NEWS IN BRIEF

Double Life of Local Worker on Newlyn Kwop Cheese Counter

Newlyn was rocked by the revelation that single mother of seven and part time worker on the cheese counter at the Newlyn Kwop, Mrs Nora Batten (57) has been leading a double life as leader of the Libyan state, where she is known as Muammar al-Gaddafi.

Nora was rumbled on the bus out of Newlyn on her way to Relubbus International Airport, where she was due to board an Oates seatless Easiflight plane to Tripoli.  

Nora had bumped into her old friend from approved school days, retired Gulval streetwalker Wendy Trezise (57) and, as Wendy was in the habit of buying lottery tickets for the pair, Nora was searching out necessary money in her handbag, when her air ticket and Libyan passport fell out.

Says a shocked Wendy, "Noone kuddna bin more surprised 'n' what I was, I kintellee!  I'd knawn she since school.  This 'ere air ticket come out 'er 'anbag, followed by a passport witha picture o' she onut with all this 'ere Ayrab writin' onun!  'Ere maid, wassal this 'ere then, I sed tuh she, I sed!"

Nora was apparently lost for words and then poured out the tale of how she, after the birth of her third child when her then partner was out of work,  answered an advert in the Cornishman for a politically astute statesman to run a North African country on a part time basis.  Hours would be light and rewarded with good money and cash in hand.

Nora couldn't resist the temptation to 'go for it' and has since been leading a double life, frequently disappearing off to Tripoli to do a bit of leadership. 

As well as picking up a handy £13 14s 9d each week in cash, she led a high-powered life in Tripoli with her own luxury tent and a company of all female bodyguards, as well as a red Ford Anglia 105E Saloon with as much free petrol as she could use.

Nora is now under contract to the Roundup to publish her memoirs of this fascinating double life. These will be serialised here in the Roundup, just as soon as Nora has learnt to write.

West Penwith Witches campaign for the right to be taken seriously

Crows an Wra was the inevitable meeting place of the special Convention of West Penwith Witches which was held last week.

The convention was called by Leading Witch and Queen of the Coven, Sheila Bramangath (52) so that the sisterhood could debate ways of encouraging members of the public to desist from pointing at them and laughing.

Says Sheila, who has a part time job on vegetables at Tesco, "Ee idden funny no more. If we duh gwout in our speshul clothes doin' our ceremonies in the fields, we got kids laughin' at we and the adults aren't no better neither!"

Sheila, who was bound to partner Gwen (31), a trainee trolley attendant, in a special handfasting ceremony during the convention, reported that, in a unanimous vote, the sisterhood had agreed to be fearless and indomitable.

She also hinted darkly that the frog population of West Penwith might be suddenly increased if certain people "didden shut their bleddy mouths!"

Pendeen Man swims underwater from Cape Cornwall to Newlyn

Willy Pender (66), a retired jobseeker, claims to have set a new swimming record by swimming under water all the way round the coast from Cape Cornwall to Newlyn.

He says that he undertook the swim last week, which has surprised many given the uninvitingly cool sea temperatures at this time of year.  Even more astoundingly, he claims to have come up for air only on 9 occasions.

Disappointingly, there are no independent witnesses to this marvellous feat apart from Willy's 95-year-old housebound mother, Agnes, who stated, "I sawun leave th' 'ouse las' Tuesday.  When 'ee cum back, 'ee was sum ungry, 'ee was.  'Is woollen trunks was soppin' wet too!"

Willy is now appealing for witnesses prepared to state that they saw him on his marathon swim, which took place between 9.10 am and 9.45 am last Tuesday morning.  He adds, "If anyone duh come forward, I'll see un alright, when the money duh start flowin' in!"

RELUBBUS BUSINESS NEWS

By Business Correspondent O. P. Opie

These pages are usually given over to descriptions of the latest colourful power moves by local magnates such as Mr R.C. Oates and Mr W.G. Trevaskis, whose constant battles for supremacy in the hothouse that is Relubbus' business life are marked by daily cuts and thrusts that send the stockmarkets aspin.

Today, however, we take a look at some of the promising younger businesses in Relubbus that might offer the adventurous investor the opportunity of a lifetime.

Each business is the creation of an inspired young local entrepreneur and we have invited each of them to introduce their business here.

R.U. Bent (23) ("Call me "Rodney!') is a sensitive young man whose extreme closeness to his feminine side made growing up on Gwavas Estate more challenging than would otherwise have been the case.

