NEWS IN BRIEF

BBC TO BROADCAST ONLY IN CORNISH!!

Mr O.P. Opie (76) the jovial, but thrusting, Chairman of the Boskednan Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) has issued a surprise announcement that all future broadcasts of the BBC will be in Kernowek (Celtic Cornish) only.

This statement has caused concern around the globe, since many of the people who like to tune into the BBC to get an unbiased opinion of the news in and around Boskednan cannot attend Kernowek classes.

Mr Nissim Padha (79) a punkah wallah fom Bangalore is a  typical example of such a listener.

He explains, "This is totally not good for me at all, oh no!

Nearest Kernowek class is at City Lit in London, UK, which is 10 and a half hours on aeroplane. 

I am just punkah wallah and cannot be affording this fare.  This is most bad news. 

I am interested in goings-on in Boskednan, like many another peoples in world.  It helps me to pass time on punkah."

'Gladys', a representative of the Tawali People's Favourite Radio Club said, also spoke up, "There are many people throughout Papua New Guinea whose ears are glued to the radio when the BBC comes on. 

When we are listening, we are all dreaming that we are in Boskednan in glorious Kernow.  However, no one here can speak Kernowek.  We hear that the nearest place where we can learn Kernowek is in the City Lit in London , which is 31 hours from here using the Big Bird, which we cannot afford."

Complaints have also come from nearer to home.   

Mr Detritus Pascoe from Plymouth has also complained.

He says, "Darney, I'm only ovver 'ere in Plymouth, where I duh work on the bins. I kent speak no Cornish, altho I wuz born ovver Noolun.  What the bleddy 'ell they gotta put all they programmes out in Cornish fer?"

Such is the high feeling that some folk have talked of raising a petition to present before the Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) , Councillor Billy Spargo (113).

However, this avenue for a potential protest gesture has been firmly closed off by Mr Spargo's personal office.

A spokesman for Councillor Spargo has let it be known that Mr Spargo is now off on his summer holidays at Sennen Cove accompanied only by his resident nurse Jenefer Bolitho (23) (pictured left).

He is not to be disturbed at any cost.









RUCTIONS IN RUSSIA?

Firstly a big 'thank you' to a Mr V Putin for the holiday snap. 

Cornwall is the preferred holiday destination for many an international leader, but just what is one to make of the sudden appearance on the Penzance Promenade of the German Chancellor Angela Merkel separated only by the gleamingly smiling Archbishop Vikenty from the adoring presence of the Russian president, Dmitri Myedvyedyev.

According to Mr Putin, Angela and Dmitri are a having a 'Brest-Litovsk moment of Russo-German rapprochement', which Mr Putin, were he president, would not consider.

Mr Putin, who used to spy on people professionally with KGB notebook and pencil, also highly disapproves of the fact that Angela and Dmitri shared a room at the Queen's Hotel and came down to breakfast together.

Mr Putin, who is himself holidaying on the Tolroy Estate in Hayle, would not comment beyond this point.

A spokesperson for the Relubbus Russian Studies Institute at Prospidnick has opined that this string of embarrassing revelations could reflect a desire by Mr Putin to destabilise his successor and help pave the way back for his own return to the presidency.

ACCLAIMED AUTHOR PUBLISHES NEW WORK!!

Mr E.B. Daft (52) the much revered man of letters, who chooses to lead a reclusive life in the leafy confines of his Gwavas Estate home overlooking the stupendous Mounts Bay, has published a new work.

The new book speaks of his love for his most trusty and much treasured canine companion, Walter, and celebrates the animal's astounding gifts for public performance.

The book is suitable for for adults of all ages and, at just £52, is excellent value coming, as it does, with a FREE colouring-in set.

With a print run of just 500,000, Daft devotees are advised to rush to get their copy soon to avoid disappointment. 

Available at Oscar's Station Bookshop, Penzance and at all good book stores.

PASTY DECLARED WORLD HERITAGE FOOD!!

Yann Vari Quigeur (45) is the President of the new UN Commission on Global Gastronomic Culture, which is based in Tregunc, Breizh (Brittany).

Today he has announced that the first food to be declared deserving of World Food Heritage Status is the Cornish Pasty.

The decision was quickly reached after a panel of judges - convened by the President and drawn from the length and breadth of Cornwall and Brittany - sampled  a variety of signature dishes from around the globe.

