EXCLUSIVE: SPARGO AND MADAME SARKOZY IN SECRET LOVE TRYST!
By Political Correspondent Rendell Janner
Elysee watchers have been perplexed by the froideur that characterises the relationship between the new French President, Nicholas Sarkozy, and his wife Cecilia (25). At the election of the new President there should have been a new era at the Elysee, presided over by the President’s glamorous wife, Cecilia (34).
Pictured here in a photo that captures the smouldering beauty of this sensual woman, and which reflects her gypsy and Spanish descent, Cecilia (42) has kept the French and international press guessing as to her intentions.
The Roundup can now reveal the truth behind the reticence of Mme Sarkozy (21) to play "President’s wife" at the Elysee.
Cecilia (52) has been spotted in Lamorna Cove, where she has been sharing a cottage with outspoken firebrand GRUC Councillor Billy Spargo. Mr Spargo (78), who has never married, has been romantically linked with a number of women, boys, and indeed animals over recent years. However, it would seem that this stalwart of the GRUC has truly met his heart’s desire in Mme Sarkozy (49). The couple are even said to be planning to move into a plush flat together on the prestigious Gwavas Estate overlooking Mount's Bay. During a quiet meal "a deux" at the Navy Inn in Penzance, they were overheard discussing having children together.
Mr Spargo (78) has taken to wearing a heavy disguise (seen on the left) in an attempt to shake off the international press -- an attempt in which he has been successful. However, he could not shake off the terriers of the Relubbus press-photographer corps.
The French President is said to be absolutely distraught at the loss of his wife to the Relubbus political leader. However, given the enormous diplomatic weight that Relubbus carries internationally, the French Republic and its President have had to smile and accept the loss of this most beautiful woman (43) to the superior attractions of Spargo and Relubbus. C’est la vie, Sarkozy!
EXCLUSIVE: US TO BECOME PART OF RELUBBUS!
By Political Correspondent Rendell Janner
American society is in meltdown. The incumbent President, George Bush the Little, has lower approval ratings than any other President ever. According to surveys, the average American would be happier having tea with a chimp than with the President -- despite the comfortingly strong physical resemblance between the two.
If you are poor in America, you can’t afford to be sick -- that is a privilege reserved for the rich and insured. This is just one of the many divisions that epitomise the social geography of a once-great land.
When the White Man came to North America, he found an indigenous people who were divided into tribes. New tribes now populate this vast land of different time zones, the difference being that now it is possible to be a member of more than one tribe at the same time. To quote just two examples, there is the Evangelical tribe and the gun-owning National Rifle Association tribe. There are many other tribes, the listing of which is left by this writer to those anorak-wearers who derive pleasure from the task.
Suffice it to say that the USA is rift by divisions and that it is accordingly little wonder that the American public looks, with wistful and envious eyes, across the Atlantic to Relubbus.
A secret gathering of American leaders, past, present, and aspiring, has agreed to approach the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) to seek direct rule from Relubbus. The Roundup can confirm that it has learnt from impeccable sources (Liza Penberthy, the cleaner at the GRUC offices) that Councillor Billy Spargo will shortly announce GRUC’s acceptance of the US government’s plea for direct rule from Relubbus.
The role of the American White House (shown left) will b e taken over by the Relubbus "Grey House" (shown right). The Grey House will deal with all American matters. It will have a new carpet and be fully repainted.
It is believed that the GRUC will be dedicating as many as four full-time personnel to the management of American affairs. There will be a specially dedicated telephone connection between Washington and Relubbus, for urgent calls only. For all other matters, there will be a monthly courier connection.
The US will disband all its embassies around the world and will instead be represented abroad by Relubbus diplomats, where there happen to be any. The US armed forces will also be disbanded and the 12th Relubbus Scout troop will, remotely, take over the defence of the USA.