Two years ago he set up Tranny Taxis of Newbridge and is hugely proud of the 12 car fleet he now has to offer his many clients.  All the drivers are either transsexuals or transvestites and all of them hold advanced driver's licences as well as qualifications in emergency make-up and 'rescue' fashion advice.

Rodney freely admits that he borrowed heavily on the business model of the unexpectedly lucrative Gay Taxi Company of Long Rock, but as he boldly states "There's 'nuff room fer both o' we.  We's Penwith is 'eavin wi' queer folk."

C.E. Drekkly (29) is a Rosudgeon man.  On leaving prison after serving a 6 year sentence for embezzlement and aggravated lies and deception, Charlie found that many doors were closed to him --  including those of his former professions of spiritual healer and financial adviser.

He quickly realised that he would have to employ himself - to set up his own business.  He hit upon the idea of providing hot air balloon trips and thus Bodrifty Family Hot Air Balloons was born.  Bodrifty balloons are launched at Lands End.

The 'basket'is a normal hot air balloon basket, but the  'lift' is provided by 16 helium-filled party balloons. This severely restricted lift potential tends to lead to an automatic fall, once the basket is pushed off the edge of the cliff, but it is sufficient to ensure that the descent is not as dangerously rapid as it might otherwise be.

However, the sensation of travel has been exciting enough to attract thousands of people (all emmets to date) to part with the necessary £1,400, which is the cost of this one way -- and, indeed, in 98% of cases, final -- trip.  Says Charlie, "I emt never looked back; the moneyz pourin' in!"
 

M. T. Head (32) ("Mos' people duh jes' call me Mike!") of Trewern Jailbird House Cleaning Service (TJHCS) has concerned himself with a challenge very similar to that solved by Charlie - namely how to find gainful employment for those newly released from prison, particularly in the case of those who have served time for extremely violent crimes.

Mike came up with the brilliant idea of using violent ex-cons in house cleaning, as they tend to have spent a large period of time in a confined space, which most of them have become anal about keeping clean.

Thus TJHCS was born and it now supplies house cleaning services from Lands End almost up as far as Truro.  The service is available at just £4 per hour and those concerned about their personal safety should take comfort in the fact that only 13% of the customer base has taken a bashing from their cleaners and there have been as yet no fatalities.  Says Mike, "The buzness is rockin' 'ere.  We're coinin' it in!  I've booked up fer 7 days 'oliday over Sennen.  Cash on the nail!"

E. B. Nigh (53) of Nancegollan offers Christian Car Cleaning and Gardening Services.  Edward ("Call me 'Teddie'") Nigh has been a sidesman at Chapels all over West Penwith and he is also a keen singer of hymns.  It was after morning service at Nancegollan Methodist Chapel that he was inspired to set up a car cleaning and gardening services company staffed solely by Methodist fundamentalists, who would carry out their work whilst singing hymns selected by their customers from the Methodist Hymn Book.

The business has boomed.  He now has 746 singing employees out working for the company and praising the Lord all over Cornwall.  It is expected that the service will launch out over the Tamar into England next month.

Negotiations have also been held with the Liechtenstein Lutheran Church to import this successful recipe for 'working whilst praising' into that country.

X. S. Wind (45) of Boskednan Dolls is a contented man.  Xenophon, or "Xen" as he likes to be known, worked for many years on the cheese counter in the lower Kwop in Penzance, where he achieved a notoriety for not wearing trousers.  Then came the moment when he got the idea of setting up his own company.

He says, "Th'idea come to me in a flash - get your kids interested in the wider worl' with Cuddly Political Dolls!!"

From his Boskednan headquarters and factory (employing 2,500 people) his company now turns out thousands of versions of dolls of  'Cute Lovable Margaret Thatcher, Romantic Arthur Scargill, 'Brummie boy' idol Enoch Powell, 'Big softie really' Bob Crow and soulful Melanie Philips. Apparently, the favourite doll is Daring Dick Cole, set to become an MP, overseas in Westminster.

Xen asks us to point out that the 'adult' version of the inflatable Margaret Thatcher doll is now available for men (3 A4 batteries provided, but no bicycle pump.  He further advises that the sell-out 'adult' version of the inflatable Margaret Beckett doll is now out of stock.

ENTY MAY'S SALON

Enty May (43 and Nancledra born and reared) is a much-loved contributor to the Roundup, who is prized by many for the carefully considered advice she hands out to those beset with the quandaries of modern life.

