YES!!!!! THE ROUNDUP IS BACK .......AND NEWS INTERNATIONAL IS DOWN AND OUT

The Roundup offers sincere apologies for its recent enforced period of 'radio silence'.

This was caused by the unfortunate, and, in our view, wholly unwarranted detention of the entire Roundup reporting and production team.  We had planned an editorial 'Awayday' and picnic at Hayle Towans.  This proved to be an unwise choice of venue.

Readers will know that it situated in The People's Republic of Hayle, which is ruled by eccentrically coiffeured but steely Stalinist dictator and mummy's boy, Tregavarah Ventongimps (42), pictured here on the left.

The oversensitive Ventongimps, who was angered at our frequent references to his exotic combover hairstyle, immediately gave orders for our arrest and detention on learning that the Roundup crew were consuming pasties in the summer rain on the towans.

We were taken to a bleakly dark granite building in Copperhouse, where we were incarcerated and destined to be  forgotten  Indeed, one of our number heard the unmistakably evil and high pitched voice of Ventongimps himself as he commanded his minions to 'thraw they bleddy keys away!"

However, we were not forgotten  by the good people of Relubbus. 

At the personal command of the esteemed leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Councillor Billy Spargo (131) the security service of the state of Relubbus (Mr Ernie Pascoe (33)) was instructed to discover our whereabouts.

It took him just months to track us down using a combination of painstakingly tenacious detective work, satellite spy skullduggery and the inimitable skills of 'Dippy', the three-legged champion sniffer dog.

Told of our fate fate, Spargo lost no time in despatching the crack 'S' squad of the Relubbus Military Police to effect a daredevil rescue.

Agents Dick Harvey and Harvey Dick then effected a night operation to secure our release, which they successfully completed thanks in great part to the efforts of their specially trained getaway horse, 'Orsie'.

Frail as a result of our ordeal we will be resuming a halting, irregular but dependable service.

The Roundup remains, as ever , at your service!!

WATCH OUT JAMIE OLIVER!!  HERE COMES NIGEL BATTEN!!

Nigel Batten (19) is, according to his mother Sandra, Relubbus' answer to Jamie Oliver.

Older readers will recall that Sandra herself achieved some degree of fame, if not notoriety, for her invention of 'Cledra Cola, an intriguing brown drink of pungently stirring natural ingredients  produced in Nancledra on her cousin's farm.

The purgative claims made for the drink were no exaggeration, but so efficacious was it in its cleansing properties that it always required a prolonged hospital stay afterwards to recover from it.

Sandra maintains that it was only for this reason, and not as a result of any discussions which may or may not have taken place with the inspection and prosecution department of the Relubbus Institute of Clinical Hygiene and Health (RICHH) that 'Cledra Cola disappeared overnight from the shelves.

Sandra is now working on  a new version of 'Cledra Cola and promises that we can all expect a big launch next spring.

Meanwhile, all eyes are on her son, Nigel.

This enigmatic boy, who went to school in Prospidnick and was marked out by his already fearful teachers as 'one to watch' is poised to take the culinary world by storm.

In fact he says that he is going to turn the pasty world upside down!

"People ebbent never seen pasties like they ones I'm bringin' out!" he declared.

Told by his mother to 'shut yer big gob!" and not spill the beans before the big launch next week at the flagship Boswedden Lane R C Oates Superstore, Nigel obediently stopped talking immediately. We can exclusively reveal that the revolutionary new range of Batten pasties - to be sold under the catchy slogan of 'Batten down yer 'atch' - will include inspired novelties such as deep-fried pasties, pasties on a stick and pasties in coloured icing for special occasions such as Pirates rugby matches.

Production will admittedly be rather limited at the outset, since Nigel's girlfriend, Lorraine, is currently the only one producing the pasties.

Nigel describes himself as "th' ideas man and marketin' genius be'ind the 'ole operation!"

However, he fully expects to be employing over 2,000 people in  pasty production within just a matter of weeks.

Cornishwomen everywhere are invited to consider contributing their pasty-making skills to this great new venture.  Wages - in excess of 10p per hour - are expected to be paid.  

If you want to see and sample the wares, be at R C Oates Superstore in Relubbus next Tuesday at 10.00 am!

HAVE YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A VOLUNTEER CHAPEL ASSISTANT??

Following the sad passing of Walter Gerontius Penberty at the ripe old age of 124, a vacancy has now arisen in the Union of West Penwith Methodist Chapels for a Volunteer Chapel Assistant.

Walter is shown here on the left in his favourite picture, which was taken whilst he was a schoolboy at the Prospidnick Academy  for Lads with Attention Deficit Disorder.