Councillor Billy Spargo’s nephew, Archie Treglown, is to be despatched to Washington (via Hayle fishing boat) with two Relubbus policemen to bring about radical changes: the banning of guns, the redistribution of national wealth equally, the replacement of all churches with Cornish Methodist chapels, and various other steps to make the USA just like Relubbus.
Archie Treglown (pictured left) said last night, "I ebbent bin out of Cornwall ever, so I am lookin’ forward to goin’ ovver to Americee to sort out they yanks.
I aren’t expectin’ no problems, but jest in case anyone duh get a bit teasy, I am taking my cousin and ‘is mate. They are both policemen and they are as ‘ard as nails."
Councillor Spargo has stated that, whilst Relubbus has accepted the USA, it cannot assimilate any more countries at present. This is seen as a warning to Russia, which is believed to have also hoped for direct rule from Relubbus.
DISTRAUGHT BEVERLEY
By Social Affairs Correspondent Rendell Janner
The Roundup has long been known as a publication that fights for equity and for social and poetic justice. It is a reputation of which we are proud. We bring you the moving story of Beverley Tregear and ask, if you are touched by her tale, to send all cheques and donations to Sylvanus Penhaul at the Swordfish in Newlyn.
Beverley Tregear is only 19 years of age. A shy girl, she sits, wordless, on a bench between her two daughters, Tracey (4) on the left and Sharon (6) on her right. The silence is eerie and unsettling.
As she has done for days, Beverley sits and distractedly toys with her husband’s unwashed sock, as though this simple article of clothing could provide her with a link to a man she will never see again. A once powerful olfactory link, it is diminishing in potency day by day.
Her common-law husband, Nev, who was in the same class as her at school, was, for the precious time that they had together, the model of a devoted husband and father.
Nev and Bev were known amongst their many friends at the Soshul as a couple who liked to keep themselves to themselves. They were devoted to each other -- linked by a love so strong that you could almost see its sinews and smell its strength.
Nev, who sometimes worked part time as a rodent catcher with his mates, Trev and Kev, used to come home from the pub every night promptly at 10.45 pm. He never once vomited inside the house, taking particular care to do so on Mrs Hollis’ doorstep on the way home. Being a man of refinement, he almost always urinated the vomit away before he left so that Mrs Hollis was never aware of the religious observance of this practice.
Given this solid background, one cannot understand why he should leave his love nest in Newlyn to move in with Pendeen scrubber Linda Polglaze, pictured here (in miniature for decency’s sake) on the left. In financial straits and reduced to going to the fish ‘n’ chip shop once every two days, instead of every day, Bev now needs your help. Please give generously to keep this family afloat.
My Professor’s a chimp!
By Arts Correspondent Rendell Janner
The gloves were off in furious exchanges at the renowned Relubbus Chamber Music Conservatoire, when several of the students declared that their resident professor contributed nothing to their musical development and "was little better than a chimp" (this latter insult believed to be a cruel play on the professor’s name). The gentleman in question, Professor C. Himp, refused to be drawn into any discussion and remained typically tight-lipped.
Professor Himp, pictured here on the left in a photo taken yesterday, is clearly taken aback by these comments. He is believed to be deeply offended by such wholly unwarranted and unjustified comments from his students.
He has withdrawn from all teaching engagements and can be occasionally glimpsed in the Institute’s garden, perched on a tree, disconsolately munching a banana.
It is not known where this sorry saga leaves the prestigious Relubbus Conservatoire, but you can rely on the Roundup to keep you posted.
CITY PAGES
TREVASKIS TO LAUNCH HOSTILE BID FOR TESCO!
By City and Business Editor Rendell Janner
Financial market traders in Relubbus, London, and capitals around the world were yesterday all humming with the rumour that W.G. Trevaskis (35), the Relubbus mega-capitalist, is about to launch a hostile bid for Tesco.
Trevaskis, whose wealth is sometimes said to approach even that of RC Oates, has made a name for himself by growth through aggressive acquisition.
