MOUNTAIN VIEW CALIFORNIA BEATS SALES TARGETS FOR THE ROUNDUP!!

The Relubbus Roundup is read by an eager public around the world.  Sales hot spots occur in places as varied as Vaduz in Liechtenstein, Punta Arenas in Tierra del Fuego, sunny Medvezhka in Russia and Warumungu in Australia.

However, nowhere achieves the astounding sales figures registered by our enthusiastic sales team in Mountain View, California.

The team, pictured left, consists of Bunty Wakfer (21), Tizzie Trembath (32), Bill Rosewarne (29), "Tubs" Blewett (28) and Daphne Angwin (27).

Together, they have managed to sell 45,000 copies of the Roundup in the last month alone, beating their target of 44,975 by an amazing 25!

The quintet of beauties has therefore won this month's sales prize of a 25%-off morning at Flambards, followed by a slap-up half-price meal at Highlane Fish and Chip shop in Hayle.
Well Done the Girls!!

ADVERTISEMENTS

Tamsin's Lenin Chocolates

Surprise your loved one this Christmas with Communist Chocolates!!

Lovingly crafted by Tamsin Behenna (56) of Boswergy and inspired by Vladimir Ilyich himself, these Lenin Chocolates are politically pure and can be eaten without reservation by Marxists, Leninists and even Trotskyites and Maoists.

They are also good for anyone - especially women - who might be on a diet, since they are the world's first chocolates that contain no chocolate and that are entirely fat-free.

Indeed, certified as calorie-free by the prestigious Prospidnick Institute, Tamsin's Lenin chocolates are made on the family dairy farm fresh every day and are sold in mini-buckets specially sealed to keep the freshness in.

Each mini-bucket contains 20 chocolates - or blobs - and, once the bucket has been opened, they must all be polished off quickly within, at most, 20 minutes, whilst making appropriate use of the peg and plastic glove provided.

A bucket of 20 chocolates  will cost as little as £50 for an eating experience your loved one will never forget!  Available at RC Oates Superstores and at all good shops.

Olive Opie - for dental hygiene the old-fashioned way!

Build-up of plaque is one of the arch-enemies of good dental health and there is a lot that you can do yourself to keep your teeth fresh and clean by, for example, regular brushing at least once or twice a year.

However, despite this rigorous attention, plaque can stiil build up and, before you know it, you could find yourself being measured up for a full set of balsa wood choppers!

But you needn't let it get this bad.  You simply have to make an appointment with Olive now and again and every trace of plaque will be removed from your teeth quickly and - almost - painlessly, using tried and tested old-fashioned methods.

Olive (pictured) uses only a carefully adapted wire brush and especially soft sandpaper to lift off the plaque without taking too much of the enamel off your teeth.  After the healing period, which normally takes no more than a few weeks, you will be able to flash your gleaming Hollywood-style white teeth at everybody!

Olive will come to perform her dental hygiene magic in the comfort of your own home or caravan.

Treatent costs just £150 per hour, plus VAT.  Call Sennen 567543.

What does your Pasty say about You?

Professor A J Tonkin (52) visiting lecturer at the Relubbus Institute of Psychology has just published a thrilling new book, which is set to take the whole of the Cornish world by storm.

"What does your Pasty say about You?", published by Curyak Press of Tolcarne, contains insights gained by Professor Tonkin over 5 years of concentrated research into pasty-making.

His central theory is that a person's character is revealed and can be easily read  in the type of pasty they make.

Do you crimp on the left?  Then you are 'normal'.  Do you crimp on the top?  Then you are either a dangerous pervert, who ought to be locked up, or from Devon, in which case you have no business making pasties at all.  Do you crimp on the right?  Then you are probably a candidate for gender re-assignment.

These observations are the easy ones, but there are many hundreds more conclusions that can be drawn from how you make a pasty, the type of fat used, the mix of fat and flour, the proportion of turnick to tatee, the amount of onion, the cut and amount of meat and so on.

Beyond that, there is another set of conclusions that can be drawn from how you actually eat a pasty.

This 600 page tome is worth every penny of the £98 cover price and goes on sale tomorrow in the book section of all WG Trevaskis stores.  Interested?  The hurry along to get your copy.  These books are expected to sell quicker than hot pasties!

MAJOR INTERNATIONAL NEWS COLLABORATION ANNOUNCED

Relubbus Roundup teams up with the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt!

Although it is far smaller than Relubbus with (at the last count, in 2004) just 34,600 inhabitants, Liechtenstein has two excellent newspapers, one of which, with millions of readers, has been selected by the Roundup as its international partner. This lucky winner is the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt.

The two globally significant news organisations sent one representative each to a half way point (a roadside café in Hesperange in Luxembourg) to sign an historic agreement which will henceforth mean that Liechtenstein gets inside news about Relubbus and vice versa. The news of the signing has sent ripples around the media world and is said to have caused Rupert Murdoch to have sleepless nights.

Attending the signing for the Volksblatt is their Economics Editor, the very well-informed and deeply attractive Kornelia Pfeiffer.

Kornelia (27 and from Vaduz), pictured here on the left, has the equivalent of thirty two 'O' levels, including Typing and Geography. She is finely attuned to the vibrant throbbing rhythm which characterises the Liechtenstein economy.