As she is also known for the quality of intellectual cut and thrust in her renowned Gwavas 'salon', we have asked her to share with us a snippet or two from her busy high society life - the envy of many in West Penwith.

Ello, my luvvers! Oweealldoinov? 

They nice Roundup people 'ave ast me to let ee all into bitta my busy life.  Well, I couldn' say'naw, could I, speshially when they offered a 'ole boxa they Ferrero Rotchers for 'un.  So 'ere goes!

I wuz deown Kwop 'smornin nice ' early doing my weekly shopliftin' an all I could 'ear roun' me was "Idn neverbinusbadazis".

So I said to Mrs 'Ollis (oo's out and about again after her opration down blow las' month) "Wassall that aboutuh? What ebbent bin subad?"

She said "This 'ere bad weather we're avin, tha's what!  I tell ee 'sfreezin up Buryan.  Ole man o' 98 upair 'ad 'is back'ouse toilet completely freeze ovver.  W'as worse, 'eed fallen asleep on un at the time an 'ad to be unfrozen with a blow torch!  Well, nearly did fer'n nat did, poor ole bugger."

"O, es", said I, with 'n understandin nod, while I carefully 'id nuther tin o' beans deown  my knickers.  

The shoppin was getting' a bit 'eavy neow and was beginin to show through the extra large cot I duh wear fer shopliftin.  So I said my goodbyes and went up tuh the till, where I 'anded over the pack o' penny chews I duh always get 'n pay fer.  While I was payin, I could ear the roar o' the car engine eoutside.

My eldest nephew, Trev, oo's 13 - summgoodeeis too, bless 'issoul - was waitin outside in today's noo car. Trouble is when you've borrowed ovun withoutta key, 's best to keep the engine runnin' --  which is jest as well as I might 'ave ad to leave in a 'urry.

I struggled roun to the back o the car, fished out the week's shopliftin' 'n chucktenall in the boot 'cept fer the bottle o' vodkee fer boy Trev, oo'd gone tuh the trouble a getting up early to find a car fer we and needed to 'ave a good reward.

Trev took a fews swigs and then drove me roun' tuh the Penzance Arts Club, where I was givin my weekly talk - topic gis week "Can Tories 'ave souls?"  Course, after a 'our o' entertaining deliberation, I 'ad to conclude that Tories only 'ave assoles - bleddy big ones too!"

Then - good as 'is word - Trev, my li'l bird, come roun' with a anawther noo car to tek me 'ome fer a nice cuppa tea and vodka.

Couldn' sit roun fer too long.  Ad tuh get muskates on, as I a'd that President Teacosy o' Frince comin round fer private advice on 'is li'l problum.  Anyway, more 'bout that sum other time. I gotta getonagain 'ereneow.  Cheers neow!  See ee 'gen dreckly!

Enty May

RELUBBUS CLASSIFIEDS

People seeking people

Renée Dunk (53) is a traffic warden from Marazion, but she is also a very special person, because she has recently won the fabulous £3.49 prize that goes with the title of Relubbus Equestrian Tennis Champion 2009. Can you spot the tennis racket in this photo?

Rene – as she prefers to be known – is the only person known to play tennis on horseback in the whole of Relubbus. She is wondering if there is a young man out there who would like to play with her? Reply to Roundup Box 1

Bernice, a wild girl (63) from Nancledra wants a strong man to tame her. “Will you be my Hercules?”

Although currently confined to home waiting for two hip replacements and one knee, she is still feisty and hungry for love.

Bernice likes going in on the bus to Penzance, but would love a romantic weekend for two in Relubbus "with the right man with all 'is bits workin'". Roundup Box 2

Hetty (aged somewhere between 21 and 74), lives in a bedsit in Morrab Road, Penzance. She has conquered deafness to become a viola soloist (in her own room).

She works in the Prom KWOP and is addicted to logic puzzles and nicotine. Likes body metal and is into controlled pain – for others.

Seeks young men who are willing to serve. Roundup Box 3

Neville (31) a farmhand from Botallack seeks a woman to share his varied interests. He has become something of an expert in cross-stitch and is the current West Penwith (West) gooseberry growing champion, having produced a whopper of 8 inches circumference, which he will be happy to show you.