Pictured here on the left outside his flagship store in Relubbus, Trevaskis stunned corporate watchers with his daring raid on a Marazion grocery kiosk last year. The future of the kiosk, known locally as Enty Lydia’s, was plunged into doubt after the sudden and untimely demise of Miss Lydia Pollock (87) who owned and ran the kiosk with occasional help from schoolgirl Loveday Rescorla.
In a bold move, only weeks after Miss Pollock passed on, Trevaskis moved in with an offer to take over the kiosk and employ Miss Rescorla (18), who had left school to run and manage the kiosk in the interim period.
The financial world has had only a year to recover from this "revolution in retail" before Trevaskis now appears to be poised to make a bid for Tesco.
According to the Roundup's financial sources, it seems that the rumour trail leads back to a conversation overheard on a bus travelling from Penzance to Relubbus. Mrs Rosemary Hollis (76), who lives next door to Mr Trevaskis’ mother (Gracie) and who is therefore deemed to be "in the know", was overheard saying to a friend, "Gracie was telling me that ‘er boy is goin' to do a lotta buyin in Tesco’s." These few words were all it took to set traders in both Relubbus and London on a path of Tesco share acquisition in the hope of benefiting from a Trevaskis buyout.
The Roundup cornered Trevaskis next to the till in his Relubbus shop and asked him outright about his buying intentions in Tesco’s. Initially tight-lipped, Trevaskis would say nothing at all -- at first. However, he eventually cracked under the pressure of the relentless stare and virulent halitosis of one-eyed Roundup reporter "Grubber" Trevithen. A shame-faced Trevaskis then admitted that, "when we duh run owt o’ things ‘ere before the delivery van duh come, I duh go in Tesco’s and buy un all there."
The simplicity of this cover story from cool Trevaskis was not enough to halt the rumour machine and not enough to calm the markets. The Tesco board is said to be transfixed with panic and many thousands now fear for their jobs in a potentially ruthless shake-up that would mirror the take-over of Enty Lydia’s only last year.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!
CECIL B. DE MILLE'S
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
starring CHARLTON HESTON, YUL BRYNNER, ANNE BAXTER, and EDWARD G. ROBINSON
1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.
A MAGICAL NIGHT OF MAHLER AND BOTHERAS
From our Music Correspondent, Professor D. Behenna
Last Saturday at the Boscathnoe Arms in Relubbas, I had the great privilege of listening to Mahler’s 8th Symphony -- the "symphony of a thousand" -- played by the Relubbus Triangle and Kazoo quintet, led by Percy Botheras on lead triangle.
The genius of Mahler --as with that of all the greats -- relies upon the skilful interpretation of the musicians to become fully apparent to the audience. In this case, the hall was filled with the cognoscenti (my brother and myself), familiar with every note. And thus, before the performance began, there was a suspense you could touch and taste, as we waited to see what magic Botheras would invoke to bring this body of music alive to us.
There was no need for concern. In the hands of the master that is Botheras, this "body of music" truly sprang into mesmerising life with the first sonorous stroke of his triangle.
The novelty of this 90-minute-long performance was enhanced by the unusual fact that the remainder of the quintet were not called upon to play -- at all -- until the very last note -- a masterstroke indeed.
I can enlighten you further about this masterful musician. Botheras (pictured here on the left in joyful mid-stroke) is by day a milkman for the Kwop. He uses his time on the milkfloat to think out ever new interpretations of music for the triangle.
An even greater surprise for our readers, and especially those who have had the privilege of listening to the work of Mr Botheras, is that he has only been playing the triangle for 5 weeks.
This is an amazing fact, when one considers the dimensions of subtlety that unfold before us as he strikes his triangle with ever greater meaning, leading us further and deeper into entirely new realms of musical expression.