The post of Volunteer Chapel Assistant is one which Walter has held with pride for the last 34 years of his long life, following his retirement at the age of 94 after a successful career as a trapeze artist with the R C Oates Travelling Circus, which is hugely popular all year round from the Lizard to St Agnes to Lands End.

The important job of Volunteer Chapel Assistant - or VCA - involves servicing the needs of all the chapels in the West Penwith Area by undertaking sundry duties for them all every Sunday.

In view of the distance between the chapels, the job requires the services of an energetic person, who is in possession of a speedy bicycle, preferably one with gears.

Since the position is voluntary, it carries no remuneration.  However, since the Chapel Assistant will be servicing the needs of congregations of sometimes in excess of 9 people, he - or she - can be sure of a lot of heartfelt gratitude.

The post is expected to attract many applicants and selection will be made by the following means:

There will be an on-line test to get numbers down to a final 500.

There will then be a series of telephone interviews to get the numbers down to a final 20.

The lucky 20 will then be interviewed by Mrs Betty Peninula (97) (pictured) and her talking budgie "Pretty Boy" to choose the final 6.

The final 6 will then be interviewed by the Reverend Madron Bolitho.

If you think that you have got what it takes, you are welcome to try for the job.

For each of the 20 chapels every Sunday, you must undertake most, and sometimes all, of the following duties:

• Put the hymns up
• Pump up the organ
• Arrange the flowers
• Polish the collection plate
• Take up the collection
• Act as sidesman
• Manage the communion wine (ensuring that it is strictly non-alcoholic)
• Wash and clean glasses
• Polish the Minister's shoes
• Be on hand to take the blame if the Minister has an unfortunate loud farting incident during prayers
• Plan the Sunday School treat
• Manage the Sunday School treat
• Be the Sunday School Superintendent
• Take all the Sunday School classes
• Tend the chapel garden
• Mow the lawn
• Sweep the pavement
• Sing in the choir (as bass, tenor, alto or soprano as required)
• Take the occasional service
• Be the congregation
• Open up chapel
• Lock up chapel

If you would like to be considered, send a stamped addressed envelope with a cheque for £375 to the Union of West Penwith Methodist Chapels, Boswedden lane, Relubbus.

FURORE AT RADIO RELUBBUS OVER CONTROVERSIAL NEWS DELIVERY

A right royal furore has broken out over plans at Radio Relubbus  to introduce a revolutionary news service to deliver the daily news in mime instead of via the spoken word.

The man at the centre of the storm is one Pierre Lello (24), a former hairdresser and airline steward, whose last and sadly unsuccessful business venture was the operation of a 24 hour emergency manicure consultancy for men.

Following the speedy demise of all his previous employment escapades, Pierre (who was born and known as Cyril Pascoe before he relaunched himself as a mime artiste) was desperately looking around for a job that would fully draw on his sensitive and artistic temperament.

Considering the matter with his civil partner, Rodney Rollocks (57), he hit upon the novel idea of delivering the radio  news in mime.  Pierre judged that this role would fully call on his capacity for grace and delicacy of movement.  Give his pronounced stutter, mime would remove any focus on the spoken word (of which there would be none) and transfer the entirety of listener attention to the "general drift of the news as expressed in  mime."

Mr Rollocks, who happened to be Diversity Director at Radio Relubbus, gave his partner every encouragement and, given his role at the radio, managed to procure the opportunity for Pierre to transmit the 6 o' clock news.

Unfortunately, mime does not lend itself well to the medium of radio.  All over Relubbus people were turning up their radios in a vain attempt to hear the news, which was being artistically, but silently, transmitted by Pierre.  Alas, no one could hear a thing.

When the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Councillor Billy Spargo (93) switched on his set to hear the news, he was infuriated firstly to hear nothing and then secondly to be told, on 'phoning up the radio station, that the news was being delivered in mime.

An exasperated Spargo declared "What a bleddy silly idea!  I kent bleeve it! What asshole thought that this was a good idea?!"

Both Mr Rollocks and Mr Lello have now had to speedily leave the employ of Radio Relubbus and are now seeking new career paths.

TREMBATH SORTS OUT THE BANKERS

GRUC Treasury Councillor, Clem Trembath (71) is cracking down on bankers' bonuses.

Trembath - pictured here at an "Eat a Whopper" pasty supper last week at Prospidnick Women's Institute - is a Methodist local preacher who has often been heard to rail against the excesses of Mammon.

The new round of bonuses set to sweep over Coinagehall Street - the renowned financial district in Relubbus just off fashionable Boswedden Lane - would see some £73 billion being shared out amongst the 15,000 investment bankers who work in 'Coinage City'.

