CHRISTMAS EDITION

A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OUR READERS!!!!

NADELIK LOWEN!!!!!

We bring you the latest Christmas news before you settle down for that special family fest that is Christmas.

Tas Nadelik overjoyed at finding lost reindeer!!

Christmas is the the busiest time of year for Tas Nadelik, or Father Christmas, and so you can imagine how dsitraught this kindly man was to discover that two of his reindeer had gone missing just when he needs them most.

Father Christmas gave us an interview at his top secret hideaway in the cold upper reaches of Mount Relubbus.

"This time o' year, I duh need tey reindeers morden ever! So when I 'eard they little ones - Poop and Fart - 'ad gone missin', I was beside meself, I kintellee!"

Thankfully, the two reindeer turned up at St Erth station, where they were found "walking around looking bewildered" by a Mr Charming and his girlfriend Alice.

Mr Charming, an unemployed prince from Goldsithney, remarked, "I took one look at they an' I knawed they wudden no cows -- particularly the one with they git 'orns!"

They queued for three hours in the telephone system of the Father Christmas Call Centre, on which they were reassured to be told how important their call was and given regular updates on which number in the queue their call was.  Eventually their call was taken by Madron Polglaze, a work experience elf, who informed Father Christmas.

Madron and his sister Demelza were then immediately despatched by Western National bus to pick up the errant reindeer and take them back to their stables on Mount Relubbus.

Mr Charming and Alice each received rich rewards in the form of a Father Christmas notebook and pencil, a yoyo, a wooden train, a jigsaw, a battery-operated nose-cleaner and a lunar-powered 3D radio in thanks for their sterling efforts.

Asked for a final comment, Father Christmas merely replied "Sum game, inna?!"

Knees Department Store Christmas mishap

Knees of Penzance are seeking a new Santa Claus to sit in their grotto after Elmer Trevains (57) of Botallack was found - and photographed -with a half-naked young lady (Tilly Bottrell, 19)  in his grotto last Thursday.

Tilly, who, according to her mother Brenda (52) is a bit simple ("tha's why we duh call she Tilly!"), pestered her mother to be allowed to go in to see Santa.

Says Brenda, "When she nevver come out after affenour, I wen in there to see wass goin' on".

A shocked Mrs Bottrell then told the Roundup - and PC Polkinghorne, who attended - that when she entered she saw her daughter in a state of undress on Mr Trevains' knee.

Quick as a flash, she whipped out her mobile and took the picture on the left so that Trevains could not deny the event.

PC Polkinghorne then marched off Trevains on a charge of molestation of a simple person.

Knees are now urgently seeking a replacement Santa Claus and jobsekers who feel up to the demanding role - and have no criminal record - are asked to present themselves tomorrow morning at 9.00 am at the store in Market Jew Street in Penzance.

Oates provides Christmas fun for Kiddies

RC Oates, the well-known and much-revered mega-multibillionnaire and philanthropist has this year once again dug deep to lay on Christmas fun for poorer children.

Mr Oates, shown here on the left, is a kindly cheery man, who is often likened to Dickens' Mr Brownlow.

He has accordingly laid on a programme of festive fun for all the children of Relubbus at the renowned Relubbus Panopticon Theatre.

Tickets will cost £15, but - if you can demonstrate that you are poor  (by, for example, having a Body Mass Index of less than 3 or by wearing no shoes) - the Oates Foundation  will cough up 37 pence per poor child, meaning that each poor child will only have to pay £14 and 63 pence to gain entry.

When questioned about the force that drives this unparalleled philanthropy, Mr Oates just smiles his well-known enigmatic and kindly smile  and speeds off in his brand new top-of-the-range S-class Mercedes to seek out further outlets for his uncontrollable philanthropic outpourings.

He has decided upon an improving entertainment programme for the children, which kicks off with an hour of Medleys on Mandolin from Giacomo and Umberto Trembath. 

The children will recognise some of the songs, particularly "Goin up Cambern 'Ill" , which is the last number, and will be expected and encouraged to join in with lusty singing.

The next act is a novelty act performed by Bersaba and Morwenna Penhaligon, two sisters who were brought up speaking no other langauge but Kernewek.