Readers will be able to hear Botheras for themselves next week when he attempts Tchaikovsky’s Fourth symphony in a solo performance at St John’s Hall in Penzance. You are advised to apply early for tickets!AMERICAN - CORNISH PHRASEBOOK
By Linguistics Correspondent Rendell Janner
Now that the USA is to be assimilated into Relubbus, there will be a far greater need for Cornish/American dialogue and understanding. To assist in this process, the Roundup is pleased to provide some common phrases in both languages.
American Cornish
Cheese-eating surrender monkeys Froggies
Swell (as in "guy") Proper or Brev
May I use the bathroom? I’m goin’ out back’ouse
Please, can I get a latte? Gunnavcuptea arrus?
Would you like to look around? Wannabit geek do ee?
How much does this cost? Wassacosta? or Owmuchissa?
Two and a half million dollars !?%?*?%?!%?
The Roundup Reports From Dublin
Pictured on the left is the Roundup's newest recruit, Jan "Mad" Carew. (Jan is the one without the handbag.)
Regular readers may recall that Jan joined the Roundup in April as a Temporary Assistant Junior Cub Reporter (acting). Since then his progress has been startling. Following a string of scoops, Jan has already been promoted to Assistant Junior Cub Reporter (acting).
Jan's most recent assignment has been as the Roundup's Foreign Correspondent in Dublin. He is shown in that city, undertaking research into the gay and lesbian scene. We understand that he has also done extensive research into the Guinness brewing industry and the night life around Temple Bar. So far, the demands of his meticulous research have left him no time to file any actual stories. (We await his first report with keen anticipation! Ed.)
Inside the Saudi Embassy in Relubbus
By Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner
At Number 4 Kenidjack Lane in Relubbus stand the two tents of the Saudi Arabian Embassy. The Roundup was invited inside to meet the inhabitants and have a look around. The main tent is shown in the photograph below, whilst the second tent is a much smaller "ablutions" tent, covering a simple hole in the ground and, next to it, a heap of Sun newspapers.
In the picture on the left we can see (in the middle of the photo) His Excellency Sheikh Mohammed wa Akbar wa al Akshar wa al Capone wa al Qaq wa al Wahabi. Given the length of his name, he asked us to simply call him "Terry".
Terry is a relaxed and amiable man, who has come to feel at home in Cornwall and who now greatly prefers the Cornish climate and way of life to that in his native Saudi Arabia. "At home, is hot, hot, dust and sand. Here is everything better, walahi, the women, the boys, and the goats, walahi bilahi. I like it also very much pasties and cream."
A police guard stands permanently outside the tent to protect His Excellency from the unwelcome attentions of some of the more extreme Methodist groupings, who take offence at the mere presence of even such a nominal Muslim as Terry in Cornwall. One such shadowy armed group, calling itself the Gwennap Gangsters, last week managed to lob horse dung into the ablutions tent, whilst Terry was inside on a "sitting". He said, "Walahi, I sit and stretch and yawn, then flap flies open under weight of thrown horse dung. What mouthful!"
Saudi Arabia is blessed with oil, which has made it rich. Now, the oil is beginning to run out and the country can see an end to its hitherto-guaranteed prosperity. In contrast, now that finds of the highest grade oil in unimaginable quantities have been located in the top field of Ernie Polkinghorne’s farm in Relubbus, the Greater Relubbus Urban Council has found yet another source of riches to add to the industrial and economic engines that power Relubbus on to the top of all global league tables.
Fumbling urgently with his favourite goat, which had trotted in, Terry went on to say, "We humble Ayrabs again -- not cause trouble. We lead quiet life in tent with woman, boy, goat and camel. We don’t bother, you don’t bother. We need protection of Relubbus against world. That why I here, Walahi Bilahi. I love you all".
LONELY HEARTS THAT YEARN FOR YOU! If you are an unattached male and have been looking for someone you can take home to show your mother, then this is surely the chance that you have been waiting for!
