Issue 5, 18th June 2007

CAMILLA: SHOCKING REVELATIONS

Shown on the left is "Camilla" (not her real name), who has convinced large sections of the English media that she is an aristocrat -- namely, the "Duchess of Cornwall". While practising this deceit she is often seen in the company of a rangey, gormless-looking individual with a strange accent who claims to be the "Duke of Cornwall".

We put "Camilla"'s claims to famed Cornish historian, Dr. A.L. Prowse, who debunked them in typically forthright style:

"Her claims are patently false, since legally Cornwall has been a republic, with its own Parliament (latterly conveniently unrecognized by the English), since the Middle Ages. The last independent king of Cornwall was Hywel, in the 9th century A.D."

In fact, the Roundup can now reveal that "Camilla" is none other than Lily Nichols, a bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, who is well known throughout West Penwith. In former years, her stock-in-trade was to beg, tearfully, gullible-looking tourists in Penzance to "lend" her £2, so that she could catch the "Rapide" to visit a dangerously ill relative in Truro hospital. A couple of hours later, she could usually be seen staggering out of the First and Last, sometimes unaided.

Lily has clearly advanced in her chosen profession and the Roundup wishes her well. The downside to her success, as she candidly admitted to us, is that she can no longer work in her beloved Cornwall, where her preposterous claims would be ridiculed. However, as she says, "the pickings are richer over the border!"
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"I AM THE RE-INCARNATION OF HENRY VIII"!
Miss Tamazine Retallack (28), of Leskinnick Terrace, Penzance, is a quiet unassuming local girl, who has so far avoided publicity of any sort. A Sunday School teacher at Mount Street Methodist Church, she believes in a life of total abstinence.

Her only weaknesss is her fondness for fresh air, which she indulges by "air-surfing". Invented by herself, this consists of running around isolated beauty spots in the nude, "letting the air take me". In this possibly dangerous pursuit, she has been protected by her father, who stands guard and collects viewing charges from any gentlemen who happen on the scene by chance.

Last Monday, Miss Retallack shocked her employers by using a megaphone to announce to all patrons of the Library present at the time that she was, in fact, none other than the re-incarnation of King Henry VIII.

Miss Retallack is now being examined at the Barncoose Hospital for the irrevocably confused. Doctors tell us that Miss Retallack’s stay could be a long one.
MILLIONAIRE ROSUDGEON RECLUSE (62) SEEKS YOUNG WIFE FOR CHILDBEARING
Rosudgeon recluse, Jasper Behenna, has emerged into the light of day after withdrawing himself from society for the past 25 years. He has declared to the village his intention of finding a suitable young woman to marry so that the world will not be denied the chance of having living replicas of his ownestimable self.

Mr Behenna has lived with only his collection of goats for company for the past quarter century. Inevitably, he has become particularly attached to certain of his animals over the years and he has made it clear that his new wife -- whoever she may be - must accept the close bond he has forged with Henry, his ram.

Henry is an accomplished xylophone player and enjoys a glass of cider in the evenings when nestling down with Jasper. "I am sure that some young lady out there will appreciate an easy life of loving and giving with Henry and myself", says Jasper.

Roundup unmasks member of St Buryan Music Combo!
A perplexing cloak of mystery surrounds the new music combo that has taken West Penwith by storm in recent weeks, Their greatest moment was their performance last week before a packed crowd of 9 people at St John's Hall in Penzance. As they always appear in make-up and clown outfits, no one has a clue who they could be -- or didn't before the newshounds of the Roundup got on the case.

We can now reveal that the double bass player is none other than Larson Trevaskis, who, as reported in this paper, appeared before Bodmin magistrates last year on several counts of interfering with animals. Mr Trevaskis (45) of Chyangwens, Boswedden Lane, St Just, lost his job with the RSPCA as a result. Mr Trevaskis would not comment today on the Roundup’s unmasking of his new musical persona. Investigations continue as to the identity of the other players. Watch this space.
LOCAL DOCTOR IN SEX SCANDAL
The West Cornwall medical world was rocked by revelations made by a Ludgvan housewife, Mrs Everelda Fidock (57), about a leading Relubbas physician, Dr Jeremiah Tonkin.

Mother of 12 Mrs Fidock (left) attended Dr Tonkin’s surgery to seek his help following persistent attacks of flatulence over a period of 5 days.

"I tried everything myself to try and shift ‘un, but I jes couldn' stop fartin'. The las' straw was las' Sunday when I was up Chapel. The Minister asked we to pause fer silent reflection. It went on fer minutes and I felt a belter comin' on. I squeezed and shuffled, but couldn shut n off. Then out it came, like a blast from a git foghorn. I never bin so embarrassed, didn' know where to look. Everyone looked at me, so I felt I 'ad to say something and I said "I’m sorry about coughing so loud. I’m goin' straight up to Dr Tonkin’s tomorrow to sort n out."