The two sisters have perfected a brilliant stand-up routine in Middle Cornish, which they deliver interspersed with delightful bursts of Cornish song. This lasts for two hours and is guaranteed to both entertain and educate the kiddies.

The final hour is taken up with Idris the Indicator from Newlyn.

This talented performer entertains the audience with the adroit use of his dexterous digit, which he uses to 'indicate' various objects.

The first child to correctly guess the object indicated is rewarded with a hard-boiled sweet.

The game continues with the sweet always being passed on to the next correct guesser. 

It is amazing that even after an hour of exciting games with the sweet being passed from one mouth to another it is still the same size as when it was first fished out of Idris's pocket.

Where it comes from is a closely guarded secret - the everlasting secret.  Idris will only let on that it comes from Newlyn and that "youkun get loads o' them there in diffrunt sizes!"

The editor would like to wish all readers set to enjoy roast badger, as he is, a most flavoursome Christmas!

CHARACTERS AROUND RELUBBUS

JJ Jago

Tremethick Cross is the sort of place you could coast through quickly almost without noticing as you speed from the metropolitan grandeur of Penzance on the way to the infamous fleshpots of St Just, to the fine dining and quaffing offered by the landlady at Newbridge, or simply to the tense gambling haunts of Pendeen.

Yet to do so would be to miss one of the hidden jewels, one of the best-kept secrets of West Penwith.  For amongst the small cluster of habitations that make up this cosy hamlet is one lodged in by none other than the legendary Jimmy Jago.  

The colourful 'JJ', shown here on the right of the photo with three of his devoted acolytes, is a man of many parts, many of which almost fit.

 Many know "JJ" as the former St Erth Creamery worker, as the bar-room raconteur, as the purest lady-bait, as the Kernow-wide famous petard extraordinaire, as the passionate advocate of the rights of nude chess players, as the champion of the freedoms of those exploring inter-species relations between humankind and hedgehogs, but just how many also knew that JJ started out life as a woman?!

The Roundup can reveal, with JJ's permission, that for the first 28 years of his life JJ was, in fact, Jennifer Angwin (pictured).

The Three Plumbers

Opera has (or had) 'The Three Tenors' and Marazion has 'The Three Plumbers', who are, in fact, also three brothers.  They are Sidney (79), Clarence (81), and Hedley (83) Clemo.  The boys, who still live with their long-widowed mother, Temperance (109), in Goldsithney, all still work.

As Hedley says, "Maither tole we that we gotta work slongas she duh work.  She's still cookin' fer we an' she duh do eour washin' anall, so we boys gotta wait bit till we duh retire!"

The boys still attend the Sunday School at Marazion Methodist Chapel and the highlight of their year still remains the annual charabanc ride to Praa Sands for the Annual Sunday School Tea Treat.  Says Sidney, "Sum ansum ee is too, you duh git bottla pop and git saffern bun!  We duh forward to un, I kintellee."

Despite their professional pre-occupation with water systems, the trio are, when it comes to personal ablutions, ardent practitioners of water conservation.  All three roundly abjure the wastefulness of bathing and showering and instead prefer to 'freshen up' with just a light sprinkle of water on the face each week.  Clarence, enveloped in a carefully cultivated protective mist of miasmic whiff, proclaimed, "Jugga water duh last we a month, boy!"

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE

The runaway comedy hit "I beg your pardon!" now showing at the Relubbus Panopticon at the end of fashionable Boswedden Lane has just entered its amazing 14th week.

However, the show has proved such a knockout success with the Cornish public of all ages that its run at the 10,000 seat theatre has been extended for a further two weeks.

People have been coming from as far as Helston, Falmouth and even Truro to view Pendeen-born Wesley B. Behenna's comedic masterpiece about the Nance family, whose life is set in Colinsey Road, Penzance.

The cast are, from the left, Mr Spinks, played by Horton Treloar (25), Mr Wakfer, played by Madron Tregenza (31), cheeky Mrs Spinks, played by Phoebe Polkinghorne (24) and Mrs Wakfer, played by Lamorna Trevorrow (19).

