PERSONAL SERVICES FOR THE DISCERNING USER

Depilation the Easy Way

You've given creams a go – and they don’t work.

You've obviously tried shaving, but that is short-lived and bloody.

So now you are looking for the new fail-safe way. And now you need look no further – you will find your answers in Crows-an-wra!!

So come to Crows and Wra Body Torching for that Bunsen Burner treatment that WILL leave you hairless.

Sandra Botterill will leave you hairless and happy!!

A single session with Sandra will cost you only £39.

Weight Loss – achieve it, without effort, at: Buryas Bridge Body Slicing

It is the new technique that helps you lose pounds (or stones) in seconds.

Dickie Addicoat is ready to help you by slicing off unwanted parts (and weight!!) in just seconds!!

Dickie likes to think of himself as a skilled ‘body sculptor’, who can transform your looks.

A two minute (the maximum) session with Dickie will cost you just £95.

Please note that clients must supply their own sticky plasters!!

Spiritual Telegraphs!!

We pass on those last words you forgot to say!

Everyone wishes that they had said some one last thing to their dearly beloved, before they departed. Once the moment has past, the opportunity has gone – forever! Or has it?

No! It hasn’t, you can speak to your loved ones who have passed on!

For a fee of only £42 per word, you can pass on messages to your dear departed with

Spiritual Telegraphs of Boscathnoe.

Constipation Clearance with High Pressure Hosing!

Also effective with Ear Wax, Alzheimers and Homosexuality!!**

Dougie Blewitt is all kitted up and standing ready to help you with whatever ailment you might have.

His cleansing blast will remove all traces of ear wax for good. It is also known to have beneficial effects in the treatment of Alzheimer’s - it does get their attention!

Also, when the power is turned on full, Dougie is convinced that it will ‘cure’ homosexuality, halitosis, and other ailments beginning with 'h'.

5 (Five) minutes with Dougie cost an amazingly little £445!!!!

** As recommended by Cornish Conservative County Councillor Graham Facks-Martin!!!!

Professor Parry’s Counselling for the Confused!!

As a formerly very confused person himself, Professor Parry is well placed to help those amongst us, who have – for whatever reasons – become ’confused’.

Here follows a quick confusion test:

1. Have you ever voted ‘Tory’? (Don’t be ashamed – it happens!)

2. Have you ever been caught with a part of yourself inserted into an animal of any sort?

3. Regardless of the ‘happy state’ of the animal, is there a picture?

4. Have you killed anyone yet?

5. If not, would your weapon of choice be a bomb, a knife, or a bludgeon?

If you have scored four ‘yes’ s and a bludgeon, then Professor Parry is your man!!

He is to be found at the Long Rock Station carriages between 9.10 and 9,40 on Tuesday mornings. Knock twice, as he's usually involved with his favourite Lemur, Albert.

“Recovery’ sessions with Professor Parry can cost as little as £5,000 per 10 minute session!!

CLASSIFIEDS - THE UPDATE

The recent series of classifieds appearing in this organ contained one plea that brought a reaction from hundreds of young women, all desperate to be the source of solace to the man who advertised thus:

Old fart, 82 but not yet dead, seeks stunning blonde between 25 and 29, who will lavish love upon me. Must be solvent, as I aren’t. Tel 0905 446 4612.

It is with the greatest of regret that we bring you the news that, despite the note of plucky optimism at the beginning of his message, the “Old Fart”, one Daniel Beare of the Caravan, Badger’s Field, St Just, has now passed away.

Such was his joy at being told that his advert had attracted 257 applicants that his excitement grew and his heart gave up on him.

However, we were so touched at the reaction that we have decided to print, for free, the adverts of some of those who responded in such a kindly manner, despite the fact that some clearly do not fit into the category of blonde, solvent, stunning and between 25 and 29.

Janice Cock (27) from Rosudgeon is a mobile (with own bike) "penile implant repair operative", who counts the whole of West Penwith as her patch. Given the nature of her work, she was on the lookout for a relationship that would offer her restful companionship to counterbalance the rigours of her day. “I am shagged out at the end of the day and jes’ wanted someone to come ‘ome to. I’m sum sorry to ‘ear about Mr Beare!” Janice would like to hear from you at Box 5674.