Rebecca Tregurtha (23) is a delightful girl, who has led a quiet, indeed sheltered, life.
A receptionist for a double glazing firm, she lives at home in Hayle with "my Mum and Dad". She has her own car, a Morris Minor Traveller, which she calls "Tickles".
She is a young lady of unexpected talents. She can play "The flight of the Bumble Bee" on her mouth organ and has a strong liking for 19th century Russian Literature, which she reads in the original. For amusement, she likes tripping up blind people and, when the sun is strong enough, she likes "sizzling" ants with her magnifying glass. She has never had a boyfriend, but now believes the time is right and so she is looking for Mr Right! Is that you? If so, write to Box 5634.
Agnes Treveor (32) of Goldsithney is a young lady with love and motorbikes on her mind. She is a fully qualified bike mechanic and has lovingly built by hand the bike shown with her on the left. Orphaned and living -- on benefit -- alone in a caravan, without ever having had a relationship, she would like to meet a man who will share her interests and her life.
Agnes' interests are playing noughts and crosses, doing Latin crosswords and what she calls "insect games". This is her favourite activity and consists of the capture and dissection of live insects. If you fancy spending time with Agnes, write to Box 4781.
Ladies, if you ever dreamed of becoming a queen, then this your chance! By day, Ronald "Lumpy" Treglown (45) is a plumbing and heating engineer, with his own business based at the Upper Relubbus Business Park; but by night Lumpy is a King in his own right. He has declared the Nancledra shed in which he lives his "kingdom" and now seeks a queen to share his realm. His mother, Lydia, has run him up a nice set of kingly regalia, which are now his only non-working clothes.
Lumpy is a man of many parts and spends many a happy evening composing poetry in ancient Greek or in scalding one of his many pet budgerigars. (He has to keep replacing them as the scalding process tends to be fatal -- but "its fun while they last!")
Lumpy has had a number of women in the past and so has a particular wish list of attributes in his chosen queen. She should be a good pasty cook and not say much. ("Better if she’s dumb, really!" says Lumpy.) The shed is basic, so not much is required in terms of housekeeping skills, but she should keep the outside toilet clean. Water supply in the shed is dependent upon the munificence of heaven, so she should be able to look after the water butt, so Lumpy has enough for his monthly bath ("I wain’t get work, if I smell too ‘igh!").
Lumpy has a high requirement for physical love and so is hoping for strong interest -- soon. Impatient ladies should write in to Box 4982.
Billy Pender (spelt with a "P", not a "B", as Billy, most insistently maintains) is a 48-year-old double glazing fitter from Penalverne Estate in Penzance, who is wondering how love has come to pass him by. Known about town by his distinctive Rococco hairpiece, Billy lives at home with his widowed and very indulgent mother, Dot (76), who likes "to feed’un up".
Billy likes watching television with his mother and also enjoys bingo with her and her friends. Billy has not yet had a girlfriend but, thanks to the wonders of the internet, is already sure that he will be "into copropholia". He is immensely proud of his now extensive collection of bottled interesting smells collected from a variety of people and places over the years. Clearly, collecting from some people, such as the Pope, the Queen, and Baroness Thatcher has demanded great ingenuity and could have involved prosecution, if he had been caught. But Billy is nothing if not inventive and resourceful and has been able to make great use of his "cover" as a double glazing fitter.
If you are a young lady, who would like to enter this world of derring do and stand at Billy’s side, then Box 4529 is the one for you.
IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE
- EXCLUSIVE: RELUBBUS TO BECOME 51st US STATE!
- ROMAN COLONY FOUND IN RELUBBUS!
- ANOTHER HIT FOR YOUNG WIVES' THEATRE GROUP!
- ANOTHER SUCCESS FOR RELUBBUS BALLET ACADEMY
- INSIDE THE PAPUA NEW GUINEA EMBASSY IN RELUBBUS
- Our socially-responsible "LONELY HEARTS" section