Mr Spinks is seen holding Brathky, the farting dog, who is central to much of the humour in this 5 hour play.

If you haven't seen it - or if you are one of those who wish to see it again and again, hurry to get your ticket now!  Single ticket £112.  Two person ticket £250.  Family ticket (admitting one person only) just £500.

TEENAGERS TO VOTE ON RELUBBUS' MOST POPULAR SONG

Youngsters in and around Relubbus will surely be thrilled to have the opportunity of selecting their most favourite popular song at a special Youngsters' Gala night at the internationally renowned Relubbus Panopticon Theatre next Saturday night.

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo (108) has helped the youngsters by selecting for them eight all time greats from which to choose their favourite song and the eight greats are:

1. I do like to be beside the seaside
2. Goin' up Cambern 'ill
3. I'm Henery the Eighth I am
   
4. Where did you get that hat?
5. Hello! Hello! Who's your lady friend?
6. Hold your hand out naughty boy!
7. It's a long way to Tipperary
8. Waiting at the Church

The songs will be performed by two alternating groups, both well-known to the young Cornish audience - namely The Nancledra Black and White Gay Barber Shop Quartet and the Kkenidjack Kkernewek Kkemmyn Kkaraokke Ensemble (with ever popular organ soloist Onan Weebles).

Smart money in internet betting circles seems to indicate that "Goin up Cambern 'ill" is the runaway favourite.

The event is open to any youngsters between the age of 15 and 21. The Panopticon can accomodate 40,000 people and the event is expected to be packed out on the night.

Girls will sit on the left of the theatre and the boys will sit on the right, whilst the gangway between them will be patrolled by members of the Young Methodist Women's League against 'Goings on'.

Councillor Spargo has asked that the doors be opened at 3.30 pm to let the audience in so that the four hour event will be over in good time to allow the youngsters to get home early to bed for Chapel next morning.

The compere of the event will be the all-time kiddies' favourite Mr Pastry, pictured here far left.

However, everyone is expecting Pinky and Perky to put in an appearance as well to amuse the boys and girls.

The two little piggies seem to have a cult status amongst the young folk of Relubbus.

We asked some youngsters what they thought about this superb entertainment event.


Christine Slut, a 19 year old self-employed 'pole dancer' from Sancreed, said, "Well, it makes a change from walking the streets, so I'm up for it!"


Nigel Botheras, a 20 year old trolley operative apprentice from Pendeen said, "If it means a free bus out of Pendeen, I'm yer man!"


Kerensa Trewhela, a 21 year old 'junya' from the Relubbus branch of the internationally renowned Shelley's Hair and Beauty said, "Luvlee! When all they people duh see my 'air, they might as' me to do theirs too!"

Of course, the Roundup will be there to report on this Youngsters' event of the year.










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ANGRY DRAMA STUDENTS DEMAND THEIR MONEY BACK

Marazion Impresario, Ivan Organ, (52) is facing a class legal action in the Relubbus courts from 1,000 angry drama students from around West Penwith who were seduced into parting with £500 each to become registered as an ‘Organ Extra’.

Organ, pictured left, achieved international recognition for his undoubted skills as a clapper board operator in Relubbus TV export favourites such as Emergency Ward 9; Mr Pasty; The Nighttime Adventures of the Lonely Ranger with his partner, Rio Tinto; Monday Night at the Relubbus Panopticon and Bollocks from Botallack, the intriguing and popular late night Arts talk show for naturists.

Organ's career had fallen into something of a lull and he had been forced into working as a car part attendant in the field opposite the Mount in order to make ends meet. He then decided to set up a business supplying extras to the Relubbus media industry, in which his clapper board has made him a known face. He targeted the aspiring stars and starlets of West Penwith.

Plausibly, he explained to them all that they could not expect to begin their acting careers as high earners in Hollywood. Firstly, they would need to gain valuable experience and the easiest way to do this would be by working as an extra. As he maintains now, he could - and he did - provide them with valuable work experience.

The aggrieved would-be stars maintain that they have gained no media experience at all.

Mr Organ’s legal representative, Mr M. T. Head, pictured left, roundly dismissed such claims.