Respected, but somewhat eccentric physician, Dr Tonkin (pictured on the left) has acquired a reputation for his sometimes unorthodox approach to diagnosis. In Mrs Fidock's case, Dr Tonkin insisted on cutting away the patient's clothing until she was entirely naked, as a prelude to various intimate examinations of several hours duration. Eventually, he was able to conclude that Mrs Fidock had a "gippy tummy", for which he prescribed aspirin accompanied by vigorous press-ups. Various other female patients of the Relubbus surgery have now come forward to make similar allegations of impropriety in respect of Dr Tonkin. The doctor has remained steadfastly quiet in the face of these rumblings of discontent. A co-opted member of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) , Dr Tonkin continues to enjoy the full support of the council, according to Councillor Billy Spargo.
POLICE NOTICE: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

Police are on the lookout for a hardened member of the West Penwith criminal community and ask the public to report him on sight. The man, pictured here on the left, is Jimmy "Boots bag" Dash. Wanted for eleven robbery attempts (all failed), the latest of which took place last Saturday at Spiegelhalter’s in Causewayhead, Penzance, Dash is believed to have slipped into the underworld of Crows an Wra.

LONELY HEARTS

Alfonso Trembath, 37, of Tremethick Cross, wishes to meet a young lady who will share his life of derring do. Alfonso believes that he is Zorro. However, now that the police have taken away his swords and have him under close 24-hour observation, they believe that he is relatively safe to remain in the community.

Pictured at home, wearing his favourite indoor hat and cloak and clutching the remains of a takeaway rat in a brown paper bag, Alfonso looks forward to his advert resulting in a string of intimacies with young ladies -- possibly and hopefully simultaneously. Hidden in the picture is Alfonso’s bedridden 78 year old mother, Bathsheba, whose head and upper body have been covered in an old carpet for the photo. Alfonso expects that the new lady of his life will also become a carer for his mother, thus relieving him of a burden to which his mental challenges render him unequal. Box 3067

Abdul al Islamiye al Qabar al Pendeen (48) is a lonely man. Living on the outskirts of Pendeen, Abdul cannot remember how he came to leave his native Saudi Arabia to live in Cornwall, where, for the past 30 years, he has lived most unhappily alone. Entirely content in his career as a bus conductor for Western National, where he specialised in the Penzance- St Just route, he finds that his non-professional life does not live up to expectations.

"I have no wife to share me, there is it no mosque in Pendeen, no Muslim social club. I spit on your pubs and loose women, who do not cover it up themselves. Cornwall is it soon to be all Muslim -- all women cover it. I close it all pubs, make all speak Arabic. I introduce it Sharia law throughout whole Pendeen and whole Cornwall. I make it all you suffer for it you laugh at me. [There is no box number for this ad as Abdul does not seek a woman from outside his community. He merely wishes to use these columns to make his feelings known. Ed]

Derick Penberthy (42) of Ludgvan is a farm labourer with a profound love of the natural world. Known locally as "frying pan", because of the frying pan he has clutched in his right hand since the age of 6, he is still able to complete all the jobs his employer tasks him with, using his left hand alone. Derick lives -- alone -- in a hedge on the Relubbus road and is looking for someone with whom he can share those tender moments that characterise the love between two people. Any women who see in Derick the challenge they have been waiting for are invited to write in to Box 3456.

Benjy Trewern (38) describes himself as "one o' they execeetive posh types, what duh earn lotsa money". Benjy lives in the Nanjizel home for the dangerously disturbed. He spends his busy days in the dissection of any living things that cross his path, with rats being a special treat. Benjy isn’t really allowed to associate with people outside the home without two male warders present. However, having now weaned himself off his obsession with Baby Spice, he is open to approaches from other women. Any young ladies with qualifications and experience in handling the dangerously disturbed and who believe that they can already see the light of a big potential love shining from Benjy’s eyes are asked to write to Box 5623.

Lucretia Bolitho (28) likes fun, fun and more fun. A happy-go-lucky waitress from the Newlyn Meadery, Lucretia was the All-Cornwall Tiddlywinks champion in 2005, and also holds a record for underwater ironing. She is sad that she has never had a boyfriend before ("someone to share some jokes and fun with!") and is now ready to rumba with the right man.

Lucretia is doing an Open University degree in Clowning and has lodged a patent on her own whoopee cushion invention, using her own captured wind. She is seeking a young man who will share her interests and make her laugh. Box 4981.

Violet Tregonning (54) is a solicitor from Copperhouse, Hayle. Violet has varied interests, ranging from Bible study classes, to singing in the chapel choir, to Sunday School mistress. She is a keen member of the Old Cornwall Society and collects money for the British Heart Foundation and the Liberal Club. She is also a lifelong member of the RSPB. Following the recent unfortunate passing away of her sister, Violet now lives alone. She would now like to explore sharing her life with a man.

She has a particular interest in finding out more about the Kama Sutra, which she believes to be an oriental exercise book and would also like to try breakdancing. Lovestruck Romeos are asked to write in to Box 6730.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• EXCLUSIVE: Bush and Putin to set up home in Relubbus!
  

• Sugar "hopping mad" as Relubbus TV steals his ratings

• Camilla loses it! How her true identity was almost revealed!
  