This has been a cause of disquiet among many citizens of Relubbus, since it was the bankers who so recently caused the one and only financial crisis in Relubbus history, when imprudent lending and greed brought the banks to their knees, requiring hundreds of billions of Relubbus taxpayers' money to prop them up.

Picking up on the public mood, a recent full GRUC meeting, at which Mr Trembath spoke without notes and without pause for four hours, concluded that such bonuses were obscene and "the work of the divil."

In a subsequent shock statement to the financial press, Trembath announced that a special tax at a rate of 99.999% will be levied on the bonuses reducing the pool to a mere £730, which means that each banker will now receive just 5 pence each.

When the news was heard in Coinagehall Street, it did not go down very well at all. Some bankers even threatened to emigrate to England, where they said they could find work in the secondary financial centre of the City of London. This prompted the comment from the "Gland Old Man" of Relubbus politics, Councillor Billy Spargo himself:  "Sod off and good luck to you!"

The additional tax revenue - amounting to the best part of £73 billion - is to be split three ways between the Fund for Fallen Women in Sancreed, the Relubbus Club for Octogenarian Subaquatic Gymnastics and the Fund for Free Sunday School Treats for Methodist Children.

ADVERTISEMENT

Relubbus Furniture Store Sale - now in its 987th week!!!!

At RFS we have amazing offers instore, which give you 10 years interest-free credit with no payments for the first three years on desirable items such as:-

This hand-crafted wood-effect chair can be yours for as little as £15 - with nothing to pay for 3 years and interest free credit for an amazing 10 years!!

This amazing sofa - rendered in lasting plastique - can be yours to take home for just £34 - with absolutely nothing to pay for 3 years and with interest-free credit for an unbelievable 10 years!!

(Doris Treglown, our model, would like to point out that she has her own rates, which are available on request).

APPEAL FOR MISSING DOG

Supporters of a Mr Wallace - a baker and amateur politician from London - have launched an appeal to help find his missing dog, Gromit.

Mr Wallace, shown here in happier times, is absolutely bereft at the loss of his talented dog.  "He was like a brother to me", he said, amid floods of tears.

Mr Wallace is very attached to his hound and is said to rely on Gromit to help him keep his life in smooth running order.

Critics have said that, since Gromit jumped ship, Mr Wallace has come up with absolutely no ideas or, at best, only a few half-baked ones.

A sum of £13, a generous baker's dozen, will be the reward paid to anyone providing information on the whereabouts of Mr Wallace's dog, Gromit.

Gromit, pictured on the left, is instantly recognisable, since he has no mouth, which is quite unusual for a canine.

MARGO SPARGO CARGO EMBARGO!!

Trade between the People's Republic of China and Greater Relubbus is worth many hundreds of billions of pounds and is one of the mainstays of the global economic system.

 It is thus with the greatest shock that financial markets around the world have registered the news that China has imposed an embargo on the unloading of the cargo of the 555th ship of the Relubbus Containerships International Corporation (RCIC).

The RCIC ship in question is the Margo Spargo, named after the 12th, now sadly long deceased, wife of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo.

Mrs Spargo the 12th died 35 years ago in a mysterious nocturnal incident in Prospidnick involving a souped-up Ford Anglia, 52 bottles of Babycham, her pet ferret and a stout granite wall.

Readers with a long memory will recall the allegations of vote-rigging, which attached to Mrs Spargo's receiving the third place prize in the 1963 All-Penzance Miss Toilet Attendant of the Year competition.

The vessel Margo Spargo is the pride of the RCIC fleet, which is owned 25% each by world famous Relubbus business magnates and bitter rivals R.C. Oates and W.G. Trevaskis.

The Margo Spargo contains a cargo of freshly made, but frozen, pasties and oggs puddens destined for distribution across China.  Two ships arrive each week, sailing direct from Hayle to Shanghai, to supply the seemingly inexhaustible hunger for Cornish fare, which is likened by some to a new opium-like addiction.

The reason for this embargo by the Chinese government is believed to stem from the GRUC reluctance to share its advanced space technology with the Chinese.

The Cornish Space Institute, operating out of rooms at the Deep Sea Fishermen's Mission at Newlyn and led by Professor Tommie T. Thomas (pictured here in his favourite cowboy outfit presented to him by President George "Brains" Bush) has developed a new space travel technology, which is set to be the envy of the world.

The product of nearly three weeks of concentrated research by Professor Thomas (49) and his team has been the development and construction of the hitherto supersecret 'Properprober'.

This is a space travel machine which taps into and harnesses reversed black hole force to propel itself at speeds in excess of 106 times the speed of light.  Using this fabulous machine, Relubbus 'Propernauts' have already travelled to the edge of space and even peered over the edge.