He declared, in a written statement, “Mr Organ procured an opportunity for all 1,000 students to work as extras in the crowd during the recent Cornish Pirates versus Relubbus rugby match. This match was broadcast over Relubbus radio and eight listeners have testified to the fact that, beneath the running commentary, they could distinctly hear crowd noises. It cannot be denied that some of these noises will have been made by the extras. Accordingly, Mr Organ has kept his word and given them all media exposure as promised.”

Margot Lesquick (21) currently a trainee hairdresser but also an aspiring starlet and an 'Organ Extra' declared, tearfully chewing on her cigar, "That bleddy bastard ‘ave took all my savin’s! I'm worried silly I am and my enty duh say that I duh now look 60 year older!

"We all ‘ad to pay to get in to see that rugby too - which I duh ‘ate anyway – an’ we weren’t never on the telly or nuthin. We were mixed in with the rugby crowd and no one couldn’t never ‘ear me. My Dad’s gunna find out where Organ duh live and ee’s goin roun there to giv’un a bleddy smack in the mouth!!”

It emerged that Mr Organ has decamped to France, where he is staying at Chateau NatWest with an old business acquaintance, Sir Fred Goodwin (a man regarded by many as a similar robber), until things cool down a bit.

The Roundup will pursue this story further.

BIG FORTHCOMING VILE EVENT!

The RELUBBUS PANOPTICON theatre is proud to be able to present a two year season of CURT VILE and his 500 strong Kazoo orchestra.

The performances will take place 6 times a day non-stop for the next 730 days (with extra performances over Christmas, New Year and Bank Holidays!!).

Although the PANOPTICON seats 20,000 people at a time, you are advised to book now early so as to avoid disappointment.

Curt, pictured here on the left at the start of his prolific career only 85 years ago, will be conducting all of the shows AND singing all of the songs, which are, of course, his own compositions.

These are just some of the old favourites he will be singing for you:
_______________________________________________________________
I’ve got the time, I’ve got the place, but it’s hard to find the girl, Olivia!

My wife’s friend’s sister’s old blue hat

Just pass me that bucket right now!

What I wouldn’t do - for a woman just like you

My tiepin fell down through the plughole in the sink

And afterwards I shake it three times gently
_______________________________________________________________

Seats - Stalls £150 Circle £250 Dress Circle £450

Curt Vile playing old favourites for the young at heart!!

Concerts sponsored by RELUBBUS AIRWAYS

ADVERTISEMENT

RELUBBUS AIRWAYS OFFERS 1 MILLION SEATS FOR JUST £1 ONE WAY!!!!

Air Travel Crisis? What Air Travel Crisis??!! Ryanair – eat your heart out!!

Yes, the next 1 million seats will be sold for just £1 ONE WAY**

RELUBBUS AIRWAYS with its fleet of 10,000 2 seater bi-planes – each manned by a fully-trained pilot and a nurse/stewardess (like the dream craft pictured left) fly all over the world from RELUBBUS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT and are waiting to whisk you away on the flight of your dreams!

Remember, we fly at heights of up to 1,000 feet in all weathers and so passengers are requested to wear a warm coat, gloves and hat with strap.

Lavish in flight refreshments (a sealed flask of hot BOVRIL and two Jacobs Cream Crackers) are served by our stewardess to each of the two passengers.

For longer flights, such as those to Australia, additional crackers may be made available.

These reduced flights will soon go, so don’t delay, book today!!!!

**Flights back home should be booked with the cheap £1 outward flight to avoid the 750,000% surcharge. Without surcharge, flight back from Newquay just £345, from Paris £12,567 and from Canberra £69,500.

WONDER DOG CAN TALK!!

Relubbus Central Veterinary Hospital has been thrilled by the achievements of its very latest "patient".

'Colenso' (pictured here on the left) is a representative of a very rare Cornish breed of dog, the Sancreed Sloucher, which is typified by very thin legs and a very large head. The Sloucher is believed to be the descendant of those ancient Celtic war hounds that so terrified the Roman legionaries.

However, in Colenso's case the characteristics are extremely strongly pronounced, giving him an enormous head (5 feet in diameter) and painfully thin legs, which are barely capable of supporting his head, which accounts for 8 of his 9 stone in weight.