Sharon Botterill (16) is still at school, but as she said “Mr Beare sounded like such a kindly old bloke. I was jes’ goin’ to call in on un after school every couple of days to check ee’s alright, fetch ‘is fags and that sort of thing. Course, it might ‘ave led to more….” If anyone is moved by Sharon’s touching concern, she would love to hear from them and would like younger men or even boys her own age to make contact at Box 3912.


Lydia Addicoat (27), last year’s Miss Perranporth, shown here wearing her winning crown, is a ‘junior’ in a hair styling salon, where she has been training for some years to become a beautician. As the salon has male customers now too, she has been ‘looking after their feet’. She has developed a particular affection for old men’s feet, but did not like to tell anyone about it. Mr Beare would have been a dream partner, as he had apparently had ‘very bad feet’. If anyone would like to “play footsie” with Lydia, they should write to Box 7834.

Some one calling themselves just ‘Chris’ has sent in this photo, along with a message saying “I am Chris. I look just like this. I don’t want people to be afraid any more. They can trust me now. I am sorry about Mr Beare. I thought I could manage him, because his sight was probably not any good any more.” Chris lives "up on the moors" and loves horses. If you are interested, just take up a message. Chris will be watching. Chris is always watching.


Dog poo control operative (no, she’s eating chocolate!) Linda Borlase (25) is a sweet girl, who was strongly taken by Mr Beare’s cri de coeur. Overactive glands leave Linda with an embarrassing personal odour problem that makes her think she’d be better suited to an older man, like Mr Beare. She would like to hear from other over 80s gents at Box 4567.


Bert Trelowarren is a 27-year-old ladies' outfitter from Nancledra. A gentle soul, he has difficulty in fitting into the Penzance scene. He is very interested in male bodily dysfunctions, but finds it hard to relate his wishes to others. He thought that he would have a chance with an older man, hence his interest in Daniel. If anyone else would like to while away an evening with Bert over a yarn and a gallon of Bulmers, he should contact Box 5601.

Gracie Pender is 96 and still ‘up for it’. Gracie invented lap dancing in the 1920s and made a great deal of money from Lord Falmouth, the Bolithos and the Le Grices. She has also been credited with passing on handy hints to the Duckess of Cornwall about how to enliven nights at Highgrove. Charles was so thankful, he sent down his favourite cabbage to her. When she read Daniel’s message she thought “he’s a bit of a toyboy, but I’ve got the money and the time, so why the hell not?" Gracie is still eligible and open to invitations at Box 9127.

And finally, the man who all this was about? The man himself, Daniel Beare?

Here we have a picture of Daniel, snapped at one of his last ‘Dentures for Life’ sessions, where he acted as a model.

We send Daniel every best wish for his future journeys through the worlds of being!

ALARM AT PISKEY/GOBLIN PROBLEM IN WEST PENWITH

There is widespread alarm at the recent outbreak of hostilities between Piskies and Hobgoblins in Heamoor. Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo (98) was quoted only last year as saying that the Pisky problem had been brought under control and that no one had anything to fear from the activities of the ‘little people’ again. Key to the achievement of this agreement was the GRUC undertaking that Goblins would not be allowed into Cornwall.

However, this has sadly proven not to be the case. Goblins have somehow found their way in. Rural dwellers in West Penwith have become all too aware of a steady increase in Goblin incursions in recent months. Their presence is betrayed by screechily high pitch curses in the dead of night, pilfering, attacks on pets, tampering with water and frequent bad smells. They have been drawn here by Cornwall’s mild climate and ancient traditions of faery lore. (Yes, that’s ‘faery’, not ‘fairy’, Nigel).

Native Piskies have been with us always. Some say that they were here before us and will be here after we have gone. They usually grow to a height of between 2ft 6 ins and 3 ft tall, although in the 16th century the noted giant Piskey, Taroveor Menheniot, grew to the great height of 4 ft 3 ins.

Piskey folk tend to keep themselves to themselves and do not take to mixing much with us humans. They can choose to be helpful to us, but just as often and easily, they can choose to caggle up our activities for pure mischief’s sake. When they do talk to us, it is always in the broadest St Buryan accent or in Kernewek.

Goblins, on the other hand, are not indigenous to Cornwall. They are bigger (growing to 4 ft 6 ins), look very ugly and have foul manners and habits. They are lazy, they steal, they get very high on dandelion juice, they delight in making bad smells (which is a form of making music for them), and they take enormous pleasure in disrupting human life.