Of course, this tremendous invention should still be secret.  However, it has emerged that a key project worker, Dr O.K. Okay, a former car mechanic at a well-known Penzance garage, has been slipping across to the Swordfish Inn, where he has fallen into conversation with the Chinese Ambassador to Relubbus, Mr Y.P. Lychee (52), who 'just happened to be passing'. 

It would appear that, having been plied with one beer too many, Dr Okay has spilled the contents of his mind, as well as of his stomach, into the receptive ear of this wily oriental diplomat.

The Chinese government then approached the GRUC Leader, Mr Billy Spargo (117) to ask if he would be willing to allow them to share in this technology.  Spargo flatly refused with the words "No, I bleddy aren't!"

The Chinese then promptly declared a trade embargo.  Councillor Spargo has summoned Mr Y.P. Lychee, the Chinese Ambassador (pictured) to the High Council Chamber in Boswedden Lane.

Meanwhile, the business world holds its breath and looks on fearfully. 

We will continue to report on developments as they occur.

MADRON MENDICANT EXPOSED AS MILLIONNAIRE

For many years, Beelzebub Bennet (94) has been a well-known face around Madron.  His lurking presence has perfumed its busy streets with his distinctive odour for as long as many can remember and for, at least, some fifty years.

His cheery grin, unadorned by teeth, and outstretched hands, unrestrained by any misplaced sense of shame, have welcomed many a charitable coin over those years.

It was said by Our Lord that "The poor you will always have with you" and so it came to pass that Bennet's constant presence has been accepted by the god-fearing folk of Madron as some necessary part of the street furniture.

He seems to have an uncanny sense for what he terms 'a loose coin' and approaches people with all the confidence of a metal detector to prise that loose coin from its erstwhile owner.

The good people of madron have always assumed that he must live in the most reduced circumstances and could always be relied upon to 'spare a bob for Beelzebub'.

It has therefore come as a huge shock to them to learn that his steady begging income has turned him into one of the richest men in West Penwith.

Using a reporter's technique known professionally as 'tailing', one of the Roundup's temporary junior assistant deputy under-reporters followed Bennet home and discovered that the professional beggar has done so well out of the people of Madron that he has been able to build a castle for himself near St Erth.

This imposing residence, known as 'Dunbeggin', was built at huge cost, using specially imported stone from Sweden.  Locals know nothing of the owner except that he is a recluse, who is only ever visited by his shapely Private Banking Manager, Tamsin Pengelly, who comes down from Truro on her moped to see him once a month.

When our reporter tried to confront Bennet, he quickly scuttled into the deep recesses of his castle, displaying a breathtaking turn of speed.  That was two days ago, since when he has not been seen - either at his castle or in Madron.

Madron residents, Edna and Pammie Trembath, both qualified gas fitters and a happy civil partnership couple - shown here delighted to be pictured in their favourite magazine - told the Roundup, "Ee've taken we fera ride, ee ave, the lill bugger!  Stop anywhere ona pavement upere and for yuduh knawit, eezere withiz andout! Course yuduh smellun for yuduh see ovun.  Well I kintellee, ee've adthe las' coin ee's gunnget outah we!"

Edna and Pammie aren't the only disgruntled Madron residents to react in this way to the news.  In a quick telephone survey, the Roundup has established that only 94% of the Madron population would now be prepared to 'spare a bob for Beelzebub'.

The Roundup will report further.

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT

The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has today passed a law outlawing 'the passing of wind', which will be known as the 'No Farting Directive'.

The GRUC believes that everyone must 'do their bit' to cut down on the production of gases which contribute to the phenomenon known as Global Warming.

The Chief Scientist to the GRUC, Profesor Pol Pender (pictured), took air samples up and down Boswedden Lane last Saturday and found the levels of what he he terms 'fart gas' to be alarmingly high.

In part this can be explained by the fact that many people opt for a shop pasty when they are out shopping and the pastry in these is known to considerably increase the incidence of flatulence.

Professor Pender has calculated that, if the global population were to generate flatulence levels similar to those captured in Boswedden Lane, the global warming effect effect would cause a 20 metre rise in sea levels, which would put Newlyn Bridge under water.

In the interests of the people of Newlyn and elsewhere, a strict 'no farting' law is now to be applied. People are required - by law - to retain and reabsorb all and any gas.  Professor Pender insists that this retention practice is only 'likely to be fatal in less than 5% of cases'.

Equipped with special 'gas vision' glasses, the Relubbus constabulary will be able to impose spot fines of £10,000 - or amputation of a limb - on anyone breaking this new law.