• Relubbus man's around-the-world balloon flight attempt

• Roy Orbison spotted in TESCO!

• Report on the Tibetan Embassy in Relubbus

• Explosive interview with Parmenus Jelbart, Chairman of the Tregeseal IAQS

• Vickery sacked by Relubbus RFC!
  

• "Your Stars", with guest astrologer Swami Bhindra Conumdrum

• Our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" column: find that special someone
  

• And much, much more!

Issue 4, 4th June 2007

EXCLUSIVE: BLAIR SEEKS TOP JOB AT GRUC!

As many political commentators have suspected, Tony Blair, after giving up the role of Prime Minister is now making his play for the big job -- as globe-trotting Foreign Relations Councillor for Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

The lucky job-holder is not only able to travel -- free -- all over Cornwall and sometimes outside, but also has the benefit of a fully-furnished council flat on Gwavas Estate, with a sea-view only 4 minutes walk away.

Blair’s wife, Cherie, has been seen in Andrewartha’s, Penzance, eyeing up furniture for the flat (paid for by the council). She has also been reported as applying for a job as an assistant solicitor at Harvey’s in Morrab Road. Furthermore, we are reliably informed that the Blairs’ older children have applied for part-time jobs in the area (at Morrisons and the Kwop); this in order to shore up Blair’s local credentials and thus improve his chances of getting the job, for which there is the stiffest local competition.

The bookies’ hot favourite is Jan Trevanion, a granite quarryman from New Mill. A very youthful and sprightly 112 years old, Mr Trevanion has been dutifully waiting for what is commonly viewed as one of the greatest sinecures in the gift of GRUC.

Pictured on the left looking quietly confident, Mr Trevanion tells the Roundup that he has nothing to fear from Blair. "Blair idn local, kent speak Cornish an 'ee abn’t got un ‘ope in ‘ell of taking my job. I was ‘ere first and I aren’t goin nowhere!"

Mr Trevanion’s cousin, Ezekiel, held the job for some twenty years before his untimely death last month at the age of 147. As many believe that you need Trevanion blood to do the job, there will be uproar locally if Blair gets it. The Roundup will be first with the news!

We’re watching you!

Lorry Botheras, "Fats" Hocking and Violet Tregonning (disguised) are expert sleuths employed by the Roundup to sniff out stories.

So whether you’re nattering on the St Just bus, having a bit of chat over the fence, or musing to yourself in the House of Office, just remember we’re on the case.

The Roundup never sleeps -- never misses!

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE

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GAY RIGHTS -- Should we take them up?

This is a snapshot taken at the St Ives Lesbian and Gay Rights Festival. It depicts one man's, "Winker" Rosewarne’s, attempt to "come out". Winker (49), a single man who lives quietly with his mother, Agnes (93), took advantage of the Festival to reveal his true bent, much to the shock of both his mother and his employers, Andrewartha’s Dairies.

Mr Marchmount Andrewartha commented "Come Monday, that bender’s sacked. I aren’t 'avin 'ee deliver my milk no more."

This kind of outdated homophobic attitude is, of course, entirely unacceptable in the 21st century. Should the Roundup become a campaigning organ for benders’ rights? We want your views!
Local man (98) dies unexpectedly

The Roundup brings you the sad news of the unexpected death of Mr Singlong "Chinky" Hong, who passed away at the weekend. A much-loved local character, Mr Hong was always pleased to be known simply as Chinky to patrons of his restaurant "The Chopped Stick", the first Chinese restaurant to be opened in Penzance back in the 1960s.

He was often heard to say, with a chuckle, "Guiloes no pronounce my name right, betta I say I Chinky!". Chinky was married to the 1956 Miss Halsetown, Catherine Trembath. The couple had no children.

A memorial service will be held at Chapel St Methodist Church on Wednesday at 3.00pm. According to Chinky’s last wishes, no flowers should be sent, but instead donations should be made to the Penzance branch of the Chinese Opium Smokers’ society.
CELEBRITY NEWS
with Court and Social editor Elsie Rescorla
Tregavarah Operatic Society Star adopts Colinsey Road child

Priscilla Rodda, the much-loved opera diva from Tregavarah, has adopted at last!

After fruitless years of treatment at the Bojuthno Trudgen Institute for Artificial Insemination, Priscilla has adopted a child from Maureen Coke, of 31, Colinsey Road, Treneere.

The child, believed to be female, was offered up by Maureen for adoption by Priscilla in exchange for an undisclosed sum.

Planning news:

Lamorna to be used for storage of nuclear waste shock!

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has struck again with a shock piece of news for picturesque Lamorna (left).

GRUC has signed a £40 million per year deal with the Republic of Ukraine to accept nuclear waste, which will be stored in Lamorna harbour.

Councillor Archibald Coke was unrepentant and unapologetic in giving out the news. "I dunno what they people are complaining about. I’s only a bitta waste. We’ll putten under the sand in the harbour and put a fence up round un. Tourists can hire Geiger counters at 50p a time and do their own measurin'."
ADVERTISEMENT: PENBERTHY’S FUN-TIME FUNERALS!