Given the stiff competition for the prize of being chosen for this signal honour, reaction to this news has been, predictably, varied.

Mr Madron Tregonning (39) of the Relubbus Food Institute has welcomed the news, but said that it came as absolutely no surprise to him that the pasty has come out on top.

As he says, "That Jenny Mary might avva bittova girly nayem, but ee an' is boys 'ave done sum proper job 'ere. I kintellee - people are celebratin' from up St Just way pas' Truru right up tu thu border!"


Meanwhile, the 400-strong Chinese delegation was apoplectic with suffused anger.

Their leader, Mr Lapsang Souchong, declared indignantly, "What mean he, sirry man? Chinee cook tip top and velly qwick too!

"We offer squashed duck foot in 2000 year old monkey brain sauce wiv Shanghai flied lice and we get no look-in!  Issa stitch up!!"

The French delegation, led by Gustave Rambert, departed swiftly, without public word, in a thick cloud of haughty disdain.

In passing, Rambert (shown here in a library photo from happier days) sniffed indignantly, "Ze 'ole worl' know zat ze French cuisine is ze best on ze planet.  Zese Breton cochons, zey 'ave insulté la France viz zis negation of our cuisine.  I am not EPPY!"

Michael Fish, a weatherman from a different age  - said, "I just don't get it. Here I am in 1976 when getting the weather right tomorrow is hard enough.  Now someone is asking me about the fairness of the outcome of a contest of international cuisine in 2010.

"I've heard of long term forecasts, but this is ridiculous.  I'm a meat and two veg man meself!"

The only encouraging words came from the German delegation, Heinz and Magda Pupshose,a young happily-married couple from Furzheim.

Magda said, "Ve know zat we eppsolutely  no chance had, as ve our Wurst presented.  Vun can even say, zat Chermany not a sausage had! Ve too like Kornvall and ze vunderful pasty!"

The Roundup has decided to celebrate this achievement of the pasty by commissioning a special poem on the subject by the renowned and much loved and celebrated Cornish poet, Mr O.P. Opie (29). 


Mr Opie obligingly produced this paean to the pasty from the top of his head (after first removing his cap):


The Pasty

I duh dearly luv a pasty, when the weather's wet and cold,
When the wind is up and angry, jes' like them days of old,
You come back 'ome, yer ears are red, yer trousers bleddy wet
Tha's when a good 'ot pasty is the best thing you can get!

Tha's not tuh say 'ot weather dudden suit a pasty too
I's jes' as good tuh munch'n down onna beach under sky so blue
Youkun 'ear they seagulls callin', youkun ear'n flyin' roun'
But you'll be finishin' that pasty - no point their touchin' down!

Wassa bess, then Cappen? Shop-bought or 'ome-made?
Well, if you gotta assk the question, you ent never seen a table laid -
With maither's 'ome-made pasties - they are glories on a plate!
Delight to see, delight to eat - the bess you ever ate!

If you git up to 'eaven and croust time come aroun'
There'll be sum proper manna when they 'and the pasties down.
They'll be smellin' lovely and crimped by proper Cornish angels too
They're sum full of Cornish goodness and a proper job fer you!!

MADRON MENDICANT EXPOSED AS MILLIONNAIRE

For many years, Beelzebub Bennet (94) has been a well-known face around Madron.  His lurking presence has perfumed its busy streets with his distinctive odour for as long as many can remember and for, at least, some fifty years.

His cheery grin, unadorned by teeth, and outstretched hands, unrestrained by any misplaced sense of shame, have welcomed many a charitable coin over those years.

It was said by Our Lord that "The poor you will always have with you" and so it came to pass that Bennet's constant presence has been accepted by the god-fearing folk of Madron as some necessary part of the street furniture.

He seems to have an uncanny sense for what he terms 'a loose coin' and approaches people with all the confidence of a metal detector to prise that loose coin from its erstwhile owner.

The good people of madron have always assumed that he must live in the most reduced circumstances and could always be relied upon to 'spare a bob for Beelzebub'.

It has therefore come as a huge shock to them to learn that his steady begging income has turned him into one of the richest men in West Penwith.

Using a reporter's technique known professionally as 'tailing', one of the Roundup's temporary junior assistant deputy under-reporters followed Bennet home and discovered that the professional beggar has done so well out of the people of Madron that he has been able to build a castle for himself near St Erth.

