NEWS IN BRIEF

Double Life of Local Worker on Newlyn Kwop Cheese Counter

Newlyn was rocked by the revelation that single mother of seven and part time worker on the cheese counter at the Newlyn Kwop, Mrs Nora Batten (57) has been leading a double life as leader of the Libyan state, where she is known as Muammar al-Gaddafi.

Nora was rumbled on the bus out of Newlyn on her way to Relubbus International Airport, where she was due to board an Oates seatless Easiflight plane to Tripoli.  

Nora had bumped into her old friend from approved school days, retired Gulval streetwalker Wendy Trezise (57) and, as Wendy was in the habit of buying lottery tickets for the pair, Nora was searching out necessary money in her handbag, when her air ticket and Libyan passport fell out.

Says a shocked Wendy, "Noone kuddna bin more surprised 'n' what I was, I kintellee!  I'd knawn she since school.  This 'ere air ticket come out 'er 'anbag, followed by a passport witha picture o' she onut with all this 'ere Ayrab writin' onun!  'Ere maid, wassal this 'ere then, I sed tuh she, I sed!"

Nora was apparently lost for words and then poured out the tale of how she, after the birth of her third child when her then partner was out of work,  answered an advert in the Cornishman for a politically astute statesman to run a North African country on a part time basis.  Hours would be light and rewarded with good money and cash in hand.

Nora couldn't resist the temptation to 'go for it' and has since been leading a double life, frequently disappearing off to Tripoli to do a bit of leadership. 

As well as picking up a handy £13 14s 9d each week in cash, she led a high-powered life in Tripoli with her own luxury tent and a company of all female bodyguards, as well as a red Ford Anglia 105E Saloon with as much free petrol as she could use.

Nora is now under contract to the Roundup to publish her memoirs of this fascinating double life. These will be serialised here in the Roundup, just as soon as Nora has learnt to write.

West Penwith Witches campaign for the right to be taken seriously

Crows an Wra was the inevitable meeting place of the special Convention of West Penwith Witches which was held last week.

The convention was called by Leading Witch and Queen of the Coven, Sheila Bramangath (52) so that the sisterhood could debate ways of encouraging members of the public to desist from pointing at them and laughing.

Says Sheila, who has a part time job on vegetables at Tesco, "Ee idden funny no more. If we duh gwout in our speshul clothes doin' our ceremonies in the fields, we got kids laughin' at we and the adults aren't no better neither!"

Sheila, who was bound to partner Gwen (31), a trainee trolley attendant, in a special handfasting ceremony during the convention, reported that, in a unanimous vote, the sisterhood had agreed to be fearless and indomitable.

She also hinted darkly that the frog population of West Penwith might be suddenly increased if certain people "didden shut their bleddy mouths!"

Pendeen Man swims underwater from Cape Cornwall to Newlyn

Willy Pender (66), a retired jobseeker, claims to have set a new swimming record by swimming under water all the way round the coast from Cape Cornwall to Newlyn.

He says that he undertook the swim last week, which has surprised many given the uninvitingly cool sea temperatures at this time of year.  Even more astoundingly, he claims to have come up for air only on 9 occasions.

Disappointingly, there are no independent witnesses to this marvellous feat apart from Willy's 95-year-old housebound mother, Agnes, who stated, "I sawun leave th' 'ouse las' Tuesday.  When 'ee cum back, 'ee was sum ungry, 'ee was.  'Is woollen trunks was soppin' wet too!"

Willy is now appealing for witnesses prepared to state that they saw him on his marathon swim, which took place between 9.10 am and 9.45 am last Tuesday morning.  He adds, "If anyone duh come forward, I'll see un alright, when the money duh start flowin' in!"

SPOTLIGHT ON UNUSUAL RELUBBUS SOCIETIES

“If you are tired of Relubbus, you are tired of life”. Thus spake the venerable GRUC Chairman, Billy Spargo, (107) himself.

One way in which the words of His Inimitable Eminence can be found to be true is in the richness of Relubbus cultural life.

There are 4,576 different societies you can join in Greater Relubbus. The Roundup has been invited to put the spotlight on just a few of the most unusual clubs so as to project an accurate picture of the rich diversity of Relubbus life. If you want more information of any of these just phone the Roundup on Relubbus 212121.