He has a bicycle chain collection of 749 pieces from around the world and which contains one piece dating back to 1915. They need to be washed and greased every day. Neville is looking for the right lady to help him and, as he says, “Hey, and whilst our hands are greasy,…..” Roundup Box 4

Vladimir is a man with a problem. He has a charming wife and two children and leads a busy life as a Prime Minister running a large country in Eastern Europe, the name of which he would like to keep quiet. However, over the years, he has come to realise that he has been living a lie, as some of his publicity photos have revealed.

Increasingly, he wishes to show - and share - his feminine side – with an understanding male. After consulting (at great expense) a medium – Mrs Bathsheba Liddicoat (95) – whilst on incognito holiday in the People’s Republic of Hayle, he has come to realise that he desperately needs to occasionally leave the hustle and bustle of public life and cuddle up in West Cornwall with a ‘real man, who would take care of me”.

Vladimir would like to hear from a rugged accountant working anywhere the right side of Camborne (i.e. west of it), who lives alone, has a strong aroma, and who also likes to play knife games. Roundup Box 5

Goods and Services

Singer serenader(s) for that special occasion!! If it’s important, ‘say it with a song’, be it a 109^th birthday; making a marriage proposal; wanting to give Dad a good final send-off. We can provide the perfect mood music for any event . Choose any one or combination of Horace Melly (81 and baritone), Gladys Tink (79 and soprano) and Joseph Art (49 and castrato). £3.50 an hour for one voice, £6.50 for two and £8.50 for all three. A further £5 will secure performance in underwear and £10 for a completely nude show. (NB Wheelchair access is required for Mr Melly). St Buryan 402764

Exotic cheeses for Christmas. You can make cheese from any sort of milk and no one knows that better than Doris Daniel (87). She lovingly creates her unusual cheeses from rat, yak, dog, pig, skunk and her very own cat’s milk. All varieties available at just £75 per pound. But remember, it is special and you will never eat any thing like it again!! Goldsithney 57291

Yes, you can be gay at Christmas!! Full range of LBGT-themed wallpaper, serviettes, toilet paper and paper hats!! Available from the Bent Gnome at Crowlas. 673021

Beat the winter cold with solar-powered heated slippers – just £250 the pair from Tregears at Mousehole. Just leave them in the sun for a summer and they will keep your feet warm as toast for 15 minutes at least!! Mousehole 693722

Novel Calor gas room fragrancer. What is it? Well, a wooden frame supports a bowl into which the perfume of your choice is poured, then the calor gas is lit and you have a room fragrancer that will be the envy of your friends!! Only £97.99 from Polwhele and Polwhele of Porthgwarra 529134 (NB you must supply your own bowl, fragrance and calor gas.)

Avalaff Promotions offer the new funtime diversion for smokers at Christmas – Gelignite Surprise. The cigarette box looks like normal No.6, but one of the ciggies is a stick of gelignite – just look at their faces when that goes off!! Long Rock 672013

Remaindered Arthur Scargill Fairy Tale Cassette Tapes. Yes, pack of cassette tapes featuring Arthur Scargill reading all your favourite fairy tales, but with a Socialist twist - just 49 pence a set!!. Free Scargill Wig with every pack, so that you can look like your hero! From People’s Republic of Hayle Socialist Funshop on Hayle 543981

PENSIONERS BLASTED INTO SPACE

The picture shows the moment at the NASA (Neerly Alright Space Agency) launch pad at Cape Cornwall on Friday, when all twelve inhabitants of a Sancreed Old Folks Home were blasted into space aboard a specially-adapted Western National bus, en route for Mars, the Red Planet.

The successful launch was the culmination of years of planning and effort by thousands of scientists at the giant St Buryan Space City.

As the launch was relayed, on giant television screens, to the underground control room on the seventh level of the Space City, jubilant engineers burst into spontaneous applause, hugging each other in delight. Some were so overcome with relief that their years of effort had not been in vain that tears coursed uncontrolled down their faces.

The object of the expedition is to found a colony -- a kind of mini St Buryan -- on Mars. It is hoped that, in time, the colonists (being Cornish) will be able to exploit the vast mineral wealth of their new home. Once mines have been established, it is envisaged that a trading station will be set up, and that wealth will flow back to the "motherland" of St Buryan.

All the pensioners are volunteers who have seized the chance to begin a new life on the Red Planet. When asked why they volunteered for the mission, a majority said -- unaccountably -- that it was because they were bored with life in Sancreed!

As the picture shows, none of the intrepid astronauts -- courageous though they undoubtedly are -- were willing to sit on the open top deck of the bus during lift-off.

