RELUBBUS ROUNDUP BIRTHDAY NEWS

 BIRTHDAY BOYS!!

The famous Tregavarah triplets - Abelard, Archilaus and Aardvark Angwin - are 50 years old today. 

Their parents have sadly passed on, but their Enty, Mrs Audrey Addicoat (94) of Gwavas Estate, was thrilled to be asked a few words about them by our reporter.

Putting her teeth in specially, she said,"My sister, Agnes, wudda bin sum proud of er boys, if she were ere neow!  After a few false starts, they boys is proper gents."

Abelard runs a thriving roadside grocery stall in the layby at Grumbla next to the Tremethick Cross turn-off. He says proudly, "I duh oney sell tattees and turnick!" 

Many people pass this way on route to their work in bustling Tremethick Cross or in the City of London or even in Wall Street, New York.

They always make a point of stopping to have a chat with Abelard and to buy a few of his potatoes and swedes (in Cornish 'turnick').  Apart from the splendid quality of his vegetables, which are eaten raw and unwashed by City-working health aficionados, another big draw is the opportunity to use pre-decimal currency, since Archilaus uses and accepts nothing else on his stall.

He opens at 3.00 am to catch the Wall Street-bound New York traffic and closes at 1.00 am to pick up trade from late night clubbers coming home from their revels in Tremethick Cross.

His brother, Archilaus, is a gentlemen's outfitter now specialising solely in taking inside leg measurements.  Rather than operating his own business premises, he travels, on his penny farthing bike, from one gents' outfitter's to another to provide this specialist service for others too shy to undertake this intimate service.  As he proudly boasts, "I doubt there iddena inside leg measurement in the olla Wes' Cornwall I ebben took!"

He is pictured here on the left, 'practising' on a young lady on the beach, just before she slapped him.

Aardvark, called by the other two 'the runta the litter', has had a somewhat less settled past and has been obliged to spend several spells at Her Majesty's pleasure for a string of repeated offences. 

Now, finally banned from working with small animals again, he is seeking to build up a fresh career in door-to-door sales of home-made wooden sunglasses.

The boys - all still single and available -have celebrated their happy day together by going out to share a slap-up meal at the Queen's Hotel on the Prom in Penzance.

IT IS CHRIS'S BIRTHDAY TOO!!

Chris Kelynack from Heamoor is 49 years old today.  Chris moved here 'frumup pas' Truru' some years back and no one is entirely sure whether this enigmatic person is male or female.

Chris is a freelance taxidermist working from home and derives a real pleasure - as well as a handsome income - from preserving deceased animals, usually beloved pets.

Chris has an unusual approach to this task and is setting something of a trend  by focussing on preserving only the skin of the animal and then filling it up with helium gas. so that it floats balloon-like.

Chris also attaches an Ipod pouch to the animals, so that the owners can listen to recordings of their loved ones or simply play music.

Chris is now applying to the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) for permission to treat deceased humans in this way so that loved ones can have them float around the room jabbering away just like they used to.

Chris celebrated the birthday in a very odd way, but despite the weird noises, would not explain what it involved.

WHAT HAPPENED TO LITTLE MAVIS??!!

Mavis Tergonning of Alverton Estate, Penzance, was 5 years old yesterday.  The little darling girl is the apple of her parents' eyes and, as her doting father says, "There idden nuthin we wooden do fer she!  Ansum she is too!"

So it was that at 9.30 yesterday morning the little girl took possession of the pet alligator that she always dreamed of having.  She named the animal "Alli" and rode him off to the playing field behind the Pirate pub. 

This moment was captured on camera by the proud parents and then put on immediate display on the mantelpiece in the front room.

However, the parents began to get concerned when little Mavis failed to come home.  Said distraught mother, Avril Tregonning, "I gotta bit wurried when she never come ome fer er danner.  But I thought 'she's out avinna bit fun wither lill pet.  We'll leave she be a bit longer.

"Then when she nevver come ome fer er tea, I said to Derrick, my usbant, I said to un, I said, 'Ere, Derrick, she ebben come ome yet - you goin out to look fer the maid, aree?"