In fact, it was his difficulty in keeping his head up that brought him into hospital in the first place. The problem was solved by putting his head in a cushioned and supportive little frame on wheels.

Doctor Horton Bolitho, director of the hospital, said "Little Colenso has won over all the nurses with his cute and winsome ways. Once you get over the imbalance between head and body, he begins to look very cute. Also, the fearsome characteristics which so worried the Romans have been bred out of the breed over the centuries.

However, the most miraculous thing that we have discovered about little Colenso is that he is capable of speech. His very large head has given him a voicebox capable of human-like speech and a significant brain, which has enabled him to understand human speech and to use it himself".

Astounded nurses came across Colenso reciting rhyming couplets to himself when he thought no one was listening.

After several weeks the Roundup was admitted to the hospital and allowed to interview Colenso, who spoke as follows:

"Actually I am quite pissed off about that bugger Bolitho saying that I have got a big head. I mean -- have you seen the size of his big bonce??!! Its a bit of a bleddy cheek! I insist that, if you print a picture of me, you also print a picture of that bighead Bolitho!!""

Never wishing to mislead or disappoint, we print here on the left a picture of Dr Bolitho, who, we do have to admit, does possess a head which is far larger than can be considered normal.

Indeed, he seems to be cranially super-charged, but, unlike Colenso, does not appear to be compensated by an unusually high intelligence.

Colenso, who has quickly learnt to read since entering hospital, has most recently taken to wearing a bow tie and has become a keen crossword solver, able to complete the Times crossword in under four minutes.

Now that he has got some sensible support for his head, Colenso is thinking of leaving hospital and getting a job. Rather fancying Fiona Bruce, Colenso would like to become her newscasting partner and believes that, as the world's only talking dog, he must have an excellent chance of success.

Before leaving for London to apply for a job alongside Fiona -- for whom he could woof all night long! -- he will be appearing "in conversation" at the Relubbus Panopticon Theatre next Monday and Tuesday evenings. Tickets are available from £95 each.

YES, IT'S COMPETITION TIME AGAIN!!!!!!

Readers rejoice!! It is another chance for you, our READERS, to win fabulous prizes!!

Regular patrons of the Relubbus Panopticon will immediately recognise this picture of the fabulously talented Zelda Barncoose (29) of Zennor, playing her zither, while her devoted husband, Jimmy (32), a butcher from St Just, beats out the tune with his hat upon her head.

The all-important question is, "WHAT TUNE IS SHE PLAYING?" The Editor would like, at this point, to insist that Miss Bernice Pierce of St Clare, Penzance, does not write in again (for the 93rd time) to state that the tune is "Camberne 'Ill". The only clue we are giving is that the song is NOT Camberne 'Ill.

So the first step towards winning any prize is guessing which tune Zelda is playing.

Regular readers, especially those from Dar Es Salaam, will be well aware that supplying that one answer will not be enough to win the prizes. No one knows that better than the Editor's 3-year-old niece, Loveday, who has won many of the prizes for the past 6 years. "Prizes", I hear you say, "what might these be?"

First prize this time is nothing less than this sparkling, brand-new 2008 Cornish Avenger car, pictured on the left. Available only in sea-green with pink go-faster stripes, this motor will be the envy of all your friends, equipped as it is with the very latest in gizmos.

We cannot name them all but, for instance, the driver's door has a handle that enables you to lower or raise the window, thus adjusting the condition of the air in the car. We call this "air-conditioning" -- just watch other car-makers imitate it!

In another groundbreaking development, the front windscreen is equipped with a "wiper" which wipes away rain, enabling the driver to motor safely through thunderstorms. So, at a stroke, gone are the days when you couldn't drive in the rain.

In every model of the the Avenger there is also a transistor radio taped to the back window, which is capable of picking up not only Radio Cornwall, but also Radio Caroline, for those of you who like racey music. You can change between the two channels at the flick of a switch, although, of course, you do need a friend in the back seat to flick the switch for you.