To make the expedition possible, two litres of fuel were supplied free by Cornish entrepreneur and philanthropist W.G. Trevaskis, with Trevaskis's arch-rival RC ("Arsey") Oates and the Kwop making similarly generous contributions.

HEAMOOR MAN IN LOVE TRIANGLE!!

Kwop Garage attendant, Denzil “Combover” Angarrack (39) of Bramangath Cottage, Heamoor has achieved notoriety by becoming the first Heamoor man to marry two women – sisters – at the same time, in the Heamoor mosque, located at his home, Bramangath cottage.

Denzil, a natty man-about-town, well known to the folk of Heamoor for his daring hairstyle, seems well able to cope with his new-found fame.

The two sisters, Pat (32) and Trish (34) Tregellis of Colinsey Road, Treneere, are both ‘relationship therapy assistants’ in Penzance, although neither of them has yet received any convictions.

The two girls are thought to have been completely unswayed in their decision to marry by Denzil’s claims to have recently had a big win on the lottery. Further, they were clearly not put off by his previous girlfriend’s nickname for him of “magnifying glass”.

The previous girlfriend, Tamsin (formerly Terry) ‘Balls’ Wakfer (38) of The Shed, Boscathnoe, was claiming yesterday to be completely indifferent to the sudden marriage of her boyfriend for twenty five years (“We wuz in the Scouts t’gether!”).

When quizzed about her feelings outside the Heamoor outlet of the RC Oates Superstore in which she is a hygiene assistant, she stated “anyone goin’ fer they two tarts d’need their bleddy ‘eads read!”

Referring to the supposed lottery win, she added, “they’ll be as lucky t’ find any money as they will be t’ find anythin’ useful in ‘is trousers.”

The two sisters, Pat and Trish, have readily embraced Islam, as has Denzil, who has converted his utility room into a mosque (‘although I ‘ad to leave the washin’ machine in there or I would’ve ‘ad ‘ell from my mawther!’).

In Denzil’s rather liberal interpretation of Islam, the primary (and, indeed, sole) religious requirement is to eat a bar of Fry’s Turkish Delight occasionally and, whilst doing so, to "do the music as well, an’ the girls gotta do the dence!”

The excited sisters have worked out a bedroom rota for Denzil, although Denzil’s mother, Agnes (91), who lives at Bramangath, says that she will decide what goes on under her roof.

The Roundup will continue to report on this unusual romantic liaison.

BARGAIN CORNER

Eco-friendly wind-up fridge. Can hold half pound of butter and one pint of milk!! Requires only 36 revolutions a minute to keep contents at a constant cool 18 degrees. £545. Call Ernie Rescorla on St Just 872.
One Wellington Boot size 8 left foot, 17 years old, but NO holes! £21. Interested should write enclosing £2.50 reservation and administration fee to D. Dungey, No.4 Boswergy Caravan Park.
Nine sticks of rhubarb (last year’s crop) 47 pence (£45, if delivered). Call Roy on his mobile, 07789 654230.
Paraffin-powered Kiddies night light only £6. Ask for Christine in Penzance Lower Kwop.
Ladies hob-nailed boots, left foot size 5 and right foot size 10 (with "LTregonning" cut into leather). Will suit lady called L Tregonning with appropriately-sized feet. £9. Enquiries to Hazel at Tregenza’s fruiterers in Penzance.
Elderly lady’s underwear (large) Complete set as she has no further need of them. Recently washed and no stains, £37. Apply at Pendrea Home for the Aged.
Gent’s toothbrush, still with some bristles left in the middle, 49 pence. Ask for Denis in the kitchens at the Queens Hotel, Penzance.
One pair of Lady’s Incontinence knickers (new elastic fitted and padding partly renewed!) only 25 pence. Speak to Sylvia Trenwith (when sober only!!) at the Dolphin Inn, Newlyn.
35 cotton buds for ear-cleaning. Only used twice and well-wiped, 25 pence. Apply to the Rev Obadiah Polkinghorne at Marazion Methodist Chapel any Sunday.
Man’s woollen bathing costume in faded purple, patched up (except for fart hole) and fitted with new piece of string. Good for, at least, four more swims. Only 72 pence. Apply to Denzil Rosewarne at Porthmeor Beach, St Ives, who sells Saffron Buns and Kernewek Kemmyn crosswords.