Kornelia has long been fascinated by Cornwall and looks forward to an attachment to the Roundup at its premises in the Swordfish, Newlyn.

The Roundup's able representative at what will, in future Media Studies degrees, come to be known as the Hesperange Agreement, is none other than the grand-daughter of the Relubbus mega multi-billionnaire R.C. Oates, little Tamsin Oates. Party girl Tamsin left school (the prestigious and fabulously expensive Nancledra Ladies Academy, run by Miss Tregonning) at sixteen without any qualifications, but this has not held her back in her glittering career. Now 23, she runs the stationery and catering departments at the Roundup.

Curious readers can view the online version of the Volksblatt at www.volksblatt.li.

The link up will provide readers in both countries with many advantages. Two avid readers, Grace Hocking (37) and her friend Martha Lukies (45) from Gunwalloe, pictured here on holiday in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, welcomed news of the big media hook-up. "If you duh think ov'un, it'll be uh proper job. If I duh advertise Enty Mabel's old mangle fer sale in the Roundup, someone from why over to Liechtenstein might want to buy'un. It duh give we a bigger audience, dunna?"

Delighted Volksblatt reader Max Buechli declared, "Tja, wir freuen uns wahnsinning darüber. Relubbus und Vaduz gehören zusammen."

It is expected that the media link will lead to many other cross-cultural connections between Relubbus and Liechtenstein. The Relubbus Institute for Foreign Languages will be making great efforts to help bridge the language barrier. It is producing one of its famous four-way phrasebooks, a few snippets of which we present here. It tells you what you need to say...

Yn Gernow:

• Piw os'ta?
• Ass yw brav an gewer.
  
• Toemm yw hi.

In Cornwall:

• Oo aree?
• Proper weather, inna?
• Sum 'ot inna?

In England:

• Who are you?
• What fine weather!
• It is hot.

In Liechtenstein:

• Wer sind Sie?
• Was für schönes Wetter!
• Mir ist heiß.

People interested in travelling to Liechtenstein will be thrilled to hear that, from next Wednesday, the Western National Bus Service will be running half-hourly services from Penzance Railway Station, via Relubbus, to Vaduz in Liechtenstein. The competitively-priced service will cost £1 14s 4d for a single ticket and £2 9s 8d for a return.

POLITICAL COMPLICATIONS IN CORNWALL

On the borders of Relubbus all is not not well..  A dispute has broken out between the People's Repubic of Hayle and its breakaway religious  state, the Extreme Methodist (including Wesleyan, United, Primitive and Bible Christian) Fundamentalist State of Angarrack.

Hayle (Republyk Gwerynek Heyl) is, of course, a somewhat bleak Communist state ruled firmly, and indeed harshly, by Stalinist dictator Tregavarah Ventongimps. 

However, Ventongimps' mother, 102 year old Agnes (pictured here), is a devout Catholic and, for this reason, Hayle is tolerant of religion and has a thriving Church.

Thanks to her support, the Church often acts as a brave, but largely ignored, voice for broader freedom in the depressingly sombre and suffocating gloom of this Communist paragon.

Angarrack ("The rock" in Kernowek) is a Methodist Fundamentalist police state rigidly controlled by His Extreme Holiness Ayatollah 'Arry ben Jago, who is never without a microphone.  'Arry prides himself on having no more flexibility than a rock.

'Arry is much given to public executions and firmly believes that they serve the purpose of renewing public commitment to the state. In the quest to find victims for the monthly executions, offences as light as parking on a double yellow line can suffice to bring you to an early meeting with your Maker.

If your face doesn't fit, then that too will suffice.  It is a case of this sort that has captured the attention of Angarrack-watchers, who are scandalised by the routine barbarity meted out to the long-suffering inhabitants of this rogue state.

Lowda Gof is a 23-year-old mobile nail technician who was caught parking on a double yellow line.  On top of that she was pronounced a vampire and condemned to death next month.

Unfortunate-looking Lowda has, however, captured the hearts of many Angarrack-watchers.  In her own tearful words, she says, "I aren't no bleddy vampire. I ebbent drunk no blood nur nuthin ligat.  I jes got funny teeth.  I put my 'ands up - I done the double yellow, but I was bustin' to go toylit.  You duh knaw - one o they 'mergencies after a dicky curry las' night."

Her plight has attracted the sympathy and active support of the Bishop of Hayle Towans, the charismatic, but unconventional man who has won the powerful patronage  of Agnes Ventongimps.

The Bishop, Ludwig Katzenfurz (49) from Liechtenstein, believes that a camel is the appropriate form of transport in such a sandy place as Hayle Towans. 

Having acquired one at great expense from Morocco, he has now grown curiously - and some say romantically - attached to the beast, which he calls "Schatzi", which means 'darling' in German.

Bishop Katzenfurz, who speaks only German, said through his interpreter, "Zis girl has got a small problem viz her teece, vich only ze good attentions of a skilled dentist can help." 

He went on to say that the death penalty was an excessive punishment for parking on double yellow lines, when a simple public branding and whipping would have quite sufficed.