Derrick set off to explore and, although he found the alligator burping contentedly in a corner of the field, he could find no trace of the girl. 

Mavis was nowhere to be found.  Police were then called in to investigate.  All are baffled by the disappearance.

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OPIE FINDS OIL!

Colonel Zennor P. Opie (57), celebrated Relubbus military man, explorer, tracker and noted animal and human scatologist, is in the news yet again after his return from a successful expedition to the hitherto unexplored and much feared Segh (or Sygh; spellings vary depending on the Kernewek orthography used. Ed.) desert,  north east of Relubbus.  He brings with him astounding news of huge oil finds.

Opie's unorthodox attitudes have led to his growing notoriety throughout his prestigious career.  It all started very young.

As a very young boy, he took a rapid dislike to his left leg.  With an early display of the kind of resolve which was to make him famous, he decided simply to ignore it for the rest of his life.  Holding it up at bended knee, he had paid no further attention to it ever since, much preferring to hop everywhere, thereby earning the nickname 'Oppy' Opie.

This preference for hopping did not disadvantage him in any way.  At school, he regularly won various races from the 100 yards sprint right through to the marathon, all achieved by his dogged and highly spirited hopping on his ever more powerful right leg.

'Oppy's unusual talents have led him to develop other innovative preoccupations, some of which have found enormous and grateful resonance within an appreciative Relubbus public.

A primary example of this can be found in the Sancreed Semaphore Male Voice Choir.  This fine body of men performs well-known songs - in complete and utter silence - using just semaphore to spell out the words. 

'Oppy proudly leads the choir positioned right at the front using his distinctive baritone semaphore style.  Occasionally he stops 'singing' in order to turn to conduct the choir.

The Semaphore Choir has performed all over Relubbus and has even been booked to play at the St John's Hall in Penzance.

'Oppy is also responsible for leading Councillor Billy Spargo's personal bodyguard, which, as pictured here, is an all female squad recruited entirely in and around Prospidnick, where personal loyalty to Spargo is at its fanatical fiercest.

The 120 young ladies, who can apply their make-up in less than one hour, are all trained to kill.  At any one time, 12 of them are on duty to protect Councillor Spargo and to ensure his personal freshness.

Today, after an expedition lasting some 57 days, 'Oppy has emerged - alone - from the dreaded Segh desert.  All 65 of his support camels had sadly perished in the remorselessly parched desert and he was down to his last bottle of water, when his well-known frame was observed hopping - somewhat wearily - out from the sand.

His thrilling news - backed up by painstaking observations and photographic evidence - is that oil abounds in the Segh desert, in places actually forming pools  on the surface.  Experts have already analysed the initial evidence and believe that Relubbus might possess more than ten times the amount of oil found in Saudi Arabia.

Councillor Billy Spargo (109) was unavailable for comment, since he had gone to spend the week on the Maldives accompanied only by his entire corps of bodyguards.

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Bearded Doris and the all-girl Grumbla Ukelele band.

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LONELY HEARTS OF WEST PENWITH

The Roundup justly prides itself for bringing about, through these introduction pages, some 54% of all the weddings in West Penwith. Despite this mighty achievement, there remain folk who still yearn for that perfect partner and we feature some of them in this issue and, in so doing, visit some of the more exclusive places in this part of the world.

Boskednan is a fine fair place for a young lady to grow up in. For the past 24 years, it has nurtured one of the most delicate and rare feminine flowers in West Penwith – Graeme (29). Graeme is the daughter of local farmer Anthill Polkinghorne (72) and his wife, Polly (64).

Graeme was educated at West Cornwall School for Gentlewomen and attended Nancealverne University, where she read books and cross stitch.

Graeme plays ukelele and has two goldfish of which she is very fond. She is deeply interested in ancient Egypt and has invented a family boardgame “Name that Glyph’, which requires 42 players and has the added spice of possible execution for losing adults (children lose just a finger or tooth).

She describes herself as ‘just a home girl really’. She is looking for a ‘real man’ to love her, but coyly points out that he need only have one ball, as she has two of her own. Boskednan 205.