LILY LOOKALIKE SPOTTED IN MARAZION

The mystery lady who bears a remarkable resemblance to Lily Nichols, the con-artist and ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, has been sighted again, this time in Marazion. Previous sightings have been in Morrison's, the KWOP, and Lidl's in Penzance. She has also been seen loitering outside the flagship RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus.

This time, the mystery woman seemed to think that she had been invited to start the Trevaskis Challenge Round the World Raft Race (jointly sponsored by W.G. Trevaskis and English Heritage). Luckily, ace Roundup photographer "Snapper" Kelynack was in Marazion to cover the start of the race, and took the picture on the left.

Meanwhile, Lily Nichols herself, who makes a very comfortable living out of convincing the English media that she is an aristocrat (the mythical Duchess of Cornwall) is said to be furious at the antics of the interloper, whom she sees as trying to cash in on her territory.

"'Oo duh she think she is?" Lily complained yesterday. "Lollopin' aroun' like a git muppet, askin' people "How do you do?" an' "What do you do?" in thet bleddy silly voice?!"

DO YOU KNOW THIS MYSTERY WOMAN???

People all over West Cornwall have been encountering a mystery woman, pictured below, who stops them, and asks "How do you do?" and "What do you do?" in an affected way, which suggests she believes that the innocent accostee knows who she is, which they never do.

She has been spotted in Morrison's, in the KWOP and at Lidl's in Penzance. She has also been seen loitering with intent outside the flagship RC Oates Supestore in Relubbus.

Some suspect that she is trying to emulate the celebrity of Lily Nichols, the ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, who is widely admired in Cornwall for having conned large sections of the gullible English media into believing that she is an aristocrat, namely the wife of the so-called Duck of Cornwall.

Lily's impersonations are particularly effective when she is accompanied by her friend from the home with his impressive set of false ears.

Maybe the mystery lady is after the same acclaim as Lily, to whom she bears a strong resemblance, except in the matter of body odour, where she has way to go to match Lily's virulent pungency.

Quite apart from her strong physical similarity to Lily Nichols, she also resembles her in that she likes a good roll-up, and has been seen popping into various stores to top up her supplies of Old Shag and cigarette papers. She then starts badgering people for a light, saying things like, "I simply must smoke it here, Big Ears doesn't like it when I smoke at home!"

The mystery lady also like to take a drink or two, or three....

MILLENIUM DOME SOLD TO RELUBBUS

GRUC CHAIRMAN BILLY SPARGO ACQUIRES SURPLUS GOVERNMENT STOCK
Latest report from our roving reporter Horton Tregarthen

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo flew into the recently completed Terminal 5 at Relubbus International Airport yesterday with some exciting news.

Speaking from the steps of the Council's Air Force 1, he told the assembled crowd of reporters that, while on holiday up London, he had wandered down Petticoat Lane and found that Charlie Tresidder (a quondam resident of Goldsithney) was selling off the O2 Arena (formerly known as the Millennium Dome), with the London Eye thrown in free.

Billy, fortuitously having the Council's petty cash box in his environmentally-friendly Kwop shopping bag, decided that the spare cash he had brought for "expenses" could be used to benefit the Council by buying the Dome.

Dome ready to be towed by tug around to Relubbus

After handing over £3. 17s. 6d to Charlie (and getting a receipt, to comply with the Council's standing orders), he telephoned his niece, local reporter Tryphena Spargo-Spargo, who passed the inside story on to the Roundup.

"'Ere", he told her, "that bleddy tent thing they cain't find a use fer up Lundun will come in 'andy fer putting over our new caravans on Mount Relubbus when it d git a bit windy."

The Eye is proving a little difficult to get back to Relubbus, so Billy is going to ring the NT and see if they will buy it for the new Trengwainton Wildlife Park.

He reckons they "smart buggers up there will be able to think of a way to raffle it off for their funds. But we d' think any nervous members can use it if they're a bit frightened of the new setup with all they there wild animals."

EXCLUSIVE: "WILLIAM WALES" ENJOYS RELUBBUS HIGHLIFE

Roundup Diarist Madron Killigrew lifts the veil off Relubbus Society
By day, man-about-town Madron Killigrew (32) is a shopping trolley collector at the RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus, but every evening he is the "must have" guest at soirees, parties, functions, launches and social occasions of every kind throughout Relubbus.

As he is such a well-connected young man, constantly in and out of the best addresses in fashionable Boswedden Lane, he is the natural choice to write our Society Diary...