The support of Agnes Ventongimps for the Bishop has also brought the support of her son, Tregavarah, and thus the support also of the substantial, though antiquated, military apparatus of his Communist state.

Tregavarah has ordered up 10 divisions to the Hayle/Angarrack border in a threatening move calculated to force the leader of the much smaller Angarrack state to reconsider its execution policies.

Included in the military force is a camelcade of 120 clerics led by Biship Katzenfurz, who now views himself as some sort of romantic Lawrence of Arabia character.

The atmosphere is now one of extreme tension.  However, there is no danger that Relubbus itself will get drawn into any resulting conflict.

Speaking from the plush and spacious surroundings of his opulent caravan (with on-board flush toilet) parked at a secret location in Marazion for the summer break, Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) leader, Councillor Billy Spargo (116), said, "If they two wunna play silly buggers, tha's up to they.  I aren't gettin' involved!"

We will report further as the situation develops.

RELUBBUS JUDICIAL SYSTEM CELEBRATED THROUGHOUT WORLD

What makes the Relubbus judicial system the envy of the world?

Our legal correspondent, Tommy 'Asbo' Trezise (31), makes a, for him, unusually sober assessment which he shares with us here:

At the 196th novennial International Judicial Symposium held in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, assembled luminaries of the legal world all concluded that the Relubbus judicial sytem was unparalleled in its innovative approach, its fairness and equity and, above all, in its effectiveness.

The symposium is unique amongst international gatherings in that all its proceedings are conducted in the 'silver' latin of Tacitus.

This remains true today, despite fierce attempts in the 1950s to introduce the latin of Caesar (pictured left) , whose clipped and cuttingly accurate prose was held to be a much more appropriate vehicule for discussion of the law.

It further saw off, a little more easily, later attempts in the 1970s to adopt the lofty language of high Ciceronian address. 

It was thus in the more comfortable medium of the latin of Tacitus that legal systems from across the world were discussed in Vaduz -- with the conclusion that in Relubbus the pinnacle of judicial excellence had been reached.

Some of the judges involved in reaching this decision can be seen on the left leaving the Methodist Cathedral in Vaduz after morning prayers on the final day of the 10 week conference.

Visitors to Relubbus are often taken aback by one of the most startling differences between practice here and elsewhere in the world.

Every word and every sentence heard in the Relubbbus courts is sung and not spoken.

Each day a tune is selected from the Methodist Hymn Book and every word uttered must follow the tune of that selected hymn.

This practice dates back to the 18th century, when inveterate stammerer,  Madron Trembath (82), was called upon to give evidence.  Whilst Madron was sadly known to take up to twenty minutes to say so much as "Gordhewer da", yet he could sing as fluently and as beautifully as a nightingale.

Mr Justice Horton Behenna then gave him special dispensation  to present his evidence in song.  It later became apparent that singing brought other advantages as well.

When one is concentrating on following a tune, it becomes more difficult to dissemble or lie - the increased mental focus thus gives rise to more honest utterances.  With keen Methodist judges in control of the Relubbus courts, it was not long until they ruled that everyone - including themselves - must make all utterances in song only.

As will now be readily appreciated, the focus in Relubbus courts is on stripping away all obstacles and impediments to clear perception of  the truth.

This is also reflected in the unusual dress code in court.  It is believed that being bare-legged provides a gentle reminder that we should all be as naked before the law.  It also has the huge advantage that everyone makes sure to wear clean underwear and this promotes a healthier atmosphere for all.

Mr Justice Standfast Pengelly (56), resplendent in freshly washed and ironed underpants, sang out the following comment to the tune of Charles Wesley's "Author of faith", which is no. 362 in the Methodist Hymn Book:

"The smellinere av gottalot better neow.  Time was you'd aff choke when summa they crimnals wasineer!"

Attendance at the courts is now one of the biggest tourist attractions in Relubbus, with all public gallery spaces in the Relubbus Central Criminal Court fully booked right up to the end of 2015.

So book now, if you want a seat in 2016!

SEX GODDESS SWITCHES ON RELUBBUS LIGHTS

Agnes Treglown (98), President of the Penzance branch of the Silver Thread, based at Penlowarth, and voted Sex Goddess of the Century in 1931 by the members of the Tregavarah cycling, ukelele and Gilbert and Sullivan Society, was selected this year to switch on the magnificent Relubbus Christmas Lights, which illuminate the whole 5 mile length of fashionable Boswedden Lane.

Amongst the VIP guests who flocked to Relubbus for the occasion were His Royal Highness Prince Hans-Adam II of Lichtenstein, together with his charming wife, Queen Tracey, formerly of 14 Colinsey Road in Penzance.

President-elect Barack Obama (pictured here on the left in heavy disguise for security purposes!) and family were official state guests of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman, Billy Spargo (87); the Aga Khan attended with his four wives, all called Doris; Italian wigwearer and politician Silvia Burlesque-only was there with his new love-interest, Mrs Osama (just call me ‘Goky’) Bin Laden; UK House of Commons Speaker, Michael Martin was also an enthusiastic participant in the festivities, losing no opportunity to tell people how he had ‘sorted’ Tory MP troublemakers.

