasure reserved for paying guests. Further, he vehemently denies that the piles of KFC packing and Sainsbury’s Basic egg boxes at the back of the shack are anything to do with him.

However, some of the delighted diners did admit that they had started their meals with something that looked like a boiled egg, but which tasted excitingly different and every bit worth the £37.50 charged for the starter. Furthermore, the chicken dish – served with some sort of Bovril-flavoured ice cream and priced at £310 per portion – was described as “heavenly”.

The ‘Forest Shack’ has just three tables for four. It is already fully booked until Christmas 2011 with the usual auctions to get the prized bookings in the early months. So, if you start saving now, you too could be dining à la Trudgeon in 2012!!

OBITUARY

CAPITAINE ARISTIDE ABSINTHE KNEE-TREMBLAY
SOLDIER, EXPLORER, RACONTEUR, POET

Capitaine Aristide Absinthe Knee-Tremblay has died, at Tresoddit, his clifftop home in St Buryan, aged 116.

Knee-Tremblay was born in Bal-Trap, a tiny village to the south-west of Paris, on February 30th, 1838. In later years he always claimed to be the lovechild of Napoleon III, but local tradition insists that he was, in fact, the illegitimate son of the local priest and a particularly attractive but slatternly ewe named Genevieve.

As a young man, Knee-Tremblay acquired a reputation as a womaniser, duellist, and gambler. When challenged by the husbands and lovers of his conquests to "choose his weapon", he would invariably select the classical tarte à la crème, in the use of which he was an adept.

Knee-Tremblay published his first volume of verse, Premiers Oeuvres, at the tender age of thirty-eight. This juvenile work, though heavily influenced by Rimbaud and Baudelaire, was nonetheless warmly praised by Stéphane Mallarmé. In later years, Yeats described its influence on his own early work as "bollocks".

But it was in World War II that Knee-Tremblay came to the attention of the British. Following the fall of France, he rowed across the Channel in an open boat and joined De Gaulle's Free French forces in Accrington.

In 1944 Knee-Tremblay was seconded to the 1st Highland Foot and Mouth, in the capacity of French interpreter. It was his job to co-ordinate joint operations between the 1st Highland and the Maquis, after D Day. Unfortunately, Knee-Tremblay's grasp of Scots patois was not as great as his grasp of standard English, and he was apt to make mistakes. It was such a misunderstanding that led to the Maquis' courageous but ultimately doomed attack on the Tunnel of Love at the Lille funfair. Excusing the fiasco after the war, Knee-Tremblay was apt to say that, after all, it was only a sideshow.

After the war, Knee-Tremblay gave up soldiering to pursue his other great interest -- exploration. In five years he visited some of the most remote regions on earth, including the then largely unexplored Amazonian rainforest, central Mongolia, and West Penwith. In the latter region he is credited with being the first modern European to traverse the ancient coastal track from Lamorna to Porthgwarra. The public acclaim that greeted this achievement convinced the Frenchman that he should make his home in Cornwall.

In his later years Knee-Tremblay became a familiar figure in West Cornwall, where he was known affectionately as "that Froggie geezer".

Knee-Tremblay leaves a wife, Mathilde Clothilde, and a son, Absinthe Jnr.

SMALL ADS AND LOCAL BUSINESS CLASSIFIEDS

SMALL ADS

Home-made breast milk pump, in polished walnut finish, adjustable to fit like a glove – mains powered, but works well off car battery when out and about. At just £79.99 this is a bargain for such workmanship. Box 4567

Four East German electric plugs – just 17 pence each!! Box 5821

Size 24 basque in plastique and leatherette with Leopard skin effect. Buy this for her and watch her become a wild cat!! Just £35. Box 5209

Breeding pair of fighting budgies (“Budge and Smudge”) from Pendeen. This pair has produced a long line of champions in the West Penwith Killer Budgie competition. Old age and ill health oblige owner to reluctantly part with these two – for bargain price of just £12,500. Box 6721

Consignment of 600 Rumanian toothbrushes made with real hedgehog prickles. This is a truly unusual and, in Cornwall, unique acquisition possibility. £10 the lot. Box 4598

Three gent’s trouser belts in brown leather to suit waist size 58”. Buckle gone on two of them so all three available at special reduced price of only £14.50. Box 6923

Mahogony spittoon – never been emptied - an adornment for any home. £7.50. Box 2397