Signs will be posted throughout Greater Relubbus.

CHARACTERS AROUND RELUBBUS

JJ Jago

Tremethick Cross is the sort of place you could coast through quickly almost without noticing as you speed from the metropolitan grandeur of Penzance on the way to the infamous fleshpots of St Just, to the fine dining and quaffing offered by the landlady at Newbridge, or simply to the tense gambling haunts of Pendeen.

Yet to do so would be to miss one of the hidden jewels, one of the best-kept secrets of West Penwith.  For amongst the small cluster of habitations that make up this cosy hamlet is one lodged in by none other than the legendary Jimmy Jago.  

The colourful 'JJ', shown here on the right of the photo with three of his devoted acolytes, is a man of many parts, many of which almost fit.

 Many know "JJ" as the former St Erth Creamery worker, as the bar-room raconteur, as the purest lady-bait, as the Kernow-wide famous petard extraordinaire, as the passionate advocate of the rights of nude chess players, as the champion of the freedoms of those exploring inter-species relations between humankind and hedgehogs, but just how many also knew that JJ started out life as a woman?!

The Roundup can reveal, with JJ's permission, that for the first 28 years of his life JJ was, in fact, Jennifer Angwin (pictured).

The Three Plumbers

Opera has (or had) 'The Three Tenors' and Marazion has 'The Three Plumbers', who are, in fact, also three brothers.  They are Sidney (79), Clarence (81), and Hedley (83) Clemo.  The boys, who still live with their long-widowed mother, Temperance (109), in Goldsithney, all still work.

As Hedley says, "Maither tole we that we gotta work slongas she duh work.  She's still cookin' fer we an' she duh do eour washin' anall, so we boys gotta wait bit till we duh retire!"

The boys still attend the Sunday School at Marazion Methodist Chapel and the highlight of their year still remains the annual charabanc ride to Praa Sands for the Annual Sunday School Tea Treat.  Says Sidney, "Sum ansum ee is too, you duh git bottla pop and git saffern bun!  We duh forward to un, I kintellee."

Despite their professional pre-occupation with water systems, the trio are, when it comes to personal ablutions, ardent practitioners of water conservation.  All three roundly abjure the wastefulness of bathing and showering and instead prefer to 'freshen up' with just a light sprinkle of water on the face each week.  Clarence, enveloped in a carefully cultivated protective mist of miasmic whiff, proclaimed, "Jugga water duh last we a month, boy!"

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE

The runaway comedy hit "I beg your pardon!" now showing at the Relubbus Panopticon at the end of fashionable Boswedden Lane has just entered its amazing 14th week.

However, the show has proved such a knockout success with the Cornish public of all ages that its run at the 10,000 seat theatre has been extended for a further two weeks.

People have been coming from as far as Helston, Falmouth and even Truro to view Pendeen-born Wesley B. Behenna's comedic masterpiece about the Nance family, whose life is set in Colinsey Road, Penzance.

The cast are, from the left, Mr Spinks, played by Horton Treloar (25), Mr Wakfer, played by Madron Tregenza (31), cheeky Mrs Spinks, played by Phoebe Polkinghorne (24) and Mrs Wakfer, played by Lamorna Trevorrow (19).

Mr Spinks is seen holding Brathky, the farting dog, who is central to much of the humour in this 5 hour play.

If you haven't seen it - or if you are one of those who wish to see it again and again, hurry to get your ticket now!  Single ticket £112.  Two person ticket £250.  Family ticket (admitting one person only) just £500.

CHRISTMAS IN RELUBBUS

As these scenes show, Relubbus is bedecked once more with fresh snow.

On the left is the view of the eastern side of the city taken from the 93rd floor of the famous R. C. Oates building yesterday.

This next picture shows the traditional ice sculpture situated at the bottom of Treslothan Avenue just off fashionable Boswedden Lane.

In the immortal and Spooneristic words of His High Excellency Councillor Billy Spargo (100, pictured left, the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC),  "The town 'ave put on 'is festive cloak and is lookin' sum smucking fart!"

So what is happening around Relubbus at this time of year?  The Roundup's reporters have been out and about gathering stories to bring to our international and eager audience.

Christmas is nothing if not a time when we all think of those who are less fortunate than ourselves.  For this reason, very special appreciation must go to local business, Shelley's Hair and Beauty, for offering a Christmas special to certain folk who are having a hard time of it and can't afford a hairdo.

Lily Nichols, a Bag Lady from Porthlebben, who normally has little more in her bag than a few cans of White Lightning cider, the week's stock of roll-ups and certainly no ready cash for hairdos, was delighted to receive an offer of a free coiffure at Shelley's.  Lily turned up (shown here in the picture of the left) fully expecting to get the treatment from a willing, but fairly inexperienced, junior.  She was therefore delighted to have the attention of the great Shelley herself.

