CELEBRITIES SPEAK OUT AGAINST THE NEW UNITARY AUTHORITY!

The Cartwrights of BONANZA (the hit Relubbus TV programme) – Ben, Adam, Hoss and Little Joe -- will be at the Wimpy Bar in Market Jew Street, Penzance next Monday between 10.00 am and 12.00 noon to sign autographs of their new book “5,456 reasons to oppose the Unitary Authority in Truro”.

The Cartwrights, who bought a ranch out near St Buryan back in 1964, are aid to be "mighty displeased" about the introduction of the Unitary Authority.

Ben Cartwright said that he had felt very well served by Penwith District Council, which offered a realistically local level of interaction between Council and people. The way things were going they might just have to saddle up and head out to Truro for a shoot-out with Lavery, the new Sheriff they do not like.

An alternative action would be to remove to the remit of the Greater Rubbus Urban Council (GRUC), which is led by the inspired leader, Billy Spargo (105).

Ernest Hemingway is usually reported as having sadly taken his own life in 1961. However, there are people in Morvah, who maintain that this is simply not so.

Now reportedly a reclusive but still very active writer living on the outskirts of Morvah, Hemingway is said to have produced several new books.

Amongst them are “To have a Unitary Authority and to have not Unity”, “The Bell Tolls for the Unitary Authority” and “A Farewell to the Unitary Authority.”

Meanwhile, in Urbs Relubbana, the miraculously surviving Roman colony in Cornwall, another mighty voice is raised – no less than that of Marcus Porcius Cato Uticensis. Once believed to have died long ago in 46 BC, this tenacious old man is in fact apparently still holding on in Urbs Relubbana.

After a distinguished career as a Stoic philosopher, politician and statesman, he is now working as a tour guide in the Roman colony and is said to be doing very well on it too.

In a surprise announcement he said, “Lavery non est probus. Lavery scelestus est!” This is believed to be a reference to the super-generous remuneration paid to the CEO of the new Cornwall Council, who earns more than the Prime Minister of Britannia. Cato is also believed to be angered that the will of Cornish voters was ignored.

Enjoying a posthumous holiday in St Buryan, great American comedienne and actress Lucille Ball, a mere 20 years dead, has been seen dallying with killer West Cornwall Lothario, Dan Kernow, deceased Penzance fish shop owner, in and around Penzance.

The happy couple have been spotted in Morrison’s, the Penzance Bookshop, the Exchange, Morrab Library, the Alexandra Inn (5 nights running) and even in the famed Diw Vowes lesbian guest house.

Lucille, once her lips could be prised from Stan’s limpet kiss, said, “This Unitary Council is a complete disaster and travesty of democracy!”

Fresh from their recent triumph at the Relubbus Panopticon Theatre, Pinky and Perky, the much-loved porcine pair who now have a love-nest in Gurnards Head, the gay (yes, their closely-guarded secret is now out!) piggy capital of Cornwall, also found time to express their outrage about the undemocratic process which led to the introduction of a Unitary Authority above the expressed will of the Cornish people.

Said a trembling Perky (on the left of the picture), “I know of no one – be they human or porcine – who actually voted for a Unitary Authority. It has taken decision-making away from the people at local level. It gives folks nothing and is about as helpful as me voting for pork pies!”

The Roundup will report on further celebrity interest in this matter, as it arises.

OBITUARIES: A FOND FAREWELL...

Ethel Batt, the famous ‘songbird of Sancreed’, has passed on at the ripe old age of 104. In accordance with her last wishes, her ashes are to be scattered onto pasties on the Warrens production line in St Just, before they are sealed up and crimped, “so the gift of my voice duh pass direct into the gullet of possible successors.”

In time-honoured fashion (she was originally from Crows an Wra), she has also issued a ‘dying curse’ upon the new Unitary Authority in Cornwall.

Miss Batt was unmarried and leaves her entire estate of £190,000 to her nephew, Cricket (59), an unmarried mortuary assistant from Truro.

Bosvargus Trewern, the former professor of philosophy in the saloon bar of the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn has now sadly taken his last drink, having expired on the Mouzel bus on his way home last Saturday.

Mr Trewern, known fondly by both friends and staff at the Swordfish as “Puddles’, was 79. A man equally at home with a schooner of sweet sherry, a Mackeson or a pint of Watneys Red Barrel, he was only ever known to mix up all three into his ‘special’ after 9.00 pm of an evening and therefore liked to think of himself as a man of bearing, character and sobriety.

Mr Trewern has left his entire estate of £70,000 to 31 year old Swordfish barmaid Nancy Nance, a gift which has caused some raised eyebrows in both Newlyn and Colinsey Road, where she lives.


Wella Donna Jacka, 55, a music teacher, cello solo performer, member of Mount Street Methodist choir and a very popular Guide leader, died last week in a tragic accident, whilst performing her special routine ‘Cello on the cliffs with Wella’ at Lands End.

Always up for a challenge, Miss Jacka continually responded to the call from enthusiastic young Brownies to “sit nearer the edge, Miss!” by moving her seat closer to the edge.

Unfortunately, this proved misjudged when, in the head-nodding fury of a particularly energetic piece, she, together with cello and chair, disappeared over the edge on to the jagged rocks and crashing waves below. Miss Jacka’s estate of £195,000 passes to her devoted lifelong live-in partner, Hazel Opie (54), a primary School teacher.

The world said farewell last week to Long Rock lothario, Leonard Pricke (61), who choked on his false teeth, which he had forgotten to take out. Leonard, a milkman all his life, was never short of a chat-up line and, although he did not marry, always seemed to have a girl – or, at least, a female - in tow.

Leonard was a man of many accomplishments, all of which he kept well hidden from everyone else. Long Rock children lovingly gave him the name “Pavement Pat”, because he often spent a summer night on the pavement in front of the Mexico Inn after a heavy night.

His last girlfriend, Ruby Dick (52), a trainee prostitute from Nancledra, said of him “Ee was sum lovely man, ee was! Proper gent – ee still ‘ad all ‘is own teeth, though ee never brushed them never!” Mr Pricke leaves his entire estate of £53. 59 pence to the Pendeen home for Non-recovering Dipsomaniacs.

GIANT WIND FARM FOR HELFORD

By Technology Correspondent Jon Quick

The picture shows an artist's impression of the first stage of the giant wind farm that is to be built in the shallow waters of Helford creek, adjacent to the village of Helford, on the Lizard peninsula.

Initially, there will be only two turbines (each 400 feet tall), but eventually there are expected to be some two hundred.

A spokeswoman for the new Cornwall Unitary Authority said that the site was "ideal".

In most areas, she said, locals objected strongly to the intrusive nature of the colossal structures on the landscape. However, because Helford village consisted almost entirely of second homes, it remained unoccupied for most of the year, and therefore she anticipated that there would be few objections.

"How can people object to their view being spoilt if they're not there to see it in the first place?" she asked.

Jon Quick is the Dean of St Patrick's Cathedral, Dublin.