Of course, the credit crunch around the world has had no impact on the Relubbus economy whatsoever. People seem to be spending wildly as never before.

The flagship RC Oates Superstore, shown here on the left together with some of the other 'lights of Relubbus', has apparently been 'raking it in'.

At the store (now officially named by the Guinness Book of Records as the largest store there has ever been and ever will be in the world) Mr Oates has splashed out (some talk in terms of amounts exceeding £15!!!) on extra special lighting to pull in the crowds.

In the lavish entertainment programme which followed the big ‘switch-on’, VIPs, celebrities and as many of the vast crowd that could, flooded into the cavernous majesty of the Grand Golden West Theatre, where they were treated to a spectacular rendition of old favourites from the world-famous Rosudgeon Showtime band, shown here on the left.

To the delight of Agnes Treglown and all her friends from the Silver Thread, the band played many old favourites including Itler, ‘ee only ‘ad one ball, which was, by request, played sixteen times.

Next on the bill came the Andrews Sisters (Barb, Brenda and Betty) from up ‘Eamoor. The glamorous girls - all of whom used to work in Simpsons of Penzance before fame came knocking on their door - had their hair done especially at world-renowned coiffurier Shelley's of Fore Street, St Just before appearing in the show.

To the delight of the huge crowd, they sang some of their greatest hits including I never knew Santa did that with a reindeer!, I won’t fart under the mistletoe!, and Bill Clinton gave me his cigar!

The ‘grand finale’ was provided by the award-winning St Just Waste Operatives Female-Impersonation and Dance Troupe. From left to right are shown Billy Kelynack (34), Archilaus Trembath (41), Dick (“an’ Dora”) Angove (33), Windy Treglown (54 and the star of the troupe, who claims to have stopped wearing trousers 30 years ago); Gwen Upsnoostaree (35), and, lastly, twin brothers Bob and Bert Botheras (36).

By day, they all man the dust carts of West Penwith, but come evening they transform themselves into the picture of female pulchritude you see in the attached snap. Accompanied only by Dougie Blewett on solo triangle and to rapturous applause from the audience, they performed a breathtaking tap routine, which entranced young and old alike.

As the capacity audience of 30,000 departed from the building at the end of the show, they all averred that the splendid show marked the end of a splendid day. But then, they had the treat of walking down a Boswedden Lane with Christmas illuminations which put all other shows to shame.

Meanwhile, Agnes and her friends were whisked away by the waiting Western National Bus (driven by Sidney Rosewarne (52) of St Erth) back to the warm comforting glow of the Lariggan Home for the Terminally Confused.

One occupant of that bus, Agnes herself, was thinking back to the days when the Chairman of that Tregavarah Club - Mr Madron Bolitho - pronounced her Sex Goddess of the Century.

Our correspondent, hitching a ride back to his pad in Adelaide Street, Penzance, was asked by Agnes whether he would publish a picture of Agnes "back in them days". He replied "'Course I'll do un for ee, my luvver", and here it is -- the young Agnes in earlier days!

SWF - SPARGO GIVES HIS BLESSING!!

by Language Correspondent Adelaide Lilicrap

The Single (sometimes 'standard') Written Form (SWF) of Kernewek or Cornish has been the subject of controversy right from the very start. For some years, proponents of competing versions of the Cornish Language have been pitted against one another in a life or death struggle to see their own version prevail. The arrival of the SWF is seen by some to be nothing other than a poor political fudge, engineered by a politically correct Committee, whose product has all the effectiveness of any other "committee horse" with 5 legs and two tails, but no head.

However, the internationally acclaimed Relubbus Philological Institute has now thrown its considerable weight behind the SWF and enjoys the full backing of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC). In fact, Council workers have already been seen out changing street signage throughout Relubbus.

The picture on the left shows a Council worker, Mr Ezekiel Trevains (57) putting the finishing touches to a controversial SWF road instruction. The word is pronounced 'Stop', but is spelt in accordance with the directions of the hard-working SWF Committee.

Reaction has not been mixed. Mr Tommy Polkinghorne (45) Leader of the Revised Late Cornish with smart West Penwith pronunciation faction (2 speakers - Tommy and Mrs Polkinghorne) declared the SWF "a bleddy disaster or 'dezastre', as they would spell it".

Mr Pol Jago (39), a fully qualified hairdresser and Druid and Leader of the Unrevised Unified Proper Cornish faction (7 speakers, of whom 2 are fluent!) stated huffily, "I aren't even gwain to comment!".

The Leaders of the 38 other Cornish language variants all criticised the SWF and swore to keep their own variant of the language alive - to their very deaths.

In the face of this onslaught from the language community, GRUC Leader, Mr Billy Spargo (92) was grim-faced and unrepentant. "Ow the 'ell ken we 'ave a viable language in Cornwall, when all they language boys duh do is squabble about oo's version is right. I duh say to they - Quit squabblin an git workin together. Git be'ind this 'ere SWF and mak' un work!!"

Prinz Hans Adam II of Liechtenstein, on a State visit to Relubbus, joined Billy Spargo on the steps of the magnificent Council building in Boswedden Lane and, in his own special way, which met with stunned and probably highly confused silence, added his voice to the call for unity in the Cornish language movement "If we had various forms of ze language in Liechtenstein had, had we never ze economic success had!"