They are competing with our native Piskies for territory.

Cambron Trembath, (52) the Chairman of the Relubbus Society for the Promotion of Responsible Interactions with Cornish Piskies (RSPRICK) said this could be just like the sad story of the squirrel. “Years ago, we used to ‘ave they neat little red squirrels ‘ere, till they bleddy American greys moved in!” He advocates strong action against Goblins to preserve the way of life of the Cornish Piskey.

On Saturday, at the Relubbus Central Square, just off Boswedden Lane, there will be a mass rally in support of our native Piskies and crowds of around 50,000 to 60,000 are expected to gather.

Billy Spargo is expected to address the crowds and, since he is no stranger to controversy, it is widely rumoured that he is prepared to authorise the release to the Piskies of tankerloads of "turnick an’ rhubarb juice". Innocuous to humans and Piskies alike, the mixture is deadly to Goblins. This radical measure will drive out the Goblins in hours.

Having heard of Spargo’s rumoured intentions, ‘English’ Gordon, the UK Prime Minister, speaking, bejacketed but tieless, from his holiday bunker in Suffolk declared that “the human rights issues in the matter needed to be ventilated”.

Spargo’s response? “If that asshole spent ten minutes in a room with a Goblin, he’d knaw it wadden't human and the room would need bleddy ventilatin!!”

IT'S SUMMER TIME - VISIT CORNWALL FOR AN UNFORGETTABLE EXPERIENCE

LOOK!! Just seven experiences for you in West Cornwall, which you will find nowhere else!!!!!

AZTECLAND at Carn Brea!!

The Aztecs had a fascinating civilisation, before it was well nigh obliterated by the dastardly cruel marauding Spaniards. Now YOU have the chance to sample something of the magnificent Aztec way of life by visiting AZTECLAND at Carn Brea.

Music and dance was hugely important for the Aztecs. Everyone took part in dances performed especially for the gods, including peasants, so we’ll be giving you a chance at that too.

An Aztec 'orchestra' was usually made of different types of rattles and different types of drums. Specific Aztec instruments were used for specific things. The trumpet sounded long, deep notes while the percussion created hypnotic rhythms. The big temple drums could be heard for several kilometers. Their wind instruments included pan pipes, whistles, and flutes. It was only the priests who had mastered the art of releasing trapped wind with such ferocity that the ‘blast’ could last for anything up to 4 minutes and blow everything out of its path!!

Picture on the left portrays happy visitor, who has learnt that she will be a "Priest for the Day".

The musical experience is a key part of the AZTECLAND experience. You will be allotted a place in a ‘real Aztec orchestra and, by the end of the day, you will be able to play your part in a full scale musical performance which takes place before the daily grand religious ceremony at sundown.

Religion was hugely important to the Aztecs, as was sacrifice. When you pay to enter Aztecland, you are given a numbered pebble. Depending upon the number on the pebble, you will then play the part of either a priest (5 are needed and they will have to pass the wind test)) or a sacrificial victim (500 are needed).

If chosen as a priest, you will be guided by our friendly Aztec helpers throughout the complicated business of mass execution. If you are selected as a sacrificial victim, our friendly helpers will give you handy hints (such as holding your breath) which will help you bear the excruciating pain of having your still-beating heart torn from your chest.

Your death experience will be recorded on DVD for your family’s benefit and that is all included in the unbelievably cheap price of only £134.99 plus VAT (family discounts available at only £135.99 plus VAT per person!!)

NANCLEDRA ADVANCED FLAGELLATION APPRECIATION SOCIETY (NAFAS)

This is a special opportunity available to the curious who would like to know a little more about flagellation, but are too shy to ask.

A 2 day course on “Carry your FLAGE with confidence” is available to true devotees of the gentle art.

Formula 1 Chief Execs are eligible for a discount, if they submit their applications to Helga in German! Others must pay the price - £75 per day.



Gulval Churchtown GIANT TORTOISE ‘Appreciation’ Society

You don’t need to be ashamed anymore. There are other people who get excited by this photo. In the Cricketer’s Arms at Gulval, you can relax over a beer – or two - and discuss your little weakness and then repair to a shed for a dreamily close encounter of a Giant Tortoise kind – all for a daily fee of just £245.99 plus VAT.


