RELUBBUS TO BECOME 51st US STATE!
By Political Correspondent Rendell Janner
In an unfortunate mixup in our last issue we reported that the USA was to become part of Greater Relubbus. It seems that we were deliberately misled by mischievous elements within MI6 and the Russian KGB. We now have it on good authority (no less than that of the American CIA) that almost the reverse of what was originally reported is the case: the truth is that Relubbus is to issue a unilateral declaration of independence (UDI) from the United Kingdom in order to become the fifty-first state of the United States of America.
Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Billy Spargo, said: "Us ul 'ave our own state legis-slaturr, an' we shul 'av Senaturrs and Congessmen in Washington. An' they bleddy English kent do nawthin' about it!"
THE WORLD'S REACTION TO UDI
President George Dubya Bush of the USA:
UK Foreign Secretary David Milliband:
"Bugger!"
UK Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling:
"The UK economy is absolutely dependent on Greater Relubbus! We're stuffed!"
UK Chief of General Staff, General Sir Richard Dannatt:
"The UK armed forces are absolutely dependent on Greater Relubbus! We're stuffed!"
French President Nicholas Sarcozy (the French are believed to have wooed Relubbus to join the French Republic):
"Merde! C'est incroyable! Nous sommes bourrés!"
NATO Secretary General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer:
"Since Greater Relubbus is moving from the jurisdiction of one NATO country to another we don't foresee any problems."
UK MP and former Home Secretary David Blunkett:
"I saw this coming."
In his leader column, "Why UDI? Why now?", editor Sylvanus Penhaul gives the Roundup's verdict on UDI -- see "THE THUNDERER", below.
Roman Colony found in Relubbus!
By Cornish historian Dr Philip Prayton
Roundup reporters have stumbled across a small Roman colony that has managed to survive -- hidden and undisturbed -- since the last Legion (the second Augusta) was withdrawn from Britain in AD 407 by Emperor Constantine III (42), to help defend Rome against the barbarians threatening the existence of the Empire.
Pictured here is the leader of the colony, a Mr Quintus Servilius Clemo (52). Mr Clemo explained, "Cum Constantinus duodecimam legionem ad Galliam duxit, Britannia periculosa erat. Solum in Relubbo poterat vivere in incolumitate."
Denzil Trevains, an interpreter for the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Foreign Relations Committee (FRC) gave us the gist of what Mr Clemo said: " When Constantine took the 12th legion off to Gaul, Britain became a dangerous place. Only in Relubbus was it possible to live in safety."
As the Romans might say "Mirabile dictu" -- or "it is strange to relate" - this colony of about 150 people has managed to struggle on and survive, preserving the Roman way of life and the Latin language in the environs of Relubbus.
The valley in which they live is surrounded by difficult terrain, that none of the bordering farms have attempted to cultivate. This lack of intrusion allowed the colony to preserve the independence and safety it craved. Occasionally, over the centuries, scouts have ventured out and have observed and recorded the changing face of Cornwall. The National Library of Greater Relubbus will be given access to this invaluable treasure trove of information.
On the left, we are able to show -- for the first time -- a picture of the Relubbus Roman colony, which is built around a central square, graced by a magnificent fountain. Built in the fifth century, it has been lovingly maintained by the colony ever since.
Councillor Billy Spargo of GRUC has declared that the integrity of the colony must be preserved. To that end, PC Willy Trembath has been asked to guard the entrance to the colony.
Asked how it felt to be a Roman living in Cornwall, Mr Clemo replied, "Non sum Romanus, Cornubiensis sum" -- "I am not Roman, I am Cornish."
ADVERTISEMENT
RETALLACK -- THE RADIO MAN!
Bernie Retallack is world famous for his hand-crafted radios, which are, amazingly, made entirely of wood.
In the picture below, these charming Newlyn ladies are listening to a Rainforest special, which Bernie has put together using some of the rarest rainforest woods. Some models are, because the type of wood is so rare, sadly no longer available.
Bernie’s radios have the unique advantage that they can only pick up Radio Cornwall, which is, of course, the only station worth listening to.
With Bernie’s radios, you don’t have to worry about replacing batteries or about electricity use, as each and every radio has its own nuclear power source, which is now almost completely safe -- which is why none of the ladies is shown wearing the usual Retallack anti-radiation suit.
Quality does not come cheap, so if you would like to be the proud owner of one of these Retallack radios, the starting price is £9,750 and rising according to the rarity of the woods used. Don’t hesitate -- Retallack radios have a high resale value and are seen as an investment!
There’s no better thing from Pendeen to Botallack If you want a good radio, then come to Retallack!
ANOTHER HIT FOR YOUNG WIVES!
By Arts Correspondent Rendell Janner
The play is set in the staid confines of a finishing school in Copperhouse, Hayle, where young ladies of quality and good family are sent to be polished for fine West Cornwall society life. The drama is provided when the school, staffed only by hand-picked virtuous spinsters selected by the Headmistress, Dame Violet Pearce, is struck by a mystery virus. A London specialist, Doctor Monty Viagra, holidaying in the vicinity, is called in to help.