After some hesitation, the assembled crowd applauded enthusiastically, before all three of them dispersed. On Spargo's instructions, Language teaching has now been halted in all 450 Kernewek Institutes throughout Relubbus so that the 1400 language teachers (representatives of the 38 competing versions) can agree one form to teach.

They are being locked up in the Relubbus Methodist Central Hall with no food or water and just the one toilet roll so as to focus their minds. They will be released only once they have achieved complete agreement.

Diary notes for Readers. We are frequently asked what is coming up next by our readers, in particular by five persistent folk, who, apparently speaking from the cramped confines of a telephone box, describe themselves as 'Cornish MPs'. The Roundup will be investigating their claim to be "representing Cornwall".

For the present, the members of the Roundup's 24 person Editorial Council working with Mr Sylvanus Penhaul are content for it to be known that the next three items - in order - will be a work from the great 'Odgo, the tale of the Lamorna Bus Shelter fiasco and the 'English' Heritage story's unexpected, but pleasing, outcome.

BLOC VOTING ENSURES EUROVISION SUCCESS FOR RELUBBUS

Report on the Eurovision Song Contest by Cultural Correspondent, Gissa Tune

STOP PRESS, Saturday 24th May, 4:30 p.m.: Relubbus's success in the contest is now virtually assured, after it was confirmed earlier today that almost all of the members of the Union of Kernow States, including Crowlas, Lower Gwavas, Nanpean, Treneere, Germoe, Perranuthnoe, Crows an Wra, Tremethick Cross, and Tregavarah, intend to vote for Relubbus. The only notable exception is the People's Republic of Hayle (with which, of course, Relubbus is currently at war). The Relubbus camp are confident that the massive power of the Kernow bloc will comfortably outweigh the other voting blocs from Scandinavia, Eastern Europe, and the Balkans.

The world hunkers down in preparation to celebrate one of the greatest cultural events of the year in the Eurovision Song Contest. Nowhere is this feast of song more eagerly awaited than in Relubbus, which, because of its acknowledged deep reservoir of talent, is unique in being allowed three entries to the contest.

The Roundup has decided to take a peek behind the rehearsal curtains (at the Relubbus Scout Hut) and take a closer look at the three privileged acts, to whom falls the inestimable honour of representing Relubbus.

First up under the microscope is the undoubted shining talent of retired postman and musical maestro, Dickie Berhardinus Botheras (79). Dickie is a favourite amongst the glitterati of Relubbus high society and is a regular performer much in demand at the Relubbus Conservatoire.

Some might deem him an unusual highbrow choice for the more populist Eurovision contest, particularly as he will be offering no vocals at all. Instead he will rely on his faithful old saw and provide stirring music for the soul in another of his famous solo peformances.

Dickie is getting quite excited about his first Eurovision contest and has been receiving special attention for his bladder weakness so that he is not let down on the night. Nerves apart, he is confident of doing well and, clutching a brand-new saw from B&Q, declared "'S in the bag, boy!"

A surprise weapon in the Relubbus arsenal for this year's assault on the Eurovision is an entry from Denzil 'Alice' Liddicoat (51), the only male member of the Relubbus Lesbian Speed Crochet group.

Alice, as he likes to be known, is a fully qualified plasterer and decorator and is believed to be the only person in Relubbus to have taken the full three month yodelling course run by Dirk Bumgartner in Vaduz, Liechtenstein in preparation for the contest.

The authorities have given Alice their full backing by letting her off her Community Service sentence for long enough to attend the course. High Court Judge Lentil Tregenza commented "It will be good for Denzil and it will be good for Relubbus".

Music Aficionados believe that Alice's natural falsetto voice will set her up well for the yodelling song she intends to perform. An own composition, the song is entitled "Yodelaity" and contains a moving text, which tells the story of an unlikely but passionate love affair between a dubiosexual plasterer and Joanna Lumley.

Without doubt, the runaway leaders in the trio of Relubbus acts to take on Eurovision is the award-winning duo of Bert Clemo (39) on squeezebox and Dan Jago (62) on guitar.

After a lifetime of jamming in clubs all around Relubbus to the delight of their devoted following, the couple finally turned professional last autumn, both handing in their notice at the RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus, creating two vacancies in the fruit and veg section.

Since then, they have enjoyed phenomenal success, with each new record release going straight to the top of the singles charts. With a close eye to what has proved successful in Eurovision in the past, they have set their own new lyrics to the tune of "Going up Camborne 'Ill" in an attempt to win over the European public.

For those familiar with the tune, we provide the first verse of the lyrics so that you can sing along:

Bim Bom Bam Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bom Bam Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bom Bam Bim Bummer Bim Bum

In trials in Liechtenstein, the easy text of the song has been found to make it a great Euro singalong favourite and so the boys' hopes are high. You will soon have a chance to judge for yourself.

The night before the Eurovision, you will be able to hear the song on Simon Cowheel's "Relubbus Has Got Talent" Show, as the boys perform, accompanied by the Mousehole Nonagenarian Near-Nude Female Zimmer and Dance Troupe.
A SPECIAL WELCOME TO ALL OUR CURIOUS VISITORS FROM MAINLAND EUROPE!