The Roundup reporters, alerted to the occasion by no more than a few dozen frantic phone calls, happened to saunter up to the scene,  there to capture this act of generosity and were therefore extremely
surprised - not to say disgusted - to observe Lily, after the free hairdo, simply helping herself to costly adornments from Shelley's carefully decorated Christmas tree.  Magnanimous as ever, Shelley, when her attention was drawn to Lily's bulging bag of freshly stolen Christmas tree decorations, said, "Leave 'er be, poor old maid.  You seen the state of that old git Lily duh 'ang round with?  I aren't gunna press no charges." 

Meanwhile life in Relubbus clubland seems to have been hotting up.  GRUC Council Leader, Billy Spargo, has called for self-restraint on the part of the lucky citizens of Relubbus, who are free from the concerns of Credit Crunch, Global warming and those other matters, which afflict the other nations of the world.  "They ebbent got it as good as what we 'ave ovver ere, so I duh want to see people goin easy on the livin it up ere."

It was therefore somewhat embarassing to see Councillor Spargo's own great granddaughter Trezela (21) emerging the worse for wear from notorious nightclub 'Queer Feelings' in Prospidnick Terrace, just off fashionable Boswedden Lane.

The club is run by two characters, who like to be known as Boris and Doris Morris, shown here on the left.

This night venue has acquired a reputation for staging, in the opinion of Supreme Relubbus Methodist Leader, Hajjatodjah Ernie Pascoe, "entertainment of an unseemly and unwholesome nature"".

The club is currently featuring a Japanese male dance troupe called "High Voltage".  Accompanied by a mournful Shamisen, the near naked men lift one leg up after the other emitting baleful cries, whilst audience members take it in turn to adjust the level of voltage in the shocks administered to the dancers to keep them moving for hours on end.   The climax of their 24 hour long act is a triumphant rendition of Kyu Sakamoto's smash hit "Sukiyaki"(still at No.3 in the Relubbus gramophone charts).

Trezelah Spargo was caught by a paparazzo leaving the club very early on Sunday morning and, although she managed a graceful smile for the camera, it very clearly betrayed the fact that she had generous smudgings of cocaine under her nose.  Regarded as the apple of her great-grandfather's eye, Trezelah's exposure as a patron of 'Queer Feelings' and as a cocaine user is likely to bring more than a tear to that most famous of centenarian eyes.  The Roundup will follow development of this story, but feels it is unlikely that Trezelah will be getting any Christmas presents from great-grandpa this year.

Meanwhile, it is the Christmas season and every child in Relubbus is hoping to receive a visit from Father Christmas.  It is therefore with great sadness that Relubbus police have to bring to the attention of all employers and parents the reported appearance in Relubbus of a noted weirdo, one Dougie Botterell, masquerading as Father Christmas.  

The accompanying picture shows the offender in his 'Christmas gear'.  Observant readers will note that the eyes betray a certain malevolent fire not normally associated with Father Christmas.

Dougie does have a disturbing, though apparently not yet dangerous, obsession.  A sufferer of 'leftsockitis', it is his abnormal desire to remove and keep the left sock of any child he meets.  He has been found working as a 'Santa' in many shops from which children emerge content with their present from Father Christmas, but minus their left sock.

The 2009 search for 'The Most Patriotic Relubbus Family' has resulted in a happy victory for the Trembath family of Bramangath street, Relubbus.

The family are shown here on the left.  They are Methodius Kammbronn Trembath, the father (115), wearing Cornish kilt, Mary-Margaret Tregavarah Trembath (42) mother, and Xylophone Trelissick Trembath (15) daughter.

The family are monoglot Kernewek speakers and resolutely reject all influences from outside Relubbus and Cornwall.  Mr Trembath is a Cornish kiltmaker by trade and his wife makes pasties commercially, having been appointed sole supplier to the royal families of  Liechtenstein, Monaco, Luxembourg and (although this is hushed up for political reasons) also to the People's Republic of Hayle, whose leader 'Combover' Ventongimps is very partial to her pasties.  

The maid, Xylophone, has put her name down at the Relubbus Academy of Courtesans, but, if she fails to get in, will be trying to pursue a career in underwater woodwind music.  Why did they win?  Well, word has it that none other than Billy Spargo is also very partial to Mrs Trembath's pasties.

We end our Christmas edition with a caption competition.  What is one bird saying to the other?

The most hilarious answer written on the back of a banker's draft for £15,000 will, if drawn, secure the lucky entrant this latest version of the Cornwall Motor Works (CMW) newest offering, the Praze-an-Beeble (shown below).