Pictured on the left are Derek Bosallow (42) as Dr Monty Viagra, with, from the bottom left, Harriet Hicks (23) as Prudence Pengilly, Amelia Beglehole (27) as Lavinina Caddy, Dina Pollard (28) as Henrietta Tilly, Tamazine Roskilly (24) as Maria Trebilcock, and Selena Nicholls (29) as Cordelia Tregonning.
Dr Monty Viagra’s rigorous individual and often impromptu examinations of the young ladies gradually lead to a lapse in the otherwise tight moral fabric of the school. When local police investigate, it turns out that the dastardly rogue Viagra has himself deliberately caused the "virus" outbreak by poisoning the water.
Such was the success of the show that there is now talk of transferring it to the internationally famed Relubbus Playhouse.
Editorial, by THE THUNDERER
Why UDI? Why now?
Editor Sylvanus Penhaul gives the Roundup's verdict on Relubbus' unilateral declaration of independence from the UK
In his magisterial essay "An antidote to English political, cultural, and monetary imperialism", famed Cornish historian Dr Philip Prayton argues the case for a Cornish regional parliament, on the lines of the Scottish Parliament or Welsh Assembly. We do not have the space to quote at length from that document here, but we urge all our readers interested in the survival of whatever remains of our Cornish culture to read it. You can find it at http://articles.relubbusroundup.co.uk/relubbus_parliament.html .
Relubbus, always at the fore of Cornish politics, has taken the lead again. Indeed, it has gone even further than the good doctor envisaged. Unwilling to wait any longer for the chimera of a Cornish regional parliament, or for the placemen of Cornwall County Council to take decisive action, it has boldly struck out alone for full independence from England. It is a move that will create shock waves throughout Cornwall and, indeed, throughout the rest of the UK. It will undoubtedly provoke demands for the rest of Cornwall to join with Relubbus and follow suit.
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!
THE DAM BUSTERS
starring RICHARD TODD and MICHAEL REDGRAVE
1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.
ANOTHER SUCCESS FOR RELUBBUS BALLET ACADEMY!
By Ballet Correspondent Amelia Nankervis
The ballet is introduced by the Narrator, Nankervis himself, whose voice we hear, but whom we do not see. One by one, he introduces each boy and explains how each bespectacled balletist came to play a role in his romantic life.
The picture on the left shows the grand finale of the ballet, in which all the ballet dancers, separately introduced during the previous six hours, all dance together.One unquestionably magical element of this six-and-a-half-hour-long ballet is the mesmeric music, which lifts and carries us along with each and every step. Such magic can only be supplied by Percy Botheras and his triangle and, indeed, he was the sole musician throughout the performance, delivering a piece he composed himself especially for this ballet entitled Music for Tom’s Ballet.
All 31 spectators in the packed Grand Ballet House, Boswedden Lane, Relubbus, emerged from the performance dazed, dazzled, and entranced.
ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE
Derek Bosallow’s BRIGHT IDEAS
Top West Cornwall spectacle designer Derek Bosallow is hoping to strike it rich big time with his new range of funky specs, which he is launching under the name of "Bright Ideas".
Modelled here by beautiful local model, Lavinia Ungate, the new range of funky specs is available from Mr Bosallow’s consulting rooms in Bread Street, Penzance.Although this cannot be seen in the picture, the specs are linked to electrodes, which pick up the wearer's brain activity. When the wearer has a bright idea, the rim of the specs come alive with alternating red and green flashing lights and a loud buzzing noise is emitted.
Boasallow claims that many a smart office lad or lass wishing to impress an employer should wear his spectacles: "It’s all about competitive edge and my spectacles will give the youngsters all the edge they are looking for!"
POETRY CORNER
Edited by Literary Editor Emily Bindweed
We recently brought you news of the untimely death of Miss Morwenna Pellow, who was snatched from us at the age of 94.
Her sisters, the Misses Loveday (99) and Zenobia (101), pictured here in the days when they sang together as the "Cornish Songbirds", have composed a poem in honour of their sister, which we are proud to be able to publish today.
Older readers will recall with fondness the days in the 1930s when the Cornish Songbirds were a barnstorming success from Lands End all the way up to Truro. The blend of Loveday’s lilting soprano and Zenobia’s surprising bass was the hallmark of their performances, in which they were sometimes accompanied by their now sadly deceased sister, Morwenna, on the washboard.
In Memoriam
To our dear sister Morwenna, from Loveday and Zenobia
When all in the garden was lovely
And sunlight gilded the day,
It was easy then to be happy
And in brightness then to be gay.
Now life’s evening draws in upon us
We discover alas to our fright
That it’s getting so very much darker --
And for you it is already night!
Since childhood we were always together,
Grew up, lived life and got squiffy;
Don’t get lonely up there, sweet Morwenna,
For we will be up in a jiffy!