Relubbus looks forward to welcoming you within its borders in the not too distant future.

Every visitor to Relubbus before the end of June will receive a free Cornish pasty !

The Roundup's articles over the past year will educate you about Relubbus and its glorious history. It has, for instance, a surviving colony from Roman times, which is still Latin-speaking! Just one of the many, many amazing facts about Relubbus, which has embassies all over Europe! Look here to find the Roundup's report on YOUR Embassy in Relubbus!

GM FOOD STORE OPENS IN RELUBBUS!

A huge new store has opened in Boswedden Lane, threatening to challenge the supremacy of existing retail giants such as R.C. Oates and W.G. Trevaskis. The two latter mentioned chains, both with megastores as far west as Carn Gloose and as far east as Prospidnick, are unlikely to welcome the competition, which will, for various reasons, be fierce.

This fresh challenge is mounted by a Liechtenstein entrepreneur, Franzl Hirschvogel, who has cut his retail teeth in the "Hund eat Hund" world of the High Street in Vaduz.

Franzl, (34) a part time crew member of the Liechtenstein Navy, took part in an official visit to Newlyn, during which he met and fell in love with local girl, Nancy Trenwith (29). Franzl, who speaks no English, commented, "Ich liebe meine Nancy!"

Nancy, a former barmaid and scrubber at the Swordfish Inn, where the two met, commented, "I kent bleeve my luck. Ee's loaded an ee's a bleddy dish, inna?"

The deliriously happy couple -- shortly to be married -- have gone into business together with a sharp new idea that is likely to take the whole of West Cornwall by storm -- G M Stores.

The first of these brand new stores opened last week at the junction of Boswedden Lane and Kelynack Terrace, although the store uses the prestigious Boswedden Lane address.

Ground-breaking ideas are used in this store.

Firstly, everything is behind a counter and customers queue to be served by either Franzl or Nancy. A warm welcoming chat is all part of the new retail experience, although in Franzl's case, the conversation is very limited indeed, unless you happen to be German speaking, in which case he is apparently most effusive, telling the same joke over and over.

A second big departure is that every item on sale is made from genetically-modified sources.

In the case of those necessities for which a genetically-modified option is sadly not yet available, the keen couple have managed to obtain irradiated supplies from Tchernobyl. So successful have they been that there is no need for artificial lighting in the store, since the plums in brandy and bottled beetroot (both from Tchernobyl) glow powerfully in the dark.

Nuclear irradiated or (hopefully, and) genetically-modified food is believed by this pair to represent the food future for the people of this planet and they intend to be the suppliers.

Prices are certainly expected to draw the crowds. For instance, a ton of irradiated mutton -- delivered to your home in a specially constructed truck ("to keep the goodness in") will cost you only £4,567.95 (plus VAT). You will also receive an almost free (it will cost you only £7,700!) radiation-proof deep freezer in which to store the meat.

G M Stores are also stocking the "Three Head" brand of genetically-modified yoghurts. Eat those and you can become -- for free -- part of a big scientific experiment.

Nancy and Franzl will be getting married next month. Unusually, Franzl will be assuming Nancy's surname, Trenwith, after they marry, as he says, "Es hört sich mehr Cornisch an als Hirschvogel!"

So Oates, Trevaskis, and now...Trenwith??

STAR INTERVIEW: CHEBNEY QUISTLE

Artist, poet, and musician Chebney Quistle speaks to the Roundup

The Relubbus Roundup will be running a series of "big name" interviews and, to launch the series, is proud to be able to publish an interview between none other than Renaissance man, Chebney Quistle (64), and star Roundup reporter, Loveday Liddicoat (34). As Mr Quistle is resident near Vaduz, Lichtenstein, Ms Liddicoat availed herself of the new Western National Bus Services from Relubbus to Vaduz Station, taking a day return saver ticket at the incredible price of only £4 15s 3d.

Mr Quistle, an Englishman who has come to love Cornwall, has through his numerous paintings, musical compositions, prose and poetry written to the glory of Cornwall, made himself dear to many a true Cornishman.

He came to live in Boskednan near New Mill as a young man of 23 back in 1932. He acquired his great love of the Cornish natural world by walking in the hills around his new home.

It was only the dark clouds of scandal that forced him to move abroad, following the alleged incident in a field near Heamoor two years ago. However, despite lengthy painstaking investigations by both police and the RSPCA, no charges were ever brought against Mr Quistle and, indeed, milk yields in that particular herd went up and not down...

Although he chose to remain a confirmed bachelor, Chebney was a very keen participant in many aspects of local life. He was an officer in the Boys' Brigade and a leader in the Scouts and could always be relied upon when it came to taking boys away to camp. He was also a Choirmaster at his local Church, spending extra time with the owners of his treble voices to ensure the piping quality of their performance.

However, the bulk of his time was spent with the brush or the pen or with his beloved xylophones.

Pictured on the left is Chebney's most famous (and valuable) painting, entitled My House. It cost him some 8 months of tortured work and perfectly captures the atmosphere of Boskednan in the early 1830s, when he first came to live there. This great work was purchased at a price of some £55 for the Tate by Sir Richard Branson, who was a great friend and admirer of Chebney before the incident in Heamoor.