GAY TANDEM RIDERS CLUB

Can you ride tandem? The Gay Tandem Riders Club has 135 members. They are all highly skilled in the handling of the tandem and present a merry sight when they process down Boswedden Lane on Pride Day.

As their numbers indicate, they are one man short, so if you fancy getting behind Denzil Trembath, he says there’s a place on his tandem for you!

Respecting new Relubbus diversity legislation, membership is now also open to non-gay couples.

WICCAN TOGETHERNESS

A common misconception about Wiccans is that they are all complete nutters. If that is what you think, then Ron and Doris Penberthy (a young married couple from Goldsithney, who like to call themselves 'The long and the short of Wicca') are just waiting to prove you wrong.

Undaunted by her powerful lisp, Doris gushed enthusiastically, “when me an Ron duh get ‘ome frum work, we duh put on the mystic smoke frum they incense things and then we duh ‘ava go at conjuring up things.

I made all the costumes myself and I’ll make up sum new ones fer all they people what duh want to join we after seein’ this ‘ere!”

YOUNG WOMEN’S UNDERWATER FARTING CLUB

Sub-aquan intestinal gas expulsion is a strenuous and demanding sport, which requires both self-control and great skill. However, when it is executed correctly (as demonstrated here by Rebecca Tonkin), it is both graceful and eye-catching.

The exclusive Relubbus young women’s Underwater Farting Club (UFC) limits its full membership to just six lucky young women and accordingly has a waiting list of 1,207 arranged in 6 categories of ascending competence.

When a vacancy occurs (there is an upper age limit of 23!), an audition is held amongst the top twenty in category one.

It may seem strange to apply to such an oversubscribed club, but it enjoys an inordinately high status and even the high category ‘waiters’ are often boastful about their position.

YOUNG MAN’S ANAL PYROTECHNIC CLUB

Don’t try this at home!!

This club, which is open to young men only, grew out of a dare following a heavy curry night amongst rugby fan friends.

The resultant displays were so impressive that the club was set up to hone the required skills.

Club captain, Dickie “blaster” Clemo is pictured here displaying his hallmark 5 minute ‘blaze’, an acknowledged record in anal pyrotechnics.

TREGAVARAH OPEN AIR TOILETEERS

Human history has, bar the last few thousand years been played out entirely in the open. It is therefore not surprising that some, such as Bert Prat of Heamoor, find it refreshing to be able to live out some of their lives in the open air.

Toileteering in the open air started off as an occasional pleasure for Bert, but now it is part of his daily life. To be able to sit out back, enjoy a bottle of beer, chat on the ‘phone to friends whilst performing a necessary and natural function “seems kinda right to me”, he says in his almost convincing American accent.

You are welcome to call round at Bert’s and try out outside toileteering for yourself.

If you like it, Bert will help you with the necessary plumbing and give you coaching in speaking with an American accent.

PROSPIDNICK YODELLING CLUB

Yodelling is an art most often associated with the Alpine regions, but many will be surprised to discover that it has long been practised in Prospidnick, which lies at the foot of towering snow-capped Mount Relubbus.

Ned Trezise, club leader, is a member of one of the oldest families in Prospidnick, who first came here from Africa around 12,000 years ago. Photographed here in mid-yodel, Ned will look forward to meeting anyone who would like to join the 600 strong club.

GOLDSITHNEY YOUNG NUDE MALE’S KNITTING CIRCLE

Lenny Wakfer (21) is so far the only, but very enthusiastic, member of this somewhat unusual club. It is open to any nude males in Goldsithney who have achieved high skill levels in knitting.

However, Lenny has pointed out that, should no one come forward, he would be happy to change the primary activity of the club to something a little more manly such as fishing or hang-gliding.


MRS TINK’S ICELANDIC FLOWER-ARRANGING CLASS

Gladys Tink would like to welcome anyone interested to attend a taster evening in her Icelandic flower-arranging class.

To those who might find this idea daunting, she points out that the flower-arranging is pretty much like flower-arranging anywhere, but she also admits that mastering the Icelandic does take a bit of hard work.

“It took me 14 years to get my conversational Icelandic up to scratch, but I find it so rewarding to be able to call my flowers by their proper Icelandic names and to be able to chat away about all the latest gossip. I can’t wait for others to join me!” (Mrs Tink does warn that her house sadly does not permit wheelchair access).