Cigarette (and cigar) butts thrown away by the stars and the famous. Unique collection lovingly gathered over the years by avid collector (my uncle – now deceased). Collection includes exhibits from Churchill, the Queen, Adolf Hitler, Caesar Augustus, Marilyn Monroe, Chiang Kai Shek, Dave Allen, King Henry VII, William the Conqueror and Sooty. £23,000. Box 4571

Fifteenth Century Television set. Looks very old and an adornment and talking point for any home. £2,300. Box 4923

Ladies never be caught short again! Special ‘weak bladder’ ladies’ handbag. Home-made for my wife. Now she is sadly gone and some other lady with wetting problems can benefit. Willy P. Box 6109


LOCAL BUSINESS CLASSIFIEDS

Pendrewartha’s for swimming pool maintenance, cesspool emptying and septic tank clearance. Don’t worry, we do change the hoses according to the job we are doing!!!
Tel Nancledra 459873

PC problems? We can help you out. Fast and friendly service with no call out charge. Just call Nigel and Kevin at the Mousehole Nude PC surgery. £29 per hour. 15% discount for nudists. Tel Mousehole 567832.

Say Goodbye to Accounting headaches! Call Narcus Prig at Newlyn Abacus and SlideRule and “we’ll turn they losses into profits!” £400 per hour. Tel Newlyn 459285

Trendy Wendy the trouser specialist. “ I’ll take them in, let them down and patch them up!” My ‘While you wait’ service is famous throughout St Just, particularly with the over eighties. Now offering exclusive washing and pressing service whilst you are wearing the clothes!! Tel St Just 509345

Pssst! Can you smell ‘Old people’? If you have old people living with you, then relax, because they don’t need to smell. Just send them to ‘Clemo’s Caustic Washing’ and they’ll never smell bad again. Same process available for use in ‘final preparation’ at any good undertaker’s. Tel Tremethick Cross 927574

Does you wife talk too much? Is life just a nag, nag, nag? Just buy Qwenty Penhaligon’s Hypnosis kit for £25 and you can stop her talking – whenever you like. Just one of the bargains available at Hendra’s Home Improvements Tel Penzance 673412

Never buy a carpet again! Jimmy Jago ‘the Tarmac man' will tarmac the inside of your home. Standard large (11ft by 6ft) front room only £500. This is a one-off cost as you will never need buy a carpet again!! Using special ‘blast-on’ technique, I can also cover your walls and ceilings, so you need never paint again!! Tel Heamoor 582301

Ladies! Relax in the unusual comfort of wicker basket ware lingerie – made and fitted for you by master Wicker-Weaver Madron Trembath. Tel Nanjizel 678423

False teeth handcrafted for you from Balsa wood – be the envy of all your friends! Available in waxed, lacquered or ‘natural’ finish. From Andrewartha’s 'Ardware Tel Botallack 657234

IT COULD ONLY HAPPEN IN RELUBBUS!!

The Roundup today breaks the story of the very first human being to change from a man – into a woman – and then back to a man again!!

This is the fantastic, but true, story of one Chris Bolitho – he/she kept the same name throughout the transformations so as not to inconvenience Chris’s employers, “Dust to Dust” the Nancledra-based vacuum-packing “no smells” undertakers.

Born in Tregeseal, near metropolitan St Just in the early 1950s, Chris was a normal schoolboy with an abnormal requirement and capacity for smoking cigarettes. At just 13 years of age, he was getting through 3 packs of PLAYERS Weights a day.

After some four years, when Chris had just started work as a ‘washer’ at the above-named firm of undertakers, his mother realised that this heavy smoking was not normal behaviour and took him to see the GP, Dr Behenna, to seek medical guidance.

Dr Behenna (112) had long been a man seeking to ‘explore his feminine side ‘ and he had discovered, in a kitchen accident, that inhaling Maggie Fountain’s old Mediterranean Pancake mixture had greatly helped him enhance his feminine side. He had also noticed that his appetite for smoking had completely disappeared after just three weeks of taking the mixture once every two days.

He therefore had no hesitation in recommending that young Chris start taking the same mixture – three times a day until further notice - to put an end to the smoking habit.

However, since Dr Behenna was fatally hit by the Marazion bus only the following day, there was no ‘further notice’ and consequently no halt to the thrice daily ingestion of the magic mixture.

After just three months, Chris was a confirmed non-smoker. However, the treatment had brought about only a partial success, because he had also completely changed sex – without any surgical intervention whatever. Male Chris had become female Chris – as pictured left.

Pronounced character and personality changes accompanied this astounding sex change.