Hidden in the glove department is a coin-operated, fruit-flavoured-condom dispenser for the many James Bond moments that are bound to arise in a car of this calibre. The dispenser operates on Lithuanian litas coins and offers three favourite Lithuanian fruit flavours -- blueberry, gooseberry, and loganberry.

In addition to the driver's seat, there is now also an UPHOLSTERED passenger seat, which will provide unheard-of comfort for the little lady in your life!! In the back, the plank has now been planed so that no splinters will ever again give discomfort to your passengers.

The engine is a technologists' dream, representing the very latest in advanced automotive engineering from Trevaskis Motors!! The engine runs on the excreta of the Tasmanian Wolf. This has the advantage that it is very eco-friendly, but labours a trifle under the disadvantage that the Tasmanian Wolf (and hence its droppings) has been in short supply for a good few decades. The lucky winner and driver need have no fears though, as a a full two days fuel (for four miles in total) will be supplied FREE!!.

We could wax lyrical about the Avenger for hours , but must stop somewhere. Suffice it to say that the car boot OPENS, enabling you to use the full 1 foot square space for any luggage you may wish to carry.

Now that you are all salivating with eagerness to own this mean machine, and assuming that you have the correct answer to question one, you need only know the answer to the second question to gain the keys to the Cornish Avenger.

Well, it is not so much a question as a task, which you must successfully complete. TRANSLATE THE FOLLOWING INTO KERNEWEK:
Note: You must use the very latest SWF spelling! Entries in Unified Cornish or even Kemmyn will automatically be disqualified.

"With a methodical and relentless thoroughness, he probed each corner and nook and cranny of his most capacious nose until he found it. Then, he extracted his finger and held the gleaming prize before her eyes. She was so thrilled by the sight that she knew then that she would do anything for this man. She sat there transfixed. It sat there, gleaming upon his finger, a bewitching wash of colours, of greens, of purples, of blues -- how could one nose produce so many emblems of colour?"

Okay, so you have won the car. What else could you win?

Special times call for special prizes - and NOTHING could be more special than this! Behold a new creation from Nancledra!! It is the SAXOBOGGA!

It successfully combines the amatory with the lavatory, hitting all the necessary low notes, one after another. On the open market, this new miracle of the musical world would cost some £75,000 (with plumbing costs extra!).

Picture the scene! You are the new musical maestro. Your beloved is seated upon the throne, beset, alas, with problems of a hideously noisome and gaseous nature which nothing but the muse of music can release. You and she can blow together in happy unison...

Yes, but to win this miraculous musical machine, you must first answer the following question correctly:

Which of the two, Julia or Andrew, will first leave the shabby pee-perfumed limelight of the Liberal Democrats and truly speak for Cornwall?

Of course, if your knowledge is deeper than that of our questioner and you give a name other than that of the sweet Julia or the sainted Andrew and you name a person who does then lay down their name for Cornwall at Westminster, then you may name your own prize within our country.

Finally, as is customary with all our competitions, entries will only be valid (and, therefore, read) if accompanied by £20,000 in used notes. So, what are you waiting for??? Get writing!!

RELUBBUS TO HOST BAYREUTH WAGNERFEST!!

By Literary and Theatre Correspondent Emily Bindweed

For the first time in its history, the annual Wagner festival traditionally held at Bayreuth in Germany is to be held in Cornwall -- in fact, in Relubbus. Two productions -- Tristan und Isolde and Der fliegende Holländer (The Flying Dutchman) -- are to be staged in Relubbus.

Speaking at the Panopticon theatre in Boswedden Lane yesterday, the director of the Bayreuth Festspielhaus, Herr Doktor Hans Flick, was enthusiastic about the move:

"Cornwall is the natural place in which to stage Tristan und Isolde. After all, this greatest of European love stories is set here, and it will be a privilege for us to bring the opera back to its roots.

"And our Cornish production of Der fliegende Holländer will be the greatest ever staged! We are going to put it on, at night, at the Minack theatre, on the cliffs above Porthcurno. However, our "killer" ingredient is that we shall wait for a storm force 12 -- hurricane force -- before staging the opera. And, at the climax of the production, we shall have a three-masted "tall ship", with sails torn, be buffeted by the 60 foot waves towards the terrible granite cliffs.