Jes cos they’ve passed ovver, ‘s no cause to be sad
Just crack a few jokes and make good times from bad.
So they’re pushing up daisies and beginning to smell
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Standard two clown versions cost £1,500, but the de luxe 6 clown special is available, during the summer only, for a mere £7,500.

Enquire also about our Firework Special Cremation service, called "The Blaster".

COURT REPORT
By Court Correspondent John Willie Polkinghorne, at Relubbus Magistrates' Court
Parish Council Chairman Terrorises Relubbus

Boy-racer Derek Hustle (63), the Chairman of Wellwhit Parish Council on the Isle of Wight, has been convicted of speeding.

In evidence, P.C. Obed Carne said:

"I clocked 'un 'urtlin' down Relubbus High Street at 32 mph. 'Ee was drivin' one-'anded, and wavin' a bottle of dry white wine in his other 'and. When 'ee got to the end of the street, 'ee did un 'and-brake turn and 'urtled back again. By this time, some ladies 'ad become 'istorical, an' 'Epzibah Pollock's prize sow, Gwennifyr, which 'ad been crossin' the street at the time, 'ad its litter then and there."

In mitigation, Hustle's solicitor explained that Hustle was not used to Relubbus roads. On the Isle of Wight, he said, people thought nothing of driving at speeds up to 35 mph. Just as the Isle of Man is known as "motor bike island", so the I.O.W. has been described as "racing car island", due to its proliferation of high-speed motorways.

Hustle (shown on the left leaving court disguised as a woman) asked for 17 other offences to be taken into account and was sentenced to 60 hours community service. He was also fined £3 and ordered to pay costs of £2.15.

After the hearing, Hustle's wife, Lynne (28), said: "Derek is not a bad man, but he is obsessed by speed."

Appropriately enough, it is understood that the Parish Council of Wellwhit has voted to defrock its erstwhile Chairman.

Proper Job - Cornish for the Non-Cornish
Gunnabuyunaree?
No, this is not an advertisement. This is the Relubbas Roundup’s way of introducing Cornish for the Non-Cornish.

Gunnabuyunaree? = "Are you considering the purchase of…..?"
I aren’t = "No, I am not."
Plumiza? = "Is he a little slow on the uptake?"
Queeriza? = "Is he gay?"
Bumdoee? = "Are you gay?"

Poetry Corner
Kenidjack Poetical, Literary and Philosophical Club
Annual Prize for Poetry in 2007
Awarded to Nellie Boskerris of Nanjizal, for her poem

I duh...

I duh do the washin on Mondays.
I duh go cleanin Tuesdays.
I duh like to stay ome Wednesdays, there’s plenty of cleanin ome to do.

I duh clean up in the back ‘ouse, make sure there’s plenty o newspaper.
Nuthin worse n bein stuck out there at 9 o’ clock on a winter’s eve, done your business, screamin for paper, but no one can ear you for the wind.

I duh gwup town regular for shoppin - buy n fresh and cook n fresh - thas me.

Thursdays I duh go old folks ome to elp out - git a bit a money for un too.
Fridays I duh do bakin and praps gwup town for a bitta geek roun.
Saturdays I’d put on my party frock and d’ go up bingo for a bit laugh.

I’d do these things every week. I’d like it like gat.

Enty May’s Problem Page
Readers are invited to seek Enty May’s benevolent guidance on sensitive matters of the heart, soul, body and human relations in general. In a previous issue, we stated that Enty May had a background of long term psychiatric care. We now understand that she herself received the care, rather than dispensing it. Since her words of advice are greatly valued, we do not regard past severe instability as an impediment to her role in this organ.

Question from Horton Nance (18) of Kelynack:

Dear Enty, I seen our neighbour, Dr Tonkin, mountin' a 'orse. I seenun do it more than once. Ee duh do it whenever 'ee duh think noone’s lookin.

Course I aren’t gunna tell the pleece. 'Owever, I was wundrin 'ow much blackmail money I could ask for to keep quiet?

Enty replies: Well, my bird, you done the right thing cummin' to me. If 'ee’s a doctor, 'ee d earn good money and you can sting 'im good and proper. Charge 'im £50 a month. Course, if you want me to keep quiet, you gotta give me ‘alf or I’ll publish this one in the Roundup.

Question from Liza Treloar (59) of Tregavarah:

Dear Enty, I duh 'ate my mother-in-law. 'Ow can I get rid of 'er fer keeps.

Enty replies: Well, my 'ansome, best way I can think of is t' bake she a nice pasty, but put plenty of rat poison innun. Put enough innun and she’ll be out your way.

Question from Elvia Cock (49) of Nanquidnick:

Dear Enty, My 'usbant says I am now ugly as sin and 'ee duh want to get rid o’ me. 'Ee 'ave now got a girlfrien' – some 22 year old scrubber 'ee picked up down Barn Club. What do I do?