The young male Chris was a retiring young man, who was content with his own company, who adored his Hornby train set and for whom relaxation meant retiring to his room with a good stock of cigarettes and just playing with himself.

The new female Chris was foul-mouthed, flatulent and ‘liked men’ – a lot. After a bewildering amount of alcohol, some of them even liked her. She soon acquired the name of the ‘Tregeseal Bike’. She had three children in rapid succession and also took up heavy drinking as a hobby.

After the third child, the drinking had become so bad that her mother carted her off to see the new GP, Dr Penhallow. Given the nature of Chris’s problem, Dr Penhallow was just the right person to see.

Dr Loveday Penhallow (39) had long fought with the demon drink. After trying the orthodox and the unorthodox, she had eventually had some success with Will Trembath’s Particular Elixir. Taken ONLY twice a month, it had completely eradicated Dr Penhallow’s unfortunate reliance on drink. Unfortunately, it had also caused the doctor to grow a willy as well.

However such was the astonishing success with eradication of reliance on alcohol that the doctor had no hesitation in recommending the Particular Elixir to Chris.

Chris was too drunk to hear what the doctor was saying. Sadly the batteries in Chris’s mum’s hearing aid were gone and so she completely misunderstood the doctor’s instructions, understanding “take the potion 5 times a day”, instead of 5 times a month.

Within a month, all of Chris’s feminine bits had simply disappeared – to be replaced by a willy again. Unfortunately the trauma of all the changes caused Chris to suffer from anxiety and he found that he could only escape form it by smoking PLAYERS Weights.

Chris (shown here in a recent picture) died last week from lung cancer. In his will, he asked that the Roundup publish his remarkable story.

We do so today - with pride at being selected to release this world-first unique story.

SWINE FLU NO PROBLEM FOR THE PROPER CORNISH!!

Professor Monty Tremeglos has developed a geographically-specific solution to the swine flu pandemic, which means that the good people of Relubbus can heave a sigh of relief as the rest of the world mutely bows its head to this potent variant of the annual killer.

In a revolutionary development, Tremeglos has pioneered a vaccine, drawn from a combination of substances found all over Cornwall, which will completely neutralise pandemic H1N1.

However, it is also true that the vaccine will only work within a specific geographical area – as illustrated in RED on the left . Whilst the vaccine will be found to be particularly efficacious in Greater Relubbus, Professor Tremeglos believes that it will be ‘strong enough’ all the way up as far as the Tamar. On the other side of the Tamar – in fact just over the other side of the bridge – it will sadly have few, if any, beneficial effects.

The ingredients of the vaccine are said to be distilled from mineral, animal and human elements from all over Cornwall. People walking along the lane past the Professor’s backhouse (or ‘outside toilet’ for those unfamiliar with the expression) have heard him intoning strange words in the manner of some obscure magical incantation: “Eye of toad and tongue of cat, tail of badger, nose of bat.”

However, the good Professor has refused to be drawn on the nature of any of the ingredients -- except to say that neither human nor animal was harmed in the production of the vaccine, apart from a bad scratch on the arm of one of his assistants, who had failed to properly anaesthetise a cat before milking it.

Another astounding fact about the workings of the vaccine that has emerged in trials, is that it will only have a beneficial effect on people who are born in Cornwall of Cornish parents and with wholly Cornish grandparents on both sides.
Mr Archibald Lutey (31) (shown left) of Bramangath Avenue in Relubbus caught swine flu at the same time as his wife Tamsin (30).

When both caught swine flu, they volunteered to be part of Professor Tremeglos’s extensive testing programme. This produced astounding results.

In wholly-Cornish Mr Archibald Lutey’s case, a full recovery was made.

However, in the sad case of poor Mrs Lutey (pictured left before the illness - you will note that she and her husband shared the same dentist!) there was a different outcome.

Her grandmother had the misfortune to have been born across the border in Plymouth (“visiting my enty, who was took bad fer a few weeks”) and this has been shown to have had an enormous impact on her "Cornishness' and, consequently, on the efficacy of the vaccine in her case.

Whilst the worst ravages of the pandemic have been avoided so as to preserve her life, she has been left forever bearing the obvious scars of having had swine flu, as the picture on the left displays.

The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) and the Cornwall Council have combined forces so as to make Professor Tremeglos’s vaccine available to everyone in Cornwall, with the notable exception of those living in the dark depths of the People’s Republic of Hayle.

Meanwhile the rest of the world looks on enviously….and the Roundup will report further.