This imposing residence, known as 'Dunbeggin', was built at huge cost, using specially imported stone from Sweden.  Locals know nothing of the owner except that he is a recluse, who is only ever visited by his shapely Private Banking Manager, Tamsin Pengelly, who comes down from Truro on her moped to see him once a month.

When our reporter tried to confront Bennet, he quickly scuttled into the deep recesses of his castle, displaying a breathtaking turn of speed.  That was two days ago, since when he has not been seen - either at his castle or in Madron.

Madron residents, Edna and Pammie Trembath, both qualified gas fitters and a happy civil partnership couple - shown here delighted to be pictured in their favourite magazine - told the Roundup, "Ee've taken we fera ride, ee ave, the lill bugger!  Stop anywhere ona pavement upere and for yuduh knawit, eezere withiz andout! Course yuduh smellun for yuduh see ovun.  Well I kintellee, ee've adthe las' coin ee's gunnget outah we!"

Edna and Pammie aren't the only disgruntled Madron residents to react in this way to the news.  In a quick telephone survey, the Roundup has established that only 94% of the Madron population would now be prepared to 'spare a bob for Beelzebub'.

The Roundup will report further.

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT

The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has today passed a law outlawing 'the passing of wind', which will be known as the 'No Farting Directive'.

The GRUC believes that everyone must 'do their bit' to cut down on the production of gases which contribute to the phenomenon known as Global Warming.

The Chief Scientist to the GRUC, Profesor Pol Pender (pictured), took air samples up and down Boswedden Lane last Saturday and found the levels of what he he terms 'fart gas' to be alarmingly high.

In part this can be explained by the fact that many people opt for a shop pasty when they are out shopping and the pastry in these is known to considerably increase the incidence of flatulence.

Professor Pender has calculated that, if the global population were to generate flatulence levels similar to those captured in Boswedden Lane, the global warming effect effect would cause a 20 metre rise in sea levels, which would put Newlyn Bridge under water.

In the interests of the people of Newlyn and elsewhere, a strict 'no farting' law is now to be applied. People are required - by law - to retain and reabsorb all and any gas.  Professor Pender insists that this retention practice is only 'likely to be fatal in less than 5% of cases'.

Equipped with special 'gas vision' glasses, the Relubbus constabulary will be able to impose spot fines of £10,000 - or amputation of a limb - on anyone breaking this new law.

Signs will be posted throughout Greater Relubbus.

PETS' CORNER

The good-natured readers of the Roundup have always responded well to the call from pets in need. We hope that this week's three little chaps will also win your affection and engage your willingness to help.

Good home wanted for cute l'il pup!

Playful pup, "Gnasher", is just three months old and is already having to look for a new home.

Sadly, his mum and dad had to be put down because they attacked and killed their owner and his family.   

Rodney Bolitho (55) of Colinsey Road, Penzance was the last of the six in his family to die, but even as he was being savaged  by Gnasher's mum and dad - with little Gnasher doing his level best to try to help them - Rodney, a dog-lover till the end, cried out to the the armed police coming, sadly far too late, to the rescue, "They din mean nuthin' by it - they're sum good dogs really!", before  his windpipe was ripped out in a speedy act of canine surgical precision.

Police quickly despatched the two older dogs in a hail of bullets, securing only minimal injuries to themselves before the bullets took full effect.  Gnasher was stunned by the sudden shooting of his parents, as well as by the maniacal clubbing administered to him to get him to release a policeman's leg.

Given his young age and in view of Mr Bolitho's dying recommendation, it was decidd to give young Gnasher a second chance.  A loving home is now sought for Gnasher in the West Penwith area.  Animal psychologists have - at some considerable and safe distance - determined that Gnasher might well benefit from being placed in a home with young children to help him develop.

If you are interested, just 'phone the Roundup, speak to Tamsin and ask for 'Gnasher'.

Good Cornish Home wanted!

Sukhbataar, a 14-year-old Mongolian golf-hamster, has a handicap of just 5.  

He likes a good full Cornish cooked breakfast to set him up for the day and, as this pciture show, is probably the only professional golfer to play in the nude.  

As he insists, "Come on, mate!  My body's covered in fur, who's going to notice?  Anyway, out on the the course, all the eyes will be on my playing and not on my body!"