Grumbla is a relatively quiet place of just some 45,000 souls. However, it is also the unlikely home of Janet, a unique experiment in procreation entered into by former Vice President of the USA, Dick Cheney.

Agnes Jago agreed some 25 years ago to accept, for an undisclosed fee, the offspring of Mr Cheney and his ‘ginger monkey’ (we believe an orang utang) and to bring said offspring up as her own.

Cheney did not want news of his dalliance with ‘Borneo monkeys’ to damage the progress of his political journey. Ms Jago has lovingly brought up young Janet as her own.

Now 18 years old, Janet would like to experience love and life outside the one up one down home she has called her own since birth. She is a gifted xylophonist and is very sparing indeed in the use of toilet paper – she would like to meet someone with similar values. Grumbla 396

Bojewyan is the home of 19 year old dream girl, Shazzer Treneere, who works as a life guard on Sennen beach during the summer and works as a lap dancer during the winter.

Shazzer says that her busy life has so far not allowed the magical window of romance to open for her, but she dreams of having her own “li’l ‘ome up ‘Eamoor and a ‘usbant, what duh come ‘ome punctual every evenin’, not like they pissed bastards, what duh come into the club.”

Shazzer has a GCSE pass in biology and would ideally like to become a doctor. She is an avid collector of dandelions, which she dries and preserves in books. She so far has a collection of over 450 such books. Bojewyan 402

Brane is where you will find local entrepreneur, Nigel (Nige) Nance (39). Nige is very honest about the unorthodox way in which he earns his living – he is a house-breaker.

However, he proudly claims that he has never been a burden on the state. He has never claimed benefits of any kind, he has never been ill and – most importantly – he has never been caught.

Nige likes to relax over a few beers with his mates, with whom he often engages in farting competitions (see picture) – for money . In his own little circle, he is regarded as something of a success. What would make his life complete is a good little woman who would be waiting for him when he comes home in the morning after a hard and careful night’s work. Brane 551

Formerly of Queens, New York, but now in Kerris you will find jazz affionado Clarence Ferris-Perris (31). Clarence is a passionate and gifted gazoo and triangle player and, for the past seven years, he has been building his own giant trombone from beach driftwood.

Attracted to Kernow by the fact that his favourite psychoanalyst came to live here, Clarence makes a living by servicing and repairing gramophone players and by 'tuning' triangles.

As far as sports go, he is a devotee of ‘extreme ironing’ and takes in his neigbours’ washing in order to pursue his sport. Clarence would like to meet a lady prepared to share all his interests, including ‘Angela’, a doll for which he paid a lot of money some years back. Kerris 566

Trethewey is the home of Sister Loveday (27) of the Experimental Abbey for Boys and Girls of the Fundamentalist Methodist Persuasion. Loveday’s name was put down at the Abbey by her ultra-devout parents some three years before her birth.

A talented break-dancer, who achieved Kernow-wide acclaim for her inspired and spirited (and X rated) dance interpretation of the Rolling Stones’ hit “(I can’t get no) Satisfaction”, she has been given special dispensation to find a young man with whom to have some kiddies, before returning to nunning full time. Trethewey 901




Boleigh is where Willy Botheras (24) can usually be found. However, he has chosen to send in a snap of himself on his dream holiday in Trivandrum in India, where, after gaining a pretty impressive tan, he has just been mowing the lawn, wearing nothing but his underpants, because of the unbearable heat.

At home, Willy is a SWEB meter reader and, in his spare time, plays left right out for crack West Penwith football team, Richmond Rangers.

Willy would like to meet a man or woman, who would like to meet him to while away evenings on jigsaw puzzles. Boleigh 392

Castallack is home to romantic gas fitter Tommy Penrose (34). He lives alone in a cosy caravan equipped with one double-glazed window and an unusual home-made stabledoor arrangement.

Tommy has no teeth and this seems to have reduced his chances with the ladies. Accordingly, he would like meet a young woman aged between 16 and 106, who also has no teeth and therefore won’t mind his lack of mouth gear.

Tommy eats only tomato soup for every meal and he hopes that his new lady will help him explore other soups. Castallack 723