The Long Rock ‘NAME THAT SMELL’ Experience

Enrol for a five day course and emerge just 9 days later as a veritable expert in smells of every kind.

You will be tutored by Long Rock’s “Mr Smell” and winner of the 1973 Goldsithney Open Petard Competition, Matthew Trembath, pictured here helping to acquaint new course members with their own smell, using the renowned ‘sniff your armpit method’.

The "Name that Smell" experience costs an amazingly low £1.76 per day.


The Crows an Wra CREATIVE WRITING Holiday course

Led by extremely promising, but as yet sadly unpublished, author, Den Pender, this course will show you how to achieve fame and fortune as a writer.

It is unashamedly pricey – at £5,000 per day for 10 days – but you must ask yourself, whether you can really put a price on talent such as that of Shakespeare.

The answer is, of course, that you cannot and so you need to flock, with the other countless thousands, to Pender’s opulently appointed caravan for tuition.

GETTING CLOSER TO PIGS in Madron

A holiday is a time to discover your inner self. When you go looking, you never quite know what you will find. That is true of Wendy Angwin, who discovered that she has a “thing” with pigs.

There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Wendy now caters for the holidaying public. She has 6 shelters for pig-friendly folk, who would like to spend a night or more cuddling up toa pig.

You can select your own pig – she has two males and three females and a male pig of different orientation called Ben. Hourly sessions are available for as little as £55 Plus VAT. The ever popular 'All nighters' can be yours for as little as £798 plus VAT.

EXCREMENTAL PAINTING in Newlyn

You must remember that you will have to tell everyone that you heard it here first – Excremental Painting.

It is the new thing and no-one is better able to explain it to you than Geoffrey Arsehole, who is the primary exponent of the new painting style, which is taking Newlyn by storm.

The surprising thing is that all the students seem to select the same subject (The Lady on the left)– it is as if there were no better subject for this manner of painting.

You can enrol now for a surprisingly low £5.65 per day (including two!! daily curries to generate the painting material) and Arsehole will share his secrets with you.

RELUBBUS REDEFINES BEAUTY

As we all know, Relubbus high society sets trends today which others in lesser places like London, Paris, New York and Hayle follow tomorrow.

The world of cosmetic surgery is just one more field in which bold moves taken in Relubbus will doubtless be aped elsewhere.

Leading Cosmetic Dentist, Billy “Clubfoot” Clemo (31, or so he maintains) from Rosudgeon has performed a ‘dental reconstruction’ on the ever-beautiful husky-voiced jazz singer from Tremethick Cross, Morwenna Zenna (36, 24, 36).

Clemo is a controversial character. His liberal use of immoderate and inappropriate language is upsetting for some who are not prepared to make allowances for his greatness. Furthermore, as can sometimes be the case with those touched by brilliance, Clemo is given to emotional outbursts of sometimes frightening proportions. However in Clemo’s case, the outbursts have more to do with his exasperation at his hearing problem than with brilliance.

Now completely deaf, he refuses to employ deaf aids and is a very poor lip reader. This is a potentially disastrous combination for occupants of the dentist’s chair. However, potential patients will take comfort from the fact that, following a series of complaints of "torture", patients are now issued with a "pain-button" which, when pressed, sets the surgery lights flashing and gives Clemo a mild electric shock to attract his attention.

The world has long had an obsession with certain ideals of beauty. However, we now live in an age where we can reconstruct ourselves to conform to such ideals. Of course, this has the unfortunate and deeply regrettable consequence that we might all end up looking like clones. Billy Clemo is one of the professionals who opposes such Hollywood conformity. He is devoting his cosmetic surgery skills to making people look different from one another.

Before the surgery, Morwenna Zenna gave us an interview in which she stated that she was delighted to be first amongst the Relubbus glitterati asked to become a pioneer for new attitudes towards beauty.

Morwenna has been a thinking man’s crumpet for some years, a pin-up in solicitors’ offices and doctors’ surgeries all over Relubbus. A picture of her has even been glimpsed on display in the sumptuous offices of Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo (65).

Having set trends in jazz singing, she is now prepared to blaze a trail in new concepts of beauty. Billy Clemo is giving her teeth the new look of the 21st century, and then she moves on to Billy’s brother Zeke, a plastic surgeon operating in Prospidnick, who will complete the transformation in beauty.