Sukhbataar can earn between £150,000 and £200,000 a season and so probably doesn't deserve to be called a pet.  However, he is fed up living out of a proverbial suitcase in hotels and wants a good Cornish home with proper cooking.

Interested parties should know that he has - and will bring along - his own cage equipped with his favourite wheel and expansive run.

If you are interested, 'phone the Roundup, speak to Tamsin and ask for 'Sukhbataar'.

Looking for love?

Timothy (12 and neutered) is a (former) male of refined tastes currently living with a caring family in a caravan just outside Madron.  

In perfect health, except for a slightly weakened right eye, for which he wears an appropriately corrective eye-glass, Timothy does occasionally feel the urge for female companionship, despite the drastic surgery he underwent long ago.

Timothy is fond of freshly boiled fish, the warmth of an open fire and the sound of Bach piano concertos, which he finds particularly comforting whilst licking his arse.  

He would like to meet a discerning female (feline or human) who would share his interests and give him the benefit of any sexual doubt.

If you are interested, 'phone the Roundup, speak to Tamsin and ask for 'Timothy'.

SHOCK DISCOVERY CHANGES PICTURE OF KING ARTHUR FOR EVER!

Professor Wendy Lack-Bollock (56) is the former Nancledra singing nun and now highly acclaimed Relubbus International University Professor of Cornish History.

Professsor Lack-Bollock has sent tidal waves of controversy and excitement through the ranks of the academic world by lending her undoubtedly overwhelming personal prestige to the authenticity of a claim made by one Billy Pender (42) to have found the true and ancient sword of King Arthur in Dozmary Pool.

Pender is a man who has made a nearly steady living by rowing around, on Dozmary Pool, people who wish to catch a  glimpse of the hideous monster 'Dozey', which Pender himself first caught sight of some 25 years ago and which has never been seen again.

Pender, who fortunately had a camera on him at the time, was able to take a quick snap of the monster before it disappeared again into the shallow depths.

From the picture, it has been identified by some (Pender and his sister, Agnes) as being of the Cornish Morgawr variety.

However, the Cornish marine monster expert, Jack Coastow (97), has dismissed this as "utter bleddy codswallop".  He states that Dozmary is at no point deeper than 9 feet and that anyone would be hard put to hide any kind of monster in it, unless it were a monster tadpole.

Labouring against the relentless weight of rash and (according to Pender) ill-founded, but nonetheless damaging dismissals such as this for the past 25 years has restricted the appetite of emmets and other punters to stump up the necessary £45 per head for the 35 minute slow row around Dozmary Pool.

This has naturally put a severe strain on the earning capacity of Mr Pender who, together with his sister and a family goat, lives in an old and lovingly repaired two-man scout tent some half a mile from Dozmary Pool.

However, no one could contradict the claim of Dozmary Pool to have been the place where the legendary Arthur (shown here in typically camp pose) both received and returned his famed sword Excalibur (according to the post-Vulgate Merlin).

Accordingly, Mr Pender has now adjusted his roadside sign to appeal to lovers of Arthurian romance, advertising his boat tours to attract those who wish to experience the magic of the place where the mysterious lady of the lake took back the wondrous sword Excalibur.  This did dramatically increase Pender's weekly income by £90.

However, no one could have been more shocked than Pender himself, when he first caught a glimpse of the famed sword himself.

Says Mr Pender, "I wazouthere wun mornin' early like, avinabit geek fer Dozey, when I saw thisere glinta grey!"

He rowed out to the mysterious object, which seemed to float upon the water, willing him to approach and behold it.

He picked it up and was astounded at how small and light it was.  He was even more astounded to see that scratched on the hilt was the immortal claim, "Thissere duh blong tuh Boy Arthur - 'Ands off!"

He took his find to Professor Lack-Bollock, who, after careful study, made the following statement:

"This find transforms for ever our picture of the true Arthur and it also brings dramatic revelations about so-called Dark Age Britain.

"The sword is a little over 1 foot long.  It is a short sword and is made for a short person and we must now believe that Arthur himself was a little over 3 foot tall.  However, we should not be surprised that so much was achieved by a dwarf.  Shortarses have achieved much throughout history - remember that Napoleon was only 2 foot 11 inches tall.

"However, what many will find almost unbelievable is that the sword is made of lightweight grey plastic, which means that we must completely revise our understanding of Dark Age materials development and use. 