Enty replies: Well, my sparrow, easiest thing fer you to do is t' get Liza Treloar to bake an extra rat poison pasty and giv’un to the scrubber and your 'usbant.

Question from Oliver Addicoat (16) of Heamoor:

Dear Enty, Everyone in my street 'ave got an ASBO ‘cept me. I feel I am lettin' the family down. Wonder what I can do?

Enty replies: Well, my cock, you’re some proper little man thinking about yer family name. Yer mother should be proud of 'ee.

If you want to get your own ASBO, you gotta' get noticed and that might be difficult with so many talented people in your street.

If I were you, I would concentrate on the old folks’ flats. Start off with breaking bottles o’ milk, smasha few windows and work yer way all the way up to explosives through the door. Best a luck, my ansome!

LONELY HEARTS
The Roundup recognises its social responsibilities towards the community it serves in many ways. One of these is by helping unattached folk to meet suitable partners. We hope that the following people will soon meet love’s young dream.

Josiah Tredwin, 39, ("I’m the handsome one on the right!") is a skilled grave-digger and night watchman who has devoted so much time to professional development that he -- like many another professional -- has had little time for meeting the right person.

A shy man with only a slight stammer, he prides himself on personal hygiene and takes a bath at least once every three months. Living alone with his bed-ridden father (87), he needs a woman to help him share the burdens of life.

He is looking for a similarly professional young woman (say a doctor of about 28 years of age) with whom he can share the burden of care for his father and to help him in his practical exploration of the Kama Sutra. "I would like for she to 'ave a car, 'cos I gotta gwin town on the bus at the moment". The authorities have asked us to add that Josiah is fully registered with the Criminal Records Bureau. BOX 4772.

Shazzer Tregwin (24) is a girl who likes to have fun. She lists her interests as Bingo, drinking, fish ‘n’ chips, the Lottery, "all the gossip magazines", experimental sex, shoes, handbags, chocolate, and lingerie.

A shelf-stacker from the Co-op in Newlyn, she would like to meet men, but not all at once -- "a girl’s gotta pace ‘erself!". Shazzer likes to receive "presents" from her men friends and lists £25 as the minimum. BOX 3765.

Archie Woolcock (45) is a local preacher, male voice choir member, and leader of a prayer group in Trelidden.

He runs a youth football team, and is a boy scout leader and Sunday School teacher. He has a job in the dry dock. An only child, he lives at home with his Mum and Dad.

Now that he has started wearing long trousers, he believes that it is time for him to meet girls, but it must be someone of whom his mother fully approves. His ideal woman would look like his Mum -- "a bit younger, of course!". BOX 2024.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• Camilla: shocking revelations!
  

• Henry VIII reincarnated in Penzance!

• Latest on the police search for master Crows an Wra criminal Jimmy "Boots bag" Dash .


• Millionaire Rosudgeon recluse Jasper Behenna's search for a young bride: the truth behind the rumours.
  

• Local doctor in sex scandal!

• Leader of chart-topping St Buryan music combo unmasked!

• Bumper edition of our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" section.
  

• And much, much more!
  

Issue 3, May 2007

EXCLUSIVE: POPE TO VISIT RELUBBUS

The Roundup's sources have revealed that, in a bold ecumenical move, the Methodist Council of Relubbus has invited Pope Benedict to visit the city.

The Rev. Bart Peniluna (54) said: "There is absolutely no truth in the rumours that we have invited the Pope in order to assassinate him. On the contrary, our aim is to heal the dangerous schism that currently exists between Rome and Relubbus."

The Pope is expected to fly into Newquay, where he will kiss the hallowed sod of Kernow. He will not, as some have imagined, sail to Kernow, like St Piran, on a millstone.

As part of his hectic schedule, the Pope will conduct an open-air mass at Gwennap Pit. A vast crowd of some tens of people is expected.

MORVAH MAN IN DRAMATIC RESCUE
Dickie Trembath, a 57 year-old single man who works for the South West Water Board, waded out waist-high into the turbulent sea at 7 o’clock last Tuesday morning to rescue an exhausted 89 year-old Miss Gracie Angwin. Dickie, a prominent member of the Morvah Local Men’s Club, had been out camping with friends at Long Rock. He had to get up early to answer a call of nature, when he suddenly heard an agonising call coming from the sea, and ran down to see if he could help.

Gracie, who had escaped from Barncoose late during Monday night in her new battery-powered wheelchair, had managed to shake off all pursuers and high-tail it to Long Rock in order to fulfil her latest ambition -- to swim the Atlantic. However, the wheelchair got stuck in the wet sand. She was unable to get out of the wheelchair unaided and would have been left to the heartless mercies of the incoming tide had not Dickie heard her wailing and rushed out to help.

Gracie was rescued -- tired, a little shaken, but by no means repentant. In fact she remained convinced all would have gone well, if she had taken the trouble to fit the wheelchair with floats. "I 'adden souped up fer speed, but I plum forgot to 'ave they floats put on!", she said later to the Cornishman.

Gracie was later turned over to the reluctant hands of her despairing keepers. Readers may recall Gracie’s dramatic, foiled, attempt at escape last month, to realise her then ambition of kidnapping the pope.