Leaving his very considerable achievements with the brush aside, Chebney was a maestro with the pen and is acknowledged to be one of the greatest English poets.

His poem I am is reckoned to be one of the finest statements of the human spirit in print.

I am -- I am what it is to be,
Because I am what it is to feel.
So ask, please, no more of me!

Ask ye no hedgehog, ask ye no eel!
Just ask Elizabeth to show you -- her spot!
That tender centre of her innermost being --
That is a wonder to behold and not to share!

Brake markings on my underpants --
They are proof of my being there!
They will fade, as do all marks of human kind,
But when fresh, they are proof to the curious nose.

There are, grant you, prettier things -- like daffodils;
Like wandering trees on distant hills:
They summon up images of years gone by,
And of happy peoples whose smiles are no more.

I tire of musing and must close down
Or we will both wear your worried frown.
So go now away and leave me alone,
To play my wondrous Xylophone!

This phenomenally great work was purchased by Roman Abramski for the Russian Nation at a price of 76 billion roubles in 1995.

Chebney was never happier that when playing on his Xylophone. His favourite work, which he played for hours on end, was The three mice, who couldn't see! Like all great works, this too was subject to much plagiarism -- a popular version of it now circulating as "The three blind mice".

The Star Interview went as follows:

Loveday Liddicoat: "Mr Quistle, I do not wish to embarrass you, but could you tell us in your own words just what was happening in that field in Heamoor?"

The great man: " You little bugger! You...you....you....". Gasping for breath," You....". Eyes swimming, he then expired. Since no further words came from the great man, we must let his works alone speak for him.

WARSPITE WRECK DISCOVERED

By stand-in reporter Horton Tregarthen
Recent photo of the Warspite taken from a specially diverted Relubbus Airways flight to Mousehole heliport

It had always been understood, and indeed, even reported back in the 1950s in the pages of that lesser journal, the Cornishman, that scrap metal from the wreck of HMS Warspite had been stored at the Albert Quay in Penzance, and later transferred to various steelworks. Now, in a shock revelation, it has emerged that this was nothing but a ghost story.

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) workers have today let slip that they found the "wreck" intact in a secret location near Prussia Cove when they were down there helping GRUC Chairman, Billy Spargo, put a "lick o' paint" on his 500-odd holiday chalets.

They seemingly came across the ship beached in an inaccessible cove on land owned by Mr Spargo. They were overheard by a Roundup roving reporter discussing the find amongst themselves next to Trevaskis's Mobile Croust van.

When the reporter confronted Councillor Spargo with both the story and with a photo taken on a specially diverted Relubbus Airways flight, he had no option but to come clean.

His father had "acquired and parked" the vessel in the cove and had told the young Billy, "'Ere boy, if ay 'ave a bit o' trouble you can bring 'er out of mothballs to elp ay".

It was Billy's intention to do just this at a significant moment in the development of hostilities between Relubbus and Hayle. Assisted by a few hand-picked men, he intended to sail the newly re-named Pride of Relubbus, together with vital assistance from the flagship of the Liechtenstein Navy, round Land's End to the Hayle estuary and then "blaw they there Hayle buggers off the face o' the earth. And our first shot will be at that damn viaduct of theirs!"
"The calm before the Storm" -- a quiet scene at the Hayle viaduct which is soon to be targeted by the newly formed Relubbus Navy

A spokesman at Devonport naval base, Sir Cloudsley Shovel, today stated that if Billy Spargo wishes to return the ship "then we won't take the matter any further".

However, with the nameplates now changed all over the ship, Billy believes that an impossible burden of proof now lies with the British Royal Navy, if it were to seek to assert ownership.

LIECHTENSTEIN NAVY VISITS NEWLYN

Newlyn was yesterday graced with the official visit of the flagship of the Royal Liechtenstein Navy, HMS Furzbeutel, under the command of his Excellency High Admiral Adolf von Strüdli-Müdli (47).

Pictured on the left in his demonstration case, the High Admiral is an eminent emissary of the Liechtenstein monarchy. Some attribute his rapid rise through the ranks of the Liechtenstein navy to the fact that he was the official whipping boy for the reigning Prince, Hans Adam, when the latter was a boy.

Hans Adam was such a notoriously naughty lad that Adolf all too frequently had to take the cane on his behalf. Hence, Adolf's meteoric rise through the Navy is widely thought to be owed to his childhood role as protector of the royal bum.

Given the sometimes savage treatment meted out to him in early years, the High Admiral is now protected most of the time by his demonstration case, in which he meets the public.

Crowds of people, numbering 3 or 4, jostled with one and another and clustered around the end of Newlyn pier, straining to catch a glimpse of the noble vessel as it was towed into the harbour with the High Admiral's presentation case proudly on display on the deck.

HMS Furzbeutel, shown here on the left, is currently the only ship, as well as the flagship, of the Liechtenstein Navy. It is manned by the entire Navy, which totals three men (apart from the High Admiral, of course!).

