DIRE WARNING FOR THE WORLD

Reclusive hedge-fund manager, Nathaniel Polkinghorne of Nancegollan (45) has acquired a reputation - and huge wealth - for always being right.

For many years, Nathaniel was  a bus driver on long distance routes such as that from Penzance to Helston.

These long journeys gave him time to ruminate, and then expound, on many a challenge facing the world.  Unable to keep his opinions to himself, he often used to park the bus and, keeping the doors locked, give unsolicited lectures to his captive audience, sometimes for several hours.

Such lectures were not always appreciated by his passengers and some even took it upon themselves to instruct Polkinghorne to 'button it' or, in local parlance, "shut yer bleddy cakole and git the bus goinagen".  When he spoke of the world financial order, some challenged him to put his money where his mouth was.

So it was that, at the age of 40, Nathaniel boldly entered the world of investment to do just that.  A mere five years later and he was a megamultibillionnaire with his own caravan over Long Rock and a brand new Ford Anglia (shown left) parked up outside.  He achieved his wealth by always 'calling it right'.

Loaded as he is with his new-found wealth, he is now seldom seen at Morrison's, leaving his mother to undertake the weekly shopping alone. (" I duh always pay my 'alf towardsun like!")

He stays at home with his mother, neglecting his sumptuous Long Rock bachelor's pad.  He rarely emerges to dispense wisdom to the lesser sort.

Thus it was unusual when he called a press conference. This was attended by scores of eager reporters, some of whom came from as far away as Bude to listen to him.

When all were seated, as he had requested, he spoke and, in so doing, struck a truly sombre note.

Reminding his audience that he had famously never been wrong about anything, he announced that, whilst he had no desire to cause global panic, he felt compelled to share his now certain knowledge that  every single person upon the face of the earth was going to die.  There would be no exceptions.  Everyone - literally everyone - was going to die.  An awed chill silence filled the room.

He looked his audience in the eye and coldly stated that everyone, after a mere 150 years, would be no more.  He then turned and left.

In less than half an hour, copies of his speech had been printed and were being rushed around the whole of Cornwall and Relubbus.

Said paper boy, Charlie Clemo (7) of Portreath "Eedthink ee's sum bleddy smart, eedoo.  I cuddatolun that, daffbugger!"

Could Clemo be the new Polkinghorne?

RELUBBUS INSTITUTE HONOURS LORD ARSECREEP

The hugely influential Relubbus Institute of International Relations has decided to award a special new prize to the infamous Belize resident and British non-dom, Lord Arsecreep.

The Institute is a much-respected authority on corporate governance, public ethics, and international justice.  It is the think tank of choice of the United Nations.  Indeed, Ban Ki Moon (66), UN Secretary General, sits on its board of trustees, along with other luminaries such as Nelson Mandela (92), Mother Theresa (deceased), Willy Curnow (deceased), and the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) leader himself, Billy Spargo (115).

The Director of the Institute is none other than the internationally revered  A level student, Daniel "Snookered" Thomas (18), pictured left.

Mr Thomas spoke to a hastily convened gathering of the Relubbus and international press this morning to announce the decision of the Institute to confer a Special Award for Breathtaking Hypocrisy on the English Tory (or "Toy" -- they're only playing at it, after all) deputy chairman, Lord "Shaft You" Arsecreep.

Mr Thomas stated that a primary duty of all states was to raise taxes in a way that was fair to all and to expend the tax revenue in a way that served the best interests of all.

He explained that Lord Arsecreep (left) had secured for himself a pivotal role in the Toy party as deputy chairman responsible for improving the Toy party's performance in key marginals.  Arsecreep had hired his own staff to support him and had poured millions of (untaxed) funds into the task over the years - all funded by his company, Bare Arse Corporate Services.  Arsecreep had chucklingly confessed that  important records of this Bare Arse company had been mysteriously 'wiped clean', when called for by the House of Commons.

Now - under relentless pressure from the Relubbus and Cornish press and from a Mrs Agnes Trembath from up Heamoor -  Arsecreep had confessed that his embarassingly huge fortune had been piled up without being subject to UK or any other tax.

Never before had a deputy chairman of a political party been selected who avoided paying tax in the country his party aspired to rule.

Never before had a tax-avoider been ennobled on a promise of becoming a full resident (implication: "I'll pay taxes just as you taxed oiks do") without following through on the promise.

Never before in modern European history had a political party, like the Toy party, allowed itself to be bought and used in this way.

In recognition of this singular achievement, Lord Arsecreep is to receive a hand-carved bare arse  in sturdy Belize balsa wood lovingly fashioned by an imprisoned fraudster and tax avoider.

The Roundup's impeccably high standards of good taste prevent us from publishing a picture of a bare arse, but we can disclose that it is the sort of thing that would be revealed in all its hairiness, if one were to pan up the reverse of the photo on the left.

STOP PRESS:  The Roundup has learnt that even dimbo 'Kami-Kaze' Cameroon and his Eton cronies have finally twigged that associating with (let alone ennobling) Arsecreep is losing them the election.  In the Toy party HQ they are now desperately trying to coax a wary Arsecreep into the ejector seat.