Pictured here are no strangers to the upmarket Coke Bar in Lower Boswedden Lane -- Willy Wales (32), heir to the English throne, accompanied by his latest squeeze, Kate Middleton (29).

Willy is a keen motor bike rider and purchased this mean machine from Long Rock Speedsters. Each bike comes with four free packets of Wills Woodbines, and Willy manfully draws a lungful while he poses for this picture.

Kate playfully calls Willy "Bratwurst" to remind him of his family's German origins, while Willy playfully calls Kate "doors to manual" to remind her of her mum's job before she struck lucky.



Pictured yesterday as they strode along to the Karl Lagerfeld fashion show being held at the Boswedden Lane Upper Kwop are, on the left, Jade Goody (44), with devoted admirer John Todd (29), who plays Tonto in the popular Lone Ranger series now showing on Relubbus television.

John and Jade have already had seven children, but are believed to be trying for another, as Jade would like nothing better than to have a "little red injun" child.

The family fortunes have slumped somewhat in the recent past following the death of various people who have been trying Jade's slimming products. Whilst they certainly help fatties shed the pounds, it seems they also induce rapid heart failure. Says Jade, "Oh well, back to the drawing board!"

Startled by our hotshot photographer Horton Baragwaneth, the latest Mrs Sarkozy, voluptuous Carla Bruni (45), is shown here coming out of Daphne Tregonning's hairdresser's in Boswedden lane, Relubbus. The former Ms Bruni used to have her hair done at Shelleys Hair and Beauty in St Just. Wanting to treat herself to something really special for her wedding, she went to Daphne Tregonning's for a hairdo and special body makeover -- and never looked back.

Mere mortals thinking of giving themselves the "Tregonning treatment" in order to look just like Carla are reminded that a hairdo alone at Daphne's costs £2.99, whilst the full body makeover costs a further £1.39. Better save up, girls!

Vic Pengelly (35) is pictured here at his wedding to budding and pouting Relubbus film starlet, Agnes Trevorrow (39).

Pengelly, the dreamboat manager of the Relubbus Labour Exchange was always believed to have been a Boots-bag-carrying icon of the West Penwith gay movement, often seen exiting the Morrab Gardens gents' toilets, while Miss Trevorrow was always regarded as being his "beard".

There was stunned reaction throughout the West Penwith gay community at the announcement of his wedding. The happy couple are thrilled with this picture, which they have chosen to be the official picture of their happy event.

Pictured on the left are the famous Sennen Cove juggling trio, the Menheniot Brothers, pictured outside their caravan with their widowed mother Bathsheba (108).

The boys all work at the St Erth Creamery. From right to left are Tommy (42), Zeke (51), and Archilaus (62). Archilaus only last week got out of prison, where he was serving a 4 year sentence for various instances of indecency. He has now removed the offending elements from his part of the juggling act.

The boys will be performing live at the Relubbus Panopticon theatre all next week.

KWOP ANNUAL OUTING

ALMOST, BUT NOT QUITE, A SUCCESS AGAIN!
Staff at the Upper (top of Causewayhead) and Lower (Queens Square) Kwop in Penzance had their annual mystery charabanc tour last week.

Always hugely popular, each year there is the prospect of being taken off to some exotic mystery destination. Last year, the destination turned out to be Marazion beach. Wrapped up warm against the biting wind and driving rain, the jolly Kwop employees amused themselves playing beach games and managed to keep going until warm pasties and tea arrived. Devouring these quickly before they cooled, they then scuttled back into the waiting charabancs and set off on the long (three punctures) journey back home.
Pictured above is the happy crew before setting out last week -- and before the unfortunate incident

Yes, it's all smiles in the picture of last week's trip -- and why shouldn't it be? The destination turned out to be Land End -- always popular with the young folks.

On the left of the picture is the vehicle that developed the fatal brakes problem, which only became apparent when the driver (Dickie Trembath, 41, shown on the extreme left) was demonstrating to Betsy Clemo (25) on the extreme right "'jes 'ow fas' this li'l beauty can go and 'ow quick I can stop". Picking the scenically breathtaking final destination of Lands End for this impromptu demonstration proved to be the undoing not only of himself and of Betsy, but also, of course, of all the other occupants of the charabanc, as it went hurtling over the cliff's edge at Lands End at a speed of 52 mph...