The Roundup Visits the Papua New Guinea Embassy in Relubbus
On the left we see His Excellency the Ambassador Khaswaho Baito Heiro, dressed in civvies, discussing the seating plan for the grand feast to be staged at the embassy in No.31 Boswedden Lane, Relubbus.The feasts are a special occasion in the embassy, looked forward to by everyone, since, when away from home, they do not often get the opportunity to eat "long pig". It also greatly adds to the excitement and suspense of the occasion that none of the guests know in advance who is to get the honour of receiving the golden seat. The lucky recipient is taken off at the start of the feast "for special things". No one knows what these "things" are as no one has yet returned from the great honour. Surprisingly little concern is expressed, as all have such a good time and the special dish, "long pig", once it arrives 3 hours later, is truly delicious special meat. Mr Heiro even says that they make some pasties from the "special meat".
On feast days, his Excellency wears his special outfit, as pictured on the left. He has spent some four years now in Relubbus as the Ambassador and is thrilled to have the opportunity of living amongst the Cornish. He says,"I like Kernow much and like Cornish people. They never get golden seat at feast. So far only Japanese, French, and German people have had golden seat."His Excellency has an impressive collection of heads, which are on proud display in the reception hall of the grandiose hut which houses the embassy. He has developed a love of geology during his stay in Kernow and spends many a happy hour in the countryside and around the cliffs, searching out new additions to his collection of stones, the best of which are fashioned lovingly into spear- and arrow-heads.
LONELY HEARTS waiting for you!
In our first entry this week, some readers might feel that we have overstepped the mark in catering for unusual tastes, but the Roundup is a firm believer in cultural diversity and is not judgemental about the wishes and inclinations of others.
Are you ready for 5?! On the left are 5 Cornish lovelies, all looking for one man -- to share! From the left, we have Liza Holman (59); followed, in front, by Harriet Hicks (82) and Kitty Trewelah (48); in the back row are Nanny Harvey (76) and Maddy Polgrean (61). None of these girls has been married and, being firm friends, they have decided that their excursion into relations with the opposite sex should be on the basis of "one for all and all for one". They are ideally looking for a strapping farm boy of no more than 35 years of age.
Harriet would like to try water sports and Kitty would like to try bondage, but apart from that they are game for anything. If you think you are the man for them, write to BOX 4691.
Michiko Morioka (28) works as a secretary at the Japanese Embassy in Relubbus. Having fallen in love with Cornwall, she would next like to meet a Cornishman with whom she can fall in love and settle down.Michiko has high skills in the Japanese arts of flower arranging (ikebana), paper folding (origami), and ritual tea preparation (chado). Petite and pretty and very determined about always wearing Japanese dress, she nonetheless firmly believes that her future is in Cornwall, ideally in either the Hayle Copperhouse or Camborne area. Her ideal man would be between 50 and 60, unemployed, flatulent, and corpulent. Says Michiko, "I rike charrange!"
Box 6539 is the one to write for Michiko.
Tommy Woolcock (29) is a man who likes a laugh or two. He is a bus conductor, working on the busy Penzance -- Relubbus route, but has designed his own "jolly" outfit to "keep they laughs comin’". He is pictured here with a bus full of appreciative customers. He might be able to "make ‘em laugh", but he has had a lot less luck in the girlfriend department and is looking to the Roundup to help him out.Tommy asks us to point out that he is not only a highly successful bus conductor with a great future in West Cornwall transport and a great sense of humour, but he is also a man of many other hidden parts. Cryptically, he tells us that he is anatomically different from other men, but won’t tell us how. He does tell us that he came second in the West Cornwall Controlled Screaming contest in 2002 and also came in 13th in the 2003 Marathon Whistling contest.
If you are female and willing, then Tommy would like to hear from you at Box No 7862.
Arthur Rosewarne (32), on the left of this photo, is a young man who would like to meet girls who will accept his preference for female attire, which he assures us does not make him any less of a man. He is a roofer by trade and lives in his own caravan on a site in Hayle.Arthur is a man of many parts and has built up an impressive collection of models made from his own earwax. He also has a collection of women’s underwear, taken fresh from the line. He is a keen devotee of Sturm und Drang literature, which he reads in the original. For entertainment, he likes to put out quick-acting poisoned bird food.
Arthur is a complex character, but there is someone out there for everyone and if you are the one for him, then Box No 5612 is the one for you.
IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE
- SCHOOL HEAD LASHES CORNISH LANGUAGE BOARD
- LUDGVAN LOVELIES "ABDUCTED BY ALIENS"
- ART FORGERY SHOCK! Could the pride of the Relubbus International Gallery of Modern Art, Botallack's acknowledged masterpiece, Empty Canvas, be a fake?
- MUSICAL GENIUS STRIKES HUGE AUDIENCE DUMB!
- The Roundup says "Guten Tag" to the German Embassy
- Edward Shortwave-Radio shares a moment with Roundup Readers
- 'OOS DEAD? Our popular obituaries section.
- Our socially-responsible LONELY HEARTS column.
- And much, much more!