So hurry off to a bank today, get your banker's draft for £15,000 and submit your entry now!

Please note that there is nothing to stop you submitting more than one entry, provided that each one is submitted on a separate banker's draft in the correct amount.  We regret however that no one person may submit more than 5,000 entries.

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

RELUBBUS POETRY FEST

Saturday evening at the Relubbus Arts Club, in its sumptuous and prestigious location in Morrab Alley (just off the famed Boswedden Lane), was the setting for a most eagerly awaited Poetry Fest, presided over by renowned society and literary hostess, Dame Margo Boskenna-Pendarves-Stuff-Art (89, shown left).

The event was packed with luminaries of the Relubbus intellectual and literary world, all of whom had gathered to listen to new works by the giants of the Relubbus poetry scene -- Philip Trudgeon (15) and ‘Odjo Semmens (93).

The evening began with a delicious tea, which was generously donated by Mr R.C. Oates, the famous local mega-multibillionaire philanthropist, who had dug deep into his well-filled pockets to supply each person with a slice of cold ‘og’s pudden, a quarter slice of saffern with a smidgeon o’ cream and a cup tay (one only per person!).

After this regal repast, the crowd then settled into the five comfy wooden folding chairs provided and a reverent hush descended on the room as ‘Odjo (shown left) slowly made his way up to the lectern. This much-loved, albeit ripely smelling, old man clad in his hallmark brown (to be safe!) cord trousers with matching hat typically made a sartorial statement every bit as striking as his poetry by wearing a pair of stilettos in post office red.

After noisily, but necessarily, clearing his throat and mouth of several tissues worth of phlegm, he then spoke out his verse in the loud sonorous trumpeting voice we have come to love:

Aggie ‘ad a stroke

I seen ‘er g’win the Kwop down Prom

This mornin’ -- ‘bout ‘a’ pas’ nine.

An’ now I’ve ‘eard she’s up Treliske;

‘ad a stroke, but doin’ fine.

Tha’s the way ee duh go, boy,

You k’int never be too sure.

Take a good long look at the world, my cock,

Before you duh shut the door.

Silence followed the delivery of these potent words, as the mass of people - acting as one -- drank in their meaning and devoted their whole being for almost half an hour to intense interpretation of their significance.

The spell was broken when, led by Dame Margo, the other four leapt to their feet in rapturous applause, whilst the old man tripped slowly back to his seat, precarious on his stilettos.

It was then that the centre of attention focussed on the boy prodigy, Philip Trudgeon (15). He made his way up to the lectern accompanied by PC Carne of the Relubbus police. This unusual measure was a quid pro quo insisted on by the authorities in return for the temporary removal of young Philip’s electronic tag.
It was then that the young ‘master read out his latest work:

Bashin’ ants till tea-time

I duh like sitting on the pavement in the sunshine, when the summer’s ere.

I duh like to watch the ants come out their nest, when I got a ‘ammer near.

I duh ‘it all they little buggers as they duh come runnin’ out,

An’ I play out tunes wi’ the ‘ammer, when I duh give they all a clout.

I can sit three fer ‘ours doin’ that, till Mum calls me in fer tea,

Then I duh git up wi’ me ‘ammer an’ duh g’w’ome reluctantly.

For those who were counting, the other person at the event was Alice Chirgwin-Jacka, Poetry Correspondent of the Relubbus Roundup, who testifies to the powerful impact the poem had on all those present.

Each person attending was given a small memento, in the form of a little hammer and some captured ants in a matchbox, and then the hordes made their way home .

Alice Chirgwin-Jacka

DEBUTANTES BALLS ARE BACK!!

Yes, meet the young ladies of style from West Penwith!

On the left are 8 proud new graduates from the Crows an Wra Young Ladies' Finishing School, who will shortly be introduced as debutantes at the Annual Boswedden Lane Debutantes Ball in September.

This grand social event will be presided over, with his customary seigniorial aplomb, by none other than the esteemed Relubbus Council leader Billy Spargo (107) himself, and whichever belle on whom he chooses to bestow the signal honour of his company on this most prestigious of social occasions in the Cornish calendar.

For certain technical reasons, this tends to be a geriatric nurse with particular experience in urological problems, but this year Councillor Spargo appears to be casting caution to the wind.

Despite his, to lesser folk, incapacitating urological and wind problems, it is hotly rumoured around the fashionable salons of Boswedden Lane that the venerated Relubbus leader (pictured here on the left), will be foregoing his usual practice of taking an experienced nursing companion and instead escorting the young lady on the far left of the top photo, Miss Clamydia Trelowarren (21) to the ball.