The Minack theatre at night

"Unfortunately, everyone is bound by Health and Safety regulations these days. However, by employing only a skeleton crew of experienced sailors we hope to keep loss of life to a minimum. We shall, of course, have a helicopter from RNAS Culdrose standing by (assuming it is able to fly in these conditions)."

Herr Flick went on to say that it was a little known fact that Richard Wagner visited Cornwall in his youth, as a young merchant seaman on the schooner Holländer. He was wrecked in ferocious seas off Lamorna, rescued by breeches-buoy, and taken to Newlyn, where he met and fell in love with local girl "Shingles" Bodinnar. It was this experience that was his inspiration in writing Der fliegende Holländer.

Richard Wagner as a young merchant seaman

EXCLUSIVE: "WILLIAM WALES" ENJOYS RELUBBUS HIGHLIFE

Roundup Diarist Madron Killigrew lifts the veil off Relubbus Society
By day, man-about-town Madron Killigrew (32) is a shopping trolley collector at the RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus, but every evening he is the "must have" guest at soirees, parties, functions, launches and social occasions of every kind throughout Relubbus.

As he is such a well-connected young man, constantly in and out of the best addresses in fashionable Boswedden Lane, he is the natural choice to write our Society Diary...

Pictured here are no strangers to the upmarket Coke Bar in Lower Boswedden Lane -- Willy Wales (32), heir to the English throne, accompanied by his latest squeeze, Kate Middleton (29).

Willy is a keen motor bike rider and purchased this mean machine from Long Rock Speedsters. Each bike comes with four free packets of Wills Woodbines, and Willy manfully draws a lungful while he poses for this picture.

Kate playfully calls Willy "Bratwurst" to remind him of his family's German origins, while Willy playfully calls Kate "doors to manual" to remind her of her mum's job before she struck lucky.



Pictured yesterday as they strode along to the Karl Lagerfeld fashion show being held at the Boswedden Lane Upper Kwop are, on the left, Jade Goody (44), with devoted admirer John Todd (29), who plays Tonto in the popular Lone Ranger series now showing on Relubbus television.

John and Jade have already had seven children, but are believed to be trying for another, as Jade would like nothing better than to have a "little red injun" child.

The family fortunes have slumped somewhat in the recent past following the death of various people who have been trying Jade's slimming products. Whilst they certainly help fatties shed the pounds, it seems they also induce rapid heart failure. Says Jade, "Oh well, back to the drawing board!"

Startled by our hotshot photographer Horton Baragwaneth, the latest Mrs Sarkozy, voluptuous Carla Bruni (45), is shown here coming out of Daphne Tregonning's hairdresser's in Boswedden lane, Relubbus. The former Ms Bruni used to have her hair done at Shelleys Hair and Beauty in St Just. Wanting to treat herself to something really special for her wedding, she went to Daphne Tregonning's for a hairdo and special body makeover -- and never looked back.

Mere mortals thinking of giving themselves the "Tregonning treatment" in order to look just like Carla are reminded that a hairdo alone at Daphne's costs £2.99, whilst the full body makeover costs a further £1.39. Better save up, girls!

Vic Pengelly (35) is pictured here at his wedding to budding and pouting Relubbus film starlet, Agnes Trevorrow (39).

Pengelly, the dreamboat manager of the Relubbus Labour Exchange was always believed to have been a Boots-bag-carrying icon of the West Penwith gay movement, often seen exiting the Morrab Gardens gents' toilets, while Miss Trevorrow was always regarded as being his "beard".

There was stunned reaction throughout the West Penwith gay community at the announcement of his wedding. The happy couple are thrilled with this picture, which they have chosen to be the official picture of their happy event.

Pictured on the left are the famous Sennen Cove juggling trio, the Menheniot Brothers, pictured outside their caravan with their widowed mother Bathsheba (108).

The boys all work at the St Erth Creamery. From right to left are Tommy (42), Zeke (51), and Archilaus (62). Archilaus only last week got out of prison, where he was serving a 4 year sentence for various instances of indecency. He has now removed the offending elements from his part of the juggling act.

The boys will be performing live at the Relubbus Panopticon theatre all next week.