Advertisement Whites of Alverton, Penzance

West Cornwall’s answer to Foyles proudly announces that new stocks of the bestseller “Adventures of Policeman Carne”, price £41.75, have now arrived. This astounding book, fully illustrated with pictures of Penzance in the '20s and '30s, is based on the recently unearthed diaries of “Policeman Carne” himself, who pounded the beats of Penzance at that time.

These are illuminating tales of the tasks of a policeman in a Cornish county town of the '20s and '30s. They portray a picture of a stern, forbidding character who dispenses summary justice to cheeky, unruly boys, who, in defiance of the dreaded Carne, persist in taunting the odd characters of the town and terrorising prim old ladies such as Ethel Batten.

Ayatollah to buy Morvah shock

Waves of horror, fear, tension and suspense have swept the mainly Methodist-populated hamlet of Morvah, as rumours went around that the Ayatollah Mukhmadji was going to buy up Morvah and the surrounding land, with options on the female inhabitants as wives and concubines and on the male population as eunuch farmers.

Police Constable Arnold Uren, after painstaking detective work, finally tracked down the instigator of the rumours as none other than the local Co-op milkman, Wilfie Rosewarne (43), (shown on the left) originally a Camborne man.

Rosewarne, lovestruck with a local woman, thought that such stories might persuade his wavering sweetheart, Edie Harris (48), a Morvah woman and God-fearing Chapel piano-player, into marrying him and settling down with him in his caravan at Eastern Green.

Constable Uren (56), an experienced officer originally from Heamoor, married with two grown up children both locally employed, brought the sheepish Wilfie into the local school to explain his little ruse to the people of Morvah.

Miss Harris was present and broke down in front of the angry crowd, who were restrained from wreaking their vengeance upon Wilfie by the Police reinforcement who had by then cycled in from New Mill to aid PC Uren.

Rosewarne escaped preferring of charges and has emigrated back to Camborne. Mr Ayatollah Mukhmadji (78) (shown left), a resident of the holy city of Qom, was not available for comment here today.

CELEBRITY NEWS
with Court and Social editor Elsie Rescorla

New Headmistress for St Buryan Primary School!
Agnes Uren, 45, has been appointed as the new Headmistress of St Buryan School. Ms Uren is a local woman, who attended the Penzance Grammar School for Girls. She is a keen cyclist, a practising Lesbian and an avid collector of vintage cigarette cards.

Ms Uren and her partner, Elizabeth Berriman, are currently Synchronised Directed Wind (SDW) champions in the South Western League.

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE

Is a child all you need to complete your marriage? No luck after years of trying?

Look no further. The Bojuthno Trudgen Institute for Insemination (Artificial or Real) has provided a ready answer for couples all over Penzance, and indeed as far as Hayle.

For a fee of £9.75 and a bottle or two, Mr Trudgen (pictured on the left with patient Kitty Nankervis (23) of Gwavas) will be only too pleased to sort you out. Mr Trudgen is the consummate professional and would like to assure that he has never suffered from any STDs.

Knockout Hit for Boskenwal and Tregadgwith Dramatic Society!
Review by Literary Editor Emily Bindweed

Saturday night was yet another huge success for the merged Boskenwal Gay Drama Group and Tregadgwith Methodists’ Young Women’s Drama Group. Now known as "the Queens", the new group is storming round West Penwith, pulling in crowds of sometimes double figures with its own version of An Inspector Calls.

In the picture are shown, from the left, Prudence Pengilly, 25, from Rosemodrass; Ariminta Trenoweth, 29, from Trevorgans; Hester Lawry, 23, from Bosanketh; Jimmy Oppy, 26, from Tregiffian; Berzillai Curnow, 31, from Noonzeras; Samuel Lugg, 32, from Chegwidden; Tamazine Roskilly, 28, from Sparnon; Bathsheba Trezise, 29, from Cardinney and Drusilla Trevorrian, 28, from Bosliven.

Jimmy Oppy, who plays the inspector, has managed to make his stammer an additional and entirely unexpected weapon of suspense, with dramatic pauses of sometimes 10 full minutes between the start of a sentence and its end. Meanwhile, Drusilla Trevorrian has stolen the heart of many a young man in the audience through the floods of tears that precede her frequent announcement that "I kent remember my words!"

What the play lacks in pace and professionalism is more than compensated for by the naked fear of the cast and their visible desperation to simply get to the end. Indeed this fear adds yet another spur of excitement, as one tries to work out which cast member, for it is not clear, is dogged with the incontinence problem that causes puddles to appear around the stage.

The director, Mathew Carkeek (48) of Chyangwens, is hoping to transfer the play to the West End stage. The Roundup will be with them every step of the way.

Liaisons Aventeureuses in Relubbus?

There was an unusual double wedding in Relubbus at the weekend. Shown on the left is Kitty Polglaze with her two husbands, Trevenen Hawke (on the left) and Vinicombe Davey.