"Plastic is held to be an invention of modern times, but here is clear proof that plastic had been invented and used centuries before in Cornwall.

"There is a further surprising linguistic conundrum.  The inscription on the sword is in a seemingly bastardised form of modern English.  Yet Arthur himself clearly used this language.  The linguistic world has now been thrown into upheaval, as linguists struggle to work out what this could mean for our understanding of the development of European languages."

There is a further very faint inscription on the sword, which can barely be made out with the aid of a magnifying glass.  It reads "Knees, Penzance, Market Jew Street".  Experts are still trying desperately to decode this mysterious message.

The Roundup will report further.

POLITICAL COMPLICATIONS IN CORNWALL

On the borders of Relubbus all is not not well..  A dispute has broken out between the People's Repubic of Hayle and its breakaway religious  state, the Extreme Methodist (including Wesleyan, United, Primitive and Bible Christian) Fundamentalist State of Angarrack.

Hayle (Republyk Gwerynek Heyl) is, of course, a somewhat bleak Communist state ruled firmly, and indeed harshly, by Stalinist dictator Tregavarah Ventongimps. 

However, Ventongimps' mother, 102 year old Agnes (pictured here), is a devout Catholic and, for this reason, Hayle is tolerant of religion and has a thriving Church.

Thanks to her support, the Church often acts as a brave, but largely ignored, voice for broader freedom in the depressingly sombre and suffocating gloom of this Communist paragon.

Angarrack ("The rock" in Kernowek) is a Methodist Fundamentalist police state rigidly controlled by His Extreme Holiness Ayatollah 'Arry ben Jago, who is never without a microphone.  'Arry prides himself on having no more flexibility than a rock.

'Arry is much given to public executions and firmly believes that they serve the purpose of renewing public commitment to the state. In the quest to find victims for the monthly executions, offences as light as parking on a double yellow line can suffice to bring you to an early meeting with your Maker.

If your face doesn't fit, then that too will suffice.  It is a case of this sort that has captured the attention of Angarrack-watchers, who are scandalised by the routine barbarity meted out to the long-suffering inhabitants of this rogue state.

Lowda Gof is a 23-year-old mobile nail technician who was caught parking on a double yellow line.  On top of that she was pronounced a vampire and condemned to death next month.

Unfortunate-looking Lowda has, however, captured the hearts of many Angarrack-watchers.  In her own tearful words, she says, "I aren't no bleddy vampire. I ebbent drunk no blood nur nuthin ligat.  I jes got funny teeth.  I put my 'ands up - I done the double yellow, but I was bustin' to go toylit.  You duh knaw - one o they 'mergencies after a dicky curry las' night."

Her plight has attracted the sympathy and active support of the Bishop of Hayle Towans, the charismatic, but unconventional man who has won the powerful patronage  of Agnes Ventongimps.

The Bishop, Ludwig Katzenfurz (49) from Liechtenstein, believes that a camel is the appropriate form of transport in such a sandy place as Hayle Towans. 

Having acquired one at great expense from Morocco, he has now grown curiously - and some say romantically - attached to the beast, which he calls "Schatzi", which means 'darling' in German.

Bishop Katzenfurz, who speaks only German, said through his interpreter, "Zis girl has got a small problem viz her teece, vich only ze good attentions of a skilled dentist can help." 

He went on to say that the death penalty was an excessive punishment for parking on double yellow lines, when a simple public branding and whipping would have quite sufficed.

The support of Agnes Ventongimps for the Bishop has also brought the support of her son, Tregavarah, and thus the support also of the substantial, though antiquated, military apparatus of his Communist state.

Tregavarah has ordered up 10 divisions to the Hayle/Angarrack border in a threatening move calculated to force the leader of the much smaller Angarrack state to reconsider its execution policies.

Included in the military force is a camelcade of 120 clerics led by Biship Katzenfurz, who now views himself as some sort of romantic Lawrence of Arabia character.

The atmosphere is now one of extreme tension.  However, there is no danger that Relubbus itself will get drawn into any resulting conflict.

Speaking from the plush and spacious surroundings of his opulent caravan (with on-board flush toilet) parked at a secret location in Marazion for the summer break, Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) leader, Councillor Billy Spargo (116), said, "If they two wunna play silly buggers, tha's up to they.  I aren't gettin' involved!"

We will report further as the situation develops.