The occupants of the other Kwop charabancs at first mistakenly thought that the rapidly disappearing vehicle had been hired out to visiting Japanese tourists of a kamikaze variety.

They then discovered, to their great dismay, that the entire cheese, bacon, bakery and tinned goods sections of the Upper Kwop had been "taken out" at a stroke.

It goes without saying that enjoyment of the rest of the outing was somewhat muted. Mr Addicoat (67), the general manager (pictured on the right wearing a hat and with a handkie in his top pocket), spent the rest of the day working out how to man the two shops with diminished staff numbers.

Meanwhile, the remainder of the staff put a brave face on it and, the weather being warm and benign, took off their coats and played rounders until the pasties and tea arrived.

Thus duly revived, and with many a mention of the need for taking on "the war spirit", our plucky KWOP operatives gave themselves over to, at first tentative, but then gradually increasingly enthusiastic nips of fortifying spirits supplied by Mr Addicoat.

All in all, the surviving members of the Kwop staff deemed the 2008 annual outing a great success.

If any readers have particular aptitudes in respect of the keeping of cheese, bacon or breads, they are asked to contact Mr Addicoat, who may well have good news for them in respect of lucrative employment in the Upper Kwop in Penzance.

PENDEEN MAN WINS CARN GLOOSE LOTTERY

The surprise winner of this year's internationally-famed annual Carn Gloose Lottery can now be revealed to be none other than Pendeen man, Simon Jacka (37).

Mr Jacka, pictured here with his huge cheque following the presentation at the Newlyn Deep Sea Fishermen's Mission, accompanied by some rapidly-appearing and ever hopeful female admirers (all of whom work in the Newlyn Kwop), said that he had bought his £5 ticket some three months ago and then promptly forgot all about it.

"When I 'eard they numbers comin' up on Radio Kernow, it sounded a bit familiar. I 'ad plum fergot I 'ad that ticket, but when I 'eard they numbers, I pulled un out and couldn' bleeve I'd won the bleddy thing!"

Literally tens of tickets are sold throughout the year to hopefuls, who all have their eye on the big prize. This year the winning ticket brings Mr Jacka the princely sum of £341.95. Mr Jacka (42) is single and works over St Erth Creamery as a cleaner. He has, over the years, acquired a reputation as something of a gambling playboy on the West Cornwall scene and can often be seen down the Mecca Bingo, but a win on this scale was beyond his wildest dreams

Mr Jacka (39) plays trombone in Pendeen band and came 5th in the sack race in his penultimate year at primary school. His mother, Lizzie (96), who lives nearby in an old folks' home, was over the moon.

"Now ee've won 'is fortune, all ee duh want now is to settle down with sum nice li'l maid", she said.

The nice little maids in the picture are from the left Rowena Pascoe (18, cheese counter), Olive Pengelly (21, bacon counter), Avril Pearce (23, fruit and vegetables) and Lavinia Andrewartha (19, till). Unfortunately, when the girls realised that the winnings were £341.95 and not £341,950, they disappeared as quickly as they came.
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RELUBBUS AIRWAYS ARE PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THE RE-INTRODUCTION OF THEIR POPULAR "SELECTOR" FLIGHTS
Relubbus Airways, "the people's choice" airline, with scheduled daily return flights from Relubbus International airport to St Just airport, Newquay, and Wellington in New Zealand, has succumbed to enormous public pressure and is re-introducing its hugely popular, but controversial, "Selector" flights.

Pictured on the left is the Merlin turbo-prop nine-seater, manufactured by the Cornish Aircraft Corporation (CAC) at Rosudgeon, that will be used for the flights, which are regarded as the ultimate thrill in air travel.

The Selector is a variant of musical chairs with one crucial difference. Passengers are secured into their seats with hand and ankle cuffs. When safely airborne, the Selector is switched on. Stirring music is heard -- vigorously hummed or whistled by the pilot. A light on top of the headrest of each seat is illuminated -- one after the other. When the music stops, the occupant of the illuminated seat is "selected" and receives a 150,000 volts electric shock.

In an atmosphere of ever growing suspense, up to three selections can be made per flight.

One of the survivors from the last flight in June last year commented, "You just don't know suspense till you've been on a Selector -- it could be curtains for you! You feel so relieved when you are one of the last six, who will touch down, but then you can't wait to get up there again for that special buzz!"

Selector flights will start next week from Relubbus International and will cost £8500 per person. Special rates for "Get the Groom" stag parties!! Tel. Relubbus 456830