We can now show below the brilliance of Clemo’s work. On the left, we have a picture of Morwenna’s teeth before the operation, clearly displaying those old outdated concepts of beauty. On the right we show a picture of Morwenna’s teeth after the operation, which fully displays the transformational nature of Clemo’s pioneering work.

BEFORE AFTER
Morwenna herself was unavailable for comment.

However, Billy was very chipper and talked of the operation as a great success, which will bring all the young beauties his way, clutching their £10,000 in order to have the same operation as Morwenna.

For the first five ladies who email us here at the Roundup, we will contribute a full £10 (for EACH of the five!) towards the dental cosmetic costs.

RELUBBUS OLYMPIC TEAM UP FOR MEDALS!!

By our special Chinese Sports Correspondent, Dung Xiao Fried Lice

Boswedden Lane is full of the talk of medal prospects, since one of the strongest ever Relubbus teams has been fielded in Peking (as Billy Spargo has ordered it to be named).

The strongest gold medal hope resides in Ned ‘Pasties ‘ Nudd (14) , who will be competing in the ‘Floating’ competition. The International Olympic Committee (IOC) admitted the Floating competition following a petition from the Small Nations of the World, who backed Relubbus to the hilt.

Competion rules are that one must have eaten 500 shop pasties (Eddy’s, Rowe’s, Warren’s or Philp’s only are admissible (Ginsters are banned!)) in the previous 48 hours, before one attempts to float for four hours is a swimming pool. As Ned normally eats 300 pasties a day, he (firmly supported -- not literally, of course -- by his Mum) says that he should ‘walk it’. Just to make sure, the picture we show is of Ned in training – after 400 pasties a day.

The ever popular girls’ relay drinking team, shown here with their trainer, Tommy Tregarthen after a heavy session at the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, have stepped up their drinking to ensure victory in the Women's 18-24 Piss-Up Competition. The rules are simple – ‘down’ the most in rapid succession and stay standing – for, at least, 30 minutes. These dedicated young women – all from Tremethick Cross Young Women’s Drinking Club are, from the left, Lavinia Angove (21), Aggie Lanyon (23), Letitia ‘Scrubber’ Liddicoat (22) and Poppy Cock (19) . These young women carry Relubbus’s hopes for a second gold.



Relubbus also has great hopes on the track. Brenda Opie (84) is our big gold medal hope in the Over Eighties Incontinence 50 Mile Sprint. Brenda is shown here in the midst of her gruelling training for the race. It is not just a question of keeping going in a gruelling 50 mile sprint race. It is also a matter of keeping up a constant detectable fine spray during the whole proceedings. Brenda is the girl for this task.

Brenda’s chances in this competition have been nothing if not strengthened by her reputed association with Chinese President, Hu Jintao, (37) who is apparently ‘hopressry in rove’ with her. Hu confided to friends on the Central Committee “Wat dat girl can do wiv cigar is no one’s business!!”.

Relubbus’ medal hopes do not end there. Silver or bronze hopes are realistic prospects for Dougie Ladner in the 1950s Milk Drinking Competition. This calls for the ability to drink glasses of milk “in a style consistent with the manner, practice, dress and decorum of the 1950s”. Dougie is held to be a natural for this, as he is a freeze-dried 1950s person.



Another hot contender for a medal is the St Ives milkman, Dick Rosewarne (45), in the Llama Impersonation Competition. Dick is so good at this that even his wife and mother (absolutely NOT the same person, despite the fact that they have never been seen together) are unable to detect him in a herd of llamas when he is ‘doing his impersonation’.



Yet another Relubbus medals hope is to be found in the new ‘Unusual Foods Consumption’ competition, where Pascoe Polkinghorne (29) of Gurnards Head is believd to have a strong chance. He has been in the Far East engaged on an extended training programme, centred on eating rat (as shown in the attached photo).



The last Relubbus medals hope is to be found in the recently introduced “Name That Sex” competition. Contestants are merely required to confuse the judges as to their gender, during interview AND subsequent physical examination. The Relubbus entrant, Chris Pender (32) of Buryas Bridge, has managed to confound and confuse his/her own mother (Nigel) for the past 25 years and Nigel says that Chris should definitely get a medal, if not the gold. The excitement can hardly be contained.

Let us wait to see where Relubbus appears on the medals table!!!