The other ladies in the top photo – all aged 21 and all from the top drawer of Relubbus society – are, (to Miss Trelowarren’s right) Miss Cynthia Bunt, Miss Lavinia Minge, Miss Mocca Tartt, Miss Spenda Penny and Miss Dorla Rescorla.

The two girls seated at the front (or ‘gels’ as they prefer to be known) are a tight-knit pair from Botallack, who like to be known as the ‘no-knickers brigade’. They are Miss Brenda Bramanagath and Miss Gwendoline Gwenn.

In accordance with tradition, one lucky debutante will be selected as Queen of the Ball.

The young lady will then be showered with valuable gifts, including this year a £5 voucher to be redeemed at Simpson’s of Penzance; a set of nearly-new heated rollers; a half price cup of coffee at the Wimpy Bar; a free ‘blue rinse’ at Shelley’s Hair and Beauty at St Just and a set of tingly horsehair underwear made to measure by the up and coming King of Lingerie himself, Mr Derek Split-Crotch of Newbridge (pictured left, just putting the finishing touches, with mawther’s iron, to a pair of size 20 panties in genuine plastique.)

The only ‘onerous’ duties are the official opening of the refurbished toilets at Newlyn harbour and the requirement to act as a ‘greeter’ at the toilets from 7.00 am till 9.00 pm for the first 60 days after opening.

This is followed by a week of being duty streetwalker (deputising for ace local tart Ada Quick) at St Buryan (from 3.00 pm until 7.30 pm), donating all proceeds to the Botallack Home for Fallen Women.

However, with all this local exposure, it is easy to see why so many young women regard the attainment of the ‘Queen of the Ball’ title as the best possible launchpad into the world of the West Penwith glitterati. Accordingly, we can only say, may the best young lady win!! We will be reporting further...

BROWN BEGS SPARGO FOR GUIDANCE!

Gordon Brown (55), the embattled and beleaguered UK Prime Minister, has appealed from the sodden dark depths of desperation in his bunker in No 10 Downing Street to Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo (99) for guidance on how to deal with the explosive and corrosive impact of the revelations of the unbelievable expenses excesses of the thoroughly discredited Westminster political poltroons pretending to represent the 'interests of the people'.

Spargo took the call whilst at Prospidnick House, his official residence at the midway point along world-famous Boswedden Lane.

Under the provisions of the Relubbus Freedom of Information Act, the transcript of the telephone call was made available to the panting hordes of the Relubbus press pack only seconds after it was concluded.

Amidst frequent sobs from those famously saggy baggy eyes and in a doom-laden voice redolent of wits end having been passed many moons ago, Gordon Brown gushed: “Your Holiness, is that you? Please, Councillor Spargo, tell me that it is you!”

Billy Spargo (amidst noises of flushing water): “This ‘ad better be good, you jes’ caught me in the only place I can get sum peace an’ quiet!”

Gordon Brown: “In the notes Tony left for me, it says that when things get really tough, I should call this Relubbus number and ask for Councillor Spargo!!....It is you, isn’t it, this is not some trap dreamt up by those Tory toff bastards!”

Billy Spargo (to the noise of paper sheets being methodically and authoritatively ripped off the roll): “Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on Brown - I’m nearly finished in ‘ere, boy an’ I aren’t ‘angin’ about – I got the former - and the present - Madame Sarkozy waitin’ outside ‘ere fer me!”

Gordon Brown: “Morley’s been claiming £16,000 for a mortgage he didn’t have, Prescott has claimed £5,000 for a gastric band and the same amount for two re-inforced toilet seats, Darling has claimed £9,000 for two penis extensions and….(he breaks down into uncontrollable sobs)…every bloody bastard has been at it!

"Of course, the Tories have been much worse, Mr and Mrs Mackay have claimed £280,000 between them and Hague has spent nearly as much in a forlorn attempt to on grow a proper thatch of hair! Douglas Pigg has even had his moat cleaned out at taxpayers’ expense.

"I am trying to play the noble statesman card, but it isn’t working. Please, just tell me what do I do?”

Billy Spargo, washing his hands with Trevarno soap lovingly fashioned for him by Betsy Pengelly (27 and pictured left), thought briefly about the UK Prime Minister’s manufactured mess and was about to reply, when Gordon Brown’s desperate whimpering noises were drowned out by the insistent sound of the pips, which were a sign that Gordon’s last 50 pence had been used up.

Reflecting that Gordon’s desperate cost-savings measures had gone a step too far by introducing payphones across Downing Street, Billy adjusted his truss, saluted the flag of Greater Relubbus and set off towards the two panting French females who were also desperate for his attention.