Whilst this may seem a complicated arrangement, Trephina Moyle, on the right, goes one stage further in terms of complications. On her left is her husband, Solomon Cock, whilst on her right is pictured her wife, Lucretia Teague.

Relubbus is, of course, famed for its avant garde social experimentation and liberal views in matters matrimonial. The two groups will be living together in a one-up one-down cottage – at No.4 Trewellard Lane in Relubbus.

The Roundup wishes them all every happiness together.

Planning news

New Eurostar Terminus for St Erth

Pictured on the left is the newly-refurbished St Erth Eurostar terminus, which will connect Relubbus to Paris and Brussels.
The new service, which will begin in the autumn, has already caused something of a stir. Each day, there will be five trains from St Erth to both Paris and Brussels. However, the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has decided that only one train a week will stop at London, obliging London-based travellers to catch the Cornishman down to St Erth to make the connection on to Paris or Brussels.

Watch this space for further developments!
German for Cornish Speakers
As Cornwall County Council recognises its duty to develop good and mutually profitable relations with other countries around the world, the Roundup is keen to support such efforts by helping Cornish folk develop linguistic skills, which will ease communication between them and our European neighbours.

Our German readers should note that this section can also be used to give them the word-perfect Cornish rendering of useful German phrases.

Conversational German Part 1

Wie geht es Ihnen? Awrightaree?

Es geht mir sehr gut. 'Aayss, doin' proper.

Sind Sie Englaender? Englisharee?

Nein. Ich bin aus Cornwall. No, I aren’t. I’m Cornish.

Das ist meine Tochter. Tha’s my little maid.

Sie is aber schoen. She’s sum purty little maid, inna?

Wie heisst sie? Wassa called a?

Sie heisst Brunhilde. 'Er name is Loveday.

Das ist ein schoenes Haus. Tha’s a proper lil 'ouse, inna?

Ja, moechten Sie es kaufen? 'Ess. Gunnabuyun aree?

Vocabulary
Arschloch Tuss
Aussentoilette Backhouse
Bustenhalter One o' they brazier wossnames.
Eigenartige Pastete mit Fleisch, Kartoffeln, Zwiebeln, und Steckrueben Pasty
Mittagessen Bit dinner
Pferd 'Oss
Schuhplattler One o' they weird dences, where they duh slap their ‘eels and each other’s bums.
Spaeter mal Drekkly

Passed Ovver (Obituaries)
Welcome to the ever-popular "'Oo’s Dead?" section of the Roundup!

JOYCE TREVASKIS

The Roundup must sadly report that Joyce Trevaskis has passed on, aged 98. Pictured here in her glory days in the 1930s as Miss Gulval Churchtown, when she still had two legs, Joyce was a colourful character. Never married, she retired only last year from her chosen career of prostitution.

As "the big-hearted pro who never says no", Joycie will be missed by the generations of Gulval men and boys who availed themselves of her generous services. An innovative woman, she operated her own dividend stamp scheme and was one of the first to take credit cards and to advertise on the net.

She also operated a home delivery service and it was whilst speeding down Gulval hill on her bike on such a mission in her early forties that her brakes failed and she crashed badly, losing her left leg. Doughty to the last, she didn’t let this stop her. She became a well-known sight as a one-legged cycling "home delivery" tart, wearing her hallmark feathered hat.

There will be a service of remembrance for Joyce at Gulval Church on Wednesday at 3.00pm. Early attendance is advised if one is to get a seat.

Poetry Corner
A poem entitled "Yesday"
by a pupil of Lescudjack County Secondary School

Yesday, we wen up Gran’s. I ate going up there.

All she duh do is go on about er feet or Mrs Ladner’s leg - yap yap yap.

She duh give us cup tea an sometimes a saffern bun. She duh make er own and they’re alright.

Anyway, yesday was better cos we didn ave to stay in. We went out to play.

I wen up Rosehill wi summa my mates.

We met the Heamoor gang and we ad a fight. Soonas Trev giv their leader, Derek, a bloody nose, they’re off outofit.

We did a bitta mischief in they apple orchards what duh blong to ole man Tresidder and then we cumome fer tay.

Soonas I walk in the door - Wallop from dad! That bugger Tresidder been an gone and told on me. Aren’t appy about that and I’ll get me own back on un.

Philip Trudgeon (14)
YOUR STARS

with Breton mystic Maurice Labalge

He is the mystic who knows what will come
For you, for your neighbour, for everyone!

Aries This month will be better, though not good. There will be a death in the family, but you feel well rid of them. A small (£10) lottery win for you will brighten things up.

Taurus Returning your books to the library, you will bump into Mrs Hollis and have a pleasant natter about this and that. While this is happening, someone will attempt to steal her purse. Armed with the information from this column, you will put a stop to that.

Gemini You will have a wet dream and feel a little embarrassed about it. However, this is just a phase and you will soon get over it, particularly if you are female.

Cancer Wishing to change channels on the television, you will decide not to do so by getting up and walking to the set to press the requisite buttons. Instead, you will use a device called a remote control, which will enable you to make all desired changes without leaving your seat.