In the picture on the left you can glimpse the three (together with the High Admiral in his case) being taken to shore in a cutter. Once ashore they were treated to a fish and chip supper at Harold Jewel's, following which they repaired to the Dolphin Inn for a civic drink-up.



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Mr Bonaparte, pictured here on the left in his "best gear" is by day a sales assistant in Wilton & Nichols ironmongers in Penzance, although he doesn't wear his "best gear" to work in the shop, where, after 35 years solid service, he is the acknowledged expert on all sorts of nails and screws, and where he is known simply as Bert Trenwith (50).

However, by evening -- after he has had his tea -- he transforms into his alter ego and likes to be known as "Nappy". Nappy, who lives with his Enty Dora, is allowed to use the front room for his high-level training courses, which last just 30 minutes each, so that he is in time to watch Eastenders with his Enty.

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LONELY HEARTS -- VALENTINE'S DAY EDITION

Here are some special people looking for love in West Penwith!!

Geraldine Polkinghorne (23) is a veterinary nurse from Ponsanooth. She has been dealing with some serious personal gender issues, some outward signs of which might cause unwarned potential suitors to take fright. Hence her brave decision to advertise here (and in the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt) for a special man to share her life.

Geraldine's passion in life (apart from goats and other animals) is designing and modelling hats, as she is doing in this picture. With the right man, she would like to take up line dancing and yodelling. Although she doesn't claim to be a Nigella Lawson in the kitchen, she says that she is a dab hand at creating a Victoria sponge from the packet. Her ideal partner would be a "Hell's Angel type", probably in his 30s, with own home, preferably in the Tuckingmill area, "so I can be away from Mum, but not too far!". Its Box 5682, Gents!

Dickie Tregear (42) "from out Zennor way" is a charming delightful man, who somehow has not yet managed to hit it off with the ladies. Very fond of his food, he knows that he ought to eat less, but he just doesn't get on with diets. However, he is very sensitive about his looks and is sure that his personal vanity will eventually empower him to "cut down on the food".

Dickie has broken away from the centuries-old family tradition of pig farming (although he still lives with his Mum) and is a teacher of piano and harpsichord. He would like to "walk out with some cracker, who duh look like Kylie Minogue". Dickie's current interests are, apart from eating, dominoes (which he plays for several hours each day) and his Hornby train set, of which he is inordinately proud and which he is prepared to share with the right woman. Box 3496 -- get in quick, before Kylie does!

Jennifer Angove (31) from Long Rock is a girl with big aspirations. She dreams of becoming a chemical weapons inspector for the UN and her ideal man would be a pathologist, so that she can indulge her interest in corpses with expert guidance. We can all dream, but reality can be a little different. Jennifer is a shelf-stacker at Morrisons, which is handy, because she can walk to work and save on commuting costs. Realising that a pathologist might be out of her reach (or is it?!), she will be happy to take up with any young man working at the interesting end of an abattoir, who would let her have a go whenever she likes.

Jennifer's favourite musicians are Chas and Dave and her best loved music is their version of "Roll out the Barrel". Two years ago, she won the Morrisons Penzance branch 3rd most interesting person prize and she once almost took up the castanets. This is the story of Jennifer... and gents, you can become a part of that story at Box 5622.

Billy Peninula (32) from Rosudgeon, pictured here 'squeezing one out' in the Relubbus Allcomers' Nude Freestyle Farting Competition (wet section) is a fun young man looking for another fun young man. Billy works as a fireman at Truro, but does not let big City life go to his head, preferring to live in a quiet part of Ludgvan.

A renaissance man, Billy's farting is merely one aspect of his multi-faceted being -- he plays the cello, sings baritone in the Marazion Gay Male Voice Choir, collects butterflies, is an avid student of Aztec culture and language, and composes love poetry. He would like to meet a young man with completely different interests so that they can show each other one another's world. Box 9976 is the one for you, if you would like to get to know Billy better.

Loveday Behenna (22) is best known as the saucy leading female in the Botallack Operatic and Dramatic Society (BODS), in which her rich, sonorous bass voice is a constant source of both surprise and delight. By day, she runs her own mobile nose- and ear-hair trimming business, covering most of the old folks' homes west of Truro. She keeps all the trimmings and uses it to stuff cushions.

Loveday likes to relax and unwind by 'zapping' seagulls with her trusty catapult. She is now ready to meet an enterprising man (preferably an upholsterer, in view of the cushions) with whom she can build a life and family. Box 5310 takes you to Loveday.


Rudi Stümpfli (51) is our first advertiser from Liechtenstein. Having spent the past 30 years in jail for what he says was "ein Mißverständnis", he has now been returned to the community to pursue his career as a cheesemaker. Rudi speaks only German, but is keen to meet a Cornish woman, since the entire female population of Liechtenstein shuns him because of the "Mißverständnis".

Rudi is not allowed to leave the country, but, having heard of the new bus services between Relubbus and Vaduz, is keen to take up with one (or more?!) of the many women from Cornwall who are bound to make the journey, if only to see how the Marks in Vaduz differs from the one in Truro. Box 6733 is the one for Rudi and ladies should be aware that Rudi has offered to pay the £1 14s 6d day-return bus fare for any ladies interested in meeting him.