Leo You will go for an interesting charabanc ride to Marazion. During this ride, you will see a peacock flying alongside you. At your destination, the peacock will await you. You will discover that it can talk and it will tell you secrets about members of the town council. You can then blackmail them.

Virgo You will walk past a stranger today. You will never know what changes he might have brought to your life, had you only stopped to talk.

Libra Whilst at the hairdresser’s, you will meet other women having their hair done. In talking to them, you will hear about Diane Liddicoat’s affair with the Co-op milkman. You will wonder why the story seems familiar. It is only on the way home on the bus that you remember the words from this column.

Scorpio You have offered to baby-sit for your daughter for three days. Unfortunately, your husband has foolishly arranged for you both to drive via the tunnel for a day’s shopping in France on the third of those three days. Fortunately, this column gives you sufficient advance warning of this near-calamity to do something about it.

Sagittarius Those very weird dreams you used to get about intimacies with groups of meerkats are back again with a vengeance. You are strongly counselled to avoid the Zoo.

Capricorn You are coming up for retirement now and, quite frankly, you have never felt happier. At long last, the time is yours to call your own. You can do anything you like. However, you had better hurry up, as extreme health problems are on the way.

Aquarius You will cut the grass this week and intend to cut the hedge. However, whilst up the ladder you will lean back too much to follow an attractive young lady with your eyes, causing you to overbalance and fall badly, breaking your wrist and narrowly missing puncturing your lungs with the shears.

Pisces Very unusually for this time of year, there will be very bad hailstorms, which could do some damage to the young plants in the garden. Warned by this column, you can transfer the tenderest specimens to the greenhouse for a while. Mrs Roskilly pops around for a chat as she does every Tuesday.
LONELY HEARTS
The Roundup recognises its social responsibilities towards the community it serves in many ways. One of these is by helping unattached folk to meet suitable partners. We hope that the following people will soon meet love’s young dream.

Twice-divorced mother of 8, Tracey Shutter (25) is looking for that someone special to share her love-nest in Colinsey Road, Penzance. Tracey has a wide span of interests ranging from Wicca and 19th century Romantic Poetry to brick-laying and Vietnamese cookery.

As both her previous partners had only one leg, she is particularly looking forward to having a relationship with a man with two legs, if possible. She says "I gotta ‘osepipe out back an I can give the lucky man a colonic irrigation every night if 'ee duh want one!" This declaration can be taken as a simple example of Tracey’s desperate attempt to please.

Since Tracey’s two eldest male children (10 and 9) already have the benefit of ASBOs, it can be taken as read that the State has already recognised the promise within the family. A loving -- preferably two-legged -- partner is all that is required to complete the picture. BOX 1098.

Hannibal Harvey is a real catch! Hannibal (a young 73) lists his interests as whittling wood, laying traps for small animals, making explosive devices, heavy metal music, riding his motor bike (with side-car -- currently unoccupied!) and "keeping 'isself to ‘isself". Never married, never having had a girlfriend (nor, indeed, any friend -- "that business about the spaniel was all lies!") Hannibal is keen to discover the romantic side of his character with a loving woman (or, indeed, anything female). A working fisherman, he offers a bed in the cottage, as much pilchard as you can stomach, and "interesting evenings without the telly", as he doesn’t possess one. BOX 5639.

SPORTS NEWS

VICKERY TO JOIN RELUBBUS

Following weeks of speculation and rumour, reliable sources close to England captain Phil Vickery said yesterday that the World Cup-winner is to join Relubbus RFC in the summer.

Although Relubbus currently play in Cornwall League 2, the club's ambitions are no secret. Yesterday their millionaire backer, Dicky Penwallet, said "Our aim is to win the Heineken European Cup within five years.

"That is why we have already upgraded our stadium to Premiership standards, with a new stand that can hold upwards of 30 people. And our floodlight is state-of-the-art, being powered by a wind turbine on Treluglas moor."

As the news broke, there was an air of barely-suppressed excitement and glee at the club yesterday. The only dissenting voice was that of current tighthead prop Joe Tregeagle (48). The 4 foot 11, 7 stone veteran asked: "Wha's Vickery got that I int? 'Ee's a brer bit bigger than I, granted, but I duh reckon that only slows un down! An' 'ee may be a bit younger, but I got the experience! That gert pack down at Roseland ull eat un for breakfast!"

Vickery was unavailable for comment yesterday.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• EXCLUSIVE: BLAIR SEEKS TOP JOB AT GRUC!

• Nuclear threat to Lamorna!

• Expose of the Roundup's undercover reporters: we tell all.

• Lively report on the St Ives Lesbian and Gay Rights Festival.
  

• Local man (98) dies unexpectedly: we have our finger on the pulse.

• Celebrity News: did famed Tregavarah Operatic Society star Priscilla Rodda "buy" a Colinsey Road child? The Roundup tells all.

• Enty May solves your personal problems.

• "Cornish for the non-Cornish": our popular guide to Cornish "as she is spoke".
  

• Our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" section.
  

• And much, much more!